Friday April 25, 2008
Still in my robe
Lazy, tired, introspective, blue
Drinking Decaf Pomegranate Green Tea – Iced
“Enchanted” playing in the background for the MILLIONTH time
Plans for the day: Shower, Treadmill, Weights, Dishes, Laundry, Read…trying not to get too excited about my thrilling life…
I am reading A New Earth. Hopefully as I get further along, I will learn how to stop being such a complaining boob. I am just in a funk lately. It won’t last. I sometimes get into these negative nostalgic swamps from which climbing out can be quite daunting. Not sure why it happens. But I really want to focus more on the present and let go of all the past and all which will be. I want to be at peace with who I am, where I am and what I am – right now. And that is why I am reading this book. Apparently it is “changing lives all over the country” according to Oprah. So, we shall see…
You know how they say everyone has at least one of “those who got away”. A past guy or gal friend who slipped through their fingers only to be thought upon with sadness and regret later in life. Do you ever wonder if you are one of those to someone in your past? I do. Is that silly? I have to honestly say that even though I have been dumped countless times in my life – I still do not believe even one of them think of me in that way. And that isn’t being down on myself, its just knowing them and knowing how their minds work. It is also knowing how I was back then. I was thinner, younger, prettier…but I was also demanding, jealous, possessive and insecure. Not too attractive of a memory I imagine. Especially during my Jack Daniels days. Yuck.
I also have these moments where I sense a smell or a see a tree or hear a sound which reminds me of a time I can barely remember from my childhood. I do not actually recall a significant situation, but really a snapshot or a feeling. Like when it is warm and sunny and the birds are chirping and that weird buzzing noise in the sky is humming through the breeze…it gives me this feeling of soft grass and youth and carefree summers. Not that my childhood was carefree or without its difficulties, but I was able, at that age, to be in the present. All I knew was ‘at this moment, it is warm and cozy and there is no school.’ I was able to just BE in the now. So, if I could do it at that age…I should be able to do it at this age. I am really going to make that effort. That way, instead of getting depressed that I am no longer lying in that grass having my whole life to look forward to – I can find the peace and joy in the place I am today, this very minute.
“That’s just the fear talking
That’s just the fear talking
That’s just the fear…
Don’t let it take you
Like it nearly took me, fear
Don’t let it fool you
Like it nearly fooled me, fear
Don’t kill you
Like it nearly killed me, fear”
~ Gomez "Hamoa Beach"
Soooo…I made the top 20 on the Philosophy contest. Which is great and thank you so very very much to all of you who voted for me. But I have to ask you just one more favor. Today, and today only, there is one more vote to choose the top of the 20 entries. Each person gets to vote once for their favorite story. If you have the time today – by 11pm – can you please visit the link below and vote just one last time? I would be eternally grateful!!!!!
Thank you so much. Love ya and have a great Sunday!
Okay so, this has been a weird past few days for me. Nothing eventful took place; in fact I have hardly left the house. But I am going through this mental/emotional debacle which is kind of hard to explain. But I will attempt to do so anyway. Confusion, frustration and boredom may come from reading this blog – just so you were warned.
On Friday I was going through an event calendar on the Milwaukee Journal site. As I was flipping through the various plays in the area, an ex boyfriend popped into my mind.
His name is Patrick. He was (well, still is) an actor. He lived in Milwaukee at the time and we dated for a couple of months shortly before I met my husband. We met on one of those internet dating sites (how lame is THAT??!!) and I actually liked him quite a bit. I cannot remember exactly why, but he was busy all of the time. I think he worked for several theatre groups doing lighting, sound and set design stuff in addition to his acting. Regardless, he was busy a lot and our time was always very limited. I do not think he was ever really “in” to us much. I remember the last day I saw him. We went out to my parents’ house as did my brother and sister in law. I think we had lunch out there or something. He had to go back to Milwaukee after so I rode home with my brother. As he was behind us and about to turn, I waved and something inside me knew that was the last time I would see him. It was strange and sad.
