Monthly Archives: May 2010

Wednesday May 26, 2010


First thing I need to say (rather shout or scream) I need a cigarette!! Ugh. I am so ashamed to be where I am in this regard. I am embarrassed to be so handcuffed by such a stupid, disgusting habit. Its been about 36 hours now. I am VERY crabby. It is only 9:30 and I have already cried 3 times. Between this and the dieting, I feel as though I am in a perpetual state of deprivation. I am PISSED. And I want a donut. Or three. God, I cannot even remember the last time I had a donut. (sigh) There was cake and ice cream at my brother’s over the weekend and I wouldn’t let myself have any of it. Do you know how much I love cake?? Well, I do. I love it almost as much as I love my cat. Cake is good. But no. Deprive deprive. I have to. Why? Because I am FINALLY feeling accepted due to the recent weight loss. And that is only with the assumption I will lose more. I honestly feel I will disappoint my mom and husband and most of all, myself, if I do not lose any more weight. I feel it is still not good enough. I am still not good enough. This isn’t healthy.


I stare at my vision board everyday. Here is a picture of it…


About a week since I made it. They seems to help many others. I really hope it helps me. I need to try whatever I can. I need my real life to start as soon as possible. The life I deserve. The life I crave. The life I cannot even imagine. As far as the vision board goes…these are the desires the pictures are meant to represent:

Letting Go

Financial Freedom – I don’t need to be rich. I don’t need much. I just don’t want it to be a worry.


Healthy/Strong Heart

Motivation to Write

NO Smoking


Happy/Fun Family

Weight Loss

Tropical Escape (preferably Hawaii)


Healthy Eating/Fitness

Loving Family

Passionate Relationship




Closeness/Fun with Girls

Happy Healthy Children


Regaining Youthful Appearance


Too much to ask?? Think there is anything to this vision board idea?? So many people swear by it.


Anyway, everything is driving me nuts today and I am very sensitive. I hate this.

I have relatives (from my dad’s side) who live out east. I have only seen them a handful of times. One of my aunts always made an effort to stay in contact as did one uncle who is still in town. My dad was in and out of my life before he died and we had very little ties to his side of the family. But when I have gone out east or when they have come here, an effort was always made to spend some time. So, we never really got to know one another. I can honestly say that no one on my dad’s side of the family knows me really at all. And by now, most of those I knew and loved are gone or far away. My dad had 4 siblings. One of my aunts is out east and I have not seen or heard from her since I was about 12. She has A LOT of money and kindly flew my brother and I out there for a couple weeks one summer when we were kids. That was pretty much the first and last time we saw her. I guess she didn’t like us. I suppose at 10 and 12 we were pretty obnoxious. There is the other aunt I had already mentioned. She was always down to earth, very funny and wrote to me through out the years. The uncle I mentioned – pretty much the same. Though he lives in town so we would run in to him a little more. I always felt a closeness with him for some reason. We never really knew each other much, but he used to babysit me when I was an infant and always made an effort to reach out even when my dad was out of the picture. Then there is my other uncle who passed away this year. I won’t go into that now. My uncle in town and his children came to my father’s funeral. And my aunt made it out a month later for my grandfather’s funeral. Otherwise, that’s it. Clearly, no one in that family cared for my dad much. I know he definitely burned his bridges. I have cousins from all of these aunts and uncles. Lots actually. But I really don’t KNOW them. A few, I have met only a couple times years ago. Through Facebook, I have been in more contact…but just silly FB stuff.

