Monthly Archives: July 2016

Dear Room Service Revolutionaries,

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When I was in grade school, I HATED dodge ball. I hated the violence of it, I hated getting hit, I hated having to hit others – I hated it all. I was philosophically against this horrible game and complained about it relentlessly. But I learned very quickly that as much as I hated the game – if I didn’t pick up a few balls – my ass would get pegged and I would most certainly lose.

I (and many others) have heard at incessant levels from fellow progressives over the past few months that because I am a Democrat: I am the “establishment”, I am “accepting of corruption”, I am “part of the problem”. I have been told that if I don’t say this or protest that – I am no true progressive or am some kind of traitor to other liberals. If I don’t chant so many hours per week, I guess I may just have my leftie card confiscated.

Just because I am not eternally beating a drum or shoving my fist into the face of the man – doesn’t mean I don’t have complaints. It isn’t that I feel anyone is owed an explanation of my feelings or beliefs – but I’ll try anyway.

I became a Democratic Party member at the age of 38. I almost always voted for Democrats but I avoided that label as though accepting it would automatically get me fitted with robotic body parts and a microchip in my brain. Honestly though, I didn’t want to “join” anything. I was an independent thinker. I didn’t vote for party, I voted for candidates and ideals. I was no Democrat!

Then came the Recall. I got to know other Democrats. I volunteered in their office. I read more. I witnessed more. I began to see that being a Democrat was indeed not the same as joining a cult. I realized that all Democrats are different. While they hold similar ideas and beliefs – there is still a very wide range on which one may land. Some have guns. Some hate guns. Some are Catholics. Some are Atheists. Some volunteer 90% of their time. Some never lick a single envelope. Some are obnoxious as all hell. Some are lovely as can be. For a “cult”, the Democratic Party is surely one diverse bunch of mofos.

Do I agree with everything the Dems do or say? Um, no. That would be pretty impossible. And weird. Dems aren’t some kind collective brain. Contrary to what some believe, we are not Borg. There are Dems at the national level, state level, county level and then there is each individual. All of these entities are different with different policies, different powers, different strategies, etc. Blaming all Dems for one entity or for one decision is akin to saying that all ice cream sucks because you don’t like cookie dough.

I have issues at times with each level of the party. I have even gotten into some pretty heated arguments with several individuals. Just because I do not call out each person or action in public does not mean I am twirling through a field of flowers convinced everything is hunky dory.

Here is another lame attempt at a metaphor…

My husband, sometimes, DRIVES ME NUTS. He has some qualities that really bug the shit out of me. Ask anyone who spends time with us…we do NOT always agree. But I still love him. We are still married. This is because I am adult and rational enough to know there isn’t a single person out there who wouldn’t piss me off from time to time. I even piss MYSELF off occasionally. There is no perfect person, candidate, organization…it simply does not exist. And I do not think that stomping my feet until Utopia appears is an efficient use of my time.

Instead, I decided to do what I can to make things better in the little ways I am able. Sometimes that is pitching a fit. Sometimes that is learning to work with those whom I may not always agree.  Sometimes that is waiting for a more strategic time to make a move. Sometimes it is listening and learning and, God forbid, accepting a new perspective (yes, that can be the most difficult for stubborn people such as myself).

What works for me may not work for you. And it doesn’t need to. I will defend your right to protest even if I think you’re kind of being an asshole. And while I am defending your right, I have the right to say that I think you’re being an asshole. See how that works? You do you. I’ll do me.

Before I am accused of mincing words or not fully putting it out there – let me tell you where this is all coming from at the moment. This is about a group of people who claim to have the authority to designate whom can or cannot label themselves a progressive. A few of the hangers on of the Bernie or Bust crowd – those booing at inspirational leaders and young children at the convention, those taping their mouths claiming they’re being silenced, those bullying every Hillary supporter they can find – these are the people of whom I am speaking.

Apparently, at some moment in their lives, they were canonized in the church of Liberal and were given exclusive rights to decide just what a true progressive means. Oh the tragic responsibility of it all. Even when their chosen deity expresses his wish for unity – they decide the deity has fallen and only they know what is best – disruption and tantrum disguised as revolution.  I can just imagine all past revolutions rolling over in their history books. They claim oppression; they claim they have been silenced. What I hear is a big white “whatever” (with a vocal fry, of course) towards those whom have truly been victims of injustice. SO. MUCH. PRIVILEGE.

