Fearing Death in the Midst of a Pandemic

One year ago today on Seagrove Beach in Florida. We were supposed to leave for Florida today. I hope with all of my heart that my feel will once again feel the ocean waves.

I have written a lot about my anxiety disorder and, even more specifically, my fear of death. Never have I thought that I would have to deal with these fears during a global pandemic that was killing thousands of people each day. My rational mind has been introduced to my irrational mind and now they both reside right there in my head trying to make sense of the senseless and trying to cope when things seem hopeless.

I recently posted on Facebook:

The worst part of Heather’s anxiety brain coming up with catastrophic scenarios:

Hey let’s think of a disease that can kill people quickly with no rhyme or reason. One that is sometimes impossible to detect in a carrier and moves through the population rapidly. Let’s make it a disease of which there is no immunity, vaccine, or treatment. It can kill young, healthy, fit people to – so there is no escaping it. Then let’s make sure at least half of population doesn’t believe it it real so they keep spreading it. And we will have a government that is completely sociopathic and almost hopes millions of people will die. Don’t forget to throw a bunch of guns toting half witted drunk people in there too. And be certain it happens in the middle of allergy season so that every horrible symptom makes her think she may soon be dead. OH! And do this all one week after she is given a super strict diet eliminating most of her favorite foods. And let’s make sure cats can get sick too.

Honestly, guys, even my evil ass creative mind couldn’t have come up with this shit.

I mean, really. This shit is just so crazy because it truly is all of my irrational fears coming to life. It is as though the evil part of my diseased brain is somehow creating all of this like some low rent version of a Marvel plot.

And to make matters even that much worse, the news is now reporting that Covid -19 is causing fatal clotting issues in young, healthy people. For whatever reason, my fear of death seems to focus a lot on blood clots, DVTs, embolisms, aneurysms, strokes, and heart attacks. For many, many years now these have been my biggest triggers. I hardly ever worry about cancer or other diseases that can cause death. It is those damn quick killing bastards that really scare the piss out of me. So, this new development seems like some huge wicked joke in the form of a middle finger right in front of my trembling face.

Over the past several years, I have really worked on and gotten this anxiety and fear under control. It did rear its ugly head before my surgeries at the end of last year. And honestly, that was expected. I was going under general anesthesia for two major surgeries in a matter of two months. That was a lot and the anxiety did get slightly nasty right before and right after each surgery. But it wasn’t out of hand.

And then enters Corona. My antenna were buzzing a little sooner than others. I made sure to buy disinfecting wipes and disposable bathroom hand towels. The day before they cancelled school, I had a feeling it was coming and told Cassidy to bring home everything from her locker. I sanitized the office and waiting room constantly when I was at work. And I kinda sorta knew SOMEthing different was headed our way – but I certainly didn’t know the extent or what it would look like.

Then we started seeing what was happening in Italy. When I read that doctors were having to choose which patients would live or die because of shortages of equipment and space – that is when I knew how bad this was about to become.

Needless to day, this is a time of extreme anxiety for most people. Even people who had no idea what anxiety is – they are now experiencing it to the fullest. But how does someone who is absolutely terrified of dying come to grips with an ever increasing death toll right before her eyes? How does someone who is driven mad by uncertainty on a regular day supposed to stay sane with such mortal uncertainty minute to minute? How is someone who is so afraid of getting sick expected to just sit and wait for her turn to feel that fever or cough?

I knew that the best thing I could do is be as prepared as I can be. Control is a big issue for many of us with anxiety and this virus has taken away much of our control (or the illusion that we actually really had any to begin with). But I decided I needed to take control over what I could. I made sure we had plenty of Tylenol, I tried to get some cough medicine, I bought the things I felt we may need if one of us were to get sick. I upped our vitamin C, oil of oregano, lysine, and vitamin D. I took an unpaid leave from work. Charlie is considered essential and still working daily. He takes his clothes off in the garage and jumps into the shower immediately when he gets home. We sanitize everything that comes into the house, all surfaces, doorknobs, etc. The only time I leave the house is to pick up groceries (they bring them to the car) or to get take out (which we do maybe once a week – also curbside pickup). We go for walks or ride our bikes in the neighborhood only. Nobody comes over. Even Mackenzie stands over 6 feet away outside if she visits for a few minutes.

Another way I am learning to cope may seem macabre or disturbed. I am actually having to accept and almost expect my own demise. Not only did I plan for Cassidy’s guardianship if something were to happen to both Charlie and I, but I am also having to explain my wishes to my family as far as life support and care. These are things we should have done long ago and I am ashamed we hadn’t but it was just so impossible to consider. Now, it is necessary.

But beyond the logistics, I am having to face each day knowing that this could be the last day I feel well. I am putting those mindfulness teachings front and center. All we have for certain is RIGHT NOW. This very moment is it, man. When I ride my bike, I try to really breathe in the air and look at everything around me. When I pet my kitties, I really absorb the pure gratitude I feel. When I listen to Cassidy laughing in her room, even if it is loud enough to drown out whatever I am watching, I genuinely appreciate her current happiness. Just watching my silly Bravo shows, I enjoy their ridiculousness and entertainment value.

Flowers are still blooming. Cardinals and robins are here to remind us that it is Spring. I am sleeping fairly well. Gluten free banana bread tastes just as good as the other stuff. And each day that my family wakes up healthy is a gift that could never be measured. I have to stay right here as much as I can. I have to avoid the what ifs and thoughts of tomorrow or next week or next month. I may not be here then. But I am right now.

I am one of those weirdo people who actually want and plan to live until I am at least 110. I have been looking forward to each decade ahead. I want to see those changes and live that whole life. So, keeping my mind in the now is difficult because I feel the need to be hyper-vigilant to ensure my longevity. Accepting an early death is truly the hardest thing I could ever do. But I feel that is what I need to do to get thru this fear. I am not sure how successful I will be. And I hope that soon we will all be a place where managing this particular anxiety is no longer a daily struggle. I hope I make it thru all of this stronger and smarter and more resilient than ever. But in the meantime, it is just now. And I have to keep reminding myself to stay here. Stay right here.