Monthly Archives: March 2010

Wednesday March 31, 2010

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Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been something I had tried on my own years ago when I used to suffer from panic attacks. There was a book I used as my bible called The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by E. Bourne, PhD.  There were a few chapters I would skip over as they really did not pertain to my particular problem. However, for the parts I did find familiar – all too familiar – I would read over and over.  One of these sections was regarding Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

 

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts
            cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations,
            and events.  The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to 
            feel / act better even if the situation does not change.

 

 

While I had used certain CBT methods on my own during those times of panic, I never thought to use them in regards to my overall depression and unhappiness.  It only makes sense.  No one has a perfect life. Everyone is probably on some level of some spectrum of some “mental illness”.  But as we see all the time – thanks to Oprah lol – people with far more challenging problems not only cope, but flourish. It has to be a matter of perception and reaction.  And clearly, I have not been using either of these in a productive way. 

 

My head is always full of worry, what ifs, shoulds and shouldn’ts. I also let things I have absolute no control over take over my emotions.  Going back to learning more CBT techniques, I am  hoping to start to gain a new outlook, wash my hands of my negative past experiences, stop measuring myself according to others and to try my best to enjoy my life – whatever life that happens to be at the moment. Lord knows I am far far far from being there. I am now just looking towards that path. I am not perfect…shit, not even close. So I know I will not be able to jump into this and just completely change everything my mind has been conditioned to do for the last 36 years. In fact, I worry it is unchangeable. Yes, I said worry.

 

Between this and the NAC (which arrived today), I really hope to get out of this horrible rut in which I have been up to my neck stuck.  Unfortunately neither of these treatments is fast acting. It will be weeks before any difference would be noticed. Soooo…we shall see.

 

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Charlie returns home tomorrow. Thank Jebus!! This kid needs someone else to harass for a while J Plus. I guess I do miss him and all that. And I HATE taking out the garbage!! He took off for Friday and the girls have off school, so hopefully a quiet family day will be in store. Saturday we are going out to my parent’s to celebrate (which basically just means eating Danish Layer cake) my, Charlie’s and Bess’s birthdays. His was March 24th, Bess’ is April 13th and mine is actually on Saturday. Ugh…so old!!! 4 years away from 40. FORTY!!! wtf. We are also going to throw in some ham sandwiches to pretend we are celebrating Easter as well. Sunday I will hide some eggs and baskets for the kids and aside from that NOTHING!!!

 

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Well, according to the scale I have lost about 7lbs since Feb. 20th (when I went off the Cymbalta). This past week I have upped the exercise and to be honest, eating very little. I know I won’t be able to keep this up forever. But the weight is just so hard to come off!! My pant size is smaller, I can see a difference in the mirror, but the scale is just not wanting to budge much at all. I absolutely refuse to go another summer feeling too fat to be seen at the beach – or anywhere for that matter. My self esteem has completely bottomed out. I cannot stand looking this way. Aging is bad enough, but to deal with all the extra weight on top of it…screw that!! I just don’t know why it seems so much easier for some people. However…now this may be TMI for some…but the other day I was about to get in the shower and I stood straight up and looked down and I could actually SEE my vajayjay!! Holy cow…maybe I can start grooming myself again!! Lol. Sorry. Guess you had to be there. Or…maybe not.

 

I am absolutely exhausted. I gotta get this kid ready for bed and head to the sack myself. I have a house to clean tomorrow and BBQ to make. So, I think I will get her booty to bed, watch the latest Damages episode…or maybe Modern Family and then lights outtie.

 

P.S. An old boyfriend had his second child today. The first one..my tummy hurt and I just felt kind of nostalgically sad. And I gotta say…same with this one. But the lil girl was born a wee bit early I believe and is a tiny thing from what I have heard from his sister, who is a friend of mine. So, that weird tummy feeling was subsided by concern for my "old love" (isn’t that gross) and his child.  I know how worried he probably is. But I guess all are healthy and happy…so, honestly, the very best to him and his family.

Monday March 29, 2010

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Hey all. So, obviously the last couple weeks have been kinda weird and icky and I have since made some changes to my website. I had also deactivated my account on Facebook for about a week – meant to stay off much longer than that, but I gave in and reactivated my account. All my friends were deleted tho. So, if you are wondering why you may no longer be on my FB friends list, that is why.

 

I did have some notes on my profile while my site was inaccessible. In case you did not see them, I will post them here in attempts to avoid repeating myself.