My mom has no brothers or sisters…so no relatives on her side whatsoever. All my grandparents are gone. I have very little family. Sometimes I get really down about this. Jealous of others who have big, loving families. I found out that my aunt and daughter were in WI recently for a softball tournament (my youngest cousin is an accomplished softball player). They haven’t been here in many years and come here MAYBE once every 10 years when someone dies or gets married. I felt so sad to find out they were here and didn’t even let me know they were coming. They were staying in Eau Claire, which is a couple hours from here. But often I can make arrangements for things like that. Either way, it would have been nice for a heads up. So, I cannot help but to think that it was considered – telling me that is – and subsequently decided against. And here I am wondering why. I am wondering what annoying thing I posted on Facebook which may have offended someone. I wonder if they think I am like my father. And I just can’t get it out of my head that people just hate being around me. I am negative, I complain too much, I am opinionated, overly honest, obnoxious, hard headed, sad, boring…I think that people just do not want to spend time with me. I am so embarrassed about that. I guess that is up to me to change, however. After all, just because they share some DNA doesn’t make them responsible or obligated in anyway to maintain a relationship. There are other relatives I feel no connection with…why should these people have to?


My husband’s ex sent me an email last week. She apologized for recent behavior and things she has said. She said there is a reason, something going on…but did not say. I have no clue. I don’t know what this means, if anything. I am just being careful. I do not want to be fooled or mind fucked anymore…by anyone. I don’t even know how to trust my own judgment anymore. And a couple days later, Kenzie was in flip flops for school again. So, I just don’t get it. If she had some rule and didn’t like her daughter to…lets say…wear earrings. Then we wouldn’t let her. It is only about respecting the other parent. It isn’t the flip flops…doesn’t anyone see that?? And then she comes over with this fancy digital camera – an adult one – to take to school. She was going on a field trip, so whatever, right? Well, then she insisted on taking it the next day. She said her mom GAVE it to her because she bought a brand new one. so now of course Cassidy insists that she should be able to use MY camera whenever she wants. But thing is…I cannot afford a brand new camera so this one cannot get broken. Why does a kid need a nice digital camera anyway? Maybe I am just a jerk. I am just so tired of dealing with all this little stupid shit. Sometimes I am afraid I will just run away and never come back.


I guess I am just being pathetic ole victim Heather today. I am emotional and angry and sick of feeling all of these things. And posting this will only make me look worse. But this is me today. This is honest. So, this is what I am sharing.


Tuesday May 25, 2010


In past months I have discussed the hold cigarettes have placed on my life once again. 7 years ago, after I was married, I quit. For good, I thought. I was smoke free for over 5 years. I was so happy to be free of that disgusting crutch. Then 2 years ago, on vacation, I thought I could have a few. Well, I couldn’t. In these past 2 years I have tried to quit a number of times. Lasting no more than a couple weeks. A few months ago I went on Wellbutrin for depression. Wellbutrin is also marketed as Zyban, a drug prescribed for smoking cessation. Even on the highest dose, I still feel the need for a couple smokes a day. And that’s what it has been 1-3 cigarettes a day for the last couple months. So few, yet I cannot seem to let go. And I pretty much know the reason why. Weight.

Since the end of February I have lost 20 lbs and in the last month, 5 inches (didn’t measure until a month ago). I have worked very hard. I know that quitting will slow my metabolism which is already shitty and likely cause weight gain. I cannot handle that. I have working way too hard. And there is no way I am going to work my ass off everyday and deprive myself of food with no results. People can say it is simply calories in and calories out and to that I say BULLSHIT. I know there are factors such as medications which can greatly influence the speed of one’s metabolism. Currently I am exercising at least an hour a day 6-7 days a week and eating fewer than 1200 calories a day. I keep track of everything. With this, I had been losing about 1-2 lbs a week. Slow, but more than I have been!! But now, the past couple weeks, that has stood still. Can’t get past that 20 mark. Quitting smoking is only going to make that worse. I NEED to lose this weight. I cannot look like this anymore. Period.

So, Charlie and I decided to quit yesterday. it’s a double edged sword. It is impossible to quit when you are living with a smoker. However, instead of being “quitting buddies” or a support system for each other, we tend to just take our frustration out on one another. Then we argue and want to smoke even more.

So, today, this is what is consuming me. My desire to quit smoking once and for all. And my need to lose this extra weight so I can stop being so disgusted with myself.

