Monthly Archives: June 2010

Video: President Obama in Racine

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You can find much better video on the web in snippets and such. I thought – as bad as the sound and video are – I would post all the video I have from the day. I didn’t want to edit it to make it look like I was spinning it in any particular way. Some of it was taken with my camera as I was half hidden behind a wall…when I ran out of space, I used Charlie’s cell…anywho…here it be…
 
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Here are some links to other video of Obama’s visit:
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Volunteering for President Obama’s Visit to Racine

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Tomorrow Charlie and I will be volunteering at Memorial Hall for President Obama’s visit to Racine. We are very excited!! We are working with the media team. I will be checking in media/journalists at the front door and Charlie is in charge of directing the National Press to where they are supposed to be. They said we should most certainly be able to watch the meeting and even ask questions if we wanted to.
 
For the first time in a LONG time I am actually excited about something. My mom doesn’t know I am volunteering. I told her I was just planning on going and she kinda pooped her pants in disgust. We will NEVER understand each other’s political views. But she seriously needs to stop watching Fox News. They have her all in a frenzy. She thinks President Obama is the worst President ever. To me, that is insane thinking. But I am not going to argue about it. I wish she didn’t make it so personal. She said she is embarrassed that her daughter supports Obama. I told her I was embarrassed to…for other reasons. I just hope she can be happy that I get to experience something meaningful and fun for ME. Not to mention working with the press…how cool is that??!! Right up my alley you betcha (wink and point).
 
Talk at ya later and will tell ya all about it!!

Monday June 28, 2010

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Last night I had a dream about this guy I went out with shortly before I met my husband. It was a weird dream, nothing to speak of…that isn’t what is on my mind.

I met Patrick on one of those joke producing dating websites. Matchmaker.com I do believe. He was one of the first people I found on there whose info/interview I found mentally attractive. My friend/boss at the time, Angie, talked me into contacting him. I was lonely, single for a long time and wasn’t too shy at that time. So, without hesitation, I sent him a message. He was an actor in Milwaukee’s theatre scene. His sense of humor was a perfect match and our interests were quite compatible. I was excited. For some reason, he felt the same…for about five minutes. In the next month or two we dated. We would see each other on the weekends, and even then he was VERY busy. Not only was he acting; but he was also working as a set designer/builder…did theatre lighting gigs…he was simply always working. And he clearly loved it. It was obvious that this would be the number one love and priority in his life for a long, long time. I was okay with that even though, at that time, I was pretty desperate for a serious, committed relationship. I was in my later 20s and living alone. I wouldn’t say I even fell “in love” with Patrick. There just wasn’t enough time for that. But I was…I guess one could call it…quite taken with him. He had mentioned moving to Chicago. It seemed a likely plan for him. I also found that he was still searching on Matchmaker.com – my friend mentioned above saw that he was still active on there and warned me about it. I pretty much knew at that point that he ‘just wasn’t that into me’. One weekend day we went out to my parent’s house with my brother and his wife. We drove separately since he needed to leave for Milwaukee after. I was riding home with my brother as Patrick was trailing behind. As we went east, he turned north. And I never saw him again. He called or emailed at some point and broke it off. I can’t remember the words…they all sounded the same at that point in my life. And really all it meant was – bahhh-bye.

A month or two goes by and I received an email from Patrick. He had seen me driving on the freeway, of all places, on my way to work. He asked if I wanted to make another try of things. I had met Charlie a couple weeks earlier and we were already pretty exclusive by that point. It was HARD…because I really liked this guy…but I had to tell him the truth and that I couldn’t. It hurt in my tummy.

Years go by…about 6 or so. I am married with a child and I get a request on Facebook…or was it Myspace?? Anyway, I received a friend request and of course, I accepted. I looked over his info and pictures and all of that. He was now in LA pursuing his acting dreams. He has a page on IMDB even and seems to be doing very well in life. My first reaction was pure jealousy and regret.

Throughout my entire childhood I was convinced I would be up at that Oscar podium one day giving my thank you speech. It was always a dream…but one I never pursued. I always figured it was an impossible dream…ridiculous to even consider. So here I was in a life I didn’t expect or desire – much like I have written about in the past. And he was out there living the exciting, glamorous life in Hollywood doing all the things I convinced myself were pipe dreams…never to be realized. For a couple moments, I really regretted my decision that one day when I told him I couldn’t see him.