We had a primary. You voted. Delegates were invited to go to convention. You voted. That is not being silenced. You simply did not win. And it fucking sucks! I know! Believe me, I do know. But there was no injustice here. It’s politics. It’s dirty and strategic and, yes, some of it is corrupt. The system is far from perfect. But this is not how to create change. Sometimes the squeaky wheel is effective. That ain’t gonna cut it here. Their wheels are bigger, stronger and much louder.

We need legislators in place who are willing to listen. We need civics courses in school. We need people to be involved at the local levels. You cannot blow up an entire building by throwing firecrackers from the outside. Get in there. Run for office. Help others run for office. Learn to pick your battles. Do not sabotage the candidates most likely to implement positive change – even if that change isn’t good enough for you. Do you really think a Trump presidency is going to push us in the right direction? No. It will tear down decades of progress pushing us further away from what it is you truly want. Again, that is not a revolution – it is a tantrum.

So how about this…you protest all you want, for whatever reason, 24/7 until you die. Go for it. Totally your right. You can even call names, roll your eyes and put on your tin foil hat as you claim we are just establishment tools. But don’t expect us not to retort. Don’t expect us to take you seriously when you avoid reasonable dialogue at a time it is most crucial. And don’t think WE aren’t paying attention. Because we are far more aware than you give us credit for – we are listening, watching, reading and remembering.

On that same token, you are lucky because many of us are extraordinarily forgiving and understanding. We are compassionate and generous. Many of us keep open minds and accept other perspectives. We even, at times, evolve and progress. We are fluid and constantly changing. So, when you want to work together – we will be here. When you want to come out from behind your anger – we will listen. When you realize that unity makes us stronger – we will fight with you.

In the meantime, we have work to do. So excuse us if we seem too busy to concern ourselves with your conscience and latest conniption. There are too many lives at stake.

 

P.S. I voted for Bernie.

That Damn Ticker

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So, my stupid heart is being stupid again. It is such an asshole sometimes.Stupid asshole.

I should start from Sunday night. I was having a weird scratchy throat. I didn’t feel sick and thought maybe it was allergy induced. Zyrtec made no difference so I TRIED not to worry about it and finally went to sleep a little after midnight.

I woke up around 5am sweating and feeling unwell. As I sat up, I realized my heart was beating too fast to count. Well over 150 bpm. I got some water and took my usual daily, tiny (12.5 mg) dose of beta blocker. I tried some vagal maneuvers and splashed cold water in my face. After a little while, it was clear that none of that was helping and that I needed to go to the ER.

I was put into a room and hooked up to machines within 10 minutes of arrival. My heart hovered around 150 – even after trying more vagal maneuvers (directed by RN). Doc came in within a few minutes and right away wanted to give me adenosine. This is a med given via IV that basically resets your heart. You feel as though your heart stops and from what I have heard, is an awful feeling…like you are dying. Needless to say, I did not want it. I have been terrified of that med since reading about it 12 years ago after my first sustained tachycardic event.

The doc was really pushing for the adenosine and seemed irritated that I wanted to wait. I knew I was able to convert (eventually) without it in the past and drugs always give me weird effects. So I was just not ready to try it yet. I will say, the RN seemed very supportive of my decision (both RNs and the tech I had were wonderful) and was super helpful.

I was given an IV and they drew some blood. She turned off the light for me as I laid there with my meditation app – trying like a crazy bitch to calm down. My rate would fluctuate between 130-150 for a while. As adrenaline surged through my body, I could not stop trembling. It was as if I was naked in the tundra. The shaking was insane. But I couldn’t control it regardless of a major effort. This is not great for my already pain in the ass muscle issues, by the way.

The new doc came in (she was also great) and we decided that I would take another 12.5 of my beta blocker. She also gave me a children’s dose of benadryl just to see if the throat thing improved (just to determine if it was allergy related). The benadryl did nothing but the beta blocker slowly decreased my heart rate over the next couple of hours. God, I am so damn thankful I didn’t do the adenosine.

All tests (including strep and urine) came back negative except for low potassium and phosphorus. Both of which can cause heart issues. However, the doc didn’t think that was the cause since they weren’t THAT low. Though she did make suggestions about taking Vitamin C to help my minerals absorb, because clearly they are not – which I already knew. I have not been taking Vitamin C, so I will be getting some today.

