Monthly Archives: April 2010

Morning Thoughts

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I wake in the early morning to signs of sunshine and warmth outside the window.  I try to push aside yesterday’s residual stress and negativity. I always want to begin the day anew and fresh and start all over. Why is that so difficult? I am not in a rage. I am not crying my eyes out. I am not panicking whatsoever. It’s that underlying anxiety, worry and wonder that festers seemingly without my control. It is deep enough to hide, but not ignore. I am curious about the people who wake up in the morning and are simply just happy. That’s it. Just happy. They are encouraged simply by the rise of the sun. They see each day as a clean slate and make the most of each of them. I want to be there. How do you get there? My internal GPS does not seem to know the way. But I am not above asking for directions. So, if you can point me in the right direction, I would be forever grateful.

After the news yesterday about the CPS worker who is being investigated…the same worker who was assigned my case 5 years ago…I went through all the old paperwork from the case. I never wanted to look at that green plastic binder again. But I did. And it brought back all those feelings from those years ago. The nervousness which can be felt in my belly and the racing in my heart, these physical reactions returned as if their memory was instant. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. Most people in my life believe I should go forth with hiring an attorney either for lawsuit purposes or in another attempt to get the charges off of my record. But won’t that just leave me in that same state or place of ickiness? Yet, how do I not fight for what I believe is right? Or even more, fight for my future? A huge part of me wants to go public with my whole story. Yet, there would never be assurance the whole truth would be printed. You can answer some questions…give an interview…but will they print all I say? What would be left out? How much room would there be for more judgment and ridicule? If they spoke to Charlie’s ex, who knows what she would say this week as it seems to change with the wind. And as a friend put it, do I really want to stir the pot?? I really don’t know what the best choice is here.

There was a time in my life when I was incurably independent. I was strong and relied on myself. I was smart, quick witted, and funny. I stood strongly for my beliefs and felt no fear in voicing them. Now, I feel pathetic. I depend on others financially, emotionally and even for the simplest decisions in my life. I am overly concerned with what others think – I never used to be like that. I don’t recognize myself anymore. And I really don’t like what I see.  

But I can say that I am trying. I see a therapist a couple times a month to try to get over and finally let go of past experiences. I am attempting to write more simply for the practice and to get back into that groove. I exercise nearly 2 hours most days. I have lost 13 pounds since the last week of February. I am eating much healthier. I am also making myself go out and do things even though I have to break through discomfort to do so.  But that’s where any recent accomplishments end. I cannot seem to get beyond that.

Who do I know I am? I know I am a kind hearted, compassionate person who is damaged, but fixable. I am not highly educated, but I feel I am pretty intelligent. I am spiritual even though I do not have a religion. I desperately want to live life. Really LIVE it. And want each moment to be of value. I know that is all up to me. I have much love inside although some of it seems stuck and unwilling to appear. I really am a good person. I know that. I just want to be…better.

My CPS Case Worker Being Investigated for EXACTLY What He Did to Me

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Update****
I talked to my mom tonight. My parents are LIVID. We always knew…but now that we KNOW, it gets ya in the gut. She reminded me of how bad it was too. The anxiety, depression, on the verge of becoming suicidal…my heart arrythmia was acting crazy…then it goes on to me not being able to go into social work or politics…not being able to get a job or even apply at some places (ie. hospitals)…and worst of all how it affected my family life. I cannot go on field trips with my daughter. I cannot help out in her classroom. And how do I explain that to a 5 year old?? All the other moms go, she tells me. In turn I have morphed into this blubbering worthless POS because I feel so defeated by life. I used to be strong, so independant, smart, funny. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. My marriage is rocky and has been since then. He still has a hard time understanding why I am uncomfortable being alone with my step daughter. There is just SO much that would have never been if this man and the DA would have done their jobs properly. I honestly could be dead right now. And THANK GOD I was able to pull out of that. You know, what really hurt and got me to that deepest place…there was an article on TJT online after the police report was released. No names mentioned, thank god. But the comments that followed the article were that of lynch mob mentality. These people, these fellow Racinians saying the most horrible things to and about me and what should be done with me. And there must have been ppl that knew who I was (her family I am certain) because they were mentioning my daughter and other personal things. I broke down. If it wasn’t for Cassidy…who knows if I’d be here today.
 
