Monthly Archives: July 2010

Man I Dated Has Gone All Hollywood – Video (demo reel)


This is a demo reel for Patrick Hayle, a guy I dated years ago…shortly before I met my husband. He moved out to LA and is making his dreams come true. Still cute too 🙂 


YouTube – Patrick Hayle Demo Reel – REVISED – uploaded 7.22.10
  if(window.$WebSecurity){window.$WebSecurity.FlashDetection.HandleEmbedCode(‘ce1db137-85b9-4834-a50e-09f0f148a937’, ‘\x3cembed height\x3d\x22295\x22 type\x3d\x22application\x2fx-shockwave-flash\x22 width\x3d\x22480\x22 src\x3d\x22http\x3a\x2f\\x2fv\x2fhqLZ0CExyiM\x26amp\x3bhl\x3den_US\x26amp\x3bfs\x3d1\x22 wmode\x3d\x22opaque\x22 pluginspage\x3d\x22http\x3a\x2f\\x2fgo\x2fgetflashplayer\x22 allowscriptaccess\x3d\x22never\x22 allownetworking\x3d\x22internal\x22 \x2f\x3e’);}else{if(window.flObj == null){window.flObj = new Object();}window.flObj[‘ce1db137-85b9-4834-a50e-09f0f148a937′]=’\x3cembed height\x3d\x22295\x22 type\x3d\x22application\x2fx-shockwave-flash\x22 width\x3d\x22480\x22 src\x3d\x22http\x3a\x2f\\x2fv\x2fhqLZ0CExyiM\x26amp\x3bhl\x3den_US\x26amp\x3bfs\x3d1\x22 wmode\x3d\x22opaque\x22 pluginspage\x3d\x22http\x3a\x2f\\x2fgo\x2fgetflashplayer\x22 allowscriptaccess\x3d\x22never\x22 allownetworking\x3d\x22internal\x22 \x2f\x3e’;}


The Greatest (2009) – A Review


I am house/pet sitting for my parents and since there is absolutely nothing else to do way out here in the boondocks, I usually rent Pay-Per-View movies when I am here. They have quite a selection with Time Warner, much better than what we get with Dish. Anyway, I had the hardest time deciding on what to watch. I don’t watch many movies anymore either because I do not have the attention span when around the kids and/or because just about everything out of Hollywood has been shit for the past few years. Tonight I chose a movie which was not shit. It was actually remarkably good. It is called, The Greatest.

Starring Susan Sarandon, Pierce Brosnan and Carey Mulligan, The Greatest is the exact kind of drama I was looking for. I had never heard of it before today, but my gut told me to rent it…and rent it I did. I felt like watching a good crier. Boy was it. I teared up countless times throughout the entire movie. It was heartbreaking yet endearing…it was so very real but a reality one never wants to endure…and the acting, I forgot who I was watching. Just fantastic.

It is difficult to write a review when you desperately do not want to reveal any spoilers. I will say this movie’s basic plot is about a grieving family. A couple and their son must go through the horrible tragedy of losing their 18 year old son and brother. The boy also leaves behind a young woman he has deeply loved from afar for years. After his death, the family learns of her being pregnant and they take her in during the deepest moments of their grief. The roller coaster of emotion, the differences in reactions…it is all so natural. The entire film flowed beautifully. Just pure human.

In the beginning, Susan Sarandon’s character as the mother, wakes from a seemingly peaceful sleep only to wake to the sound of the alarm having to remember all over again that her heart is broken. As soon as her mind is aware of her reality, she breaks down in gut wrenching agony. I always felt that one of the worst parts of loss is that whole part of having to remember it each and every time you wake up. It makes you not want to fall asleep at all. The father, played brilliantly by Pierce Brosnan, avoided these bursts of emotion by not sleeping, not feeling, not talking – very pragmatic and simply going through the motions of his daily life. The son, feeling invisible has his own struggles in coming to terms with a brother who he wished he had hated…then, maybe it wouldn’t hurt as badly.

The young woman, Carey Mulligan – she is just gorgeous, comes into their lives completely unexpectedly. And her presence and the soon to be presence of the grandchild forces one parent to finally grieve and the other to finally begin to live again.

