Monthly Archives: July 2009

Tuesday July 21, 2009

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Well, the family vacation dilemma isn’t really a dilemma anymore…just more of a worry. I spoke to Charlie and asked him if we could maybe just go for 4 or 5 days instead of the entire 7 days and he said that he really wanted to stay up there the whole week. Then he said that he was probably going to be taking his nephew because his parent’s car is too small. So, he was planning on me staying home all along. I asked him how he felt about it and he said it wasn’t an issue to him at all. He said I would probably get bored and spend half the time bitching. Gee, thanks lol. So, clearly…he REALLY does not care if I go or not and thinks the kids wont care one bit either – especially since I am with them all day everyday.  So, Bob and I will be staying home and holdin’ down the fort. I will miss my family though. I have NEVER been away from Cassidy for that long. I will also worry a lot. I just really hope they are all very careful and watch the kids constantly!!

 

I think taking those 7 days and having some genuine decompression time will actually be very good for me. I can do things around here that need to get done without nagging, criticism (do it THIS way) or constant interruptions. I can sleep until I wake up naturally. I can take in a yoga class or maybe even a massage. Perhaps I can even do some writing. Yea, I do think it will be good for me.

 

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For some reason the last few weeks have been really weird and emotional for me.  I cry at the drop of a hat. I am SO irritable. And most of all, I feel HORRIBLE about myself. I keep having dreams where people are either rejecting me or making fun of me because of my weight and looks. Even though I have been seeing a little change in my weight (for the better) lately, I feel no better at all. I saw a recent pic of myself the other night and started crying. Is this just the new me now? Do I have to just accept that I will never be thin and pretty again?? I never thought I was pretty or even anything close to it. I have always had issues with that. But when I look at pictures from the past, I wish I would have appreciated what I had (or didn’t have) back then. And I am talking even a mere 5 years ago. I dunno. It is so depressing and I HATE seeing people I haven’t seen in years simply because of the way I look. I hate feeling this way. I hate hate hate it.

 

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Lately Cassidy’s behavior has been exhausting. She pushes EVERYthing passed the limit. She does not listen. Has a snotty mouth. And she fights us on everything. She got in trouble at Kiddie Korner the other day for not listening to her leader. I was so embarrassed. It was like they didn’t even want her there anymore. And see, the thing is…this kid is smart. And yes, I am completely aware that every parent says this about their child. But she is oddly perceptive, intuitive and extremely quick witted. But I don’t even know how to get thru to her right now. Consequences seem to have very little effect. Yelling and threats certainly don’t work. Please tell me this is just a phase!! I am so afraid for her to start pre-K this September if she is still having this monster possession.

 

Kenzie is doing just fine. She started soccer this summer and seems to like it…but she needs to practice more – and I don’t mean just kicking the ball into the fence!! She is doing really well tho for having never played before. Hope it continues.

 

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Anywho…I gotta run for now…but I will write again soon. More I wanted to “talk” about.

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Thursday July 9, 2009

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It’s been a while. I know, I know. Not much motivation for writing these days. Perhaps it is the lack of things to write about and wanting to avoid whining in public as much as possible. But today I am in a funk and figured what the hell. I need to spew some random, mundane life shit and I really don’t care how poopy I sound.

 

I say “today I am in a funk”, but really…I have been here for a while now.  I haven’t been keeping promises to myself.  I have been irritable big time.  And I cannot shake this feeling that I am wasting my life away.  I love my family. I like that I am able (barely, but that is another topic) to stay home with the kids and be available to be responsible for their needs in the ways I see fit.  I love being here to watch Cassidy grow and learn more each and every day.  I like being able to provide home cooked meals on a regular basis.  But really…is that all there is? Shouldn’t I do more as a growing individual? I don’t even FEEL like an individual anymore to be quite honest with you.  I feel like someone’s wife, someone’s mom, someone’s stepmom…but where in the hell did Heather Rayne Jocius go?? I actually miss her.  And I wouldn’t be surprised if other people (like my mom for one) did as well. 

 

You can give me ideas. But I bet I have already thought about them. And there is always a cookie cutter excuse why each idea would not work for me. 

 

Job? None out there. Can’t get hired with background check. Jobs I can get wouldn’t make me any happier than what I am doing now – I’ve tried them all.  Plus, I cannot make enough to make it worth it after child care is paid for.

 

Volunteer? Oh I have printed out volunteer openings for anything between Bingo Callers to Secretarial Workers. But have I ever gone beyond that? Nope. I figured, I would need to pay a sitter so volunteering would actually cost me money I do not have.  

