Monthly Archives: February 2006

For Cassidy

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Since you were born I’ve wondered

Is it possible my heart has grown

The love I have for you my dear

Can be felt in every bone

 

I watch in great wonder

As you learn, laugh, and grow

You are glowing and brilliant

Magnificent from head to toe

 

Your kisses and hugs

Bring tears to my eyes

New words everyday

Bring on proud sighs

 

Words are just too limited

To express my love for you

 

Each time I look into those eyes

I feel something brand new

 

You will always be

My magic spark

My saving grace

My light in the dark

 

Thank you for choosing me

To be your mom and all

I never knew so much love

Could be just three feet tall

For Mackenzie

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My hair is not like yours at all

And you do not have my eyes

From my womb you were not born

But we do have special ties

 

I wanted to teach you everything

East from West, right from wrong

And all there is to know

 

I loved and cared for you

The very best I knew how

Even when it didn’t show

 

I wish you all the very best

And a life made for kings

 

You are sweet, smart and deserve the most

For your name the future sings

Freedomland – A Review

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Freedomland – A Review

 

Today I went to see Freedomland starring Samuel L. Jackson, Julianne Moore, and Edie Falco.  I hadn’t heard much about it beforehand and didn’t quite know what to expect. 

 

I have a tendency to be very sensitive to movies. I use a lot of tissue at the theatres’ expense.  And have been afflicted with what I call ‘theatre throat’ many times. Theatre throat is that very uncomfortable tightness you feel in your throat due to your attempt to suppress a cry while watching a movie in the midst of others with whom you wish to remain composed. I am sure some of you out there with actual emotions know of what I am speaking.

 

While watching Freedomland, I had thee worst theatre throat ever! And it is not like I really held it in all that much either. This movie was very emotional, powerful, and disturbing. It was also suspenseful as you really weren’t sure what direction it was going to take you. This is one of those movies that could have several alternate endings and all likely would have been superb. I have not read the book, but did get the impression a lot was left out of the movie, as there were some loose ends. But nevertheless, the good outweighed the bad.

 

The most breathtaking aspect of this film was the acting preformed by Julianne Moore.  Not once in the entire movie did I see her as an actress.  She was a disturbed, heartbroken, fearful mother from start to finish. Her acting in this movie was undoubtedly one of the best performances I have literally ever seen. I have read in other reviews that some of her character’s lines made no sense, that they didn’t fit in with the dialogue. My answer to this is quite simple. Put yourself in the characters shoes and then tell me everything you say is going to be articulate, poignant, and sensible. I thought her script and acting made this one of the most believable characters I have ever seen on screen. I am a highly sensitive person, and I could feel such energy from her scenes that I normally do not feel unless it is real life footage of real people. I felt her pain. She was real. And THAT is what acting is all about.

 

Not to ignore the magnificent Sam Jackson who was also quite illuminating in his own right. And a particular scene with Edie Falco was fascinating.

 

This won’t be a long review as I try very hard not to give any spoilers. And even more than that, they are few words to describe how moving and memorable this film was to me.

Letter to Editor – All Day Kindergarten

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I am writing in support of the proposal for All Day Kindergarten. I think this is a very exceptional idea for several reasons.

 

I believe that children are very capable of learning at very young ages, even if that learning is primarily socialization and following instruction. I think that starting education at an early age will only be beneficial to our future society. People complain about the failure rate of RUSD students, they bellyache that younger generations cannot ‘compete’ with those of other countries, and they criticize the state of our communities.  And yes, it is up to parents to instill values, manners, and the sense of right and wrong within their own children. But let’s face it that simply isn’t happening in every household. For children to be able to be in a structured environment learning at an early age  will only be valuable to all of us in the long run.

 

Also, I have heard it be said that this proposal is nothing more than a tax-paid babysitter. That is ridiculous. Yes, daycare is very expensive and many times it is simply more economical for a parent to stay home and not work instead of sending their child to daycare. And being a stay at home mother, I do see the benefits of this everyday and wouldn’t change my situation regardless of income. However, my daughter is only 18 months. When she is of kindergarten age, I know she will need more than I can provide. And 3 hours a day is simply not enough time to teach them to the extent they are capable of learning. And at that time, I will then be able to get back into the workforce. Doesn’t that benefit our economy?