A JT reporter asked if I wanted to go on record with my story. I had it on this site for years until recently, so it shouldn’t really matter. But I still worry. I worry about judgment – even tho I know I am innocent and a good person, my head was really messed with back then. I started actually thinking I was bad, wrong and useless. I don’t want to go back there. And what if they go to the ex for comment. She could say any crazy ass thing she wanted. And people look at her and think she’s perfect. I have so much fear. But I also really want to tell my story. To anyone who will listen. I want the truth out there. The real friggin truth. But how could I do that without putting down others? See? I am torn. I will sleep on it.
 
Update***
You know, the more I think about this…the angrier I get. When this all happened and we were told CPS would be contacting us Monday morning…I was ready to get this all out of the way. No call. I tried several times. No responses. I had to keep calling to have just a 5 minute (at most) conversation with O’Brien. When I was going through all the legalities several years ago, I made a binder with every lick of evidence, email, notes you can think of…I was looking through it today. I found this timeline which demonstrates how it was so hard to GET investigated. I WANTED to be quite frankly. If I had just never called, maybe he would have ignore my case like he did others. I am just so mad at myself, really. Here is a scan of that part of the timeline:
 
 
 
 
Update**

Jossart’s assistant called me. She was VERY nice and apologetic and they are very sad about what has happened, she said. She took my information and said she will find my file and call me by the end of tomorrow. What this man did was worse than just cronyism or laziness. People have committed suicide over things like this. People have murdered over things like this. He had the power to ruin lives and he did just that. The DA’s office at the time was no better I might add.

 
Check out the article below.
 
 
This is the CPS worker who was assigned my case 5 years ago. I was never once investigated. Never arrested. Never given my rights. No one in my family was ever interviewed and neither was my husband’s ex who later recanted in a letter to the court. Yet six months after I was charged, a summons appeared in the mail informing me that I was being charged with Felony Child Abuse.
 
Needless to say, I am sick right now. I always knew that if only any of those things I mentioned above DID happen, my life would be so completely different right now.
 
I have an appointment with an attorney on Monday. Though I have no money for lawyer fees. None. Last time we had to get a second mortgage on the house. I also wrote to Robin Vos who is my Representative and also on the Expungement Committee. And I left a message for Debbie Jossart at RCHS.
 
I will keep you updated. Right now, I think I am going to throw up.
 

To The Last But Not Least Ladies

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Her alarm rings with persistent nagging. Didn’t she just get into bed? Actually, yes, pretty much. 6:20 in bold red numbers are read through her blurry eyes and she only slipped into slumber a mere four and a half hours ago.  She cannot call in sick. She has no personal days she can use. There are no substitutes available. She must rise to face a new day of challenges, labor and achievements. Not only is this 34 year old woman a working mother, but also a staunch advocate for her autistic son, Zach, who is six years old.

I am a stay at home mom to typical 5 and 10 year old girls. I have a very helpful husband who probably does just as much as I do around the house.  And yet, I still complain about being tired and overwhelmed by a monotonous routine.  When I have these moments, I need to remind myself of some of the mothers I know such as the one referred to above.  Her name is Hasmig.

Hasmig is a college graduate.  She is married and also works two jobs in order to pay for the extreme costs of various therapies Zach has received.  These have aided in so many of Zach’s accomplishments. However, the jobs for which she receives a paycheck are not her most difficult; and certainly not the most rewarding.  When reading or hearing about autism and its outrageously rising numbers, it typically focuses only on the child and the disorder. Rarely do we hear about the struggles, emotions and complex situations the parent’s of autistic children face every moment of every day.

