Monthly Archives: April 2011

Indulging Comes to an End

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You have heard of Fat Tuesday, right? This week I am celebrating the innovative new holiday known (to me) as Fat Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…yea. Not YEA like hooray. I mean yea like…sigh. So, there is no fooling myself that these past months I have not in anyway been vigilant about my eating. I have kept up with the exercise, but I have been eating much worse much more often than I should. And the results of my neglect are now showing…at a theater near you. Seriously, the pants are a little snug, I look super bloated in pictures and its just not a pretty sight all around – and a do mean a ROUND.

The “plan” was to start my new, healthy weight loss lifestyle today. Nothing major or weird. Just back to what I did at this time last year when I lost 30 pounds. Healthy food 90% of the time, 1100-1400 calories a day, log every bite and continue with the exercise (and use a new Wii program in addition) – that’s the “plan”. I also want to incorporate 3 other rules which I didn’t commit to last time.

  • Better Sleep — I will make an effort to be asleep by 11pm — TV off (it often gets left on through the night, impairing my sleep)

 

  • Eat Breakfast!! I will be doing a fruit and veggie smoothie each morning and will try to eat small balanced meals throughout the day. Now, I barely eat anything during the day and then chow the fuck down every night. Not cool.

 

  • No night eating!! I must make a strong effort to eating nothing after 9pm. I don’t care if I have to take a sleeping pill. I need to stop this night eating habit.

 

So, this is the “plan”. It was supposed to start today. It didn’t.

We have all these snacks from vacation left over, easter candy galore, pina colada mix which needs to be used, tons of left over ham – food that I need OUT of the house before I start this diet. I have no self control and I simply cannot allow these triggers to be left in the home. Don’t shed tears for the kids and husband. They get plenty. I simply buy them snacks they like that I do not. That way I am not tempted.

While on our trip I discovered that Iowa should really be called “Stairway to Fucking Everywhere”. I am not kidding. Everywhere we went there were stairs to be climbed..and not a few steps, I am talking huffing and puffing. Yesterday on the way home we stopped at a few parks and did quite a bit of hiking. I am not a hiker and it wasn’t really the intention. But it was beautiful and worth it (HERE are pics) but HOLY HELL!! Even with all the exercise I do..I cannot believe how sore my legs are. I can barely walk!! My calves are so tight and crampy and burning. Now, I did also use the weight machine at the hotel and did A LOT that I usually don’t do (no access to equipment) and I wore heels Saturday night which I also do not do very often. So I am sure it all played a part in the reason there is NO WAY I could exercise today. Owwwwiiieeee!!! Regardless of the discomfort – I will be back on the dreadmill tomorrow. If I miss more than a day, I feel horrible about myself.

These are the reasons – not excuses…damnit…REASONS – I could not start the new “plan” today. But I have committed myself to doing this. I need to feel better – physically and emotionally. I will lose these last 10 lbs by July. I will look good for that damn reunion. I will feel better about wearing a swimsuit this summer.

As I said, part of getting back into the healthier lifestyle I will be incorporating smoothies. At least for the first couple weeks. The idea is to have a veggie & fruit smoothie for breakfast and one for lunch. A big salad and healthy dinner in the evening. The morning smoothie will also have protein (whey powder) and both will have chia seeds. I have ordered both the powder and seeds and they should be arriving on Friday. I have also ordered a new workout program for the Wii called My Fitness Coach.

So, by this weekend the junk food will be gone and my new products will arrive. I will take this week to start getting into the swing of things and by Monday the “plan” goes into full effect. I am nervous. It is like when you watch Intervention and the addicts refuse to go to rehab even though you are sitting there screaming at your TV because you know how much better their lives could be…but they are just so scared to give it up…to committ…to fail. Yea, its like that. I am out loud holding myself accountable. So failing would be quite a heavy burden. And very depressing. So, it is kinda scary. I mean, I LOVE my food, my sugar, my salt. I love going out to eat. But I know I will love feeling good about myself even more.

But I know I can do this. It was only one year ago that I lost 30 pounds, many inches AND quit smoking. If I could do that…this should be a walk in Hershey Park, right?? Cross your taste buds for me…

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BiPolar Tea Party, Baby – Patch Editorial

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When the Tea Party first started whistling from the pot, I didn’t have much of an understanding of this rebellion. Colonial pirates who loved tea so much they wore it on their heads, okay by me. I’ve certainly seen weirder. I mean, they must at least be more relatable than Scientologists, right?