Thursday May 13, 2010


In the past week I have been following the Tonya Craft case with great interest. Craft was a teacher with a master’s degree, a mother and was a loved member of her community. If you do not know about the story, HERE is an article which explains the case. And HERE is a website started by a friend of hers when this catastrophic, unjust witch hunt began. This site gives many details left out of the media arena and court proceedings. When I first heard of the case, I was making my bed half way paying attention to The Today Show on TV. Then her story came on and they uttered quotes given by Craft. My ears perked. I was floored by the statements she had given. So many of her words were said by me in regards to my case. Now, I cannot and would not give an equal comparison with our cases. What she has and will go through is beyond anything I can even imagine. But her words…her face…I just knew – she was innocent.

I know how easy it is to fall into the legal machine and get caught in something you never even knew existed. The assumption of innocence until proven guilty was quickly proved a foolish idea. There is no such thing. A person can easily be ground up in the gears of overzealous prosecutors, manipulative accusers and vengeful witnesses. Once in a while the perfect storm happens and an innocent person falls into a vortex that is nearly impossible to defend against.

Tuesday we learned that the jury found Tonya Craft innocent. A complete stranger, yet I was overcome with relief. Justice actually did prevail. However, the pain she has endured and will endure at some level for the rest of her life is something from which she will never find freedom. She has been kept away from her daughter for a long, long time. There is no doubt some major alienation issues will surface. Much damage has been done to this woman and the people who care about her. It is an absolute travesty. But thankfully she will be able to begin her healing outside the binds of shackles and bars.


My husband sent the email I spoke of in a previous post. Instead of asking me considerately to watch her daughter on her days in the summer, she would rather pawn her off on her sister instead. Fine with me. Good luck with that. I will not be used, taken advantage of or walked upon any longer. It’s done.


There was this guy I met in high school. I had a class with him and I always noticed he smelled very good. One day he asked me on a date. He brought me flowers and everything. I don’t think I had ever been given flowers on a date before. We got along and had things in common, but for whatever reason – I honestly do not remember – we did not continue to date. In my early twenties, after the ending of a long relationship, I met up with him again. I was in a bad time. I was drinking more than I should, smoking like a chimney, unable to pay my bills…I was just a mess. We talked for a little bit, but again ended on a friendly level. Years went by and in my thirties I received an email from him. A friend of his showed him the link to my website. Since then, he has checked up on my blogs and emails me on a regular basis. He is married and has a lovely family in Milwaukee. He has a big shot corporate job which keeps him very busy and traveling around the world. Yet, he takes the time to check in on me and write me very supportive and thoughtful emails. Sadly, I am not the best at keeping up with correspondences in a timely manner and I feel guilty for that when it comes to this guy. So, I just wanted to take this time to acknowledge my appreciation for his long distance friendship and for his compassion and consideration. Thank you. You know who you are J


So, I think I mentioned in my last blog that I have hit 20 lbs now in my weight loss. It has taken a good 2 ½ months of hard work and really keeping an eye on what I eat. It has not been easy at all. My mom for years has been telling me that if I lost the extra weight, I would probably be less depressed. Not like that is a big newsflash, but she was really wanting me to lose weight. And of course so did I!! I felt (and still feel) horrible about myself physically. What is giving me anxiety now are two things. First, what if the weight comes back? Either due to hormones, if I need a medication or simply falling off the health wagon. My mom tells me I look so much better. “Just another 10 pounds and you will be perfect.” It makes me feel so scared that since I was clearly so fat and ugly before, it could very easily happen again. Also, what if I cannot lose anymore than what I have? I am nowhere near feeling good about my size. I still do not feel comfortable in a swimming suit. Another 10-20 would be ideal. But I don’t even know if it’s possible. I have been working so hard, I really do not think I can step it up any more than I have. I already am to the point where I feel very guilty when I just sit and do nothing. I feel like I need to be exercising in some way. I hate feeling obsessive about all this.