Hasmig throws her hair into a pony tail and tries to finish making Zach’s breakfast before he gets up a short 10 minutes later. After getting Zach ready for school, she treks 30 minutes each way to the school in the area which best meets her son’s needs. After she returns home she does all her “mom” work…paperwork, laundry, cleaning, scheduling…and then she gets herself ready to prepare for the many hours still left ahead.  After grocery shopping and picking Zach up from school, she heads out to her hour long commute to her main job in a Veteran’s Hospital where she will be working until 11:30pm. By the time she is home, has Zach’s lunch and clothes ready for the next day, does yet another load of laundry and finally gets to bed around 2am. Just writing that schedule made me feel sleep deprived. Living with that kind of schedule and lack of sleep would knock most of us on our asses. Why can some women do it? Because they have to. They simply have to.

This week being the last week of Autism Awareness Month and only a couple weeks before Mother’s Day, I would like to salute a couple of the mom’s I know who have not only raised above their children’s challenges, but have become some of the strongest women I know.  I refer to these women as The Last But Not Least Ladies.  Mothers of Autistic children live a life different from those who do not face this disease. They have the same stresses and difficulties as well as the same joys and happy moments every parent shares. However, they have additional tensions and elations which are rarely spoken about.

Many people do not know what Autism is, how it affects the individual or its physiology. Many people will see a child acting out or behaving “strangely” in a public place. And a first reaction may likely be one of judgment. Judgment about the child and about the parenting skills of his/her mom or dad. Many people need to realize this is a neurological disorder and NOT a behavioral one.  There are many definitions, explanations and websites dedicated to autism education throughout the internet. But I think this video of Temple Grandin, a 63 year old high functioning autistic who has made it her life’s work to use her PhD in Animal Science to better the lives of animals and also advocate for autism treatments, explains much of it pretty well from a personal point of view. Take a look…

Temple Grandin Speaks on Autism

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Mothers and fathers of children with autism are often confronted with the opinions and judgment of others. Perfect strangers will roll their eyes, tsk in disapproval and say things which are downright inappropriate or rude. Many autistic sufferers have sensitivity issues. Some, it is sensitive hearing. With others, it may be touch that is a troublesome sensitivity. Because of this, it is perfectly clear why some children have a difficult time in public places such as stores and restaurants. While it may seem to one person that the child is simply having a tantrum – what may be occurring is something far beyond what they can control. These are not voluntary reactions. These are signs that the child is in pain or discomfort.

It is human to judge. We all do it in one way or another. But the more we know, the less we judge and how can that be a bad thing? It is so easy to see a child in the throes of a “tantrum” and think he is just a brat. It is easy to wonder angrily why the able bodied woman in the parking lot legally uses a handicapped parking spot. It is easy to not think of these “uncomfortable” illnesses until they directly affect one’s own life.  

When speaking to some mother’s, it seemed clear that the rudeness by strangers was substantially overshadowed by the hurt caused by close friends and family members.  One mom told me that she only wished the people in her life could understand her situation enough to realize she does not always have the capacity in her day to return a phone call or send thank you cards. “I am really torn between loving and resenting my close friends and family,” one woman writes.  Many relatives, friends…they seem to have a fear when it comes to interacting with autistic children.  “My sister in law acts as though he is a bomb,” she explains. 

And let us not make light of the need for a sitter once in a while. We as parents, adults, couples need to have time away, time with ourselves and adult time together. This is clearly even more crucial to parents with special needs children. The divorce rate between parents dealing with autism is said to be now as high as 90%. Yet, it is more difficult to find people willing to babysit for this much needed time together.

For the first time in years, Hasmig will be enjoying a weekend away with college friends. This is something she is quite obviously looking forward to and was an opportunity she could not pass up. After all, who knows when it will present itself again. An entire weekend when she can make herself the priority.  This is something mothers of autistic children rarely if ever get to do.  They put themselves last on a daily basis. Last one to eat, last one to sleep, last one to bathe.

