Monthly Archives: January 2009

Friday January 30, 2009

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I hate these melancholy days. These cabin fever triggered moments which bring on sort of a contemplative somber.  Does this happen to you too or is it just me? 

 

Sometimes I think of the past and I feel sincere gratitude for making it through and no longer being ‘there’.  But other times I think of yester-years and feel a great mourning for my youth, time wasted, friends lost, decisions not made and a life that seems not so long ago.

 

I need to know I am on the right path. But I am not sure what to look for. After all, this doesn’t even feel like I am on any path. It’s more like I am a statue – unmovable, steady, predictable, and reliable…but not progressing. Stagnant. But shouldn’t that be okay sometimes? Shouldn’t I be okay with that?

 

I love my family. I have more than I could ever need. I am fairly healthy. So what is with the empty sensation? What is missing? Or is it a void created by my own fucked up mind because it likes to torture me??

 

Perhaps if I take a nap, I will wake up on the ‘right’ side of the bed J

Dear Family

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Dearest Family,

As your wife and mother I realize it is my duty, my responsibility and many times – my privilege to take care of you. Whether it be tackling the never-ending laundry piles or preparing homemade, healthy meals – I am more than happy to do these things for the people I love the most in this world.


Having said that…there are some things which need to be made very clear. I have mentioned these issues, both quietly and loudly, in the past. But perhaps you had Legos or Ipods in your ears. So, I am using this format to let you know for the very last time what will happen when and if certain household crimes do not cease.

1. If I find gobs of tooth paste in the sink – I WILL know who left it there as though it is an art form (its not) – I will simply be forced to one day, when you least expect it…rub your toothbrush on my butt.

2. Apparently taking clothing off in record time is very important to you. Congratulations. But if I have to unravel inside out jeans which still contain skid-marked underwear and damp, smelly socks again, I will have no choice but to cut holes in all of your pockets and turn your socks pink.

3. Even though I love to cook, I do realize I am no Paula Dean. But if you feel it necessary to tell me dinner is “gross” or give me suggestions on how to cook it next time…”next time” you just may be eating a booger.

4. If I find gross things in the shower…lets see…such as…a LOOGIE, or clipped toe nails or even upside down leaking shampoo bottles again, your shampoo might one day be replaced with Nair.

5. Taking your shoes off is so appreciated. Thank you, my angels. However, leaving them all over the hallway, creating death traps on steps and hanging them from the ceiling fan is so not cool. Next time, I will be marking the top of each shoe with an L or an R in bright red permanent marker. Explain that to your friends who already call you stupid.

6. Why is it so hard to close a cupboard door? Sure once in a while…things happen. But EVERY. DANG. TIME. Really?? If I crack my head into another open cabinet door or damage my uterus by another drawer ajar, I will be nailing them all shut. You can fend for yourself. Learn to hunt if you have to. And half the crap in the fridge is probably expired already so don’t count on that for long.

7. Lastly, toilet flushing was a concept all of you mastered long ago. If I flip the lid to another monster floater I will have no other choice but to fill your shoes with cat poop.

Now, I think we can all work together on this. You are all bright people. Think I am joking? Try me.

Love,
Mom

**Disclaimer….
**Just felt like writing this after finding yet another bright blue disgusting wad of paste in the sink this morning. Obviously some of what I have written is exaggeration and I am making this footnote to be clear that I would not REALLY do these things to my kids…so please…no raised eyebrows…. 🙂

Obama – Day One

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Today I have been watching the inauguration off and on as I have been doing other things around the house. With each few minutes between pausings, I am left with something new I plan to ponder or discuss. But unfortunately my brain does not hold as much short term info as it used to J  So I will do my best on the “discussing” part for the moment.

 

I first want to say that President Bush has pissed me off many, many times in these last 8 years.  I fundamentally disagree with just about everything he stands for or has executed during his presidency. But, I do see that he is human. And while I was watching he and Laura board the helicopter giving their final waves as the first couple – I felt a sorrow for them. Leaving the position of POTUS has got to be challenging enough, but to do so with such low ratings and popularity must add quite a sting of humiliation to that challenge. I am glad he is no longer our president, but I do wish his family well.

 

President Clinton was a “cool guy” much in the way that President Obama presents himself. But Clinton did not have the integrity, bad assness (yes, it is a word) and presence that Obama seems to have. In my lifetime, I have not until today had a president whom I completely respected, looked up to and admired. Yes, it hasn’t even been a full day – I am aware of that.  And I will let you know when this la la la fest is for some reason dueled in my mind, trust me. But for now, I will bask in the hope (pun intended) that this privilege – hell, right – endure for long to come.

 

To actually LOOK FORWARD to Presidential Addresses even when they interrupt my shows seems mystifying to me! To not have to worry about the rights of citizens across our country is so relieving. I can now hold hope that medical miracles will be possible, American spawn will receive the educations to which they are entitled (yes, by “just” being born here) and corruption will not run amuck as it has in recent times.