The words and the emotions displayed on screen were almost tangible and even recognizable. It was a reminder of not only how short life can be, but also how many different forms of love there are in this journey through life. We can love from miles away without a spoken word. We can love our children as though we need them to breathe. We can love our spouse like no one else can understand…through troubles and errors, with age and tragedy that one person can still be your right arm. There are no two loves a like. And because of that there are no two deaths alike. We will each grieve a loss in a different way. But we all experience these phases in life and there truly is no way around it. We will all have a loss which will leave us empty and hollow. We will all love another person more than what feels safe. And we will all have to pick ourselves up again regardless of what knocked us down.

The Greatest was a great surprise. I liked it so much more than I expected. From now on…my gut gets to pick the flick.

Anthony Weiner is My New Hero…I Wish President Obama Would Be as Loud and Passionate!!




YouTube – Anthony Weiner Rips Apart Republicans on 9/11Health Bill
  if(window.$WebSecurity){window.$WebSecurity.FlashDetection.HandleEmbedCode(‘7736178d-adbb-433c-a23e-5395a7c702da’, ‘\x3cembed height\x3d\x22344\x22 type\x3d\x22application\x2fx-shockwave-flash\x22 width\x3d\x22425\x22 src\x3d\x22http\x3a\x2f\\x2fv\x2fW4zwCMf8dsc\x26amp\x3bhl\x3den_US\x26amp\x3bfs\x3d1\x22 wmode\x3d\x22opaque\x22 pluginspage\x3d\x22http\x3a\x2f\\x2fgo\x2fgetflashplayer\x22 allowscriptaccess\x3d\x22never\x22 allownetworking\x3d\x22internal\x22 \x2f\x3e’);}else{if(window.flObj == null){window.flObj = new Object();}window.flObj[‘7736178d-adbb-433c-a23e-5395a7c702da’]=’\x3cembed height\x3d\x22344\x22 type\x3d\x22application\x2fx-shockwave-flash\x22 width\x3d\x22425\x22 src\x3d\x22http\x3a\x2f\\x2fv\x2fW4zwCMf8dsc\x26amp\x3bhl\x3den_US\x26amp\x3bfs\x3d1\x22 wmode\x3d\x22opaque\x22 pluginspage\x3d\x22http\x3a\x2f\\x2fgo\x2fgetflashplayer\x22 allowscriptaccess\x3d\x22never\x22 allownetworking\x3d\x22internal\x22 \x2f\x3e’;}

Sympathy for…Who???


My mental case political dualities are at it again. After some consideration, but little education, I have come to realize that there are 2 groups of “people” for whom I have a hard time feeling sympathy. One may make me sound like a typical democrat (which I swear I am not) and the other like a heartless republican.

This past summer there have been a number of nights – some during events, some not – in which we have been downtown. I began to notice that these hoity toity shops they have down there are so frequently closed. And often during busy times. I am always hearing from the right that businesses are in economic pain due to the policies of the current administration. Yet larger companies are reporting mind blowing profits for this past quarter. Lexmark Dupont AT&T Catapillar Ford and United Healthcare just to name a few. Outrageous profits in what is supposed to be a depression. My tears are a fallin’. Fuck you. How many Americans are STILL out of work while these companies continue to outsource and/or refuse to start rehiring for jobs they eliminated?

Now, many people would say…well, were talking about small businesses…the mom and pop shops. Well, that brings me back to what I was saying earlier. These little fancy stores on Main Street are closed during prime hours. WHY?? If they are hurting…which we are being told over and over…then why not sit your ass in your ridiculous storefront and be available to possible customers who wish to pay triple for unnecessary items? Just sayin’.

So, I just want to know…who exactly am I suppose to feel sorry for??

Here is my heartless bit. All the people who are foreclosing, foreclosed or way under water in their mortgages due to adjustable rate offers by which they were somehow “tricked”. Now, I was in my 20s and I sold my husband’s home (boyfriend at the time) – by myself. I also took care of all the yacky yack when purchasing our new home. I knew NOTHING about the business. I hate math and all of it confuses me. However, even I was smart enough to know that “adjustable rate” = bad and “fixed rate” = good. Now, this is NOT preaching. We make poor financial choices and decisions every day. But this here, its a doozy. To think that everything will be diamonds and champagne 5 years down the road is just fairytale thinking and quite frankly with that mentality, one is likely not mature enough for home ownership anyway.