Sure enough, not long after – a couple days maybe – we talked on the phone and he broke it off. Said he was so busy and wasn’t ready for a commitment and all of those things guys say when they are ‘just not into you’. I was upset for a while. Getting dumped sucks, as we all know. And the way I was back then – it really stung. I was single for a long time. I broke up with my long term boyfriend when I was 23. And I got married when I was 30. So that is a good 7 years of first dates. And I say first dates because that is primarily all I had. I was SO picky. I was just too lazy to try to make something out of little or nothing. If I didn’t feel that spark – you know that spark…they talk about it in the movies usually when the James Blunt music begins to play – I would usually call it off immediately after the first date. So, when I did let a relationship develop, that meant I was genuinely “into” the dude. You see, where relationships were concerned, my intuition was fantastic but ONLY when it came to my own feelings. This highly sensitive intuition of mine sucked ASS when it came to finding guys who wanted me when I wanted them. But yea, I could tell in the first hour whether or not I wanted a relationship with the guy. If not, no second date (usually – I did make some exceptions). If yea, then I would usually fall hard and quick. And I don’t think I was very good at hiding it which is probably why all the guys I really liked went running as though they were being chased by some frothy mouthed killer rabbit. RUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!! Ugh. Gross. I am STILL embarrassed.
So okay…where was I? Okay okay. So, I was pretty upset for a while, but of course I got over it and lived to tell the tale. LOL. A few months later I met my husband. About a month after being with him, Patrick emailed me. He said he wanted to go out again – to give it another try…or something to that degree. Like I had said before, I really did like the guy. But I was very protective of myself and had that whole ‘once bitten’ thing going on. Plus, I was with this new guy who clearly liked me a lot and I had no questions about him being “into me”. That choice felt much safer. So I explained that to Patrick. He was put off and in a mean kind of way told me to forget all about him and have a nice life. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since.
That was about 7 years ago.
So, on Friday when he popped into my head, I decided to Google him. I ended up on his MySpace page and my jaw dropped. He now lives in Hollywood and is becoming successful in his life long dream. He even has an IMDB (like my favorite site ever) page. I was tempted to post his page, but I didn’t know if that would be uncool. He looks fantastic and is obviously doing very well. So, this brought up a potpourri of emotions within me. Some less fragrant than desired. Not only did I have feelings of missing him – things about him, like his humor, our commonalities, his wit – but also I had all these “what ifs” floating around my mind. What if I had gotten back together with him? Would it have worked out? Would we both be in California right now living our dreams? Perhaps not. Maybe I would have dragged him down. Maybe he would have cheated on me. Maybe he would have brought me out there only to dump my ass and leave me all alone under a palm tree. What ifs are stupid. I know that. Complete waste of time. But that is me sometimes – Queen of Wasted Times.
My tangled up blues are not only due to him specifically, but also to my own personal disappointments. Many moons ago, I had dreams and passions and life wishes. I have not followed up on any of them. Acting, writing, my documentary ideas, law school, Hawaii….none of them have I pursued. I feel so stale and old and wasteful. I do have a family which I love. A daughter who is the world to me. A husband who would never do anything to hurt me (intentionally lol). A comfortable home. Nice car. Cable. Good food. My darling kitty cats. So, I really shouldn’t be complaining should I?? In fact, I feel like a complete ass for doing so. So, throw your tomatoes. I understand. But I feel how I feel.
So, why not get off your fat ass and do something about it Heather? Ugh. DUH. I KNOW!! But I feel stuck. I mean, what can I REALLY do now? Let’s be realistic here. I am married with a 3 year old child and an 8 year old step daughter. I do not even have my BA yet (about 4 full time semesters to go). And I am so olddddddddddddddddd. What are my options really? What can I REALLY accomplish at this point?
Okay, yes, I am being a total asshole. Just let me have my whiney mud pit moment would ya??!!
I doubt the guy even remembers me.
(Sorry – had to get one more negative whine in there.)
So I have actually come to a decision…at least for the meantime…in regards to blogging here and elsewhere. And here is the dealio…
- I will be majorly limiting my time on The Journal Times site (local newspaper site I spoke about previously). I have removed all pictures and will no longer be sharing personal information on that site. I also took down the link to my personal site, which was on my profile there. And I deleted all of my past posts.
- Since TJT is really the only place I do blog other than my personal page, I don’t really have any other places to worry about.
- I will continue to blog here on MSN Spaces as I have always done. In this day and age there are a bagillion and one websites out there (not even considering places like MySpace, Facebook, etc…) with a ton of pictures and personal stories. I really feel that it isn’t anymore dangerous than going to the park, letting the kids play outside, writing a letter to the editor or sending in a picture for the Sunday Family Section of the newspaper. The reason I made this decision was partly due to the fact that with MSN Spaces, there are only 3 options as far as the privacy of your site. These are the ONLY options – which really suck.
- Only the author of the blog has access. What the heck is the point of that?
- Everyone in the world has access. This is how I have always had it.