 

I suppose there will always be people to bash any decisions made by RUSD. You certainly cannot please all of the people all of the time (or even some of the time). But I felt the need to voice my support for this advantageous proposal.

Why I Think I MAY Be an Empath

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  The past couple of months I have read or heard things that have led me down a path of considering the possibility of my being an empath.  Now, please know I am not saying I am certain or that I am sure this truly exists. But the things I have learned about this ring so true to my own experiences that it is difficult to ignore. I have so many questions and it is really not a topic that is easy to learn about, especially from an actual expert or advisor. If anyone out there can offer any information that may help in my ‘research’, I would be more than appreciative. Here are some reasons why I think I MAY be an empathy or something of the sort. Some of these are copied from other posts I have made.

 

    

  1. Since I can remember I have been highly sensitive – both physically and emotionally. I will feel a sensation, discomfort, or emotion suddenly for no apparent reason and this usually led to great anxiety.

 

  1. When I go under street lights, they turn off. Not always, but A LOT. I have been told this is due to a high level of kinetic energy and that most people with this energy are born healers.

 

  1. I always know when someone is being dishonest or untrue in someway to me. Whether I chose to acknowledge it or not, I always – deep down – know. Always.

 

  1. I also always know when someone is talking about me, betraying, or disrespecting me. I can’t explain how or why…but I know.

 

  1. I feel a VERY strong connection with animals. I feel they know I am safe. My compassion for animals is very heightened.

 

  1. I feel physical symptoms that cannot be medically explained. Some chronic, some periodically. Anything from sudden tachycardia to a huge mark on my leg to chest pain.

 

  1. Many times when I feel these sudden unexplained bouts of symptoms or anxiety, I will later find out of a tragedy. Here are a couple examples:

 The day before 9/11, I laid on the bathroom floor throwing up and crying. I was in a very deep depression and was physically sick. It was completely out of nowhere and completely unexplained. I called the Dr. and made an appt for the next day, thinking perhaps I was pregnant. On my way to the Dr. I was listening to the radio when the planes hit the World Trade Center.  At that moment, that feeling of doom and sickness simply lifted away. I was so very sad of course about the whole tragedy, but it was like everyone else’s sadness. Not the deep sorrow I was feeling the day previous.

The night the miners in Virginia died in the collapsed mine, I had this same feeling. Along with it was vertigo, which I had never experienced in my life, and trouble breathing fully. I was also suddenly extremely fatigued. I laid in bed all night. The next morning I had heard that the men had died.

These are just a couple examples.

 8.      I have a very hard time dealing with unauthentic people. People who are dishonest and untrue to themselves and others. This means, I have a hard time dealing with most people in general. I am a hermit type who usually chooses a loner lifestyle.

 9.      I am always searching for reasons. The Whys in life. When I cannot know, when there is simply an unknown – it drives me crazy. This is why I believe death is so hard for me to come to terms with. Death is the ultimate unknown.

10. Unfairness, injustice…bothers me more than most. I cannot seem to just let things go as others seem to be able to do.  

11. I am always tired and drained. Always.

12. I have a very hard time biting my tongue. I say what I feel when I feel it and if I don’t or can’t, it eats away at me.

13. I have had numerous pre-cognitive dreams – even though they usually are meaningless and I do not figure them out until much later when the pieces fall right into my lap LOL!!

         ie. I had a dream that Charles Schultz died. The next morning I heard he did. I knew his last strip was to run that  week – so he was in my sub conscious already. But I remember in the dream I was so astonished that he actually died the day of his last cartoon. He died during his sleep on the 12th and his last cartoon ran on the 13th.

        A couple weeks ago two planes nearly crashed at OHare. In my dream the night before, two planes crashed – one was cargo one was passenger. It was close to home but not near enough to see it. No one died.