I am sorry, but because of these very bad decisions made by people who chose to stick their heads in the sand and live for only today – all of our property values have plummeted, many lost their jobs, and now it is virtually impossible to get a loan…even a responsible one. The instant satisfaction addiction many Americans possess ripple through the rest of the population and it is pretty selfish when you think about it.

So, again…who am I supposed to feel sorry for???

Update on Write A Thon Results

I got some updated information about my sponsors for the Write A Thon. In my blog on Wednesday I had mentioned I raised $80 and thanked the 4 people for sponsoring me. However, the numbers were wrong!! I actually raised $152 and had six sponsors!!! So I would really like to thank Amy Geyer, Nancy Burke, Sandy Hoaglund, Kendra Petersen, Nina Petersen, Tom Werk and Laurel Romnek. You guys seriously rock!! What a happy surprise to wake up to this morning!!! Thank you very much and I hope you at least kinda like SOMEthing I wrote :)))

Want to Save Money and Win a Free Haircut by the Best in Racine??

I had an appointment for a trim…just to get the frizzies off the ends. And just prior to the appointment I learned of my Impromptu Photo Session w/Photographer, Byron Graves. Michelle Parkhill, my hair stylist of 10 years, never fails me. She works at Partners in Design at 506 Goold Street in Racine, WI. I have not gone to another hair stylist in all this time because she is creative, fast, talented, funny as hell and is just damn good at what she does. I asked her if she could do “something” to my hair when she was finished with the trim because I was getting some pictures taken. She asked what kind of dress I had and in minutes had a hairdo on my head to match 🙂 The pictures are below as well as the ones you can see in the link above. The pics below were taken 5+ hours after I left the salon!! She knows how to make that shit HOLD!! I will look for some pictures of my hair from other occasions to post as well.
But the best part???? If you make an appointment with Michelle, mention my name and you will get FIVE BUCKS off the cost of your haircut. Not only that but you will be entered in a drawing to win a FREE haircut!! And even BETTER??? You will end up with some sweet locks!! Honestly, you will not be disappointed. Can’t get better than that!! So make your appointment now!!! (262) 637-8329

Here are some past pictures of Michelle Hairdos 🙂

My Brother’s Wedding:

Donated my long hair to charity…

And meet Michelle 🙂

Portraits of Me by Byron Graves

Yesterday I had an unexpected and neat experience. I have a friend on Facebook, Byron Graves, a professional photographer who recently opened his own studio in uptown Racine. A while back, when I was just starting my weight loss endeavor, he mentioned I should come in for some pics once I lose the weight – kind of like an "after" picture I was assuming.
Well, yesterday I posted that I was going to get my hair cut later that day. He suggested I come in after the salon and get some photos taken. I was SO nervous. I had never done ANYthing like that before. Closest was getting my Senior portraits and I barely remember. I was probably stoned LOL. Anyway, I begged my friend Kim to come with me so her and her DARLING daughter Anya joined me for my impromptu photo session 🙂 I had one hour to get my hair did…paint my nails, throw on make up, change clothes, drop off Cassidy, pick up Kim and get to the studio. I was so frazzled.
But when I got there, it was all good. He was laid back and nice. His studio was a cool spot between Corner House and the new Gerald’s Restaurant on Washington Ave. I had to adjust a bra malfunction with the help of Kim (who also did a great job of this at my wedding AND her wedding…LOL…my boobs have issues and I need a plastic surgeon…) and I was ready (as ready as I was going to get that day…one day I will schedule a session after MUCH more prepping). He told me how to stand as I had NO clue what I was doing. I also have a blinking problem. They HATE me at the DMV…seriously, it takes at least 4 times to get a pic without a blink. But after just a few minutes he took some nice shots and I was on my way. As early as last night he started posting my pics and more today. So fast!!!!!!! So, I am posting the portraits below.
Please, when you are in need of a photographer…for weddings, senior pictures, business needs, family portraits, whatever – go to Byron Graves Photography!! His studio is located at 1505 Washington Avenue  Racine, WI  53403 – 262.358.1654 – www.byrongravesphotography.comByron’s Facebook Page

Wednesday July 21, 2010


I have been neglecting my blog again. So sorry Mr. Blog. Actually, some of that blogging time was hijacked and it is all the fault of MSN. I have been annoyed with some issues on Windows Live Spaces for quite some time. In order for anyone to leave a comment – which is one of the things bloggers enjoy about having a blog in the first place – one has to sign up for an account. What bullshit. The other blog sites are not like that. Also, Spaces recently took their Stats page off – so there is no way to keep track of hits. LAME. Because of these things, I decided to make an attempt to switch blog sites.