I see some of his posts now. I snooped through pictures and even his girlfriend’s website. She is also an actor – among many other talents. Reading her bio, she sounds like a complete perfect package. I could have never been that to him anyway and I know any relationship we may have pursued would have never lasted forever. I guess he was out of my league that way. I was never highly ambitious. I was never the prettiest girl in the room. His girlfriend is like some kind of yoga expert too…at the time I knew him…I smoked like a chimney, drank like a fish, rolled doobies and ate nothing but chicken flavored Raman Noodles. Anyway, going through her website practically made ME fall in love with her. Bitch. LOL. So, I am sure they are very happy. Just one of those perfect looking, talented, world by the balls kind of couples that make you wanna barf. I hid him for a while on Facebook – which means his updates wouldn’t show on my page…I wouldn’t see them – because I was feeling so down about myself and choices I have made in life – his posts made me feel even more regretful. But then I one day lost all of my FB friends accidentally and he re-requested me shortly after. I was quite surprised he would even notice. He never responds to anything, ANYTHING I say…even when I comment on his posts. Not that I care, but I was surprised he noticed my missing posts. I have not hidden him since. He’s smile is cute and his updates are funny, so hiden no longer 🙂

I still sometimes wonder how different my life would be if I had responded to his last email differently. But then I quickly realize that I would have been likely left alone in a big expensive city with no real talent or good looks. I am pretty sure that situation would have sucked even worse than what I deal with day to day. That pops me back into reality fairly quickly.

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Busy weekend. Friday Charlie came home and rushed to get the boat out. He and his brother took the kids for a couple hours while I got to have some quite time. NICE!!

Saturday morning I babysat for my darling niece, Abby. In the afternoon we decided to take the boat out while the kids went to the zoo with Charlie’s mom. We were out for an hour or two, but by the time we had to meet the kids (they were dropped off at the boat) it started looking like rain and we came back to shore and went home. After cleaning up, we went to a new tapas restaurant for dinner. And after we made a quick run through Greekfest. Grabbed some baked yummies, the kids went on a couple rides and finally, we headed home.

Sunday, the kids went to my stepfather’s company picnic with my parents. While they were there Charlie and I decided to go to Applebee’s for a beer before going to Victoria’s Secret to find me a new bra. While I was sipping my pina colada and Charlie, his beer; the power went out. Weird thing was, about one minute prior I looked out the window and “power outage” went through my mind. It was dark…they were all scrambling…it was kinda funny. We finished our drinks and left. Of course, the mall’s power was out as well so no new VS bra for me. Instead we went to Kohl’s and I wanted to get measured since I lost almost 30 pounds. I waited for SO long as she helped an elderly woman in a wheelchair find a 44 A. Clearly, this was going to be a while. By the time it was my turn she brought me into the room and she proceeded to measure me. Always such a comfortable situation…not. Then she says it out loud. 38D. WHAT??!! That is exactly the same. How can I lose 27 pounds and have the same exact boob size?? I teared up. I was so disappointed. I was looking forward to finally being able to fit into one of the cute smaller bras…something sexy…not grandma style. But nope. I am telling you….if I ever win the lottery…I am getting that surgery FOR SURE!! This is yet only one more reason I despise shopping.

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So, it has now been announced that President Obama will be in Racine on Wednesday. I am quite excited. My husband’s friend who is quite involved in local politics is going to try to get us in as volunteers.In fact, I just received an email he forwarded from a White House worker and I sent her our information. Hopefully I will be writing later with good news. Otherwise, tickets are being given out tomorrow morning. I have no idea how early I should get there…how busy it will be. I really want to be there. They are giving each person up to 2 tickets. Not sure how much room is in Memorial Hall, where he will be speaking in a Town Hall forum. Hopefully I get there in time!!

So, this will be quite the busy week. Appointments, getting tickets, waiting for Obama as no one knows what TIME he will be here, this weekend is the 4th already – cookout here, parade, fireworks…and then the next weekend we are headed up north. Busy busy. Also, the Write-a-Thon starts on the 5th so during all of this I need to find time to write my booty off.

Well, better get movin movin movin…..talk at ya later.

Friday June 25, 2010

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Not writing much these days. Trying to save some ideas for the Write-a-Thon. Some of my writings will be blogs. Others will be reviews, poems and hopefully a short children’s story. I worry the ideas will not come to be and I won’t be able to write anything. Especially during such a busy week. We shall see…

I took Cassidy to see Toy Story 3 yesterday. It was actually VERY good. There was also a cartoon short before the film which was absolutely impressive as hell. I will write a review about it for the write=a-thon. But I do highly recommend it!!

Well, I measured and weighed myself today. TOM isn’t quite over, but I figured what the hell. In the past 30 days, I have lost 6.5 inches. Did gain a half in my bicep, but I have been growing some good muscle up there. My arms actually looks more toned than before pregnancy actually. And as of today, 27 pounds lost since March 1st. The last few are going VERY slowly. It seems I have to eat at 900-1000 cals a day to make a difference at this point which really makes me hungry and unable o exercise much. I would be happy to lose another 7. 10 would be great. 12 would get me to pre-pregnancy weight. Again…we shall see…

No plans for the weekend. Its suppose to rain most of it – fabulous!! Kids are going to a picnic Sunday with my parents, so hopefully it won’t rain because the break will be very welcomed!! Otherwise…just putzing around the house is good with me. I need a down time weekend.