 


As I think of more, I will update.  Again, anyone out there with thoughts on this, please post a comment or email me – cheers44@hotmail.com.  I am very interested to hear whatever you may have to say.

Young Death and Some Other Thoughts

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Reading the newspaper this morning, which I usually tend to avoid due to all the negativity, I read an obituary that has me perplexed and sad.  There is a woman who was the exact same age as me, a week younger in fact, who has died. I didn’t know this woman and we did not attend the same schools. But I knew several people that have known her throughout the years, so I have heard of her. I also went on one blind date with her twin brother in high school. It did not go well, so a second date was never to be. She was 31 years old, married, with young children. Reading the memorial, she obviously had many loved ones and was even Godmother to 3 or 4 different children. I find this all so very sad.

 

Why did she die? The obituary gives no clues and I have found no articles regarding her being involved in an accident. I have the email of one friend who knows her so I am awaiting a response from her. I cannot get this out of my mind.  It is like I need to know HOW she died. Is that completely morbid? I certainly do not mean to be. As I said, I am just very perplexed and sad. And I didn’t even know her.

 

Yesterday was a bad, bad day. I woke up with terrible heart palpitations. PVCs as they are known in the arrhythmia world. I do get them and have been getting used to them, but this was the first time they woke me up and were so frequent. I took my medication and they did improve. But this feeling of doom and dread did not cease. Even though I was not panic stricken, I had this concern all day about my heart and having a possible heart attack. My mother and husband both tell me over and over that I am fine, healthy, and young…and to stop worrying.  But then I read this obituary and am reminded that age has little to do with death and when it can strike.

 

I know I need to come to a peaceful acceptance about death. I need to conform to the knowledge that I truly have no control over it and it will come when it is suppose to. I need to learn how to do this. I feel I am getting better at this acceptance and realization, but I defiantly need improvement.

 

I have come to the realization of something else, however, and it is something at which most would roll their eyes.  I was born with a particular energy. I feel things many do not feel. I feel things very strongly not only within my own body, but also outside of my own being. I think I can sometimes sense when bad things are going to happen. I can actually sometimes FEEL what another person is feeling. I think it is referred to as being an empath of sorts. I am still learning about this side of myself and so far, I have seen it only as a drag to say the least. But I think it is a very possible reason for my unexplained ‘spells’.  Not the anxiety, but the strange days of complete fear, doom, and physical discomfort.  I will give you a couple examples.

 

The day before 9/11, I laid on the bathroom floor throwing up and crying. I was in a very deep depression and was physically sick. It was completely out of nowhere and completely unexplained. I called the Dr. and made an appt for the next day, thinking perhaps I was pregnant. On my way to the Dr. I was listening to the radio when the planes hit the World Trade Center.  At that moment, that feeling of doom and sickness simply lifted away. I was so very sad of course about the whole tragedy, but it was like everyone else’s sadness. Not the deep sorrow I was feeling the day previous.

 

The night the miners in Virginia died in the collapsed mine, I had this same feeling. Along with it was vertigo, which I had never experienced in my life, and trouble breathing fully. I was also suddenly extremely fatigued. I laid in bed all night. The next morning I had heard that the men had died.

 

There have been a number of instances like this. Sure it could all be coincidence. But I am keeping a journal from now on to keep track of these strange occurrences. My mom suggested last night that perhaps I was feeling the way I was last night because something bad was going to happen, perhaps to someone else. And even though I have been effected by this woman’s death, it cannot be the explanation for yesterday’s feelings because she died last week. So, who knows.

 

Anyway, this blog obviously went askew. I apologize.

 

My condolences go out to the Christiansen and Zanis families. I feel such sadness for their loss.    