Most all other blogging host sites offer a program to allow the user to import and export their blogs for use elsewhere. Not Spaces, of course. I read everything online, tried several hack programs and I just could not do it. So, my choices are: a. stay here w/o the functions I really would like to have. b. start completely over at a new site. c. copy and paste 5 years of blogs, lists and pictures to a new site. As of today, I am staying here. But only until I figure out a way to move my junk. I spent Sun and Mon trying to bust through this bullshit I barely understand and I can’t even think about it anymore…my head STILL hurts.

However, if anyone out there has any suggestions – please let me know!!!!


Yesterday evening I had my first Zumba experience. Zumba is an aerobic based exercise which uses dance moves and a Latin flair w/loud music. Lots of swinging arms and pelvic thrusts. Thank GOD I was in the back of the crowd. And it WAS quite a crowd. I couldn’t believe how many people were there. If I had to guess, I would say 100. The instructors were on a raised stage at The Oasis on North Beach (Lake Michigan Racine, WI) and the class was in the sand facing them. Got there a few mins late and we were at the very back. I went with my friend, Kendra. Its a good place to be for shame sake…but you can only see the upper body of the instructors. It was basically a lot of flailing around for about an hour. But I laughed quite a bit (at myself) and I know it did something productive because I am still kinda feelin’ it. The only thing, I once again had monsoon eyes. My eyes were runnin like a river or mascara and I couldn’t see shit.

Because of this, I finally decided I have to do something about this. Monsoon Eyes are seriously effecting my life in a very negative way whenever I have to leave the house. And this is while taking Allegra, Nasacort and Zyrtec Eye Drops. Absolutely mental. So I made an appointment with the Allergist. We shall see….HOPEFULLY!!


The Write A Thon wasn’t a mind blowing success. I was far too busy to write much with any decent content. And I just think a lot of people thought it was stupid. Which kinda hurt my feelings. I mean, people do NOT have money right now…so, that I completely respect and understand. I also think a lot of people were put off by half of the proceeds going to me and the other half to RPL. And yea, I was feeling weird about asking for money since some comes back to me…but really, writing is not a professional dream which pays the bills so I understand why they do it that way. And my mom said she really doesn’t care about the library…she already donates a lot to animal charities and that shed rather just give me the money. So I told her not to sponsor me. I did get 4 sponsors which I am so grateful for and sincerely appreciate. And when I get the $40, I am sending it to ADA (American Diabetes Association). I was going to give half of my proceeds, but since it is only 40, I would hate to only send in 20.

I was not disappointed because I wanted the money…I was disappointed on a competitive level. I wanted to succeed. When I raise for ADA I typically get  500-1000 bucks!! Again, I do understand the reasons why. But still, boo.

I am not sure who the 4th sponsor is yet (The Library hasn’t given me all the info)…but I really do want to thank my sister in law, Amy Geyer, my mother in law, Nancy Burke and Sandy Hoaglund (husband’s ex’s stepmother). Thanks ladies, you are virtually hugged 🙂


**a couple ppl brought to my attention that their checks were not counted…I emailed the the guy in charge and he will give me an update Friday. I will let ya know 🙂 Thanks again everyone!!!!!!!!!

As far as the feedback on the writing…only had 2 people comment to me so far. Strangely, they both liked The Power of Anger best. I think I spent the least amount of time on that one. I haven’t heard any other comments or criticisms yet. But I do want to hear them!! So, if you do read them, let me know what you think – either way!! It will help me improve.


I have been mentioning my mom a lot lately. I think because our relationship seems to be strained at this moment. Ever since the President Obama Town Hall. She told me again that she was/is embarrassed and disappointed that I volunteered and support this administration. We just see things as if we live in opposite world.

Well, I am house/pet sitting for her in a few weeks when they go on vacation to visit her father for what may be the last time. He’s not sick in particular, just really old. At first when she asked (and of course I agreed), it was going to be 4-5 days. Now it is 6. And it was just kind of a pain trying to figure out a schedule with the kids and everything. So, I called to verify the times and she was kinda snotty. So I said that she should be appreciative since this isn’t exactly easy to figure out. I asked her how easy would it be for her to leave her house for 6 days. She said it would be hard but that SHE has a JOB. Needless to say, this pissed me off and I hung up.