President Obama is coming to SE Wisconsin next Wednesday. I have heard through the grapevine that the visit will be to Racine specifically. I wrote to The Racine and The WI Dem Parties to try to get some information. I would really love to attend any event they may be planning. Will keep you updated J

Gotta get up and dreadmill now. Talk at ya later.

Please Help Me Raise Funds for The Racine Public Library!!

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I am, for the first time, participating in The Racine Public Library’s Write-a-Thon. It is a sponsor based fundraiser for local writers. Between the dates of July 5th and July 11th I will be writing various pieces to be entered. Now, unfortunately, this is a quantity thing and not quality. And the rules are very loose. So, I made some for myself even if it means not winning. It would be easy to enter old writings or random blathering on a sheet of paper. But I am assuring my sponsors that I will only be submitting new work written ONLY during that week. And I will be entering only pieces I wouldn’t be ashamed to share – which means, I will be writing to the best of my ability.

Sponsorship can work several ways and are chosen by the sponsor:

A. A certain amount per word (say 1 penny per word up to 4000 words – the numbers would be set by you)

B. A certain amount for each piece entered (Example, 5 bucks per piece whether it be a poem or short story)

C. If you do not have time or forget, you can always simply send a check to Racine Public Library and write Heather Rayne Geyer in the memo.

 
On Monday June 12th, I will send out an email/post which will contain the # of words and the # of pieces written during the previous week. I will also include a link to all of the writing here, on my website. Money and donation sheets are to be turned in by June 15th. The sheets are a record of sponsors for the library – for tax purposes and to send a thank you. I take care of this once you let me know how you want to sponsor. Donations can be sent to me or directly to the library as stated above – but not until June 12th.

Half the funds raised will go to the writers to support their art. The other half will go to support the Racine Public Library’s collection of innovative literature published by small, independent presses.

As you may know, I have been weeding through some minor difficulties in my life and have been looking for ways to, in a way, reinvent myself. Writing has always been a love of mine and something I really want to nourish and explore. I found this event to be a perfect catalyst for that. I will not be collecting for the Diabetes Walk this year. This is my only sponsor-based endeavor for the year. And while I love raising money for ADA and other worth while charities, I found this one to be charitable as well as having the ability to pursue personal growth – which would also benefit my family. At 36, I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up The only interest I have ever felt passionate about is writing. Its what I keep coming back to regardless of where I am in life.

Pledges can be take in any form (well, not rocks or dirt) whether it be check, cash, paypal…it can all be worked out between us. You will also receive a note from the Library when the fundraiser is finished. Also, this contribution is completely tax deductible.

Here is the site where you can get more information…

http://rplwriteathon.wordpress.com/

Please, if you have ANY questions, just email me.

I would really love and appreciate your sponsorship and support – more than you will ever know. Please, just contact me and we will work it out, however you would like to do this!

Love,

Heather Rayne

Monday June 21, 2010

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This weekend was a literal boat load of emotions. I am still worn out and drained.

On Thursday night Charlie worked a double shift so that he could take the day off on Friday in hopes to take the boat out. Unfortunately, the weather was too unpredictable and later in the day there was a good sized storm. So, on Friday I did some shopping and we prepared for the next day and did pretty much nothing else.

Saturday, by 10:30am, we were on the lake. It was a very busy weekend at North Beach. There were professional volleyball tournaments and national jet ski races. I made some snacks and sandwiches and we headed out with Cassidy with the plans of meeting people down there. A couple of Charlie’s friends from work, Richie (and his wife Jane) and Ryan (with his wife…I mean friend, Josh – haha – JOKING). Kendra and Rob also met us down there. And early in the morning while we were still alone, Charlie ran into his old friend Tyler. We took him out tubing and his wife, Kris and their 2 girls came along for the ride. It was a long, but nice day. The weather was perfect – 80s and breezy, yet no waves. Cassidy played in the sand for hours creating her own Cassidy-made lake. But yes, it was a nice day. I will be posting pictures today. Here is video of Richie skiing:

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Sunday, Father’s Day, was not so nice. Charlie claimed it was the worst Father’s Day he ever had. And if that is so, everyone should be jealous of his life. He wanted to go to breakfast, but I woke up with a bad tummy ache and there was no way I could eat…much less get up and moving by 8am. He picked up Mackenzie and took the girls – he swore to me he didn’t mind. I had asked if he could wait until lunch, but he wanted breakfast. They were back in one hour. I can admit that I have not been the most pleasant person to live with lately. I have been super stressed out and quite depressed. And Father’s Day is always shitty for me because I am forced to think about my dad. So, I was not a bowl of sunshine yesterday. But I didn’t do anything to try and start a fight. Truly. Yet, that is what happened. Every time we would try to “talk” it would turn into an argument. It just wasn’t working.