 

 

March 23, 2010

Dear Readers,

Since starting my blog in 2005, I have attempted to be completely honest and open. I did have some moments of “editing” when it came to the business of certain others. But not much.

I was not only open in regards to the content but also with the fact that the blog existed. All of these years, anyone who knows me or has received an email from me (the link is in my Outlook signature) knows about the site and has had open access to it.

It has come to my attention that some of the things I share about others may not be in my best interest as far as healing goes. I started writing about certain conflicts in order to have a venue to speak my truth about allegations made against me. I felt justified in doing this with no holds barred simply because of CCAP and the article that was in the Journal Times. Both of these things tell the public – anyone who wants to look – of what I was accused. Felony Child Abuse. Is there anything more Heinous to have under your name? I felt my only option was to create a forum where I could tell the whole story…the truth. That information on CCAP will likely negatively affect my life forever. I thought my blog was my only saving grace.

However, it has been 5 years and it is time for me to let go as much as I can. However I can. While I cannot say I fully regret sharing anything I have shared, I can say that it is time to give it up to the universe. People will make their judgments one way or another. I am not responsible for that. And I feel that now, especially after recent happenings within myself and in regards to others, that it is no longer healthy for me to have this bitter, vengeful image of myself shown to the world. While I may not feel that is or was my intention, it could honestly be part of it and either way, that is how it may seem to others.

I fully understand that I will never be able to mold into what people seem to expect or want. I am who I am. But for me, I have decided to make my blog private with only a handful of allowed readers. I will still be able to write. And unfortunately there is no way to show some blogs and hide others. So it had to be an all or nothing decision.

I feel sad about this…as weird as that may seem. This site has provided a release for me that I never felt I have had verbally. It has allowed me to meet some cool people. It has been a cool hobby. So, it will be hard to make these changes.

Anyway, I will certainly accept those who request, but otherwise the pictures and other silly stuff should still be viewable to all.

Thanks for reading guys and gals. It’s been swell.

Always~
Heather Rayne

 

 

March 23, 2010

Hey guys…I am thinking that within the next few weeks I can take the time to go thru and get rid of the blogs which need not be on here any longer. It will be hard to pick and choose though, since it is all a journal of what I have been living – good and bad – for the past 5 years. So, I gotta think about this. If and when I do that, I will once again make my Space public.

I also wanted to thank you guys. Many of you have been SO supportive over the years with comments, notes and emails. Know that every word has been appreciated.

A couple weeks ago I wrote about "my two visitors". A friend brought to my attention that perhaps someone was coming to my site to listen to my playlist since many companies firewall most music sites. If that is the case, that rocks and thank you for enjoying my tunes. I also want to say sorry to the Modine person. It was stupid for me to say the name of the Company. I would never want to get anyone in trouble and I do hope that is not what you stopped visiting. Please feel free to check back soon and my playlist will still be there 🙂

Ummm…I think that is it for now. Take care!!

 

 

March 25, 2010

So, I deleted any blogs that I thought may have delved too deeply into other’s people’s personal business. If anyone sees something they may think I missed, please do let me know. I am now changing my Space back to public.

 

 

So, that’s pretty much it in a nutshell. As you may know, I have written about being a step mom and the trials that come with that. I felt it was impossible not to write about it since it is such a big part in my life.  And yes, I did share personal information about my step daughter’s mother.  Everything I shared I felt needed to be shared in order to tell my whole story.  And I felt I needed to share the whole story mainly because of the public website which shows my legal history – something anyone can see. Something employers use as a free way of completing background checks. Something that will be there FOREVER. So, yes, I felt I was justified. I will also say in all honesty that she always knew about the site and what was on it. It has been 5 years and we have exchanged many emails with the link right in my signature. I never hid anything and I really thought she had seen it all long ago. Apparently now she thinks that my site has been revolving around her for 5 years and is appalled that I told people the truth. Of my own doing, my own idea, I took down the blogs which shared about her personal life. That includes my side of the whole child abuse accusation. I did it to be fair. But I am not feeling so fair these days. Because of that, I will be making an attempt to not discuss anything about that part of my life. And yes, I do hate that.