I hope that this story can reach enough people to let them know that the lady next to them in line, their friend from high school, their brother in law…these people may have lives which need a support system in order to function. Not just thrive, but function. This is my story about some women out there in this world who deserve to be first once in a while. Deserve credit, respect and accolades for the mountains they climb. In this last week of Autism Awareness Month, I am giving a shout out to The Last But Not Least Ladies.

 Let us become more tolerant and educated. Let us regain the compassion for our fellow mothers, women, parents and humans. Let us lend a hand instead of whispering distain.  It does indeed take a village. And the village is not only made up of plastic perfect people living TV land lives. But the village does indeed have its heroes. And some of these heroes are The Last But Not Least Ladies. I applaud you.

Cassidy on Philosophy.com

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My darling child can is now pictured on the Philosophy.com website under Facebook Favorites for Mother’s Day. Here is the link:
 
 
She was such a cute baby. Now a beautiful little girl…growing so fast. My Baby Head. xo

Sidewalks to Anywhere

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We have no sidewalks in our neighborhood. I live in a subdivision with lots of curves, turns, gravel and ditches. The kids need to stay close to the grass so the speeding dare devil teenagers do not squish them while walking home from the bus stop. It’s just not the same as it was when I was a kid. Our sidewalks were to be appreciated. They were our playground, our safety, our home turf, our path to anywhere. Hopscotch was an old fav and hell, screw the chalk…we used a rock! Imagine that. We would put on entertaining shows for our mom and grandmother as we used the cement blocks in the front of our house as our very own stage. We could race around the block without ever worrying about being hit by a passing car. And our sidewalks took us to parks, schools, stores, the movie theatre, the zoo, the beach. And as far as our little smelly feet could take us – the sidewalk was our yellow brick road. While we may no longer break our mother’s back by stepping on a crack…our neighborhood just doesn’t have that same homey appeal. Neighborhoods need sidewalks. I hereby protest the gravel walkways causing pebbles in my shoe and dust upon my jeans. For now I shall dream of a future neighborhood surrounded by these little foot roads that quietly and unnoticeably made my childhood just that much more cool.

Desperatly Attempting to Understand the Tea Baggers

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I had to look up on the actual Tea Party Movement, not necessarily the fringe lunatics we see daily through out television screens. From the Tea Party Patriots’ website:
 

Tea Party Patriots

Mission Statement and Core Values

 

Mission Statement

The impetuses for the Tea Party movement are excessive government spending and taxation. Our mission is to attract, educate, organize, and mobilize our fellow citizens to secure public policy consistent with our three core values of Fiscal Responsibility, Constitutionally Limited Government and Free Markets.

Core Values 

 

• Fiscal Responsibility 

• Constitutionally Limited Government

• Free Markets

Fiscal Responsibility: Fiscal Responsibility by government honors and respects the freedom of the individual to spend the money that is the fruit of his or her own labor. A constitutionally limited government, designed to protect the blessings of liberty, must be fiscally responsible or it must subject its citizenry to high levels of taxation that unjustly restrict the liberty our Constitution was designed to protect.  The runaway deficit spending as we now see in Washington D.C. compels us to take action because we know that a heavy burden of national debt is a grave threat to our national sovereignty and the personal and economic liberty of future generations. 

 

From what I can gather, the true definition of "fiscal responsibility" is simply a balanced budget. This can be on an individual or government basis. According to www.house.gov

 

"The three periods in 20th century American history where there has been a sustained reduction in federal spending as a percent of total output, 1923-29, 1983-89, and 1992-98 have all been periods of prosperity and high economic growth. In each period the stock market reached historic highs, job growth was robust, and consumption levels rose sharply for the American people."

 

From what I can put together, these times were mainly during democratic presidents’ terms but also during republican congress. However, it should be  explored as to how much the dem and rep ideals and behaviors have changed in the past 60 or so years.

 

Keep in mind, I have little understanding of economics as a whole and I am certainly no expert in any of this. I am simply conducting my own research from reliable sources and adding my own opinions as I go along.