One of the things which was creating some trouble was trying to plan for a short trip up north in July. He wants to go when his dad and step mom are going which is the weekend of the 9th. However, that is the same week in which I was supposed to be participating in a fundraiser. It is being run by Racine Public Library. HERE is the information on it. And HERE is the RPL’s letter about it. Anyway, between July 5th (which is also the day Racine is celebrating Independence Day – parade and fireworks – because of the 4th falling on a Sunday. It is really stupid IMO…but, anyway…) and the 11th, each participant is supposed to write as much as they can. Then the sponsors would pay per quantity either by piece or by word…whatever was negotiated. The funds are raised for half to go to the library and the other half to the participant. I thought this was a perfect opportunity for me to start writing again (like, real writing…not blogging) and even just to DO SOMETHING. But now, I am worried because instead of having 7 days to write…I will likely have 2 or 3. And that is most definately NOT uninterrupted time.

I also have to find someone to take care of Bob (my uber dependant cat) and the cabin will is only 2 bedrooms and not air conditioned. There will be 4 adults and our 2 girls. Needless to say, I am sure, it is not a vacation for me. Pretty much the same ole daily job I do 24/7 as it is yet, in a less comfortable place. I am fine with going, its just that with all of that…it is stressing me out!! He got frustrated with my being stressed and just walked away. I sent him the following email:


I’ve barely gotten any replies for sponsors and I am so friggin stressed out I can’t even think of things to write about anyway so I mind as well just skip the stupid contest anyway. A couple times a year you get to go away and forget about the stresses of life for a while. But I never get to do that. Going up north is certainly going to be more work than at home even, so that definitely isn’t a break. Do you have any suggestions on how I can get some free time so I don’t completely lose my mind? I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so stuck and unhappy. I have nothing in my life I look forward to. I can’t stand feeling like this anymore and it is making me the most unhappy person. I will never be able to be a good wife or mom feeling this bad. I just want to cry like 95% of the time. Like I said, I just don’t know what to do.

I try to explain to him how bad I feel half the time and he doesn’t get it. I know he doesn’t understand depression and that is fine. I can’t expect him to and I don’t. But I do expect to be treated kindly and with love. A few hours went by and he was laying next to me in bed goofing on the computer while we were watching tv. I had asked him if he read my email. He asked if it was the one where I was depressed because I haven’t gotten many sponsor replies. WHAT?? When did I ever say that? Clearly he had not read the small paragraph I had written him. Which I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. He doesn’t read anything I write on here…why an email? So I said that it hurt my feelings that he couldn’t even read a couple of sentences. So he then YELLS at me, “There. You have something else to complain about. Are you happy?” What. The. Fuck. I grabbed a blanket and slept on the couch for the rest of the night.

During the night I had such a realistic dream and it is still invading my brain. I was in a hospital room and I was watching my dad die. Much like what happened in real life, but different. I was yelling into the machine which was keeping him alive (this was not the case in real life) begging for him not to die. And then it started switching between my dad and Charlie. So at times it was Charlie dying and other times it was my dad. Then, I am all of a sudden visiting my friend Has in her apartment in Milwaukee. Some strange part of Milwaukee I have never seen. She had a funny, loud, male roommate who called the city “Greenfieldonia” LOL. I have no clue. Anyway, I was staying there or something because I was cleaning around the place and I had sent the kids off to school from there. Then Has’s brother, Jiro, who is actually an ex boyfriend (we broke up shortly after my father died in 1997). We were together 3 years. Anyway, he showed up. We hugged tightly and teared up, the both of us, as we told each other how much we missed one another and then we both said “I love you so much.” There was an intense feeling of joy and relief. Like every bad feeling was gone. The emotions seemed so real, I can still feel them. I have these kinds of dreams about him, I dunno, maybe a couple times a year. We are either reuniting happily or crying and saying goodbye forever and it is like I can touch it how palatable these dreams seem to be. Then Jiro started morphing into Charlie. It was Jiro, but he started having Charlie mannerisms and talking like Charlie. That is when it ended as I woke up to the REAL Charlie grinding coffee beans.

This morning he sat next to me and said he loved me and he was sorry we were fighting. Not sorry for anything he did or didn’t do…but that we were fighting yesterday. He said he doesn’t know how to handle these moods I get in. I understand that. But I also don’t know how to live with such coldness either. OR all the fucking shit I have to put up with for simply being his wife.