We went back and forth over the next day and it was never really cleared up in anyway, but she wanted to forget it and thinks we should go somewhere and spend time together soon. I don’t want to have trouble between us…its a waste. I cannot ever expect her to really understand me. And she won’t. We are so very different on so many levels. But she really has been my best friend for many years now and it is sad that the relationship seems to be changing negatively. I do not want to let that happen. So if that means letting go of words or thoughts which hurt me – so be it. She is only 56, but we don’t have forever. And I know I will just die when/if I ever do lose her (I say if because who knows if I will go first…not because I think she is immortal). I suggested going to see Chelsea Handler in Milwaukee in November and staying in a hotel over night. So, we shall see 🙂


Today is day 11 of no smoking. Still not easy…but MUCH easier. Cravings pass much more quickly and are not as intense. Appetite is larger…trying to exercise more. I will be super pissed if I gain any more than 2 lbs. Charlie quit at the same time and we are still at each other’s throats a bit too. I really hope that ends very soon!!! The real hard part is going to be when I have to be around someone/s who are smoking. I don’t know what kind of self control I will have. As of this very moment, I would ask for at least a hit. Not cool. (Sigh).


I am in the process of trying to sell my clothes on Craigslist. I will put the links below. Nothing I have fits me anymore and I really cannot afford to buy a bunch of new stuff right now. What really REALLY blows is that just last year I got rid of a shit load of really cute stuff I was holding onto from before I got pregnant. I finally gave up ever getting back into a 10 or Medium. Guess what I am wearing now? Sure enough. I even bought a size 8 the other day (forgiving brand, however). I am pissed. Anyway, here are the links in case anyone is interested:

Well, that’s about it for now…time for dreadmill before I get too tired and lazy…talk at ya later.

Friday July 16, 2010


I was told that I need to let go. That I need to let go of everything and anything I cannot control. That I am making myself miserable and apparently making myself sound like a whiny baby.

Letting go is something I have been trying to achieve for many years. This is basically the reason I am in therapy. Letting go of things, people, issues, past occurrences…I have not yet learned how to do this when many of these are still in my home, in my face. For me to let go of some things means I would have to stop caring about certain things and people. And when it comes to people, it is seemingly impossible.

I guess I am not suppose to care about the health of my step daughter. I can see it going down hill, but it is not something I can control and therefore need to let go. I cannot control anything when it comes to this child I have been raising for the last 9 years. The only way I can see it is in order to really let go – not just fake letting go while I wallow in silent resentment – is to stop caring about this child. How do I continue to have to deal with her behavior and attitude, her mother’s insanity, her father’s apathy and have it all right here in front of me and still show love and care for this child? I have to stop caring about her, yet I would be “abusive” if I didn’t show care. How does a person do this?? Having been her primary care giver since she was just over one year old. How do I just “let go”? If a child you had been in charge of for the past 9 years suddenly became out of your care, out of your control and you had to watch someone else screwing up EVERYthing you did to teach that child…how would that make YOU feel I wonder?? Would YOU be able to throw your arms up and say "Oh well" ?? Maybe so…and if that is the case good for you.

I see people that have this Buddhist like mentality. So calm, at peace, have everything figured out, they don’t let the actions of others affect them and of anything they do not desire – they let go. I am jealous of these people and I just have no clue how to make my mind work in that way. But I wish these people would understand that we are not all as enlightened, as intelligent, as evolved as that. I try to be, but I am not.

Just let go”…like telling a person in a chronic depression to “Just cheer up”. Its so easy to say. And for some, maybe it is easy to do. For me, it has been a serious struggle. Its not like I do not try. I have not spoken to or have ANY communication with the ex for months now. everything used to come thru me. EVERYTHING. Now, when it comes to her and her emails…not me. None of it. That is all I knew how to do for the time being in order to separate myself from her at least. Completely disengage…that is/was my goal in that regard. Which in itself was/is not easy. All this time, we would email each other almost daily. After everything that has transpired, I still cared about her and had concern about the destructive, dishonest path she continues to tread. So, that was hard. believe it or not, saying goodbye (in my own mind) and giving it all up to Charlie to handle completely for the first time since we met. 

When it comes to how my step daughter is being raised, her heath and well being…that I do not know how to simply let go. If someone can tell me, I am all ears.