 

One more thing; I do, however, worry about the unrealistic aspirations so many seem to have since Obama began his campaign. I think he is a highly intelligent, determined, powerful man and he will and has surrounded himself with those alike. And I truly believe the ideas and decisions from the new administration will change our futures drastically. But it will not happen over night. It will not happen soon. Patience is required. But the rewards will be rippled out for generations to come.

 

So, this is what has been weaving in and out of my mind today as I mail thank you cards, give time outs and fold laundry. 

Monday January 12, 2009

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May contain TMI and some grody descriptions…read with caution or skip altogether…

 

I woke up Friday January 2nd with pretty bad side pain. At first I had thought I just slept in a funny position (guessing by the audience’s hysterical reaction) but the pain was strange and did not feel muscular in nature. Of course these things always happen on the weekends because my Dr. is only in Mon – Thur.  I called the office and an on-call RN sent me to the lab for a blood pregnancy test to make sure it wasn’t a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy.  She thought this could be the case since my period had just ended. The test came back negative and I was told to take some Advil and relax with a heating pad. Der. I could have figured that one out. The pain was off and on pretty bad – so naturally I had already diagnosed myself with some form of cancer.

 

The pain got better the next day – pretty much gone really. But I suddenly had this horrible feeling that I had to pee CONSTANTLY. So I thought – great, a urinary infection.  Unfortunately I have had one or two in my life…but not in over like 10 years. So, I called the RN again – my regular one this time – and she sent me to the lab for a stat urine test. The next day she called and told me that the test was abnormal and the cultures will show more the next day, but that I should start taking an antibiotic (Macrobid) right away.  I had no pain, just that persistent urgency to pee.  It is SUCH an  irritating feeling.  I actually entertained the idea of buying some Depends…but my husband said I would probably get lazy and start to like it and I would never stop wearing them.  Funny, Charlie.

 

So the next day arrives and the nurse calls to tell me that the lab never cultured my specimen…they needed another. Ugh. So, I “go” again to the lab. Approximately 24 hours later, she calls and says the culture is negative for any infection. What??!! That just made no sense to me. Why did I feel like such crap? She told me to continue the medicine and we’d wait to see what the 48 hour culture showed. Again, nothing. But when she called that day, I was feeling better. We both took it that the antibiotic was just working. That is…until….dun dun dun dunnnnnnn….

 

I woke up this past Friday morning with terrible pain in my side. It would kinda come and go. But it was the same type of pain I felt exactly one week prior. I knew something was up. I called the on call nurse and she said to go to the ER. Ugh. I cannot tell you my distain for the ER. Well, not that anyone really loves it there or anything…but I have just been their too many times and the whole scenerio makes me cringe. Not to mention the $75 copay. I so did not want to go. I took a shower hoping it would help, but it didn’t and I could barely stand in there for very long. I called my sister in law, Bess and the trooper she is, she agreed to come right over so I could go to the medical armpit sans child.  I hurry to dress myself and Cassidy. I clean up the house best I can. I get Kenzie off to school. And that is when I realized there is a friggin mini blizzard going on out there. I felt so guilty for making Bess and my one year old niece come out in that weather. But it was too late, they arrived. After some moaning about not wanting to go…I finally did. Let the party begin.

 

So, I got set up in a room. Got into my lovely ass crack gown and I even applied some gloss so that the disgustingness of my square shaped cotton body would become invisible next to my shiny, sticky watermelon lips.  Hey – denial can be important in times of stress.  The took blood and made me pee in a cup (I swear, I am a champion cup pee-er now…I could probably do it from 3 feet up…challenge anyone??). The PA thought I looked dehydrated (blood test confirmed) so she decided an IV would be necessary.  See…it gets even MORE fun. They also shot some raglan into my IV and I am not sure why, but it really helped me feel much better.

 

I spent the next couple hours watching TV and laying there by myself.  Charlie took off work a couple hours early to relieve Bess. I could tell he wasn’t thrilled about having to leave early, but whatever. I was not going to make Bess sit there all day.

 

So, as I am watching Colbert Report, the nurse comes in and tells me that they didn’t get a good enough urine sample and they would have to – oh yeah baby – catherize me…but only for a second and with a baby size tube. Sure!! That makes it soooo much better. Hell, I do that for fun on the weekends!! Grrrr.  I won’t get into detail of course…but lets just say even Steven Colbert couldn’t lighten up those 5 minutes.

 

About an hour later they tell me there is indeed blood in the urine and that they would like to send me for a CT scan to check for kidney stones. By this time, I couldn’t care less…let’s get this done.

 

Okay…so to make a long story, well…long….they did find two kidney stones. I have never had them before. Besides maybe increasing my dairy intake, I am not sure why this happened now. But at least I finally knew WHAT it was. The stones were 2mm each, apparently that is pretty small. They sent me home with meds and a pee strainer.

 

I do want to say, that as yucky an experience the ER always is…the women who took care of me that day were very nice and laid back and in no way condescending. I have had very bad experiences before, but their care was top notch. So…here is a shout out to Abby, Abby and PA Ashley at the Racine Saint Mary’s ER.

