Monthly Archives: September 2010

Greg Giraldo Dead at 44

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Greg Giraldo in San Francisco

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I was so self centered today that I heard only now that we lost a very funny man yesterday. Greg Giraldo was always to be appreciated on the Comedy Central Roasts – every one of them I have loved. He also had countless stand up routines and was also a judge in this past season of Last Comic Standing.

He was not for everyone as his style was very insulting, raw and vulgar. But I loved it. He said a lot others would be afraid to say. He was a cocky bastard, at least on stage. And by the looks of it was dearly adored by his fellow comedians.

Giraldo, at 44, died of a prescription drug overdose. There is no need to mention I am sure how this cause of death has gotten to epidemic proportions. I really believe that people will have it in their head…this false sense of security…that because these are “medicines” because they are distributed by professionals instead of seedy characters on the street that they are somehow safer. So they take more and more thinking they are ultimately safe. I don’t know.

He was a stand up for a long time. Probably JUST gained the fame he was always seeking…I am pretty confident that this was his most popular year. And then he fucking ODs?? It makes me angry actually.

RIP Greg…we laughed at you as much as you laughed at others…

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My Confessional…Hate Me Yet?

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I am going to admit some things here which may make me look quite pathetic, spoiled, lazy and plain unlikeable. But I need to be as authentic as I claim to be. I hope I can word this understandably.

I have been through a lot of shit in my life. A lot of icky, weird, fucked up, depressing ass shit. For those who read often, you know me pretty well…even if we’ve never met. But there is no one who knows everything. And few who know most. I will not even try to compare my pains with those of others. I know people in my life who – in my eyes – have or have had it much, much worse. People who struggle with challenges I cannot conceive. And who succeed and flourish in spite of those problems. So while I am saying I know there are those who have it worse…that I fully realize it COULD be so much worse…I still have had a pretty shitty go of it.

I have hated 99% of the jobs I’ve had in my life. And I have done it all…well, all that can be done that is legal, clothed and without the need of a college degree. I was a cashier, server, bartender, customer service, patient services, surgery coordinator, office manager, HR assistant…restaurants, clothing, bars, hardware, banks, grocery, hospital, corporations…Lets just say I have a lot of various experience. And I took pride in my work regardless of what I did. I was always a quick learner and I did a good job. Still, almost always I dreaded work like it was the plague. I felt bored, depressed, unfulfilled as I sat at those desks, counted other people’s money, served people beer, answered complaining calls – there were only 2 jobs I actually liked. I felt busy, interested and worthwhile. But only twice.

Because of this and my strong desire to raise my own child…I really looked forward to being a stay at home mom. I even started early with my step daughter while I was pregnant (and a little before). I am so grateful that I was able to be home with Cassidy for those 6 years. I complained. I bitched. I was bored. I was stressed. My brain melted. But the positives SO outweighed the negatives. And I am so very appreciative that I could do that – even when it wasn’t easy emotionally or financially.

How am I tying this all together? Well, because I feel my life has been stupidly difficult, because I hate working mindless jobs, because I love being here for the kids and my home and family…I have kinda felt that being able to be home is my reward of some kind. Like, the only good thing aside from the people I love of course. I started working when I was 14. And I babysat for money for years before that. I felt that since I had to go through this and that and everything else…at least I don’t have to get up everyday to go to a job I absolutely hate. I watched my mother do it my entire childhood. On Sundays she would start to become visibly depressed because she had to go to a job she hated 40 hours a week. She despised it and I could see it very clearly.

Now I am pushing 40. My only child just entered kindergarten. And finances are not great. I am not stupid. I know it is expected of me to go back to work. I know that I need to do something. And when I try (I really do try) to get a job and get rejected…it makes it all the harder. It makes it easier to stay in bed and cry. I think to myself…okay, I would probably really hate being a cashier at the grocery store it could make me even more miserable. But I will apply anyway because people have to do things they don’t want to do every damn day…and why should I be different. So, I apply. Then I get rejection (after rejection, after rejection…). It pisses me off!!

So here I am. About to go out and apply to be a server at various restaurants in town. Something I haven’t done since my 20s. Something that scares the hell out of me. Something I don’t even know if I can physically handle anymore. Something I never wanted to have to do again. I keep trying to talk myself out of it. But I know deep down that I can’t. I see my daughter’s two bottom teeth growing in crooked…so she will likely need braces. I see my husband in love with his pride and joy – the boat…and I could never ask him to give that up. I see my step daughter getting older and I know she will be requiring a lot more. And I don’t want to buy the shitty apples at the store…I want Honeycrisps. We have this life now and I need to participate in helping it proceed.

But I cannot lie. I feel sick, depressed, panicky, pissed and stressed over it. Change is SO hard for me. I am not sure I can deal.

Hate me yet?