I do think the low minerals could cause this for me. I am super sensitive to any changes and I think I may have been a little dehydrated as well. This probably was enough to piss off my heart.

They said they think they saw some SVT in the beginning but most of my time there, I was in sinus tachycardia. This would be referred to as Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia – since I wasn’t exercising or doing something to make my heart race. It all may have been triggered by SVT, however.

I was told to double my daily dose of beta blocker. This, I do NOT want to do. It makes me groggy (already exhausted as it is) and it affects my weight loss. Ugh. I just do not wannnnnnaaaa!!!

I will be seeing my cardiologist on Thursday. In the meantime, I am dumping the very low carb diet and adding high potassium foods. I think I feel better with fruits and more veggies. I wasn’t losing any more weight anyway. It is time to just eat a healthy, balanced diet – even if I stay the same size that I am, I think I will feel healthier.

I have had many heart issues in the past. Mostly with short bursts of SVT and PVCs. In the past two years, even those have been under control. Taking zantac for reflux has helped A LOT as that was a big trigger for my palpitations. I have been very proud of my heart up until yesterday. Right now, I am pretty pissed off and disappointed.

My last SUSTAINED (more than 20 mins or so) tachy event was about 12 years ago. So, I shouldn’t assume this is going to be “a thing” now. But it is difficult not to fall back into negative thinking patterns. My instinct is to catastrophize and assume this is the beginning of some fear filled rabbit hole. I need to really work at not letting this happen.

When this occurred 12 years ago, it literally robbed me of years – I was consumed with fear for so long. It took a lot of work to get away from that and I refuse to go back there. But I may need help. And I may have some brief set backs. So, I hope the people in my life can bear with me for a hot second.

We are going on vacation soon. We will be in the Dells. It is difficult not to worry about being away from a large hospital or going on a boat ride or drinking a bloody mary. I want so much to enjoy this trip. I cannot worry about my heart freaking out the whole time. So I need to figure out just HOW to make my brain work for me and not against me.

Today, I will rest, putter around the house and try to take it easy mentally and physically. I am slathered in benadryl and hydrocortisone creams because the damn EKG stickers give me a terrible (and ugly) rash. I am also drinking a glass of high carb vitamin C. And I am not feeling remorseful about it. I am bummed/guilty to be missing some events and meetings this week, but I gotta take care of myself. Priorities and all that.

Sigh. Stupid heart.

 

Scrooge of the Fourth

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Getting all share-y with lots of words for a second here…

I hate the 4th of July. I always have. Since age 12ish or so – it’s been filled with bad experiences. Its always sucked but even more the older/achier I get. And I don’t just hate it like in the way some may hate grocery shopping. I hate it in a way that gives me utter anxiety and angst weeks prior.

I think a major part of this is expectations and the fear of disappointing others. I always want to make my people happy and feel I often suck it up to try to make that happen. I have done this for many years – and not just in regards to holidays.

I can deal with the parade – sometimes. But if it is really hot or we have to do a lot of extra walking – it will take so much more out of me. I simply cannot handle things the way I used to. Even the noise wears on me to a point that I need to actually recover as though my senses were violently assaulted.

I don’t drink like most. I can’t. I am a two drink maximum chic. So it is usually a sober Heather hanging around tipsy everyone else. That in itself can be annoying and lonely.

Not only is one expected to last through the whole day – My husband loves taking the boat out onto Lake Michigan for the fireworks. And I gotta say – I think it’s kinda awful. You sit out there for hours in this tiny confined area (still sober) with a cranky tween whose main concern is WIFI access. Dusk seems to take an eternity. The show is pretty – I will give you that – but then it takes FOREVER to get back to the launch and actually drive thru insane traffic and crowds to get home in the middle of the night.

I think it would be awesome if we could take our summer vacation through the 4th. That would be ideal. Especially if that vacation included a quiet beach with cabana boys and misters. Ahhhh.

A few years ago, I was able to suck it up much easier than I am now. I simply don’t have that many spoons (are you familiar with The Spoon Theory?). And I wish there were a way I could get more spoons so that I didn’t feel like I was a constant disappointment AND so that I could feel a part of the fun once in a while. I just wanna be “normal” and I want my old body back!!!

GRUMBLE. Ok. Thanks for letting me vent. Now, off to set up my rummage sale because, clearly, I hate myself.