There is a Father Daughter Dance at my kids’ school. This bothers me and I will tell you why. When I was a young kid, my dad wasn’t around. I would have been heart broken by the disappointment of either trying to get him to go or not even knowing where he was to ask him. Many kids do not have fathers…why do they not take that into consideration?

Charlie will be out of town that day. I wonder if they will kick us out if I take them and wear a tie. Think I should??


Well, it actually is treadmill time for me…so I will talk at ya later!! Take care!!!

Have I Gone Mad??


I know that some of you are going to think I am a complete nutball. But I was thinking about something last night and for some reason, I am going to share it with you so you can likely laugh or roll your eyes at me.

I think it is pretty well understood that in our near future we are going to be a society controlled by computers and machines. The Wall Street Ooops which happened last week is one example. The heightened fear of cyber terrorism is another.  Because of this, it is obvious that we are in great need of creating what I will call, ‘cyber soldiers’, which I feel will be a “field” which will grow exponentially in the years to come. These cyber soldiers will need to be genius level; minds which are analytical and mathematical. These people will have incredible intellectual talents from birth…a level which cannot be taught. These will be the people our country, even our world will one day soon depend upon for safety and security. Without those, we have nothing.

Ok. Now is when you might start to think I am even weirder than you previously suspected.

It is clear that the rate of children born with some form of Aspergers and Autism is growing to numbers which cannot be explained. It is also known that people on the autism spectrum can have higher tendencies for certain types of genius. Mathematical genius being common among those types.  Perhaps, these children being born with what WE see as a disability is actually the ability to one day save us all. Is this possible? We can visually see the difficulties of these disorders as far as their extreme sensitivities to lack of personal interaction. But we cannot always see the miraculous mind behind those behaviors.

We all grow up hearing adults tell us that ‘everything happens for a reason’. Personally, during my worst times, I sincerely thought that was horse shit. But as I get older I think I am starting to have a greater understanding of the whys and hows and whats and what the hells. By no means am I anywhere near where I would like to be and still admit…I know very very little. But perhaps there really is a bigger picture here which has backdrops we may have never noticed.

I think I pissed a couple people off a few years ago when I suggested that perhaps people were born homosexual could be nature’s way of controlling the population. Perhaps nature (I am using the word nature here in place of God or higher power…use whatever term you like) is ever changing to what we create on earth. And maybe – just MAYBE (please don’t yell at me) – people are being born infertile for that same reason. Maybe nature knows there are thousands of children which need homes with loving parents and perhaps that is why infertility seems to also be on the rise. I am NOT saying that infertile and homosexual adults are not entitled to have biological children. NOT AT ALL. But infertile and gay couples are major candidates for adoptions and perhaps if it were easier for them to have biological children, that wouldn’t happen. Maybe JUST MAYBE these are further examples of things society wants to label as bad or unnatural…when in all actuality it is very natural and purposeful.

These are only guesses people. I don’t know. I suppose my main point is…maybe there really IS a reason for everything. Maybe there is a bigger picture we are incapable of seeing. Who knows.

Am I ready to be fitted for a straight jacket yet??

Monday May 10, 2010


So let’s just say that Friday and Saturday were ROUGH. We had it out. Aggressively ignoring each other more than anything really. And I decided to make a statement by packing a bag and leaving. Though I did tell my daughter within his ear shot that I would be home in a little while. I just drove down to the lake and watched the waves. It was windy and cold…it felt like autumn. He got mad and left with Cassidy. So, I returned to an empty house and laid on the couch for about 3 hours waiting for them to return. I had that same sick feeling in my stomach when I used to stand in the window for hours waiting for my Dad to pick me up on his weekends. But it was my fault and I shouldn’t have left in the first place. Even though I had every right to be angry, I shouldn’t have been so passive aggressive about it. When they returned, he didn’t say a single word to me and went to bed. So, needless to say in went on into the morning and we finally came to some agreements – made some apologies…and some stuff…just cannot fix at the moment.