Business Idea…Your Thoughts???

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I had another business idea. Not that it matters….

A building…much like a tanning salon, there would be small rooms within. Each room would be sound proof, comfortable bedding and a very relaxing/spa like atmosphere. In that room the customer would take a timed nap. Upon waking they would be able to order the beverage of their choosing from an array of protein shakes, veggie smoothies, cappuccinos, etc. It would be located around business/industrial parks…office districts…the like.

Something like…

Fancy Cot…

Because we need you, they need you and most of all, YOU need you.

Studies show that a 30 minute nap in the middle of the day can lower your risk of cancers, heart disease, diabetes, (blah blah). Only an hour for lunch? Come to us for a short, life saving snooze and we will have your healthy beverage of choice waiting when you awake.

Fancy Cot…

Your nap away from home.

 

Be honest…is it really super stupid???

Hating My Life Right Now

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This post will be filled with whining and a lot of feeling sorry for myself. If you don’t like that…go away.

We never had a lot of money – a bunch in savings for a rainy day. But before all the attorney fees from 5 years ago, we had a decent cushion and could get by just fine on one income. Now, it just seems more and more difficult. We are using credit cards when we shouldn’t be. This makes me very stressed out.

I apply for jobs all of the time. I am always looking. I have not received one single call. This morning I was filling out an online application for a part time Pick N Save cashier. It took me like an hour. Then it gets to the part where I have to disclose my criminal history. In like 50 characters or less I was to explain my charges. Seriously??

Then I spend another half hour filling out an online application for Kohl’s. I get to the end, finish everything…and then it says – Sorry, your application information does not match our needs. Are you fucking serious???????????

I am getting turned down time and again for jobs I am WAY over qualified for. I cannot stand this anymore!!!!!!!

My mom is going to pay me $100 plus gas money to clean her house once a month. I used to do this for extra cash when I was a kid. Do you know how humiliating this is…and not even enough money to help anyway. I am just feeling so defeated and pissed off. Right now I am laying in bed and have been crying off and on all morning.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Sometimes I just sit here and fantasize about how different my life could have been had I done SOOOO many things differently. I could be an attorney right now. I could be in LA pursuing my dream of film. I could be a best selling author. But now, I feel I am absolutely and completely stuck in a life with no options. I am pushing 40 here. I have been out of the work force for over 7 years. What can I do?

P.S. I called TCF this morning (my bank) and they said that hardly anyone offers small business loans around here anymore…that it is nearly impossible. Also, because of foreclosures, our house has pretty much NO equity anymore. Just screwed all the way around.

Mean Moms…Have I Become One?

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angry_woman

Image by Floyd Brown via Flickr

Once in a while I come to the realization that I can be very hard on people. I expect a lot. As a result, I am also disappointed a lot. Clearly this is not a healthy, fair or a productive way to exist. And I cannot say it is really a conscious thing. I think I am so very hard on myself that I naturally just put that on others as well. Now, I am not saying I am some kind of heartless hard ass. That is far from the case. While I am much tougher than I once was…I am still a bleeding heart. I forgive extremely easily. I understand and empathize with the troubles of others and always take that into account when considering their behavior. And there pretty much isn’t anyone I wouldn’t help if I could.

It also depends on the topic at hand. When it comes to parenting, that is where I become most judgmental. If you have read my blog before, this will not be much of a surprise. I have strong beliefs when it comes to parenting, raising children and teaching them. Beliefs which are SO strong that I sometimes block out other perspectives and am very quick to condemn another for doing something I see as very wrong. This is one of the times when Bitch Heather comes out.

And while I do not like this part of myself, I still stand strong in my convictions. I will always believe that feeding your kid McDonald’s on a daily basis is WRONG. I will always believe that booty shorts and eyeliner will never belong on a 10 year old. I will always stand by the fact that I do not think parents should be friends with their kids instead of being parents. There are certain things of which I know I will not waver. And because I am an opinionated loud mouth…I voice my frustration and disappointment in others for doing what I consider to be “wrong, lazy or stupid”.

Yesterday I, without taking a moment to process and perceive, automatically became angry when I was told that my husband’s ex was allowing their daughter to dance to a song I deem as inappropriate for a child in the school talent show. Quickly, I huffed and puffed and penned about my anger. I assumed she knew the song and simply didn’t care as many other parents seem to do these days. My step daughter’s mom has many different views than I do and obviously we clash in our ideologies many times. I was so upset that it had gone that far off from where I so strongly stand.

And many of you may think I am merely the step mom and I have no real right or reason to complain as she is not MY child. Its up to the parents and that’s that. True, I have no rights. And I have tried to step WAY back in regards to my parenting her. But you also should consider that I HAVE been a parent – a very active parent – to her for almost 10 years now and since she was in diapers. Every “step” situation is different and ours seems quite a bit different than many.