I remember hearing that first interview with a real live Tea Partier. Right here!! In Racine!! It was on WRJN so it had to be real. I listened as I flossed my teeth and moisturized my face, and I listened intently. Finally, all my questions would be answered!!

Finish reading HERE

What Are…Photos Which Make Me Whine for 500, Alex

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I was going through some photos on my computer – attempting to clean up, which never happened – and I came across these I do not believe I have ever seen. These are from 2 summers ago. Stirs up so many feelings.

My step daughter looks so much older and different now. The years between 10 and 14 are so changing!! I used to change her diapers and now she wears the same size shoe as my mother. I am so worried about her going into middle school. She is so smart and respectful and basically an all around good kid. I know what middle school can do to a girl. (Sigh) Boy, do I know…I WILL put bars on the windows if I have to!!

Cassadilla (one of my nicknames for her) always looks the same to me. Even her baby pictures – you see the same face. But I do see the growth and each moment I take to realize what is happening (this damn aging shit) it punches me right in the gut. She is getting far too old too fast. She is already figuring out multiplication in her head!! I love her and who she is becoming…but I miss my baby soooo much. I was watching Nurse Jackie this week (GAWD I love that show – Zoe ROCKS) and there was a soon-to-be dad who was getting cold feet. Jackie took the hat off a nearby newborn and told the guy to smell the baby’s head. It was so relatable. There is nothing that smells better. I want to smell that again (wahhhwahhh).

And then there is my husband. He looks the same. And I feel no desire to smell his head.

Ewwwww. You know what I meant!! Dirty bird.

One other feeling I get while flickin’ through these pics…I want summer so BAAAAADDD!!!!!!! Seriously, I never thought I would be longing to get out on that pain in the ass boat – but I am.

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I Accept…

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picture by olga marie polunin

One of my life jobs is to gain acceptance. I am learning this is true more and more each day I amble through life. So many of my experience and self induced challenges are birthed from my lack of an ability to accept. Not to forgive, not to settle. But to genuinely accept.

I need to accept the things that happened to me as a child.

I need to accept the fact that I have no real control over life.

I need to accept that there is no changing my past.

I need to accept that I am worthy just as I am.

I need to accept that others are worthy just as they are.

I need to accept that each of us can die at any moment, for any reason, without any warning.

I need to accept that I will never be able to control death.

I need to accept that I am getting older.

I need to accept that people feel, think and act very differently than I do.

I need to accept that I cannot change the world or even a single person.

I need to accept that I do not need others to like me.

I need to accept that I can like without love and love without like.

I need to accept that I will never have proof or evidence or answers about the existence of an afterlife.

I need to accept that I cannot fix everything and not everything needs fixing.

I need to accept that I have complete control of my reactions and responses.

I need to accept that I will fall, make mistakes, fuck up without it being the end.

I need to accept that bad things can happen without it meaning the world is over.

I need to accept that I will never look like a magazine and that I look exactly the way I am suppose to.

I need to accept that I will not have results without work.

I need to accept that just because someone isn’t with me that it means they are against me.

This is merely a drop in the bucket of what I need to accept in my world. These are all things which truly hold me back. They keep me in an anxious state, depressed, afraid, vigilant, high strung, stressed, over weight, cynical, tired and who knows what else. It is toxic, it is destroying what could be an awesome life.

My therapist told me as I was leaving last week, “Heather, you really have to know that you’re not bad. People do not see you how you see you.” It is hard for me to imagine that people do not see me the way I see myself. Impossible, really. I have to really work on this. Not sure how. She said ‘fake it till you make it’. That I should tell myself certain things (such as the lines above) over and over until I begin to believe them. She said many times action comes before belief instead of the other way around. We shall see. Not sure I will be so good at hypnotizing myself 😉 But I will try.

Tribute to Tricia Seidler w/Video – On Patch

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“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge – myth is more potent than history – dreams are more powerful than facts – hope always triumphs over experience – laughter is the cure for grief – love is stronger than death”

I read this Robert Fulghum passage during Grandma Rose’s funeral service over 16 years ago. We search for words such as these to comfort us when we are lost in grief. We need to know our pain is understood. I think of this aphorism now as I am saddened by the death of Tricia Seidler, who was my Nurse Practitioner at All Saints Northside Clinic in Caledonia. 