 

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Last week I finally saw my Dr. by that time the Cymbalta withdrawal was pretty much over. I think I had explained how when I called my Dr. during the withdrawal – which was hellish – I was told that there was no way I was still experiencing withdrawal. I was very angry because I knew for a fact that was exactly what I was going thru. Well, when I sat down, he apologized 3 times because he apparently was looking at the wrong date when I called. HE thought I had come off the Cymbalta in 2009!! He thought that I thought I was still withdrawing from back then!! He went on to tell me that I was indeed having withdrawal and it was very typical as far as the symptoms, timing and duration. Unreal. But I was just relieved that I was finally validated.

 

Before going to the appointment I did a lot of research online. I knew that the next med the doc wanted to try was Lamictal. It is suppose to be a good medicine with very few side effects. However, there is one side effect that isn’t really so rare that can become fatal within days. It is called Stevens Johnson Syndrome. With having a history of health anxiety, I knew this would not go over well with me AT ALL. So, while doing some research I have found that there was a clinical study which found a supplement called N-acetyl Cysteine which has been found to be even more successful that Lamictal. Here are a couple links about it:

 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18534556

 

 

http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/meds/n-acetylcysteine.htm

 

 

http://www.finkshrink.com/blog/treatment/treating-bipolar-depression-with-n-acetyl-cysteine.html

 

 

So, I printed out one of the pages and gave it to my doctor. He proceeded to look it up on the sites he uses and seemed very surprised and pleased. He was almost astonished at the results of the trial. He proceeded to look it up on Puritan’s Pride and found that it is extremely cheap!! Also, it is natural and no found side effects. So clearly, this is the way we decided to go. I ordered the supplements and waiting for their arrival. I am really hopeful.

 

That’s all the time I have for now…but I will be writing more later today or tomorrow.

 

Bye guys J

Monday March 22, 2010

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Surprisingly, I feel okay today. Much better than last week. Physically and emotionally. I feel a little anxious and lost…with a lot more time on my hands. It will be an interesting two weeks. More difficult when it comes to some things and much easier when it comes to others. I will miss Charlie and Kenzie and it will be very weird to have them gone. First I cried when Kenzie left (for which my sweet lil daughter made fun of me for…gesh) and then I cried when Charlie left. I really hope that will be the last of the tears for quite some time. Quite frankly, I am sick of them.

 

I guess everything is all up in the air as far as this Chicago thing. They went down there thinking it would be a bunch of overtime and lots of extra cash (which we really do need right now), so we thought it would at least KINDA be worth it. But now it looks like they (management) are dickin’ them around with that. SO who knows. Maybe he will be back for the weekend or even earlier than expected.

 

It is going to be very strange when I pick Cassidy up from the bus stop during this time. Because Charlie’s ex freaked out and said she didn’t want my step daughter here with me while he is gone, she will be getting picked up by who knows who at the same stop everyday. But at least I will get to see her for a second and Cassidy still gets to ride home with her. I know Cassidy is going to start missing them both VERY soon and I will never hear the end of it.

 

I will likely write more soon. I have to use her school time to exercise and anything else that’s hard to get done when she is home. Sigh. You know, they say once you start exercising you “start to get addicted” or “start to love it”…bullshit. I still hate it. Ppplllttthhh. Liars. But I will continue. I am now wearing a size 10 jean..which I havent since before baby. They gotta be low rise, of course…still working on that belly. Why is it that the first weight to go is always in my legs and ass where I barely had any meat to begin with??? Now THAT is aggrivating.

Sunday March 21, 2010

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Charlie’s Illinois tour will be coming up soon. I will miss him so very much. We have never been apart that long. He’s not even gone yet and I feel constant churning in my tummy. I hope it goes by quickly.

 

We were talking about moving possibilities and he just said to keep an eye out for jobs with Quest Communications. I guess they are the phone company in Arizona. I guess it is something to keep in the back of our minds. I don’t think I could have ever taken Cass away from her dad. I don’t want her growing up the way Kenzie has. I mean, obviously, it would be different…but still even to be separated like that…that wouldn’t be good. I complain about my husband like any other wife…but I could never say he is a bad dad. And I would know!! Both of these girls are very lucky to have a father who loves them so much. Not all kids get to have that.

 

The withdrawal is getting better by the day now. I notice it less and less. When the emotions hit, it isn’t as severe or as long in duration. Thank God. I never thought it would get better. I am still VERY upset that my doctor refuses to believe that withdrawal is what was happening. If you were to Google “Cymbalta Withdrawal” – you would find story after story exactly like mine. How dare that – physicians and pharmaceutical companies – tell us how WE feel??