Anyway, her mother told me that she was not aware of the song lyrics or the inappropriateness of it being preformed by children. She did take that time to look up the lyrics and agreed to speak with her daughter about changing her talent show plans. I apologized to her for assuming she knew and was simply making a lazy, bad choice. I knew I was wrong to do that.

I then remembered one time as a kid in the car with my mom. The song ‘Walk on the Wild Side‘ by Lou Reed came on the radio. She turned it up and exclaimed how she loved that song and told me to listen to it. Then it gets to the part: 

Candy came from out on the island,
In the backroom she was everybody’s darling,
But she never lost her head
Even when she was given head

My mom suddenly turned it down and gasped as she realized the lyrics. “Now that was stupid…I was wrong, don’t listen to the song.” And she had to laugh at herself.

My mom wasn’t a bad mom. She was young when I was born – only 20. She made her mistakes…some small, some large. But she did the best she could. The best she knew how. And I never considered her a bad mom because of that day in the car. So, why would I so quickly consider someone else ‘bad’ for something quite similar?

Being nasty to my husband’s ex has become admittedly and embarrassingly easy for me. My anger, resentment and bitterness have taken over the majority of my, what used to be, laid back personality. Yesterday she emailed me and apologized for things she has done to hurt me over time. She said she is working on things and hopes one day things can get better. Have I heard this from her before? Yes. A couple times a year it seems. But never before had we been in such a state of mutual hate. And though I am much more skeptical and weary…I know that SOMEthing has to change. This detest, this furious frustration, this constant battle needs to end. I cannot handle it and it is ruining who I want to become.

As my part of trying to heal this situation (not that it can ever completely be healed – who knows), I need to realize and remind myself constantly of the following:

1. Not everyone is going to agree with me…as right as I know I am 😉

2. I cannot control, fix or change others and I need to be okay with that.

3. Parents make mistakes. I make them everyday. I need to give people a break.

4. Not getting angry and lashing out doesn’t mean I am rolling over…it just means there are some things of which I need to let go.

5. Sometimes I can be kinder in my delivery.

As I say all the time, I am not perfect. And as I attempt to work on these things…I am sure I will fall back onto bad habits once in a while. But I do recognize that which needs to change on my end. As far as what other’s need to do…that is up to them to decide and there is NOTHING I can do about that.

Arrianna Huffington Offers Busing to Rally

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Arrianna Huffington of The Huffington Post announced on Jon Stewart’s The Daily Show the HuffPo will be offering free bus rides from NY to Washington for ANYONE (regardless of political preference) who needs a ride to Stewart’s Rally To Restore Reality which will take place on October 30, 2010. 

I am so jealous. I really wish I could go!!!! I keep racking my brain trying to figure out a way…I need to buy a lottery ticket… 

 
 
 
 
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Why Society is Screwed – Updated

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Single Ladies

****Please see update below****

My stepdaughter walked in the room and asked if she could print something. I asked what as she needed to leave for school in 2 minutes. She said she needed the lyrics to All the Single Ladies because her and 3 friends were doing it for the talent show. I laughed and told her there was no way – that it was not appropriate for a 10 year old, that the lyrics were very grown up and the dance is not ANYTHING a kid should be doing. I just assumed this was the first she was bringing it up as I cannot imagine a rational parent approving of this. But then of course she tells me that her mom encouraged her to do it.

Listen, I really want to change things on my side here. I want to make strides in my developing a healthy relationship with my step daughter and come to terms with and let go of all the resentment I have toward her mother. But I am finding it nearly impossible. I do not exaggerate when I say that there is a new issue every other day. Some kind of conflict or fight or stupid ass unilateral decision. It is constantly in my face. How can I move on when I have to sit and be witness to a woman destroying her daughter’s future?

I am learning in therapy that I do not need to forgive her or anyone else for things done to me. I understand that and it makes sense. But a part of me still wants to forgive and get to the point some day of getting along and parenting in a calm, civil manner. There are times when I just want to say, ‘Wipe the slate clean and lets start over’. But then the phone rings…or something like this happens. And then I get that angry tight feeling in the pit of my stomach yet again. I swear, this constant stress is killing me. I mean it. I feel physically sick right now.

I can’t get that You Tube video out of my head…the one that circulated a few months ago with the pre-teen kids dancing a routine to this same song. It is so horrifying for me to watch. It just epitomizes everything I stand against. I will add the video below.

I am not a prude or some Amish saint…if you know me, you sure know that. But this kind of shit is getting out of hand. Parents are letting their kids do anything they want. Parents are more concerned with being friends with their children than being responsible parents. Parents are allowing their children to dress like 20 year old strippers. Allowing make up and booty shorts. They are encouraging their children to grow up far too quickly and in the process it is sexualizing them at a dangerously young age. I cannot hold my tongue on this. I feel it is wrong, stupid and irresponsible. People need to WAKE UP and get their priorities straight – this is exactly what is wrong with society. It is not bad teachers, bad economy, bad government…it is BAD PARENTING!!