That afternoon we went to my parent’s and went out to lunch with them to a place in Rochester. I won’t mention the name of the restaurant (and it was actually my choice…I had a coupon LOL) but the food was icky and the place felt, smelled and looked like an old folks home. Live and learn.

On Sunday, Mother’s Day, Cassidy was acting terrible all day. I don’t know what is with her lately. She is so overly hyper and defiant. I think she gets too bored with us on the weekends when Mackenzie isn’t here. Charlie, thankfully, was very nice all day. He made me a sweet card on the computer, helped Cassidy make me a card and a video (I posted the card from Charlie and the video here) and took me to brunch. Then he took Cass to his mom’s and his stepmom’s to drop off their cards/gifts while I got to have 2 hours of quite time while I watched a cheesy Lifetime movie.

So, for now, things are okay. We made a deal about the summer and he has to talk or write to his ex about it. So, we shall see when that happens. But it WILL happen. Things WILL be changing.


I lost another 4 pounds and that brings me to just about 20 pounds since the last week of February. It has been so hard and I still have a lot of work ahead of me. I would really like to lose at least 10 more and toning is definitely in order. I really hope I can stay motivated. I would really like to actually spend some time in an actual swim suit this summer. Then maybe this summer, I can spend some more time on this friggin boat for which we paid too much money!!


Here is another video Cassidy made. She is going crazy with this webcam recorder LOL. Anyway, this video is so strange. And she keeps apologizing (I think because she was being so naughty yesterday). Anyway, she is such a ham and she cracks me up!!!

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Well, that’s all for now…talk at ya later.

Happy Mother’s Day

My two favorite Mother’s Day gifts…
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No Respect


It is assumed by both my husband and his ex wife that I will be taking care of my step daughter everyday this summer. I wasn’t asked. I never am. I always have…summers, sick days, vacations, early release, snow days…it is always assumed. Never asked. And you know what; this would be fine if the circumstances were different. But they’re not and I am feeling resentful.

The ex has a history of accusing me of terrible things. You may know the story by now. Won’t into it. But I do have reason to fear another false accusation as it could destroy me. Also, my step daughter is now 10 and getting quite the attitude. She is being fed by her mother that I am not a parent, not to respect me and that the rules at our house need not apply. She is told to keep things from us, not to listen to certain things and has even been told on several occasions to outright lie to us. Needless to say, this has started to feed this new found attitude and she is turning in to an exact replica of her mother. Something else I will not get into…but let’s just say…that is SO not good.

This morning was brisk and much colder. About 50 degrees. We have and have always had a rule that the kids are not allowed to wear flip flops to school. We have been told by several teachers throughout the years that they do not want the kids wearing them. The kids run around in gym and recess and clearly, they are not safe in those situations. At home, when it’s warm, they can be barefoot for all I care. But I want to listen to the teacher’s suggestions and I happen to agree that it’s kinda silly to wear flip-flops when the kid is going to be running around. When my step daughter was dropped off this morning (she is here every morning before school and every day after school…her mom has her 2 nights a week and every other Saturday and Sunday) she was wearing flip flops. I told her it was really cold this morning and she will need to change her shoes before school. She flipped out saying that her mom told her she could wear them and she was NOT to take them off. She said her mom said that she was the parent and it’s not up to me.

I have been taking care of this kid since she was 14 months. I have been her PRIMARY parent most of that time. But now, I am nothing more than a fixture in my home? I called her father who was driving on the freeway at the time (found out later) and gave the phone to her. He told her to change shoes and she again flipped out and started crying like someone killed her cat. He told her over and over and said he would not change his mind and that she needed to listen. She kept arguing and then handed the phone to me. He told me he was driving and we hung up.

She told me again how her mom said she was the parent and I just said, “Mackenzie, your dad is busy. Your mom isn’t here. So I guess you are going to have to make the decision on your own. You decided what you feel is right.”

She walked out the door flip flopping away.

I know this seems like a very stupid argument. But it isn’t AT ALL just about the flip flops. I think that is clear. So my question…how am I supposed to take care of her all summer when she and her mother think I am not deserving of respect?