 

Now, the Constitution. The most valuable asset to many in this country. The end all be all of our United States. I tend to assume that when one is demanding their constitutional rights are being violated…that they are referring to the Bill of Rights. I am adding this below so we can try to figure out exactly which rights are currently being violated under this administration…

 

Amendments to the Constitution of the United States

(Amendments I to X inclusive, popularly known as the Bill of Rights, were proposed and sent to the states by the first session of the First Congress. They were ratified Dec. 15, 1791.)

Amendment I

[Freedom of religion, speech, of the press, and right of petition.]

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

 

Okay. This amendment has done nothing but help the Party Movement. Rights of speach and petition seemed to have been protested to the brink by inflammatory speach on Fox News, websites of popular "politicians" and protestors themselves. In fact, many people consider some of what is touted by the Tea Party is hate speach stemming from deep seeded racism. I never used to believe this, but it is becoming more and more obvious that racism is playing a huge role in the anger and hatred towards our President.

Amendment II

[Right of people to bear arms not to be infringed.]

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

 

As much as I wish they were…no one is coming for your precious guns.

Amendment III

[Quartering of troops.]

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

 

Huh? Is this a big problem?? Thinking…no.

Amendment IV

[Persons and houses to be secure from unreasonable searches and seizures.]

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly deargumentthe place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

 

Well, I guess one could make the arguement that The Patriot Act passed by President Bush was in direct violation of this amendment. Where were the tea baggers then??

Amendment V

[Trials for crimes; just compensation for private property taken for public use.]

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the moffense when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness, against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

 

LOL…if anything, the last administration sure got lucky ducky in avoiding crime trials themselves.

Amendment VI

[Civil rights in trials for crimes enumerated.]

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

 

Enjoy the right…doesn’t much apply here, but had to laugh at that. Yes, the grueling machine which is our court system is SO enjoyable. Oh the laughs.

Amendment VII

[Civil rights in civil suits.]

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

Amendment VIII

[Excessive bail, fines, and punishments prohibited.]

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Amendment IX

[Reserved rights of people.]

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

 

Doesn’t this just basically mean that we can make up rights as they come along? Just like kinda adding an ETC…to the end of the constitution?

Amendment X

[Powers not delegated, reserved to states and people respectively.]

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States, respectively, or to the people.

 

Well, clearly this changes a lot and there are issues with this all the time. I think Gay Marriage would be a good example. Legalization of marijuana being another. Yet, wasn’t it George Bush who wanted to ADD and entire amendment to the constitution to BAN gay marriages?? Talk about impeding an American citizen’s rights!! Where were all the constitution protectors during that time?? AND why wouldn’t gay marriage apply under amendment 9??

 

 

Constitutionally Limited Government: We, the members of The Tea Party Patriots, are inspired by our founding documents and regard the Constitution of the United States to be the supreme law of the land. We believe that it is possible to know the original intent of the government our founders set forth, and stand in support of that intent. Like the founders, we support states’ rights for those powers not expressly stated in the Constitution. As the government is of the people, by the people and for the people, in all other matters we support the personal liberty of the individual, within the rule of law.

 

That is fine and dandy. But what these people do not seem to realize is just because they interpret laws and the constitution one way, that does not take away the right and possibility of it being taken another way by someone else. And do they REALLY support personal liberty for all the people?? So why when President Obama is elected BY THE PEOPLE – they do everything they can to fight that. The majority have spoken in the form of their votes in November of 2008. It seems to me that the Tea Party is simply a bunch of people stomping their feet at the fact that their guy didn’t win. Like a riot after a European soccer match. Get over and just do you best to win the next game.

Free Markets: A free market is the economic consequence of personal liberty. The founders believed that personal and economic freedom were indivisible, as do we. Our current government’s interference distorts the free market and inhibits the pursuit of individual and economic liberty. Therefore, we support a return to the free market principles on which this nation was founded and ophealth carenment intervention into the operations of private business.   