Anyway, here is the video I was talking about in case you have not seen it:

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**UPDATE**

My step daughter’s mom said she never knew what the lyrics meant and she looked them up today. She said she will talk to her daughter tonight. Obviously I don’t know if it is true, but it doesn’t matter. As long as she is going to do the right thing…it makes me happy that maybe she is coming around and will start making better decisions.

Also, I need to stop being so quick to assume. My step daughter told me it was one of her mom’s favorite songs…and it is very popular (she is more into popular music than I am) so I assumed she knew the song well enough to know the lyrics. I also assumed that everyone and their grandma saw the story I posted about above. When I first heard about that story, I got so angry and frustrated that these people would allow and support that dance to happen. And those were total strangers. When I see things like that in my face…in my own home…I get furious. It was wrong of me to just assume these things and allow them to get me upset and angry before I stepped back and looked at everything. Dr. Phil always says the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. But that doesn’t mean I should automatically react.

I really hope this means there will be more positive changes.

Stewart Fires Back at Colbert Critics

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Stephen Colbert reporting in front of a greens...

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I think I need to stop watching this show because it is such a raw telling of who (what) are really running the country…blach.

BUT I love him so. He is smart, rational, open minded, logical and HILARIOUS. Jon Stewart for President!!!

Okay, well…here is the clip…just love it!!! Last week, Stephen Colbert testified before Congress and it subsequently enraged the right pundit weirdos. This is Stewart’s response to their outrage:

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Advice for Moms – Both Bio AND Step

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Illustration depicting thought.

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I am not sure if I ever posted on my site, but I did on Facebook…another thing I found from long ago. I think it offers such an honest insight that birth moms AND step moms can take A LOT from it. I know in my situation, this rings very true – so close to home. I wish we all could remain in this mindset…including myself.  

 

I just read this post on a website and thought it was pretty amazing insight. So – I just thought I would pass it along…

I have been thinking a lot about how much power we as birth moms have. How our children watch us, admire us and emulate our every movement, how much they want our approval.

If I roll my eyes when I hear about something that their dad is doing, they remember this. If I only seem happy when they are complaining about their dad, they will do this complaining again and again.

If I ignore them when they say something nice about their dad and step mom, they will not tell me again for fear of hurting my feelings.

If I say loudly enough that something is stupid, or mean, or crazy, they will also begin to believe that these things are stupid or mean or crazy.

If I repeat enough times in front of my children, “If your dad really loved you” or “if your dad really cared about you,” they will feel he doesn’t care and that I am the only parent who gives a darn.

And if I don’t speak or say Hi or nod my head to their dad when he is at their school functions, they will begin to believe he is not worth the smallest of courtesy.

After I do all this and then my child doesn’t want to go on visitation, I could smile and say my hands are tied and it is not my fault, but the dad’s. He is the bad parent, not me.

I have a lot of power. I am going to be very careful about how I use it. I will only use it to advance a loving relationship between my kids and their dad. They were once conceived in love and I will remember that.

Neverending Interview – Facebook

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Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

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What is the funniest movie ever?
Can’t joke about films. Holy Grail? Miss Sunshine? Yellowbeard!!!

Nintendo, Microsoft, or Sony?
Companies.

How confident are you in yourself?
About as confident as I am that Sarah Palin is human.

What song are you listening to right now?
and you assuming music is playing, why?

What do you love?
too much, too fast, love is stupid.

if you had one wish what would it be
If I told ya, I’d have to kill ya…since I don’t know ya…that would be hard and I don’t need the stress.

Lefty or Righty?
I don’t care which hand as long as it’s done right.

What is your favorite season?
salt

Would you give your number to anyone that looks good?
What number? My social security number? No way. My pin number? Forget it. The number to the combination for my heart – you betcha

American or British?
I am American. But I love to annoy people with my fantastic British accent.

MYSPACE OR FACEBOOK?
I believe this is that Facebook all the kids are using

Who was your first kiss?
Ryan Bauer LOL – that’s right…I called you out…And Ryan Rode was my first french kiss and I had gum in my mouth.

do you look behind the shower curtain before you go to the bathroom?
No. Should I?

what is your favorite movie?
OMG…these ppl on the side here with their answers. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days?? REALLY?? THAT is your FAVORITE movie?? What is wrong with people?

whos your favorite celebrity???
Richard Simmons and Abe Vigoda

If you had to be fat or ugly what would you pick?
Now you’re just picking on me!!

Jack Sparrow or Jack Bauer?
and what was the question?

do you ever dip your toast into milk and then make it into a shake?
Thank you for making me throw up in my mouth.