I posted this blog on a mom site I sometimes visit. I wanted to share some of their comments as they do shed light and help me with decisions I have to make:

That (taking care of her this summer, being left alone with her again) I would NOT be doing.  Obviously, nothing has changed with the bb and the way she feels of you, and well frankly, I wouldn’t risk everything that you have worked for, to have everything happen again.  FUCK THAT!!  This family has ruined alot of things, including your name.  I personally, wouldn’t do it.  I know you have done so in the past, but i would tell you dh, I am NOT that kids mother, she doesn’t listen, and i don’t care to be left alone with her, the bb is still in her "higher than mighty" bullshit attitude, and seeing as she is telling this girl to defy you, your screwed.  No matter what, your never going to get the respect of this kid, especially when she is turning more and more into her bb.  I just wouldn’t do it.  Send her to her fucking mothers house while her father is at work, or send her to a babysitter.  Don’t risk what you have already been through, just to go through it again?? no way in hell.


Me: I know it is stupid to put myself in the situation I am in. Its just hard.


Your right, it is stupid. And understandably hard.  But after spending 2 days reading what i read, you know better!! You are not stupid, in fact quite the opposite, so why are you allowing yourself to be put in this position again?  You are now just getting past, from what i understand, what has happened in the past..and i would suspect your dh knows why you wouldn’t want to be put back in this situation, so why would he even try.  I would truly, back out of that situation for your safety.  Tell the bb, you are "NOT" that child’s mother, just as she suspected, so YOU will NOT be caring for this child in any capacity.  That is your dh’s job to do and hers as well…but not yours.  Don’t go back down this road, you lost to much the first time!! Your right, it is hard, but go back and read all of your blog (including what you removed) and tell me which is harder???


I would just tell them no.  Refuse to do it.  You are not the authority figure so therefore you are not allowed to babysit the child.  She doesn’t listen to you so therefore you cannot keep her.  Tell your husband that he needs to find another solution.  If he were to crack down on her and make her listen to you then you may be willing to keep her, but if he cannot do something about her attitude and she refuses to listen to you then you refuse to keep her.  End of story.  Stand up for yourself, no one else is going to.  Who cares if they get angry with you and hate you, at least you won’t have to deal with the drama over the summer. 


ditto.  if she doesn’t have to listen to you then fine…don’t make her listen, but don’t do anything for her either.  disengage.  when they all have a problem with that calmly tell them that YOU are NOT her parent there YOU are NOT responsible for taking care of her… they need to do that…it goes both ways.


 i agree with pp on this one. there is no way i would take care of this kid, basically doing a favor for someone else who is drilling into her head that you are not the parent! and if your not the parent, does bm or dh plan to pay you for ‘babysitting’? bc thats what it would be. even if dh gets mad, he will hopefully understand where you are coming from and hopefully you refusing to do this will teach bm a lesson. she will not completley undermine your authority but expect you to raise her kid. f that. and also there is no way sd would have left the house in flip flops if it were me. you should have put your foot down on that one.


i’d take it a step further.  tell DH that he and BM need to sit down and figure out a plan for daycare before and after school and on school holidays.  and those plans shouldn’t include you because you are no longer available to babysit unless asked (so that you can accect or decline), respected by all parties involved, and paid for your time.  read the essay on disengaging from the posts…you may have to do that.


Tell her mother and your dh that you will not do it unless certain conditions are met. It is your home, and while the mother may have birthed her, YOU are the one taking care of her, which means your rules are absolute and must be followed. Is she allowed to disregard what her teacher says? No? If not, you deserve more respect than the teacher as you are the step-MOM. Lay it out for dh also. You are not the hired help. You are his wife and should be treated with the respect that position deserves. This involves your life also, which means you have every right to say no.


After reading your story, I don’t know why you are alone with this child ever….or why BM allows it if she accused you of it all.


Well, you can take care of SD during his time (provided tha’ts what you want), then he can read her the riot act every morning, make clear to her that HE is the parent and HE tells her to do exactly what YOU tell her to do.