 

I am sure that tea baggers see the healthcare bill as something that could intrude on the free market. But this is simply misinformation being fed to the american people by far right radio and television hosts. The bill will eventually create competition and low costs to Americans. It is still a free market, but not one that will kill thousands each year. Big insurance. Big oil. Big pharmacuticals…I suppose we should be crying for them right? Just look at the continual and the banking industry did to citizens and our economy in recent years alone. Yet they are continulally taking home billion dollar bonuses. If free market it going to mean free reign…than fuck it. Bring on the regulations. The upper crust of American Corporation is who is truly running our country like broken down marienette. This is one area where I am not happy with our President’s reaction to a problem. Its been merely a year, so I do still have hope he will do the right thing. We do need to understand that politics is a monster and once in a while a juicy steak needs to be tossed across the aisle to appease and prioritize. This cannot be easy and must be very frustrating to a person with actual morals and values. But something needs to be done – regulate the shit out of these bastards until they remember they are human.

 

 

Our Philosophy

Tea Party Patriots as an organization believes in the Fiscal Responsibility, Constitutionally Limited Government, and Free Markets. Tea Party Patriots, Inc. is a non-partisan grassroots organization of individuals united by our core values derived from the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution of the United States of America and the Bill Of Rights as explained in the Federalist Papers. We recognize and support the strength of grassroots organization powered by activism and civic responsibility at a local level. We hold that the United States is a republic conceived by its architects as a nation whose people were granted "unalienable rights" by our Creator. Chiefly among these are the rights to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." The Tea Party Patriots stand with our founders, as heirs to the republic, to claim our rights and duties which preserve their legacy and our own. We hold, as did the founders, that there exists an inherent benefit to our country when private property and prosperity are secured by natural lawarchaice rights of the indiviwritten

 

By our creator? Ok. Now here is what I REALLY think. The constitution is arcahic and outdated. It was writen during a time when civilization was worlds different than it is now. The way our society works today…the technology…the education…the accepting of all humans and their rights…none of this was a remote vision when these documents were written. So, REALLY, the Constitution, while it has been a great asset to American citizens…it also left out much to be interpreted in the years to follow. Its kinda like if the Bible was real. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness cannot only apply to a few. It is all PEOPLE!! Gay people, Mexican people, mentally ill people, poor people and yes, even all of the brutally abused rich, white, angry men. And these scared, furious white men and women are creating this tea party commotion because they are seeing a man – a black man – in the white house. He has a funny name. He once lived in another country. He has compassion for those who are not only white and rich and American. God forbid!! He wants to help the less fortunate of our country. And these tea party people cannot stand that. They remind me of the seagulls in Finding Nemo…"MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE". Yes, it is yours. Let your balls drop back down and fucking relax. Taxes were lower this year than last…and the problem with that is what exactly?? And even if they weren’t…so what. My taxes have been going to a war I completely am against since 2002. I am HAPPY to have it finally go towards health and goodness instead of just war and hate.

 

I hear Sarah Palin and her cohorts at these rallies with her little quirky one liners and jabs. Plenty of complaints. But not once have I heard her or anyone else in that hot mess explain a better way. Describe a better answer. She was furious that Obama agreed to cut nuclear warheads. For shame!! Um, pssst….Reagan supported the same exact thing and even more so. Isn’t he the holy idol of the right winged? It is all hypocrisy.

 

So, unless someone can really explain to me what is being done by OBAMA to make this such a horrible place and can explain to me a better way of fixing the hell hole left by the previous administration, my view is this…

 

The Tea Baggers (which they coined themselves, so get over it – now that your kid told you what tea bagging really means) are scaredy cat rich people who are uncomfortable with someone other than a white man in the WHITE house. Only makes sense, right (rolling eyes). "Oh, I am not a racist!! I have a black friend." Shut up. I am willing to bet that if people were really to look deep down into themselves…listen to the jokes and comments made at the dinner table during family functions…many more people would realize that, yea, maybe the black thing does indeed make many people uneasy. So, in ending…I believe them to be hypocrites, scared, uncompassionate and completely self centered. And I do not in ANY way consider that patriotic or admirable by any definition. Get it together people. This life is short and you are wasting it. But…that is your right. So waste away if you so choose. Just know that some of us can see right through you.