Do you sing in the shower?
Yes. Even when it’s not on. If I feel like singing I just go stand in the shower and sing fully clothed. Its a Barney Rubble thing, you wouldnt understand.

Do you prefer people with glasses or with contacts?
I prefer people without either…to them I look better

Do you like baseball, football, basketball or other…or do you just hate all sports
I hate all sports that have to do with coordination, running or jock straps which chafe my hiney.

BOO!
Fuck you.

What time is it when an elephant sits on a chair?
Maybe the elephant needs to get off his lazy ass and buy a watch.

dolphin or whale?
Well, I am pretty bloated today…so whale I guess.

Gold or Silver?
Silver fo sho…

Tennis or golf?
Table tennis and mini golf. Actually, I hate mini golf..what am I thinking?

Winter or summer Olympics?
I have never been in either. I am waiting for walking to become an event.

If you were an animal, what kind would you be?
A cat owned by me

What was your favorite high school subject?
Creative Writing or Theatre

Are you the only child?
In the world? No. But I do enjoy being called a child.

what is the best part of high school?
not being there

what is the best part of high school?
not being there

Is your middle name Nicole?
Okay, this is weird. No.

Is your name Kelera?
Ummm…no.

Have you ever hooked up with 3 girls/guys in 1 night?
LOL. NOOOO…geesh.

Do you spend too much time on facebook?
Well, yes, in fact I do.

Baby girl or baby boy?
I was a baby girl. Imagine that.

What is your favourite comfort food?
Chocolate

Do u believe in God?
I believe there is a higher power…whether that be God, Nature, Zeus, I dunno…

What Do you regret?
Didn’t we have this question already? Lots.

Favorite cartoon?
Simpsons

Shower everyday?
No way. Once every other week. I like science experiments.

what is your stance on the war in Iraq?
Bring them back!!

democrate or republican, conservative or liberal?
I refuse to label myself in this regard.

Do you like Americans?
Some of them.

What kind of drugs have you tried?
hahahaha….nice try….

What kind of drugs have you tried?
hahahaha….nice try….

What kind of drugs have you tried?
hahahaha….nice try….

How would you spend the last five minutes with the one person of the opposite sex that you loved the most?
Making sure they NEVER forget me

What would you do if you are going to die in the next minute?
dial 911

least favorite song in the world?
Do You Know the Muffin Man…

If you met an omniscient being who could answer any question, what would be your question?
Who shot J.R.?

If you could choose your ethnicity what would you choose?
I would like to be even more Italian than I am…extra garlic if you will

What is your favorite movie quote?
“The best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.”

What would be the soundtrack to the movie about your life?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again…” and “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers”

If you had to make a movie about your life what would it be called?
Sybil. Oh wait…thats someone else. Ummm…The Life of a Neurotic Smart Ass Who is So Self Involved She Even Made a Movie About Herself….

If a tree fell down in the forest and hit a mine, would it make a sound?
Like a coal mine? Yea, it would. But I don’t think the mine has anything to do with that.

What is your favorite Shakespearean play
I guess Measure for Measure since it is the only one I have seen live.

if you fell off a cliff what would be you last thought?
shit…i’m falling

Describe your evil twin.
Pretty much like me….but nicer.

Are you happy to have single-handedly destroyed the earth?
Yes, I think my job here is done.

How do you tell if you are in love or just in lust?
Do I want to just jump his bones or do I want to wash his sheets when were done.

Vin Diesal or Paul Walker??
Vin Diesal is grody and I have no idea who this Walker fella is.

Would you rather be an elf, dwarf, or hobbit
I truly do not know the difference. I am sorry if that is not PC.

Do you like to go on msn?
Not particularly

Mc Donalds or Burger King??
Neither, gross

If you could make any junk food super-nutritious, which one would you pick?
CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE

Do you like to go online everyday?
I don’t LIKE to…I HAVE to…

What would you do if no one would ever find out?
Like I would write it here…a doiiiiii

how many licks DOES it take to get the center of a tootsie pop???
How many kicks does it take to knock your head off?

How far do you drive to school/work every day?
I do not go to school/work.

What is your favorite kind of cheese?
Not really a cheese person…so I guess, American lol..

What do you want?
confidence, health, beauty, wealth, contentment, peace, should I go on?

where were you born?
hospital

Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie??
LOL. I hate to say these words…my embarrassment is welling up…but I am a member of…yes…Team Aniston…

die with wealth, or a loved one?
WHAT?? Well, if I have to die, I would prefer to fo it alone and not to have to take anyone with me. Why would you want to die WITH a loved one? Strange question…yet ag

Last film seen
The Secret w/ Lilly Taylor and David Duchvany…very silly

What was your SAT score?
I think I took the ACTs and not the SATs…is that right? I would never remember the score anyway tho. But I do know my IQ is supposedly 131.

