Tuesday May 25, 2010

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In past months I have discussed the hold cigarettes have placed on my life once again. 7 years ago, after I was married, I quit. For good, I thought. I was smoke free for over 5 years. I was so happy to be free of that disgusting crutch. Then 2 years ago, on vacation, I thought I could have a few. Well, I couldn’t. In these past 2 years I have tried to quit a number of times. Lasting no more than a couple weeks. A few months ago I went on Wellbutrin for depression. Wellbutrin is also marketed as Zyban, a drug prescribed for smoking cessation. Even on the highest dose, I still feel the need for a couple smokes a day. And that’s what it has been 1-3 cigarettes a day for the last couple months. So few, yet I cannot seem to let go. And I pretty much know the reason why. Weight.

Since the end of February I have lost 20 lbs and in the last month, 5 inches (didn’t measure until a month ago). I have worked very hard. I know that quitting will slow my metabolism which is already shitty and likely cause weight gain. I cannot handle that. I have working way too hard. And there is no way I am going to work my ass off everyday and deprive myself of food with no results. People can say it is simply calories in and calories out and to that I say BULLSHIT. I know there are factors such as medications which can greatly influence the speed of one’s metabolism. Currently I am exercising at least an hour a day 6-7 days a week and eating fewer than 1200 calories a day. I keep track of everything. With this, I had been losing about 1-2 lbs a week. Slow, but more than I have been!! But now, the past couple weeks, that has stood still. Can’t get past that 20 mark. Quitting smoking is only going to make that worse. I NEED to lose this weight. I cannot look like this anymore. Period.

So, Charlie and I decided to quit yesterday. it’s a double edged sword. It is impossible to quit when you are living with a smoker. However, instead of being “quitting buddies” or a support system for each other, we tend to just take our frustration out on one another. Then we argue and want to smoke even more.

So, today, this is what is consuming me. My desire to quit smoking once and for all. And my need to lose this extra weight so I can stop being so disgusted with myself.

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

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