During HER time BM can find somebody stupid enough to put up with this shit.


YOU are not safe around your SD because of prior accusations.  Your DH is not there so he can’t take visitation.  He needs to put HIS kid in daycare or stay home.  End of story.


I agree that you should not be spending time alone with this child right now, if at all possible.

Best case scenario would be for your DH to make other arrangements for SD during his CO’d time and for BM to have to deal with it on her time, even if that means she has to pay someone or put her in daycare.  It’s not fair for the entire responsibility to fall on you, especially after accusing you of abuse.  So which one is it?  BM thinks you abused her child *OR* she wants you to be her nanny?  It can’t be both.  And you can’t trust her to want you as a nanny, so it’s obvious she will just have to work it out without you. 

I know it makes matters worse for your DH to have to find someone else when you are "available" but given the circumstances, I would insist.  If you are willing to give in and keep SD, then it needs to be made crystal clear to SD, by BOTH bioparents, that YOU are in charge when no one else is there.  If BM can’t back you up, then you just have to refuse to do it. 

At some point, you are going to have to make up your mind what you really want.  Do you really want SD out of your care?  Or do you really just want the respect you deserve?  Pick one, and enforce it by any means necessary.  If respect is all you want…demand it.  And if you don’t get it, don’t give in to BM’s or even DH’s wishes.  Make them find someone else to put up with their crap.  If you want SD to be in  someone else’s care…you have to say it and mean it.  You can’t keep saying "I don’t want to do it" and keep taking care of her at the same time.  You are sending the message that what you say doesn’t matter because you will, in the end, keep her anyway.  Say what you mean, and mean what you say.  And demand that people treat you how you want to be treated.  Otherwise, you will keep getting walked all over and accused of shit that you did not do. 


Sweetie, get a job or go back to school. Have your own life and stuff to do. These bio parents are both taking terrible advantage of you and have almost ruined your life in the process as has this ungrateful flip floppin’ child.

Don’t delay. Begin your dreams.


This.  Stop being available.  They will figure it out.

Your response needs to be – (and I don’t give a shit if BM recanted – has your record been cleared?  Until then, BM can kiss your ass) "I am sorry.  I have been accused of terrible things, and I am not going to allow myself to be placed in the position to be accused of anything ever again."

BM can drop her kid off at school.  A lot of schools have before school care.  It’s not your problem.  And DH can be home to take care of her – if not, he can look into after school care – our schools offer both.  Repeat this over and over  "Not my kid, not my problem."

In case that does not work, repeat this "Allowing myself to be helpful lands my ass in court.  Fuck them both."

In Honor of National Teacher’s Day


Yesterday (May 4th) was National Teacher’s Day. I didn’t see or hear anything about it. I heard a blurb on the radio today, however. Shortly before hearing this I read another story about a local teacher being arrested for the sexual assault of a 16 year old student.  When reading local blogs having to do with teachers in any regard – there is a lot of anger and spite in the words of the commenters.  Teachers have to defend themselves not only to unruly, undisciplined children during work hours; but they also must defend themselves against an antagonizing public. And then teachers as a whole are represented by these bad apples (rancid, more like) spilled over the papers whenever one is found to be guilty of some heinous crime.

Speaking in regards to the teachers I have known in my life, none of them went in to teaching for the money. Not for the notoriety or the praise. They went into teaching to help educate and care for our children. They don’t just say it is a noble profession for the hell of it…there truly is none more noble in my opinion. Especially in this city. And especially especially in public schools.

Educators are forming leaders. They are forming parents. They are forming intelligent, free thinking adults. Is every child affected by a teacher in a way that will change his or her life? Maybe not. But isn’t it wonderful that day in and day out they do it anyway? They continue to teach dozens of children with little thanks in hopes that maybe even just one of them will sprout into life creating something wonderful…something which can change the world.