I am stuck in a life which I never could have predicted. I have many things to be grateful for and please never thing my gratitude is non-existent. It is very much there. But I am also very sad about where I am at this point in my life. I have no real passion or joy or contentment or pride. I am working on it and I am doing everything I know how. So far, it just isn’t working. It is not like this always. But it is like this too often. I need something. SOMEthing.

On one more last note as I get moving here…I have now lost about 28 lbs total since March 1st. I did a detox diet (I will paste below) for 3 days last week. I lost about 4 lbs during those 3 days and it jump started a plateau I had sit a while back. Only thing is…and this is TMI FYI…but TOM is any day now and the WORST time to measure or weigh. So, I wont really be able to tell much for a few days yet. Anyway, I am happy about that. But I miss food and I still HATE exercise and have another 10 to lose to get back to pre-baby weight.

Each day, be sure to drink a half ounce of water for every pound you weigh. (Example: if you weigh 160 lbs, drink 80 oz. of water or ten 8-oz. cups.) As with any new plan, get your doctor’s okay before you begin.

 

DAY 1

UPON ARISING
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail* see recipe below

MIDMORNING SNACK
2 eggs, hard-boiled

NOON
4 oz. grilled chicken breast, 2 cups mixed greens, 1 Tbs. flax oil, fresh lemon to taste.

MIDAFTERNOON SNACK
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

DINNER
4 oz. broiled halibut, 2 cups steamed broccoli

BEFORE BEDTIME SNACK
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

 

DAY 2

UPON ARISING
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

MIDMORNING SNACK
2 eggs, hard-boiled

NOON
4 oz. baby shrimp, ? cucumber, diced, 1 tomato, diced, 1 scallion, diced, 1 Tbs. olive oil and fresh lemon to taste.

MIDAFTERNOON SNACK
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

DINNER
4 oz salmon with fresh lemon and sliced onions to taste, 2 cups green beans, steamed

BEFORE BEDTIME SNACK
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

 

DAY 3

UPON ARISING
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

MIDMORNING SNACK
2 eggs, hard-boiled

NOON
4 oz. grilled chicken, diced, 1 scallion, chopped, 1 clove garlic, chopped, 2 Tbs. fat-free yogurt, cumin and fresh lemon juice to taste. Serve over 2 cups lettuce.

MIDAFTERNOON SNACK
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

DINNER
4 oz. grilled tuna steak, 2 cups asparagus spears, steamed.

BEFORE BEDTIME SNACK
Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

 

Hot-Metabolism Cocktail

3 Tbs. fresh squeezed lime juice
1 medium vine-ripe tomato 
1/2 cup chopped cilantro, loosely packed
2 Tbs. fresh chives 
1/2  cup filtered water
2 tsp. extra-virgin olive oil 
1/2 clove of garlic
Dash of cayenne
Pinch of potassium-based salt substitute
3-4 ice cubes

Blend all ingredients for approximately 1 minute on high speed in blender.
Yield: 12 ounces

Thursday June 17, 2010

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Yesterday when Kenzie’s mom came to pick her up, Charlie went outside to see her off. They were all (both kids and them) were standing in the driveway. Kenzie’s mom informs Charlie that Kenzie will be going to her sister’s house on her days in the summer. All because I sent her a list of the summer rules (for the kids) I suppose. On Monday I wrote a list of rules and consequences for the kids during the summer. They were very basic things, things that are common sense really. The kids were fine with it and started behaving better once we read them. I sent a copy to Charlie and Katie to inform them of what was expected and what consequence they would be receiving if and when misbehaving. A couple hours later, she responded with an email telling me since I cannot handle them, she could go to her sister EVERYday this summer. Of course there was no way in hell Charlie would EVER allow this (he HATES her sister big time). We went back and forth being equally as snippy with each other. I had really had it. It was a list of rules and I didn’t deserve a slap in the face like that. I then wrote her a long letter which I will paste below:


I can be judgmental, defensive and overly sensitive. I have felt my parenting skills to be criticized by many though out the past 9 years. Be it people lying about me, thinking I am too strict, misunderstanding me, accused of things or being talked about behind my back. Charlie grew up in a family where he was allowed to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. They seem to have a mindset that if you stick your head in the sand long enough, the world may just really turn into marshmallows and rainbows. This is the opposite of me. Because of this, I have been criticized (usually behind my back). When I first met Charlie some of his family and friends would say negative things about you to me. I knew right then that they would be doing the same thing to me.

Then there is another group of people who think I am a complete moron for either talking to you, watching Mackenzie ever or even staying in this marriage. Every day that Mackenzie is in my house, I have the chance of being falsely accused of something and I could lose my child…and subsequently my life. I was a thread away from suicide the last time. I could never go thru it again. So, I am judged by choosing to keep things basically the same as they were before. They do not understand what it is like to know a child from babyhood and then just say BYE…nope I will have nothing to do with her. How many people could really do that. Yet, people think I should. And criticize me for not.