 

Anyway, that’s all I have for today. Sick of the puter these days.

Thursday March 18, 2010

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I was just looking at Realtor.com at homes for sale in the Phoenix area. I cannot believe how much cheaper the homes are there!!!!!!!!! And nice ones!!!
 
I am currently searching thru the jobs in that area.
 
I think I should start one of those online begging campaigns asking for donations to send me and my daughter to Arizona and out of this mess. Think those things actually work??LOL
 
I told my mom that I wanted to live my life for me for once. To take charge and make a big step for ME. She said I was being ridiculous, that she didn’t know how to talk to me anymore. I said maybe we need some space then. And she said I guess we do and she hung up. Her coldness is something I just don’t understand.
 
I have nothing holding me here anymore. I have nothing here for me. I want to take my baby and start all over. I have to.
 
I am going to start searching for jobs and hopefully Charlie will want to come with me. Otherwise, well…

Tuesday March 16, 2010 Part 2

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Today I wrote a blog that I decided to eventually take down. I have had some anger inside that seems to have boiled over and I said some things that were probably best left out of the public arena.  Even during this difficult time, not having complete control over my emotions, I still try to be honest and authentic. So while I did not say anything that was untrue, I still should have left some of it unsaid.

 

The ex started a big fight with very strong language in front of both our kids today. I was in another room and did not even know she was here. Kenzie was crying, Charlie told me later. I knew at that point that nothing will ever change in that department and I either have to figure out a way to live with it or figure a way out. But I cannot participate in this hateful behavior. She brings out the very worst in me and I cannot have the kids witnessing that – from anyone.

 

I think it all boiled down to the fact that my feelings were really hurt. I thought we had moved past this and I thought since I have had her back so many times, she would also have mine. I realize now, with the help of my mom and husband, that I cannot get sucked in over and over like this. I cannot let myself be fooled.

 

She said she will not allow my stepdaughter to be here while Charlie is gone. Whatever. I really don’t know how she is going to handle it though. And why is it ok for her to be with me any other time?? None of it makes sense.

 

Regardless, while Charlie is gone I will have time to do some thinking, hopefully be done with this nasty withdrawal and spend some good quality time with my darling.

 

For a little while I am going to try to stay off the computer as much as I can. I am even thinking about shutting down my Facebook account.  My mom thinks I share way too much and it causes people not to respect me or take me seriously. It is very hard to try to live authentically in a very unauthentic world.

 

I might write tomorrow. Maybe not for a month. Who knows. Talk to ya when I talk to ya.

Monday March 15, 2010

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Beware the Ides of March. I think I will stay in the house today…just in case.

 

Today marks Day 22 off the Cymbalta. I think the withdrawal is finally subsiding. The past couple weeks have been hell. Very deep depression and immense anger. I lived through some pretty horrible thoughts. I really hope it is almost all over. It’s been a really REALLY hard time.  And what’s funny (not funny Ha Ha) is that really only one or two people have checked in and expressed concern and caring. People I really don’t even know that well to be honest…good people though. I was just kinda put off by the fact that not a single family member or close friend bothered to call or even ask how I was doing. It has been no secret what a hard time I have been having. And I do realize that no one really knew the extent of the deep deep depression I have been in. But still. It doesn’t make it easy for a person to reach out in the time of need. In fact, even when I did…I was still kinda brushed off and ignored. Poor Heather…pity party, right?? I know. It is unbecoming. But sometimes a person might really NEED someone to just check in or let them know they are cared for. Luckily I am used to dealing with much worse by myself. But if someone is really crying out, suicidal tendencies are a possibility…so hopefully in a case like that, people will show some compassion to that individual. And while this was not my case…I can say that reaching out on a personal level will likely not be something I will feel comfortable with in the future. The last thing a super depressed person needs is to feel rejected or as if they are a burden. So that whole thing about “reach out” “talk to someone” blah blah blah…its bullshit. People are way too busy and focused on their own problems. Instead of teaching people they HAVE to have a support system and need the help of others…people should be taught to deal with their demons and feelings within themselves…not having to depend on others. Because when that doesn’t happen, it just pushes a person down further. You can really only depend on yourself. Just my take.

 

Okay, enough of that for now.