I am willing to bet that most anyone who feels successful about something in their life has a teacher in their past who inspired them. I am very thankful to some of the helpful, hard, hilarious teachers I have had in my life. I would like to thank some of my favorites – be it a day late…

Mrs. Greco, Mrs. Margosian, Mrs. Miller, Mrs. Theiding, Mr. Petrakis, Mrs. Petrakis, Mrs. Dombrowski, Mrs. Mahdasian, Mrs. Lucas, Mr. Huberty, Mr. Chambers, Mr. Hamilton, Mrs. Barnes, Mrs. Belland, Ms. Kitkowski, Mrs. Moore, Mrs. Cobb…this is to just name a few.

Thanks, Teach.

Let’s Talk About This Immigration Thing…


I understand there is an illegal immigrant problem in some of our cities. I understand that some of these immigrants are criminals looking to take advantage of our system and our citizens. And even though studies have been completed to show that an immigrant is no more likely to commit a crime than a national born citizen, it is still added crime.

I also feel our country is based on the concept of immigration. I feel it should be welcomed and not frowned upon. But yes, it should be done legally. We are here because someone long ago who shared our name, our genes, possibly our facial hair propensity traveled here in hopes of a better life. And some of our ancestors clearly went about it the worst way possible. So, I suppose after slaughtering the American Indians and pushing them into a corner of their vast land, someone with a glimmer of common sense realized immigration laws and regulations were necessary. Sorry, Indians…I guess you should have asked to see our papers.

People legally enter the US everyday. Hell, one of those people – a nationalized citizen – tried to blow up Times Square last weekend before hopping on a plane to Pakistan.  So, it can be done. Becoming an American citizen, I mean. But I do wonder how difficult this may be to a homeless family living in a box on the side of the road in a crime ridden city of Mexico. They cannot speak the language. Probably very little education. Not a penny to their name. How do these people figure out how to cross over legally? I LIVE here and I really don’t know the steps one would take to become a citizen. These people have lives which are so horrible; they risk their lives trying to come here to simply just work and eat. So, perhaps, just in the spirit of compassion for another human…we could make being a legal citizen more attainable to those who would otherwise have little chance to do so. Do we provide the people who attempt to cross the border or get caught doing so with information to help them? Just wondering.

Clearly something needs to be done about the rampant crime spilling over into our country from Mexico. There is no denying that kidnapping, dealing and killing is being committed by illegal Mexican criminals in our southern states. Something DOES need to be done about that. But I have to say that the law signed in Arizona will only cause more trouble. It will bring out the deep seeded racism in those who have at least been trying to hide it for political correctness. It will bring out the anger of the legal Mexicans as they will no doubt be the ones to be profiled. Treating a problem with a bigger problem…I don’t get it. I think this law was stupid, made without deep thought and part of political grandstanding.

The people of Arizona, other SE states and even the entire country want a solution to make our citizens safer. Safer from not only Mexican drug dealers but also possible terrorists, welfare vacuums and criminals from all over the world. I bet there are one or two Canadian criminals. But we accept them because of their darling Fargo-esque dialect.

Listen, I don’t have the answers. Which is why I am laying here in bed typing this quickly before my child wakes and demands her breakfast and not making the big bucks in Washington. I do think that the legalization of marijuana would help greatly with the drug trafficking aspect of the issue…but that is not a new concept. I also think welfare needs to be strictly regulated but half the population is screaming for less regulation…so not sure how that would go over. Wait? What?? OHHH. It’s ok to regulate and have big brother and push aside some civil liberties when it comes to our pocketbooks? Okay, wasn’t sure since the tea partiers have me so damn confused about where and when they actually want our government to exist. So, let’s say we make it a wee more difficult to obtain and suck at the welfare teat for decades, eh? Just a few off the top of my head for free.

All I am saying is give peace a chance. No. That isn’t what I was saying; it just came out like musical notes from my fingertips. All I am really saying is that we do indeed have a problem when it comes to immigration concerns. But I feel the law in AZ and the support for it in other states is SOOO the wrong path to travel.