What is your ideal pizza?
Deep Dish with just sauce – no cheese or any other toppings.

Look to your left: What do you see?
A basket full of shit that needs to go downstairs.

What are you wearing right now?
(giggle..snicker..giggle) i’m not telling…

My place or yours?
I don’t even know you perv

Star Wars or Star Trek?
Wars

Scotland or Italy
Italia bambino

Is/are your animal(s) spayed/neutered?
Yes. Next: husband…

Apple juice or orange juice?
Apple, please.

Have you ever popped, locked, and dropped it?
Well first of all, I though I read ‘Have you ever pooped”…(giggle). Honestly, I have no idea what they hell you are saying.

Where in the world do you feel the safest?
Where ever Carmen San Diego is…

Relationships or hook ups?
Is their a difference? hardeeharhar

Death Metal or rap?
I hate them both. But death metal sounds significantly scarier…so I will say rap.

What countries have you been to other than you home country?
I just answered that. God, you are just like my husband.

Have you ever been anywhere outside of U.S.?
I think I have left my body a few times. Does that count? No? Well, then Bahamas and Canada.

What are you looking forward to this summer?
The summer part.

cheereleading or gymnastics
Are you asking which one would kill me quicker?

Ice Cream or Sherbet?
While I would pick Karamel Sutra over any Sherbert, but I would chose Lime sherbert over Chunky Monkey. And yes, I say SHERBERT.

Sex before marriage or after marriage??
I think both would be ideal – no?

Biggest regret?
I have several. Not being a better student, not going to college right away, waiting so long to have a baby, saying no to the right guys and yes to the wrong ones, having

Two sports I played in middle school?
Okay I have had it. I didn’t PLAY any sports, PLAY any insturments…I did nothing okay…NOTHING.

Do you have a college deree? If so what?
GAWD!! What is with you?? Are you trying to make me suicidal??

What musical instrument do you play?
Ummm none. Thanks for reminding me that I am a talentless piece of shit…

Favorite hard liqour?
A long long time ago…it was Jack.

Favorite NFL team?
Bears

Family or friends?
Who would I eat first after a plane crash? Family for sure. I know I feed them right.

Are you self obsessed?
Aren’t we all?? Really now…

Who Are Your Best Friends?
The voices in my head

Why do you go on facebook?
Because I am a loser babyyy

who is the person you love the most?
if i told ya…i’d have to kill ya…oh wait..never mind. Cassidy.

Imagine your homeroom teacher with a bikini on
I have a homeroom teacher?! Shit – those dreams ARE real and I really don’t remember my locker combination or know where my classes are…!!!

What I dislike most about the general public is…
the fact that they are so publically general.

Is there any circumstance where cheating is okay?
SURE!! I cheated on a spelling test once and I have never once forgotten how to spell that word!!

Looks or Personality?
I would like to think I have them both thank you very much

East Coast or West Coast?
West for sure. I like to feel smarter.

What is your biggest turn on?
a big fat throbbing sense of humor

Would you rather perfer be stabbed by a knife or a sword?
Okay you have issues you sick twisted…

Rap or Hip-Hip?
hip hip??

What motivates you?
my desire to to be better than those who tried to make my life hell…to make them jealous…to make them lick my feet and call me mama

When will you be in Chicago next?
How do you know I am not there now?? Creepy interview thing…

what is love?
A song by Howard Jones?

Jeans or shorts?
short jeans

Are you a good friend or not ?
Yes. Very. Ask Bob.

Do you sometimes wish you were a porn star?
Only when I have a craving for antibiotics and strange semen.

how many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
are the people drunk or super short or handless?? What seems to be a problem?? Its JUST a light bulb.

Biggest turnoff in the oppisite sex?
Some fuck wad in the answers on the side here said “FAT” as his answer to this question. MY biggest turnoff? Tools like that guy.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
Well shit. I didn’t!! Until YOU had to bring it up!! Jerk ass.

do you currently like anyone?
LOL…currently…no. Ask me in a few minutes.

If you look at the color blue, what does it make you think of?
The bruise I am about to place under your left eye

What is the meaning of life?
To make Heather as happy as possible. That isn’t just MY meaning of life by the way…that is EVERYones…so…come on…make me happy…

Favorite perfume?
Inner Grace by Philosophy

Do you like thunderstorms?
Love ’em man

What would you do if this interview is never ending?
What would I do? Are you going for something dramatic here?? Like…I will blow my brains onto the wall next to me…or the truth…like…life as usual will likely conti

What is your favorite grocery store?
Huh? Pick n Save…does anyone really care??Oh. Okay. Sorry.

Orlando bloom or Johnny depp?
Depends on the job. If I have some sexy pirating that needs done, well then Depp is my man. If I need a typecast so-so brit actor then well, Bloom will do 🙂

what do you think they eat in heaven?
bad people.