 

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Last night I watched last week’s episode of The Marriage Ref. I love that show. Last nights panel was especially hilarious. Larry David, Ricky Gervais (two of my absolute favorites) and Madonna. Madonna was SO much more normal and funny than I ever imagined her. She is kinda cool. Larry David…I wish I could just hang out with him and argue and bitch all day. Might be a strange dream…but its mine lol. Anyway, that show is awesome and I hope it sticks around.

 

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Two other shows I have started watching since getting 3 months of free Showtime and HBO…Nurse Jackie and US of Tara. I am in love with both of these shows. Just SOOOO good. Funny, smart, wonderful acting and outrageously fantastic writing. I just love love love them.

 

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Well, I have not weighed myself yet…since stopping the Cymbalta. But I can say that none of my pants fit anymore. I will wait one more week to get on the scale…but I am thinking MAYBE 5 pounds?? I have also been exercising WAY more and eating WAY less. I seem to have more endurance and fewer cravings for some reason. God, I hope it lasts….I dream about being in a swim suit without having to feel so ashamed. I love those dreams. I HAVE to make them come true. I did decide that as a reward…if I lose 20lbs I will get another tattoo. Upper side shoulder (on the round bendy part)…but not sure what yet.  So, we shall see. 

 

Being less ashamed of my body will help me so much. I do not go anywhere I think ppl I know will be…people that knew me before I was fat I mean. No bars, parties…nothing like that. And when I do run in to someone (like 2 weeks ago at a restaurant) I feel embarrassed for days about it. I think about how that person must be thinking, “DAMN, she got big!” Ugh. It kills me. No. This fat HAS to go. Period.

 

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Oh crap. I was going to write much more, but kids just got up and they need to get ready. I didn’t realize it was already 8am!! Anyway, I will write more when they go to school. See ya.

More Bitching About the Joys (not) of Step Parenting

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There must be something about beating my head against the same wall over and over that is addicting to me for some fucked up reason.  I keep dealing with these issues that have been woven thru the past 8+ years of my life.  Yet, nothing changes. No one changes. I simply remain. Only I am getting more and more resentful and bitter as the days go on. And worst of all, I am losing love. With each tear I am losing more love every day and I hate it.

 

Even after everything that happened when I was accused of abusing my step daughter…I continued down the same path thinking things would change some how or be different. And I am just as much to blame as anyone. I have gone with the flow, tried to keep the peace 90% of the time. And what’s stupider is I have continued being the “bad guy” and have allowed her mother to continue being fun, party time mom pal. I make sure her homework is done. I make sure she is dressed warm enough. I make sure she gets to the bus on time. I make sure she showers, eats healthy meals, gets enough sleep, does her chores, brushes her teeth and a bagillion other things I do on a daily basis simply because SOMEone has to. Charlie is working and her mom has her head in the clouds.

 

Until last week, my step daughter had been sleeping with her mother (when she is with her) in her mother’s bed for the past TEN years. One excuse after another. She does not have bed time over there, lives on fast food and has no stability or responsibility whatsoever. If she doesn’t get her way, she throws a fit you would expect from a 3 year old on crack. I am not joking…weird ass shit. Stuff we cannot even imagine her doing because it would never EVER happen here. She knows better. But it is obviously workin’ for her there. And what is THAT teaching her? Her mother lies to our faces with her daughter standing RIGHT there.

 

Publicly bashing my step daughter’s mother?? How dare I??? Guess what, I don’t care anymore. Being in this position of step mother has led me to a place of sadness and worthlessness. And still no one seems to care. Everything I have been through with these people and they act like I just need to forget it ever happened. It changed my life. My future. It completely changed who I am. That pit in my stomach will never, ever go away. So it is a little hard to keep taking the high road.

 

You know, on the day my daughter was born – after 26+ hours of hard ass horrible labor, immense loss of blood and super low blood pressure – I was not feeling so well. Not an hour after being in my recovery room is when my husband’s cell phone rang. It was his ex. She decided to start a fight because he couldn’t pick his daughter up that day. He ‘was being selfish and already forgetting about his other child’. My kid was on earth for 2 FUCKING HOURS!! About a week later she apologized claiming she was ‘stressed out’. Awww. This is merely one teeny example of the complete lack of condsideration causing problem after problem in my life.

 

So while most people know the worst of what I have been thru during my time as a step parent, they have no idea the smaller shit that has been pushing me higher and higher up that mountain. And I feel like everyone is just watching and waiting to see if I will jump off. Maybe I am too.