A Peek Into an Anxiety Attack

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I had the first anxiety attack that I have had in months this morning. It wasn’t a full blown panic attack which I used to get, but it was sort of a mini attack which caught me by surprise considering I have been doing so well anxiety-wise. It also had/has me feeling angry and disappointed. I was almost feeling ‘cured’ for a while there. As I have learned through years of suffering from this horrid affliction, journaling is a wonderful tool in dealing with anxiety and the attacks especially. I journaled as I was going through the attack and I will share with you that journal entry in hopes to give some people an insight to what happens to some people during an anxiety attack. But please keep in mind that this is years and years after having been dealing with anxiety. For many (and even myself not so long ago) the attacks were much longer and more intense then the one I am about to describe. This entry is after a lot of therapy, reading, and even while on medication.

Thursday February 9th 9:55am

After I got out of the shower I felt a weird sensation in the back of my leg. That went away within a minute or so, but then I started feeling strange aches throughout the rest of my body in various places lasting only very brief moments. First in my left hand, then in my right foot, then my back..there seemed to be no pattern or reason. The pains were slight, just like a quick dull ache. But as they happened, I began to focus on my body and how I was feeling. The more I thought (worried) about these feelings, I also started to notice difficulty breathing and tightness in my throat and chest. My tummy also started to feel upset. I then started that same obsessing I used to get about the baby being left alone if something were to happen to me and I was not able to call 911 in time. The more I worried about this, the worse the physical symptoms felt. I did read an article last night that I knew I should have stayed clear from…it was about young women and strokes/heart attacks. So, of course, as usual, this is what I was fearing. Blood clots of any kind – heart, abdominal, head, lung – are my biggest fear. I put Cassidy in her crib hoping she will nap as it is near her naptime. At least that way, she will be safe if I were to pass out, or God forbid, die. I do realize that the more I start to get anxious and worry about my physical sensations and aches, the stronger they get. I realize that the anxiety causes a Physical and chemical reaction in my body that causes my muscles to tense which creates the tightness in my throat and chest. Also, I think that I unintentionally and unknowingly hold my breath when I become anxious and this is what causes the difficulty in breathing. I need to remember that I am basically a healthy person and have no rational reason to believe that I am in any life threatening danger. I also need to realize that when it is my time to die, I will have no control over that and I need to be at peace with that fact. I have taken all the rational, necessary steps to take any control I can – live a reasonably healthy life and educate myself on the possible dangers. Aside from that, there is truly nothing more I can do. I need to be okay with that lack of control and the truly unknown. I am a very sensitive person, both emotionally and physically. I feel a lot of aches, pains, and sensations that typically people would not even notice. Having the heart condition makes it more noticeable as I can feel arrythmias – but I must remember that they will not kill me. I have to remember that I have this habit of catasrophizing everything I feel and automatically assume I am in danger. As real and as scary as these feelings are, I must remember this habit because the older I get, the more aches I seem to get. As I have been sitting her writing for the past 30 minutes, my breathing has been normal, heart rate normal, and I do feel more relaxed. Though journaling does help a great deal, I need to work more on the CBT techniques so I can stop the obsessive thinking before it even reaches the point of even these ‘mini’ attacks.

End of entry.

Thanks to the medication I am on and my wonderful therapist, I have been basically anxiety free for months. But I must realize that I have a long way to go before I can consider myself ‘cured’. Perhaps there is no cure and it is just a matter of dealing with a life with relapses and remissions. For years I cried, why me. But I must remember that having to deal with this has also given me many opportunities I would otherwise not have. I have a greater understanding and compassion for those who have conditions many do not comprehend in the slightest. I have the opportunity to help others who are just learning about how to deal with anxiety/panic. I have the opportunity to look at this extra sensitivity as a gift in many ways. I won’t get in to all that now, but it has given me some power I would otherwise not have – I am not only sensitive to myself and my own body – but can actually empathize more than I think most people can on many different levels. I have also had the opportunity to meet some people that bring a lot to my life. Especially my therapist who helps me in ways I wasn’t even searching for.

It is unrealistic and even unfair to expect someone who has never had to deal with an anxiety disorder to even remotely understand what it is like to live with. But I think it is important to discuss these things so that not only can the people who suffer gain some skills and commrodary, but so that those who do not understand can at least begin to gain some insight.