A couple people focused on the part of my last blog about my step daughter’s weight gain. In all complete honesty, if she wasn’t eating a horrible diet and wasn’t being taught false information about what is healthy (ie, diet Mt. Dew is okay, chocolate granola bars are health food, Mac and Cheese is the healthiest meal – all things I have heard her say) the weight wouldn’t even be mentioned by me. AND I have NEVER EVER mentioned her weight to her whatsoever!!! Again, I weighed her for a life jacket. People conveniently missed that piece of information and acted as tho I have the girl doing fat camp weigh ins. NEVER ever would I do anything to make her feel that her looks are important. I hate that young girls these days are so focused on looks when they should not even be aware of them at those young ages.

Her being on Facebook has been another bone of contention with me. First of all, below 13, you are not even supposed to be on there. But her parents are completely apathetic about it and never even check. She is friends with 20+ year olds who are talking about beer and “hump” day in a so NOT 10 year old fashion. She has boys on her friends list when that was not to be allowed…but again, they do not check.

So there are these fundamental things I straight up do not like and disagree with going on in my home and I am uncomfortable with it. And what worries me the most is that Cassidy learns everything from her sister. She mimics her, believes everything she says and wants whatever she has and wants to do whatever she does. My step daughter is a huge influence on Cassidy. Should I let go about that too??

Maybe I am supposed to be one of these moms who just placates to their kids’ every whim. Let them do, eat, say whatever they chose without consequence. Be their friend instead of their parent. Other people do it and it seems to work nicely for them. Yea, their kids grow up to be obese, lazy, inconsiderate, moron assholes…but let it go, right??

Just cheer up”. As a person who has suffered from a depression (which cannot be controlled), I have heard this throughout my life. “Really? GEE!! Thanks so much!! I was sitting here all suicidal and it never occurred to me to ‘just cheer up’!!! THANKS!!” Ummm…yea. Doesn’t work like that. And believe me as soon as I learn to cheer up and let go, you bet your ass I will do just that.

Death, abuse, heartbreak, betrayal, abandonment, addiction, homelessness, poverty, cancer surgery, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, heart condition, weight issues, false accusations, criminal history, unemployable…to name a few of all things of which I need to let go…some I have more than others..but there is still much lingering. I feel I have come through a lot. Could it have been a ton worse?? Of course!! Way worse. I have had it good compared to many. But these are my own demons I need to wade through. And I do think that at 36, for what I have experienced, I am doing fairly well. I am so far from perfect. I can’t say I will ever be there. And I so want to improve ten fold. But please, I do not want anyone to think I have not tried my ass off to ‘let go’.

But it is becoming more and more clear that no matter which words I use, what feelings I display – I still look like a fool, a bitch or a whiny spoiled baby. So I guess I just need to stop sharing so much. I cannot take the extra stress of being taken the wrong way with each word. I am constantly misunderstood, taken out of context and bashed. I just don’t need it.

But I have to wonder…those of you who sit there and judge as you read my writing…if you were to put your most honest, genuine, authentic self in words…what would others think of you? How would YOU be judged?

No, I do not write with the intention or the desire to be patted on the back, felt sorry for or a good job announcement. NO WAY. I simply write how I feel and what I think. And my intentions are none other than cathartic, to get the truth out and to possibly show others they are not alone. That is it. But I am sick of consistently being made to feel I am this big pain in the ass. If you don’t want to hear my “whining” don’t fuckin’ read it I guess. But regardless, I need to think about stopping this “honesty sharing” because it seems to be causing more stress for me than I can take on right now.

Sorry I am not a bubbly, cheery party girl. That was never me and will never be me. This is what you get. And I hate to say it…but if you don’t like it…bye.

Wednesday July 14, 2010


Last week, right before leaving for out vacation up north, Charlie received an email from his ex. She said that their daughter is so stressed out basically because I am so mean to her and I favor Cassidy and that she needs to see a psychiatrist. (sigh) Really?? REALLY??!!

First of all, I will poop my pants if this chic really makes the effort to find and get her to ANY appointment with ANY professional. That has always been done by me since before she was 2. She has taken her to an appointment (Dr, Dentist, etc) twice in the last 9 years…both emergency visits. So good, if she does it…it sure can’t hurt my step daughter. But can it hurt me?