- Those on your “Friends/Family” list who have MSN Live IDs can have access. Now, there is no way my people are going to all sign up for MSN Live and log in each time just to view my space. Si, this isn’t a good option for me.
So, this is how it is. I am sure there are still many out there who disagree with my choices. But I will do this for the meantime and see how it goes. In all reality, the only place I have really had issues from was TJT or people from there. So, I think becoming a transient stranger on there will be most helpful in any worries I have had.
Charlie and I are planning an upcoming trip in the next few months. Just a short getaway. I initially made hotel reservations directly through the hotel. And for the hell of it I decided to check out www.hotwire.com. I took a chance and booked a room that was $100 bucks a night cheaper than what we were going to be paying. I seriously lucked out and got the same exact hotel!! So I am patting myself on the back for saving us 200 smackaroos!!
I highly recommend trying out that site when you can!! How awesome is THAT??!!
I got some kind of bug up my ass this past weekend and while we were at the mall, I decided to get a couple more holes in my right ear. I did have 2 piercings on the upper part and 3 on the lower lobe. I decided to add 2 more to make it line all the way up my ear. I like it. It does hurt more (not when I got them pierced, but now) than I remember, but only it if I touch it or lay on that side. I felt kinda silly in that Claire’s chair in front of the store for all to see – just like I did decades ago as a kid.
Next on list – second tattoo…
I am looking forward to watching a new rental I got from Blockbuster. Wristcutters: A Love Story is an indie flick which caught my attention a while back after my husband mentioned it to me when he saw a trailer. It never came to a theatre around here, so I am glad it came out on DVD quickly. I guess it is basically about this sort of purgatory way station for people who kill themselves. I just think it sounded pretty interesting. I hope they did well with such a fascinating premise. It stars Patrick Fugit from Almost Famous, Tom Waits who is just too cool regardless and Will Arnett from Arrested Development (one of my all time favorite, though short lived shows).
Anyway, I will probably have to wait until this weekend to watch, but I am hoping it is a good one!!
Speaking of Arrested Development…I recently found on IMDB that there MAY be an Arrested Development movie in the works. I worry a movie will not do the show justice. But I will be SOOOO excited to see it!! There really have been very few television shows which have made me laugh as much. There were times I almost peed. So smart, twisted and wicked. I just loved AD.
My kitty, Bob, is doing pretty well. We are continuing with his kidney food and he gets Pepcid every morning. Apparently Feline Kidney Insufficiency causes a lot of acid in the tummy and it makes them not want to eat as much. But he takes the medicine nicely (hidden in a treat of course) and he eats just fine. He will not, however, eat ONLY the kidney food. It has to be mixed (about 50/50) with his Tuna Fancy Feast. The kidney food must taste like shit (or whatever would be palatabty offensive to a cat – since they DO like their asses) because he will not even TRY to eat it alone. I only wish he would gain some weight. He looks SO skinny. This is my big guy who everyone would tell me how fat he was. He was about 15 lbs and is now close to 10. He looks so odd. But his spirits are up as always and he acts just fine. Regular ole Bob – only a wee bit more spoiled these days.
Well, I guess that is it for now. I better be productive and get some things done around this house!!
Talk at ya soon.
I have had this inner struggle several times a year since starting my webpage in 2005. It is a struggle I cannot seem to win completely on either side of the argument. I have my little Heather on my left shoulder telling me that to live in fear is futile and against what I strive for. And I have another little Heather on my right saying that what some people tell me is true – I am being irresponsible and reckless with what and how much I reveal online. Right now, the two Heather’s are fighting and it is truly a pain in the neck.
I primarily write and/or blog for my personal website (on MSN Spaces). But I also share some of these blogs on my local newspaper’s website which has a blogging forum. I have been a member there for a couple years and have gotten to know some of the fellow members over this time. As you can imagine, my personality follows me to whatever site at which my fingers start typing away. So, basically I am pretty much as open there as I am on my personal site. And even when I am not, it doesn’t really matter as I have a link to the MSN site anyway.
In the past couple years I have heard many comments from friends, family and fellow bloggers about the content that I share with the all too scary and unpredictable world. I have even been told that I am a bad mother because I post pictures of my children. People also tell me that I lay out too much personal information about myself. And that I make myself a target by sharing that information along with my pictures.
In my defense of these apparently ridiculous actions, I have explained that I do not feel that it is any different from being an Op-Ed writer. Their names are published and addresses can easily be found. Do they take home hazard pay? Or when it comes to picture of the kids, how is this different from bringing them in public where people can see them up close and in person? Or letting them play outside (for older kids obviously)? Or putting their pictures in the Parenting Magazine contests?