Do you drink coffee?
Yes, but only decaf.

Do you like to bake/cook?
I like to get baked and cook. ((disclaimer: this was an attempt at being humorous. any future employers, please disregard as such))

Do you believe in ghosts?
I don’t know. They can be so undependable.

Winter or summer?
Well, right now it is February. We call that winter where I am from.

If you could pick anyone dead or alive to have lunch with, who would it be?
Maybe my dad…or Ellen Degeneres…maybe Karen Carpenter? She might like some lunch. What’s that? Oh sorry, have to go…hell is on the phone…

Do you have any piercings/tatoos?
I am like a sieve. Seriously, 7 holes in one ear, 3 in the other, one in my navel that is closed up and a tat on my shoulder.

What kind of car do you drive?
Jeep. Dontcha see me wavin’?

What are your “comfy clothes”?
stinky

if you were one of the seven dwarfs, who would you be?
a disenfranchised hard working lad who is sick of looking at other little men.

Do you believe in heaven and hell?
I believe I am in one of them now.

Is this boring?
don’t test me prick.

Rolling Stones or Beatles?
If we are talking music, then the Beatles. Otherwise…I think I would choose a rolling stone over a beatle. at least the stones dont have a bunch of tiny legs.

What colour are your eyes?
white on the outsides, then some greenish brownish color I refer to as baby shit and then a black dot in the middle.

What sort of character would you play in a comic book (hero, humorous sidekick, villian, that abrasive newspaper guy, etc.)
I would be the sexy librarian…do they have those in comic books?

Coke or Pepsi?
Pepsi. I don’t do coke. geez.

If you were on Extreme Makeover: Home ion; what kind of room would you ask for?
a kitchen

If you were one word, what word would you be?
seinfeldian

What is the name of your truest friend???
Bob

If you could time travel, what would be your first stop?
yesterday, with today’s lotto numbers

What is your natural hair color?
Hold on…let me check…(burr) brown.

How many people are in your family?
How far back am I suppose to count? Can I use a calculator?

Favorite Rapper
My sister in law, Bess, is the best gift rapper I know.

Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt?
For what? My nomination for president of annoying town?

Whats the First Thing You Notice In A Boy/Girl?
I have only seen a couple boy/girls in my life. But I would have to say the very large heels and the pantylines.

What language would you like to speak fluently?
Wisconsinese

Desktop or Laptop?
I really couldn’t care less. Does it get Facebook and Outlook? Then I am ok.

Whats your favorite sport?
Any I do not have to participate in or watch.

Are you in love?
Always

How many kids (or any at all) would you want to have?
I would want to have 6 if I could use someone else’s uterus, nanny and bank account.

Chocolate or other candy?
Now don’t be ridiculous cousin Larry.

Sour or sweet candy?
Sweet. Candy should be sweet. That is its purpose. The sour stuff should have its own name like…imposters or tingle cheeks

Favorite hot drink?
That one that spilled on that stupid lady in the McDonalds drive thru.

City or the suburbs?
I live in a suburb in a village which is in a city

What is your dream job?
I want to be the person that picks the soundtracks for movies.

What religion did you choose to follow?
heatherism

Performing Arts, Fine Arts, or Sports?
Yes, they all exist.

Riding horses or riding dolphins?
Ummm, that is seriously gross and I am pretty sure, illegal.

Are you fed up of all these questions?
Pretty much you little ass crack.

Do you believe a good life is attainable? or is it something that is out of our control ie subject to luck etc.
Of course. Just cannot be as lazy as me.

What came first, the chicken or the egg?
I’ll tell ya what came first…a horny ass rooster and that little red headed whore of the coup

What is your favorite color?
Didn’t we go over this already?

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
kay

beach or mountain?
I prefer mountain goats to beach goats ANYday. Those f’ing beach goats.

left handed or right handed?
left hand until it tires, then right.

Why are you taking this interview?
utter and complete boredom

who do you count on when feeling down
Pfizer

do you plan in advance
how would I plan posterior?

What attracts you most?
authenticity

Do you feel comfortable showing PDA in pubic?
Why would I feel uncomfortable showing an electronic organizer in public??

How many hobbies do you have
None now that I started this interview

Close your eyes for a moment, who pops into your head?
Thanks a lot!! I’ll tell ya what popped into my head, as I closed my eyes my kid threw a ball for me to catch…THAT’S what popped into my head. Ouch.

Do you say “I love you” in the relationship?
Hell, I say it to virtual stangers.

Aliens have landed and selected you to visit their home planet. Do you go with them?
It depends on the plantet…there are some to which I would never return. Pluto, for example has THEE rudest drivers. And well, I think we all know what Uranus smells lik

Describe your perfect Sunday morning?
Waking up next to Clive Owen as he begs me to stay for the afternoon so we can just lay around and tickle each other.