I didn’t know Tricia well, not on a personal level. She knew much more about me than I did her. But one thing I know for certain is how much I admired and felt fondly of her. I have visited her many times over the years for myself, my husband and my children. And each time I walked away better than when I walked in. I may still have been sick, my daughter may still have had a temperature and medications may have not yet been received, but she had a way of making you Just. Feel. Better.  

Please click HERE to read the rest of the tribute to Tricia.

Below is a tribute video I made in her honor…

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Untitled or I Am A Flippin’ Mess – Take Your Pick…

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(YAWN)

Seriously. I don’t know WHAT is wrong with me lately. I cannot fall asleep until way too late and I feel tired constantly. I need to change up some shit. Bad habits, draining emotions, mundane routine and self bashing is significantly damaging me lately. When I am all dented, bandaged, bruised and weepy – I am not making for a very good mom, wife, daughter, writer…simply put – I suck. Some things need to change. If this is to be the Summer of Heather – which it was so declared (did you get the memo? It was pink) – I will have to get started on some required preparation. Fuzzy bat balls. Why can’t things just be easy??

Get Your Ass to SLEEP!!

I must fall asleep earlier. This watching TV until 12, 1 or 2 o’clock is just ridiculous. Charlie gets home at 8:30 and is asleep by 9:30. I am a night person. Always have been. I have often joked about my vampire status, but now that the blood suckers are so popular – I hate to be so relevant.  I don’t know what the dealio is.

Clearly I am tired long before The Daily Show airs and once I am asleep I almost always stay asleep. It is almost like my body will not allow me to voluntarily close my eyes. I always end up passing out instead of purposely laying my head down in the dark and traveling into slumber land naturally. It makes me anxious. It is as if a part of me feels I will be missing something by going to sleep. Which is weird because I have always used that explanation for the reason why Cassidy never slept as a baby. She insisted on staying awake. Always. Even when still in the hospital- they had to roll her out of my room because she WOULD NOT SLEEP. And it lasted until just recently.

It is not as if my life is to exciting, interesting and appealing that I cannot seem to pull myself away. And quite frankly, my dreams rock. For real. If you are not jealous of my dream life, you should be. It is epic and fascinating and sometimes I wish I lived there. So, what is my deal? Fucking go to sleep already!!

Late Night Munchies

Night Eating Syndrome. Really? Screw you. Just leave that in my overfilled bag of neurosis please. I am hoping to get rid of some at my next rummage sale. The issue – pretty self explanatory. I eat at night. After everyone is asleep and I am finally relaxed, in bed and watching my programs (I have to say programs, I think my grandma said that and it’s funny) I want to munch. From salt to sweet to savory. I need it. Like crack. Like a big ole chocolaty pretzel crack rock. Yum. Am I am emotional eater? Sure. Who isn’t really? (You? Guess which finger I am displaying.) But I don’t know if that is it really.

I used to think it was because I didn’t eat much at all during the day. I mean, duh, right? But I have tried to eat healthily (LOTS of filling fiber) throughout the day and it doesn’t change much for my nightly gnashing. I still manage to get up for peanuts, granola bars and raisins. And it would be worse if I left yummier choices in the house – but I try not to because I know I have little to no self control.

Mama Bear Hibernation

I basically hibernate in my bedroom. It is my sanctuary. During the fall and winter months, our living room is SO cold. Vaulted ceiling with a skylight and I hate them. It feels like a friggin’ meat locker. My room, however, is cozy, warm, darkened with a nice TV. What more do I need?? I write in here, eat, watch TV (which I think I have mentioned now numerous times) everything really. No hot plate or fridge yet, however.

We live in a ranch style home, about 1300 sq feet. From my room I can hear everything and everyone/thing is steps away. So, I am not ignoring my family or neglecting them in any way. They will tell you – I am all too aware (to their dismay I am sure) of what is going on. They come in and out of my room just as it is the living room. So, its not that I feel guilty about it in THAT way. I think I know I need to make a move (literally…move my ass from the bed to the couch)  because I get myself into these comfort zones which swallow me up and eventually I become anxious towards change. Even something as simple as where I hang out. So, just to be mentally healthy, I need to make little challenges to my mental ass routine.

Enough (Fat) is Enough!

Last year at this time I lost 30 pounds in about 3 months. It was necessary and I am so grateful to those who helped, Sparkpeople.com,  and even myself.  I have not been able to get passed that however. I will not feel comfortable with my weight until I am at least 10 pounds less than I am right now. That will put me pre-pregnancy weight. And it is not that I felt super confident then either…but I damn well should have. I never had a bangin’ bod. I was never stick thin. But I definitely would kill to have the body now that I had then (below is 2003).