 

Join a club or find a hobby? Well that excuse is easy…I have some major social anxieties and no skills or talents whatsoever.  What on earth could there be for me out there??

 

School? WAYYYY too expensive right now. And besides, what the hell would I even go for at this point? All my Gen Ed classes are completed…I would have to make a decision. Many decisions. This would cost, again, way more than I have.

 

So I suppose that leaves me with one option – suck it up whiney ass!!

 

I dunno. Maybe its hormones and I am going thru “the change” early.  Or perhaps a mid life crisis. Regardless, I hope it blows over because I am in some serious need of some genuine happiness and ease.

 

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Later this summer my husband is taking the kids up north with his mom and step dad to a cottage they rent in St. Germaine (near Eagle River, Minocqua…) for a week.  I say he is taking them because I have not yet decided if I am going.

 

My cat, Bob, AKA my BFF, is now here alone since his sister died last summer. He has kidney failure as well, but seems to be tolerating it pretty well. I have written before about how dependant this cat is on me. I know it may seem silly, but he really is.  He is like constantly attached to my hip.  So, how do I leave him for a whole week?? I have never left him that long before.  And honestly, I cannot think of anyone who could stay here just to take care of a cat. I don’t want him to just get checked in on, ya know?? He will be so scared and lonely.  And what if I do that and he dies a week later? I would feel awful forever.

 

Also, I do have to admit that camping in the North Woods just isn’t what I want to do for an entire week.  Yea, when I was younger and would drink bloody marys and pretty much sleep and party all day…it was much different. And you have to remember, I am a stay at home mom…for about 6 years now. I am with these kids ALL of the time. I am cooking and cleaning all of the time.  What exactly would make this a vacation?? LOL.

 

The cabin seems nice. They stay there every year. I just wish it wasn’t for so long or so far away so I could just come home by myself when I was ready. I think seven people (three of which are crazy ass kids) in one cabin for 7 days will make me anxious. As you may know, I am the type of person who seriously requires privacy and alone time. I seem to hold in these bad energies and without some decompression time, alone, I would possibly explode. That would be gross.

 

On the other hand, I have never been away from my husband or daughter more than a couple days. I would miss them and worry about their safety all the time.  And a friend on Facebook mentioned that it could be emotionally unhealthy for my daughter if I miss a family vacation. I never thought that was a worry.  I honestly never thought Cassidy would care one way or another. She will be having fun and I guess I figured she probably wouldn’t even think of me much. But now after reading what my friend wrote, I feel even MORE guilty for considering staying home that week. Here is what she said and I would love to hear if you agree with this. Feedback will really be helpful to me now.

 

"Being a traditionalist, I’d have to say that it’s absolutely no question that you have to put your marriage and family first under all circumstances. Pets are wonderful, but they are only with us for a short while, but I’m guessing your daughter will remember your absence from a family vacation for the rest of her life…

 

Plus, it sets a dangerous precedent, excluding yourself from family events, for a variety of reasons: #1, it isn’t healthy for your marriage, and #2, it makes it so much more likely your daughter will insist on skipping family events when she gets older (which isn’t healthy for her). We just went on a week long vacation to the north woods (the drive to the very tippy top of the state was only 4.5 hours) and we left 2 dogs, a cat, a guinea pig, and 10 chickens in the care of a pet sitter, and they all did just fine. And in spite of crappy weather, it was absolutely WONDERFUL to get away, a good experience for all of us:-)"

 

Anyway, I would love to hear what you think about this topic. Am I really being a bad mother, wife?? I mean, I know I am not perfect. There is much to improve upon. But I do try.

 

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Did ya hear the news?? Michael Jackson died. Oh. My. God. I realize what a superstar he was and I appreciate that, I really do. But the coverage is just out of control!! What I can say about it is that when he was going through the accusations and trials regarding child abuse, I did think he was guilty…of SOMEthing. It all just seemed very strange to me and as a mom, I would not feel the least bit comfortable with the situations described.  But since his death and seeing his children and watching his beautiful daughter speak at the memorial…I have a new respect for him as a father. She clearly loved him very much. I could feel her pain.

 

Another person I gained surprising respect for is Farrah Fawcett. After years of seeing her act ditsy and out of her mind on various television appearances, I really did not think much of her. But after watching the documentary on her battle with cancer, I see her in a whole new light.

 

I hope they are both happy where they are now.

 

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There is actually more on my mind, but Cassidy is driving me INSANE right now and I can barely think. Talk at ya later.