Also, the personal information I write about – I do so for, what I think are, very valid reasons. And I have discussed this before, so forgive my repetition. I have heard from numerous people how reading my stories and blogs have helped them realize they are not alone…whether it be in the realm of anxiety or tachycardia or being a stepmother. I have received countless emails from others sharing their similar stories, giving thanks for sharing mine and even just a shout out to a person with shared issues. I love that. When I first was diagnosed with my heart issue, I found it unspeakably comforting to hear from and about others who had the same feelings and symptoms. It helped me realize I wasn’t dying (yet anyway) and that I certainly was not the only heart skipping person out there. Being able to do that for someone else is very meaningful to me.
I also divulge what I do for purely selfish reasons. I find it to be extremely cathartic and calming. I do not always have someone to talk to in person or even on the phone. And so I do what I have done for most of my life – I write. Only I am not writing to a particular person – usually – I am writing to the universe in a strange way. Does that make any sense? And because I am not really ashamed of my life, I share more than most people probably would. I am not embarrassed that I have anxiety. I am not feeling guilty because I have smoked pot in my past. I try to live as authentically as possible and believe me, it is not news to me that authenticy makes some people very uncomfortable. But those people don’t have to read it. Someone once compared my writing to one of those offbeat cashiers at the grocery store who starts telling you – a complete stranger – about her failing marriage. I am sure we have all experienced those types in our lives. But it is not the same. I am not trapping a person face to face and making them listen to my ramblings. A person has a choice whether or not to read them.
I like to display my pictures because I also love photography. I love to take pictures, look at pictures, edit pictures and share pictures. I am proud of my family and I want to show them off. Just like in the segment of the newspaper on Sundays where people send in photos of their grandchildren – full names printed and all. Just like the people who post pictures of their kids and boyfriends and drinking parties on Myspace. Are they being irresponsible and risky?
So I have this duality going on. I want to be smart and a good mom and certainly not more of a freak show than I already am. But I also want to have my space to share and write and babble and joke around. I want to say how I truly feel and show the latest cute picture of my kids being weirdoes. I do not like the thought of being anonymous like everyone else. When I speak (type) my words I want to be able to stand behind them and let the world know I am not ashamed of what I say. It holds me accountable and I like that.
So…what to do? Who is right? Which Heather should I flick off my shoulder?
Good day y’all. Hope you are all having a swell day – celebrating my birthday!! Everyone – have that piece of cake on me!!!
My birthdays are usually very uneventful since my family is small and most of my friends are “computer contact only” lol. But it has been a nice day so far. I woke up to the kids singing to me…well, Kenzie was singing and Cassidy was meowing because today she is a cat apparently. Charlie left me a card with a coupon in it saying I can buy whatever I want for myself. Of course, I am the one who does the bills and worries about the money…so its not like I can go nuts J But I will have to treat myself to something nice. Maybe some new shoes. I brought some yummy Kringle to work. My bosses, Jim and John, gave me a plant for my desk and sang Happy Birthday to me LMAO. That was very nice and unexpected!! And neato Cyndi put such a nice posting on the Journal Times Blog Site wishing me a Happy Bday. Lots of sweet well wishes on there. Thanks all!! Anyway, hopefully the rest of the day will go smoothly and pleasantly.
This weekend is definitely going to be “fat ass weekend”. Saturday night we are going to the Corner House with my parents for dinner. Prime rib and lobster – hell yea!! Sunday I am going out to lunch with some blogger friends I have never met…so I will probably do that nervous eating thing. Not to mention the Danish Layer cake that will most certainly somehow show up in the house within the next few days!! On Monday I will be starting a rigorous exercise and diet plan. No, really…I will. Shit…you don’t believe me?? Well hell. You’ll be sorry once you see me looking like Angelina. Pppthttthth. Yea sure. More like Bea Arthur with a beer belly. (Sorry, Bea).
This blogger’s lunch thing has me a little nervous. A bunch of us local blogger gals will be meeting. Some of them have met before…but not me. These things make me anxious big time. New people, new things, leaving the house on my lazy Sunday…man. I am so screwed up, aren’t I?? No need to answer that. Besides, I heard you anyway.
I share my birthday with a friend of mine. His name is Jack and I want to give him a shout out – HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACK!! Have a glass of wine for me J
Have a great day everyone!! Talk at ya later!!!