 

This is about 142ish. Right now, I am about 152ish. When this was taken I was about 3 months into not smoking and about 3 months before becoming pregnant (becoming…as though it was all miraculous-like…all virgin birthy and shit). That was the beginning of the end. Saggy tits, dry skin, oddly shaped belly, the random hair on my chin, bigger feet (I swear to God), and have you heard of irritable bowel? Well, I have a pissed off bladder. I don’t know what I did to insult the bitch, but she clearly has it in for me. Screw you thimble sized pee holder!! (you SO want me right now, don’t you??!!) ANYWHO…yes, pregnancy ruins your body as you once knew it. And again, if you cannot relate…the finger…take a guess.

Hating the Hater

I hate hating myself. I really do. And I know it is annoying to listen to. So, I guess I sorta apologize. But honestly, I am trying to overcome this self loathing – which isn’t all physical by the way…but that is the most recognizable aspect of the hate.  There is a lot of weird crappola freebasing in my mind on a second to second basis. And at the rate of 2 therapy sessions a month…maybe, perhaps I will gain acceptance around the year 2054. (sigh)

The other day in a session I broke down crying talking about the STUPIDEST thing. I told her that when I wear high heels, I feel like a little girl playing dress up. Like a big fraud trying to pull something off and fool everyone. I always feel less than. Uglier, less successful, less smart, less sophisticated,  less fashionable, less financially stable, less interesting…less, less, less. And because of this, I am in constant defense mode. I think – honestly believe – that everyone else sees and thinks these things about me too. I heard a quote once…cannot remember who said it…but it went something like this (cue music) “You wouldn’t be so worried what other people thought of you if you knew how little they did.” Meaning – quit worrying about how others see you because they are not even thinking about you at all!! 

Okay, now I am going down that unfocused rambling path as one eye starts to droop and Gordon Ramsay becomes more and more distracting. The pina colada earlier probably isn’t helping.

How is it Already Tomorrow?

These kids are getting too old. What the hell?? I remember hearing Kenzie’s first sentence (“Get down Bob!”) like it was yesterday. I remember holding my little peanut headed smooshed face nugget in the hospital minutes after a horrid labor. All those birthdays and Christmases…all those days of vomiting and rashes and fevers…all those moments of fear, joy, frustration and humor. Every day is getting faster and faster like a momentum which won’t slow down without a stick in the spokes – and we all know what that causes. A broken fucking face, that’s what.

I go through moments of wanting another baby SOOOO bad. I know that can’t happen. I am just too old and tired and my husband would rather murder me and shove me into an old suitcase. Plus, I need to have that damn surgery which will make the whole contemplation moot anyway. I just miss the smell of bald baby heads. I miss that big eyed laugh at the silliest things. I miss that conversation without words. I miss being able to hold and cuddle without the constant escaping. And it is very difficult to realize I will NEVER be able to have that again. Never. It is heart aching, truly.

I am so filled with thoughts and worries and regrets and disappointments. But that is also complimented with pride, humor, love, compassion, hope and effort. The past 2-3 months have put me back into a rut of depression of which I thought I was finally crawling out. Bob’s death really catapulted me into despair and then the political shit (subsequent arguments, losing friends, strained relationships with family), Charlie’s new SHITTY ass hours and now Tricia’s death. I am just SO sad lately. I need to get out of this and I am the only one who can do it. The issues above need to be actively addressed and dealt with. And I MUST stop procrastinating. Sooo….after my vacation….

P.S. Vacation consists of 2 days in the Dubuque/Galena area. Jealous much?

Campaign No Finance – Patch Editorial

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I will never donate money to an election campaign or politicians. Unless I am buying an item with the “donation” such as my Obama coffee cup or a particularly humorous bumper sticker, I cannot bring myself to give a portion of my limited means to anyone running for any office. Call me cheap, call me un-American – heck, I have been called worse. But first, let me explain the grip on my wallet. 

Campaigns suck. 

Thank you and have a good day.

Read the rest HERE ….

Hopeful Future – Video

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This morning I was driving home from picking up our car at the dealership (some minor fixes) and I heard three songs. What it’s Like by Everlast; Calling on Angels by Train; Everything’s Not Lost by Coldplay. The songs played around in my mind for a while and this is what that created:

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Anyway, I hope you like it. Kinda wanted to show that this isn’t just all about unions.

Thanks for watchin’