 

I decided not to fill the pain meds (torodol and vicodin) they sent home with me. Vicodin made me really sick the one time I took it and toradol has some scary ass warnings and side effects. Plus the pain wasn’t that bad anymore. I spent the next day basically laying around and just taking it easy. I was still having discomfort and I think the stones were breaking up on their own and passing up until last night. I woke up feeling much better this morning, so at least I am hoping that is what happened.

 

So, that basically wraps up my fun weekend. I swear, I don’t know what it is when it comes to kidneys in my family…and none of it is related…

 

  1. 1995 – My cat, Phish, had to be put to sleep due to kidney failure.

 

  1. 1996 – My dad died from diabetes related complications.

 

  1. 2004 – My cat (who lives with my folks), Gordon, developed diabetes and kidney failure (he’s still kickin’ tho!!).

 

  1. 2007 – My mom discovered one of her kidneys had been dead for 20-some years due to a previous surgery and had to have it removed.

 

  1. 2008 – My mom’s cat, Sydney, had to be put to sleep due to kidney failure.

 

  1. 2008 – My cat, Brian, had to be put to sleep due to kidney failure.

 

  1. 2009 – My first and hopefully ONLY experience with kidney stones.

 

Is it just me or is this a lot of kidney action for one family?? Enough already.

 

Anywho…I just hope I continue to feel better so I can start this healthy new year already!!! This is supposed to be MY year damnit. Let’s GO already!!

When Words DO Hurt

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Okay so I was this braced faced dorky kid from a not-so-affluent area of town on the North side of Racine. North beach area to be more specific. Anyway, (location has nothing to do with it) I went to Gilmore Middle School. One day, in seventh grade I was “summoned” to my counselor’s office.  He told me that it was the story in the TEACHERS’ BREAK ROOM that I was pregnant. Yes…you heard me…pregnant. I was laughing and very confused. How on earth did this get around about ME? And why one earth were the teachers discussing it?? The most confusing part was – I was a straight up virgin! And I remained so for long after that day. I am not even sure if I had French kissed a boy by that time. I seem to think not. I told this all to the counselor. Not sure if he believed me or not. I went home and told my mom what had happened – almost thinking it was funny. She didn’t see any humor in it, needless to say.

 

That is one example within my own realm of experience of how people just “talking” can potentially hurt a person. This was a pretty minor example, believe it or not, in contrast to other situations which have happened in my life.

 

The hardest was a few years ago. I have spoken of it only briefly within the larger story…but I haven’t really expressed publicly how this particular instance really effected me. I think I feel like sharing about it today.

 

For those of you who may not know about the life changing events which occurred in our lives a couple years ago – the story can be found here.

 

When I was charged with child abuse, there was a story/blog about it on The Journal Times weblog. I tried to find the link today and could not. But here is the paper version of the story which said the same thing but without the blog comments.  As I have stated before, many of the statements made in their story were 100% false. But apparently people tend to believe anything they read. This was evident by the comments that were made on that blog. The blog that I was regularly a part of. A blog that was directly in front of me that very day. I watched as the horrifying comments were being posted about me – one after another. Anything from wishing I was in prison to beaten.  Many of the comments were made by familiar fellow bloggers. One thing I was thankful for was the fact that no names were mentioned in the story. That was another thing that enraged the readers. They SO wanted to know who I was. I shutter to think about what would have happened had they known. There were even comments on there about my biological daughter and other personal facts which were not stated in the article – making it clear that at least one of the anonymous bloggers knew me personally. I was more beside myself than ever in my life. I cried harder than I thought was possible.  I was so angry and confused. I sincerely wanted to die. I called The Journal Times and spoke to the editor. I explained to him the REAL story but he said he can only go by the police report. And of course, that was entirely one sided since I was never investigated, interviewed, arrested, represented or read my rights.  But this did not matter and the story & blog were going to remain up and running.

 

I felt so defeated, betrayed and heartbroken. I couldn’t help but read these words that people were saying about me. I wanted to shout out and let everyone know the truth, but I couldn’t…or didn’t know how…or scared…who knows. I never thought I would get over it. And like I said, at the time…I wanted to die. If it wasn’t for Cassidy – I can almost assure you that at least an attempt would have been made. And yes, I know how that sounds. And no, it wasn’t just what people were saying about me that made me so deeply depressed. But it was enough to almost push me over the edge. Having already been accused of something so vile as child abuse, our lives being turned upside down without warning, our bank accounts being drained due to lawyer fees, worries of losing my daughter, going to jail or having this on my record…and then reading lynch mob-type comments from people in my own town…there is just no way to know how that feels unless you have been through it.

 

I am no angel. I talk my share of shit. Most people do…I think it is natural. But I just want to plant the seed that what you hear, read or think may be very far from the truth. And always remember that words really can hurt a person. But I think we all know that…don’t we? Talking at home in your own living room is one thing…but in the “virtual living room” consequences can grow rapidly. Anonymity has created a world of hurtful and verbally violent geeks out there just waiting to cause emotional harm to someone. Just be careful not to be one.

 

I am kinda jumping from one thing to another…focus is not 100% today. My apologies.

 

Anywho…have a good day J