The people close to me don’t really criticize so much, but shrug their shoulders because they have no clue how to advise me to make things better. They see me stuck in a situation where very little options are available.


You are not the only one who gets criticism. I wanted you to know that. You are not the only one to feel pressure.


I set a high standard for myself and because of that, I am usually disappointed. I tend to do this with others as well. I expect a lot of people and when they do not behave in a way I see as the only appropriate way, it frustrates me. I see kids in the store acting like disrespectful fools, swearing, pushing strangers…I immediately have distain for the parents. One trip to Walmart and I can roll my eyes about 1700 times. So when I start to see certain things in my own life, home…it goes a step beyond and I get angry.


Charlie expects a lot from me and pretty much has since day one. And he cant even remember all I did to take care of Kenzie when she was young. If it didn’t happen last week, he doesn’t remember. In fact, the other night he accused me of throwing a fit right before he was going to propose. He had already told me the story of your and his engagement years ago. I sat up and told him that was Katie and not me. He clearly felt embarrassed or whatever and walked away for awhile. Stuff like that kills me. Its like I can’t be my own person in this relationship or something. So I have a lot of pressure in my life and am pulled in so many different directions. And this has been for so long, a person can only take so much.


Because of these things, along with obvious events which still plague me to this day, the bitterness and frustration are building instead of diminishing. You always claim that I think I am perfect. That could not be further from the truth. I have A LOT of shit that needs fixing. I am trying EVERYthing I can to do that.


Yesterday I was only sending you guys the list of rules so you know what I am expecting this summer and what the consequences will be. I did not tell you to do the same, that wasn’t my intention. But I was hoping we could all be on the same page to some degree. When you wrote back with the response you wrote…I FEEL that you knew the reaction you would get. I took it as a smack in the face. Like "If you can’t handle it then she will go to Audrey’s" when I know that you know Charlie and I would NOT like that one bit. Again, I felt it was simply a slap in the face. I should have let it go there.


I was hoping we could get past all this and that things might be comfortable again one day. But I can see the resentment and distain is too heavy. I do not know where my road is going to take me. And I am sure you would just love to see my marriage fail. But I know whatever happens, I cannot live like this anymore. If you choose to make the poor choices in your and Mackenzie’s life, so be it. There is nothing I can do about it and I need to let it go. It is sad when I see things that could really screw up the rest of her (and even your) life. But I have no control and need to let it go. I need to become more of a babysitter and less of a parent where Mackenzie is concerned. Otherwise, it hurts too much. Causes too many problems and frustration. And it is clear we cannot speak without drama and fighting. That is not healthy for anyone and I need it out of my life.


I have told you some things that I have been thru in my life, but you might know 20% of what I have been thru since I was very young. I have pains to heal from LONG ago. I cannot fill my mind and suck up my energy with this anymore. Between us, some things are my fault…others yours. I am no longer keeping score as you see things VERY differently from me and it is pointless. In my heart I have to say goodbye to Kenzie as one of my kids. You have no clue what that feels like. I have known for some time that I needed to do this and I just didn’t (and really don’t) know how. This is also what has caused much resentment. But it has to be done before I lose all sanity.


So, I suppose from now on all communication needs to be between you and Charlie. Which ultimately makes me sad because it didn’t need to be this way. But it is clearly best. And I think I have said everything I have needed or wanted to say in the past years. You know where I stand and what I think. And it is clear that those things don’t matter to you. So, I am out of it now. You and Charlie can deal with your child. Who knows…maybe one day you guys can even get back together and be a happy family.


Please take care. And please know that all I ever wanted was what I thought was best. For the past 9 years, I have done the very best I knew how.


She never responded, which was fine. She never contacted Charlie. Fine. So she makes this announcement in the driveway and Charlie said that I had plans for taking them to the park tomorrow (today). So she said, ok, but she would be going there Friday. Charlie comes in the house and tells me what happened. I said to him to get on the phone now and tell her it most certainly will start tomorrow (today) and WILL be for the entire summer. I will not keep going back and forth with this manipulative bullshit anymore. He finally got a hold of her. She wasn’t answering because apparently they were in the dressing room as they were shopping. Yes, shopping. She owes everyone and their grandmother tons of money…but she can continue to constantly shop. It baffles me. Anyway, she was yelling so loud on the phone that I could hear from quite a distance. They argued for a while and he did stand up for me, told her he wasn’t going to sit and listen to her talk shit about me then he asked how the schedule was going to work and got off the phone.