If you could be successful at any job in the world, what would that job be?
Parent

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Some place where chocolate is abundant, chunky women are revered as gorgeous and cable is a human right.

If you could be someone else for a day, who would it be?
The person who knows how to make a person change into another person…then I could just write it down and do it when ever I wanted. Right?

If you have friends coming for supper what would you cook?
It seems I should probably cook supper or they could be disappointed.

What is your favourite word?
bagillion, fuckideedoodah, gloryhole, ballistic, wackadoo

What makes you cry?
Everything.

What makes you laugh?
Everything.

If you were an animal in the wild, what would you be?
fucked

If you won the lottery, how would you spend your millions?
verrrrrryyyyyyy carefully…while being warm and massaged…

If you could travel back in time, what mistake(s) would you want to correct?
DUDE…fo real?? I don’t have that kind of time!! Things I WOULDN’T correct would be a much shorter list.

Do you believe that the cup is half empty or half full?
depends what is in it…duh…

Who was your hero as a child?
I didn’t have any heroes or idols. But now I watch Heroes and Idol.

What do you do for fun?
I am afraid I do not understand the question.

Are you an outdoor or an indoor person
Indoors. Especially during a tornado.

If you had only six months to live, what would you do first?
Go to the Dr.

What 3 words would your best friend use to describe you?
I do not have a best friend. Well, except my cat…so I guess Meow Meow Meow…

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Answering that last question.

What are you most proud of in your life?
Ask me again in a few years…

Do you own any pets, and if so what do you have?
My cat owns me.

Who do you admire most?
Only the most admirable.

Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?
Yes, in fact I do.A tattoo duh…on my body…(okay a purple iris on my back right shoulder)

When do you plan on getting married?
Well, I plan on getting married about 5 years ago.

Get the number or give the number?
I guess if I were a 411 operator, I would give the number. If I were the caller, I would then get the number. These are really some strange questions.

Romance or Kinky?
with who?

How do you feel?
physically? chilly. mentally? contemplative. emotionally? somber.

What size shoes do you wear?
I usually try to pick the size that best fits my feet

Water or 100% Juice?
Now this is just getting silly. Water.

Would you rather be hot or cold?
Hot. I’m like Paris that way.

Would you rather lose an arm or a leg?
Wow…this interview is very violent. Blind or deaf…arm or leg? What am I interviewing for? A Japanese game show?

Favorite Place to Eat?
Usually in some sort of shelter…I hate when my hair blows into my mouth when I try to take a bite.

Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other?
No, I have never done an opera. Musical? Only in the shower. Well, ok…anywhere others aren’t. Concerts – I was the MC for our 5th grade Christmas Concert. Plays, lets

Opera, Musical, Concert, Play, Performance, or Other?
No, I have never done an opera. Musical? Only in the shower. Well, ok…anywhere others aren’t. Concerts – I was the MC for our 5th grade Christmas Concert. Plays, lets

What is your favorite clothing brand?
clothing brand? whatever one will allow me to fit into a size smaller than I really am

If you had to pick one car, which would it be?
Mine so I wouldn’t go to jail.

What are some of your favorite Disney Films?
Old Yeller, Finding Nemo, WALL-E

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It’s a long story. Do you really want to know? Alright. Well, Chicken spent his life on the wrong side of the tracks. Literally. He was on the West side of the South bou

What was your last thought?
So are you saying there is something wrong with me eating Juice and Cookies??

Juice and crackers or milk and cookies?
So are you saying there is something wrong with me eating Juice and Cookies??

Favorite fruit?
Schnozberries.

Are you a cat or a dog person?
I don’t know about YOU…but I am a human person. I have never seen a dog person but there was that one cat lady on ET that one time…weird question.

Would you rather be blind or deaf?
deaf so I would never have to hear hannah montana ever again

Define yourself in 3 words…
I am swell

Do you eat cold cereal at night?
almost every night. it is my “desert”. boo.

What is your favorite TV show?
Of all time – Cheers and Six Feet Under

Kill the spider or let it out?
Let it out!!

Do you shower every single day?
Pretty much. I also take a bath almost everyday.

Walking past a beggar, spare change or ignore?
Depends.

Where do you want to travel next?
Hawaii

What would you do if Michael Jackson asked you out
I would wonder who drugged me and brought me to Neverland

What is your favorite food?
Lobster

Do you read harry potter books?
No

What is your favorite place?
Don’t have one yet

If you could have one super human power what would you choose?
Time Travel

Have you had a beer in the last week?
No

Vitamin Water or Gatorade?
Neither

Flip flops or tennis shoes?
Both

What do you do on fridays?
Same thing I do every day

What is your favorite song of all time?
Carry on My Wayward Son

Do you like bananas?
Yes