This is a woman who fooled shrinks for years into diagnosing her with ADD so she can obtain Adderall for which she was addicted – a common practice, really…especially in Racine it seems. But the point is, she knows exactly how to act, what to say…she isn’t stupid in that regard at all! And Kenzie is clearly following in those foot steps. She knows that if she is made to follow a rule she doesn’t like or gets scolded for being naughty, she can just tell her mom I am mean and she will be coddled and babied by her mother who has been bad mouthing me for years. This kid is also not stupid.

So, they go in there, the shrink’s office I mean, and the ex lays it on thick about how mean I am…whatever she wants to say, really. Kenzie is listening, though she would already know what to say, and continues the BS. For whatever reason, this doc could end up in the mom’s vengeful back pocket.

Now, let me explain something here. One lie is made up about me hurting Mackenzie or anyone else in any way and I will be arrested and my child will be taken from me. That false charge is on my record forever and because of that I will always be assumed guilty if anything like that were to happen. This is clearly something I could not live through.


And this whole thing about me being mean or favoring Cassidy is ridiculous. If anything, Kenzie gets away with more even tho she is 5 years older, because I am so much like walking on thin ice all the time. She rarely gets in trouble and if she does it is never more than a scolding…no punishments or anything else. Cassidy is in like 12 time outs a day. Give me a break. Like I said, complete BS.

I am starting to see that I have little choice. My step daughter is only 10 now. But in a few short years, she will be lying and sassing with the best of them…and can I really trust that when mixed with an already volatile mother? I explained this to Charlie. And he did respond to her well. He basically told her that if she didn’t stop this shit, as much as he would hate it, she mind as well keep Kenzie most of the time. Which she could NEVER handle. Not in a million years. He sent that 2 days ago and still no response LOL. Shocker. But honestly, how can I continue to be alone with her when all it does it paint a huge friggin target on my back?

One more thing on the topic. Since the schedule changed…about 2 weeks or so…she is with me less, eating less meals here. She has gained 5 pounds in that short amount of time. I don’t think I need to repeat the kind of diet she is exposed to and allowed to eat when she is with that side of the family…its just awful. She is now medically 14 pounds over weight. That is at TEN. I cannot imagine how this is going to end up if she is allowed to continue this way. I do NOT want her to have a complex about her size or looks in any way. But changes need to be made for health reasons plain and simple. And for some reason I seem to be the only one who gives a shit about it. I just have to stop caring about all of this. I cook healthy meals. Beyond that, its out of my hands.


Last Thursday morning we left for Post Lake. It was the four of us and Charlie’s Dad and Stepmom. We stayed at a very nice cabin built and owned by their friend who lent them the cabin for those 3 days. It was a cute place!! I have pics on my site. We spent one day out on the lake tubing and just zippin’ around. And another day we went into Eagle River, went go carting and bumper boating and took a long scenic drive with the top down. The weather was absolutely perfect!!

It was nice being away from outside influences…no calls, no emails. The kids couped up with all of us in a 2 bedroom was a little much. More so for the grandparents who were clearly not used to being around kids…at least our kids LOL. Cassidy can be loud and obnoxious and Kenzie can be whiny and asks 1200 questions a minute. I thought his dad was going to blow his top.

All and all it was a nice trip.


Today is day 3 with no cigarettes for Charlie and me. We have been at each other’s throats big time. And I am trying to hide from the kids as much as possible today. I know I can do this. I have to do this. I do not want to die and leave my daughter with no mom so even worse some other psycho bitch Charlie could pick out (he’s obviously done it before me). I want to be a better role model and be able to have the kids do as I do and not just as I say. Not to mention I was so ashamed. I rarely ever smoked in public. I was way too embarrassed. Its disgusting, like picking my nose. I try not to do that in public either…usually. 😉 Anyway, I bought some Nicorette but it is seriously NASTY. I don’t know how that helps people. I hope it gets easier soon, for both of us. I get these anxious moments out of nowhere when I REALLY want one. But it isn’t as bad as it was the last time I tried..not yet anyway…its still early. I remember the first time I quit for 5 years…the first 3 weeks were awful. Man, I hope it doesn’t take that long. For Charlie too as he is being an ass.

Well, that’s all I got for now…I am super tired and cannot seem to think straight. Talk at ya later!!



****Disclaimer: When I weighed my step daughter I told her it was because I need to get her a new life jacket, which I do. So for the record…I never said a word about her weight.