So, she will be going to her aunt’s on Thursdays and Fridays. She is very excited I am sure. I do not believe they have any structure or discipline there. She will likely be able to eat all the Doritos and Mt Dew she wants. Of course she’d rather be there!! Der. This woman told me that I needed the Lord in my life. Yet, she behaves worse than most ppl I know. There is nothing worse than a hypocritical Catholic in my opinion. Jesus this Jesus that. YET her and her oh so Christian mother taught Mackenzie how to pull the wings off of live flies when she was like 4. When she was 8, this aunt told her that Obama was a baby killer. She’s 8!! So, she thought he indeed went around killing babies. And this is while Charlie is campaigning for him. What does THAT put in her head?? I could write more here, but I am holding back. Let’s just say this woman and her husband whom Charlie has never met will not be good influences on Kenzie whatsoever. BUT it isn’t my responsibility anymore. I really am done.

There is so much I leave out of these blogs (hard to believe, I know). Things I want so badly for people to know so the full truth is seen, but I have to leave some personal things about others private. Know that you do not know the full story here…Her mother’s and some of her family member’s behaviors is even worse than I can describe. It is crazy and I cannot have it in my life anymore.

Monday was mine and Charlie’s 7th anniversary. We spent the night arguing because of the stress she has caused in our lives. There is NO way I will let this woman affect my life in a negative way any longer. I tried for years to be civil, friendly and helpful. I was ALWAYS there when she needed help. ALWAYS. She came to me with numerous problems and I was the only one there for her to talk to. This is even after her false accusations. I do and did not deserve any of this shit which has been thrown at me.

This woman single handedly destroyed the relationship I have been creating with this child since she was 14 months old. I felt for a long time, she was simply one of my kids too. I loved her the same. Now, she will barely look at me. I am nothing to her. When she was little, she used to ask me if she lived in my belly. That was because I was the only one being a mother to her for so long. Her mom is a friend, not a mother. A friend. At 10 years old. It is nauseating. I am so angry about her ripping this child out of my heart and me out of hers. I don’t know that I will ever be able to forgive that.

There is one more thing I want to talk about before I get my ass up. Well, there are several things, but I will have to write more later. Anyway, I was taking a look the other day and noticed that all of Charlie’s relatives are friends with this woman on Facebook. Have they requested me? No to 98% of them. They are on HER friend’s list. Not mine. Know that her and Charlie were married for less than a year, married only because she got knocked up (could have been a couple different fathers) and they have been divorced for over 10 years which is LONG before Facebook. Now lets get this straight…she cheated on him many times. Once with his best friend. She left him about 200 times. Spent ALL of his money numerous times. Cleaned out the bank account when he went up north one weekend. She raises his daughter like shit. She talks about everyone behind their backs. She put our family through pure HELL when her and her fucked up family accused me of child abuse. Yet, they want to be friends with HER. Maybe I should behave like that and THEN they will think I am worthy?? They rarely say a single word to me even at family functions. If they say anything to Charlie, it is snide and rude. Yet they treat his brother like gold..do not understand. Charlie is more worthy of respect than ANYone in that family as far as I am concerned.

So honestly, I have had it with the whole lot of people who came along in Charlie’s baggage when he met me. He is pretty sick of it too, I can tell. We need to move away from all of this. All of these people. Everyday I am having a more and more difficult time holding my tongue and some day soon I will explode. Fuck em. I don’t deserve to be treated that way and neither does Charlie. If they cannot handle me because I have opinions. If they hate me because I stick up for myself and my family. If they do not like how I have a mind of my own…then seriously, fuck em.

That is all for now. Have more to discuss, but I need to get some things accomplished before we go to the park today. Talk at ya later J

P.S. To those who have been supportive and understanding – THANK YOU. You cannot know how much it helps get thru the rough times and how much I appreciate it so much!!!

Cassidy Singing to Herself…Video

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A few minutes after I finished (secretly) recording her…she asked, "Mom? Do you think I could be on American Idol?" LMAO
 
The song before this one was about how she doesn’t want to be normal. You’re not, darling. You are not. Open-mouthed smile
 
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Friday June 11, 2010

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I watch So You Think You Can Dance. I do every season. Once they get past the silly tryout episodes (which, thankfully, they shortened considerably this year) it is a wonderful display of heart, emotion and a remarkable talent which brings tears to my eyes. When the show began, I seem to remember it being MUCH more amateur in nature. The people were not formally trained or professional dancers as they are now. I really appreciated witnessing the dancers improvements as the season progressed. And just the idea of these kids coming from nowhere and becoming their dream gave the show another component. This season, there is only one finalist who wasn’t’t formally trained. Many are already professional dancers. While the talent is at such a high level and it makes it fun to watch, there is a missing for the routing of the underdogs.

Nonetheless, this is a new treadmill show for me. There are certain shows which I only allow myself to watch while exercising. Biggest Loser, Losing it with Jillian, So You Think You Can Dance, etc. Shows which motivate me. Only thing is…it is very hard to exercise at a winded pace when your choked up and have knots in your throat. Anyway, the top ten was chosen and next week is when the show gets good. Lookin’ forward to it.

There are a few more summer shows which have returned and are on my DVR schedule. Last Comic Standing. I love that show. But anyone who knows me really well knows how much I LOVE stand up comedy. I grew up watching it always. HBO, MTV, late night on Fridays…it was on TV a lot in the 80s. Now, not so much and really only on Comedy Channel and a few HBO Specials. I rely on Comedy Channel as we have downsized our bills and HBO is no longer available. (Which sucks ass because I was in the middle of several shows I really liked (US of Tara, Nurse Jackie, Bill Maher) and I cannot see them anymore and have no idea how the stories turned out. I will have to rent them.

ANYWAY….The first season of Last Comic Standing was the summer I was pregnant. I loved my pregnancy and felt better than I had in a long time (after my morning barf sessions I mean lol). That summer Charlie had one of his carpal tunnel surgeries and he was off for like 6 weeks. It was just a great summer and now that I am thinking about it, I get kinda welled up. After the first couple months (those were hard with morning sickness, fights with Charlie, problems adjusting to heart meds) I was really very happy. Scared as SHIT. But happy. I don’t remember feeling like that since, now that I think about it and type these words. So, we would watch Last Comic Standing and I always would joke that the baby would grow up to be a stand up. But, I was also convinced she was a boy.

Hell’s Kitchen….oh yea. Gotta love that British asshole. Only problem…that show (and other cooking shows which I love…Top Chef, Next Food Network Star, Iron Chef America, Chopped…) make me so hungry!! LOL. I have to watch them while exercising or during a meal so I don’t snack. Its terrible the little self control and will power I possess.

Oh…Just remembered it is my old friend’s bday…gotta send an email…

Ok..I am back. Today is my friend, Paige’s birthday as well as her brother who was also a good friend, Yale…they are twins. I miss them. I miss those days. My junior and senior year as well as the summer after graduation…best summer ever. It was Paige, Toni, Yale and Toni’s brother Mark…we were always together. All sorts of fairly innocent shenanigans. Lots of fun. I haven’t been a part of a group like that since and not before then either. I think it was a once in a lifetime kind of dynamic.

My step daughter was indeed dropped off yesterday morning. The day before her mom asked if I wanted to be paid. She didn’t’t ask, ‘will you please watch Kenzie’. Not ever. Not once. She offered to pay..which come on. I would never take money for taking care of a child whom I have help raise since 14 months old. That was never the issue, never what I wanted. Which is what I replied to her. It ended at that and she was brought her here for me to watch her. I spoke to Charlie, my mom and some other people about it. I got a lot of really good advice, tho quite conflicting. It pretty much came down to me having to chose – best interest of Kenzie or best interest of me. Clearly I cannot pick myself over a 10 year old. Plus, I would hate for her to be in the alternate place (though I really do not think that was ever discussed or agreed upon…I’d bet money on it. That or they wanted to get paid and she does not have that money right now.)

I already got in trouble too. She emailed me last night expressing her hurt feelings and anger toward a decision I made yesterday. Kenzie gets picked up between 5:30 and 6:00 on the nights her mom has her. So, I always feed her dinner. I do this not only because she is hungry by 4pm but because this is the only time I know she is eating healthy. According to Kenzie and admitted in the past by her mom (this was even discussed in a counselor’s appt), she eats crap over there. Her mom says she refuses vegetables (remember, she is 10…not 3) and will throw a tantrum. She said we have no idea what she puts her through. WHAT?? Again. Its like a total 180 from how she behaves there and here. We have some minor issues here, but nothing even close to what her mom describes. Anyway, while grocery shopping yesterday Kenzie was asking for and showing me all of these things she has at her mom’s. Ok. Fine. Whatever. But it was all unhealthy and yet she referred to them as “very healthy”. Her view of what is healthy and what isn’t’t is SO skewed. I feel like everything we try to teach her here and are consistent about are completely undone once she walks out the door. It really concerns me. So, when she told me she wanted to eat cheese quesadillas and baked beans at her mom’s – only AFTER I decided to make fish for dinner – I said no, she can eat here. So, her mom is now mad at me for this. I have explained myself VERY honestly in length, but really have made no progress. I need to just quit. If she turns out fat with diabetes (how my dad died at 46)…I guess it is out of my hands. I have tried and tried to help. And maybe it is tough love kind of help…but I feel I have done all I can and that I am talking to a brick wall. This was the first day of summer break.

Again, there was more I wanted to write about today…but I gotta get off my ass for a while lol. Maybe I will be back later. If not, have a great weekend…it will be raining here off and on from now until Sunday…which blows. BUT…at least it is warm. Hoping for a nice weekend next week…North Beach is having quite the day…Volleyball Championships and Jet Ski Races.