**after some feedback from a few folks (most in support of the Tea Party) I wanted to make a few more comments, clarifications and/or explanations:

It is unfortunate that the media will typically cover the extremists on any side. However, with such vulgar and hate filled speech – it is really the responsibility of a groups leaders or speakers to publicly discredit and disown the members who bring them to that level. I could be wrong, but so far I have not seen that in anything close to a genuine comment. Constantly referring to the President as Hitler or wearing monkeys and other racist innuendos should embarrass the tea partiers and they should be loud about denouncing them.

I am not this crazy Obama follower who kisses his feet and agrees with everything he does. I never said that every member of the tea party is a racist. Never. I simply think that racism has a place in the roots of this movement and the insane anger and hatred towards their president.

I am very pissed about the bailouts. Which were actually not started by Obama, but have continued. This is something I am not pleased with at all. And something I will be keeping a critical eye one. This bank and wall street shit needs to stop. But that is where I want regulation and consequence…probably too much govt for some of you guys.

Aside from Health Care, which lets face it – is a whole other can of worms I just ain’t got the time for today, what has this president done to take away your country. People keep claiming they want their country back. You do actually just mean your money, right? But how much money are they really taking comparatively?

About less governing…I am really curious what the majority of tea baggers feel on abortion rights…or gay marriage? Bush wanted to change the constitution to ban gay citizens from getting married. How is this not govt telling ppl how to live?? It is just so hypocritical and that is what confuses me.

 

Wednesday April 21, 2010

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Not much to report these last few days. Everything has been pretty typical and boring.
 
Last night I watched the season finale of  "Damages". It was pretty satisfying as far as finales go these days. It reminded me of the end of Godfather 2. Everyone died or went to jail. Lily Tomlin and Tate Donovan will not be back next season unless of course it is in the way of flashbacks or hallucinations which is how Zeljko Ivanek returned for this season’s finale (last season, he blew his head off). Campbell Scott and Martin Short could be back as live characters as well as Ted Danson. I will anxiously await the new season. That show is really the only drama currently on TV which leaves me on the edge of my seat. When I think I have something figured out, I find out I was wrong. I love it.
 
Today I found out that someone I know and her mother have collaborated on a book about dating (with advice). After a good tooth brushing following my vomiting in my mouth…I took a look at the site they have for promoting this book. Oh the irony of life. As soon as the nausea goes away, I am sure I will be able to laugh and laugh like the rest of the people who actually know these two. The mom – who used a pen name – was married to a nice man for I think like 20 years. They had 4 children. She met a new man and got the marriage ANNULLED!! Because she is Catholic, apparently it is better to pretend a 20 year marriage never existed rather than simply ask for a divorce like the rest of normal civilization. And one more wonderful example of her splendid character…she taught her granddaughter how to pull the wings off of live flies when she was about 3 years old. Yea. Nice lady. And then there is the daughter. Oh, there is not enough room here for the hypocrisy and ridiculousness. Apparently the book is basically about her (called Nora in the book) dating life through out her adult years. The book must be HUGE!!! I won’t even get into it here. But suffice to say, her dating life has been an erratic, unhealthy roller coaster of men who have come in and out of not only her life, but also her daughter’s. She uses men. Cheats on them. Sleeps with half county. And she is giving dating advice? REALLY?? It is all such a joke. So I will simply laugh and laugh…
 
My diet is going okay I think. I am logging all my food and fitness using Sparkpeople.com. I do not have a working scale right now. But last I checked I am down about 9 lbs since the end of February I think. It isn’t enough for me to be super happy about…but at least it is now finally starting to come off. I have been keeping my calories around 1200 and I exercise almost an hour a day – cardio and strength. I really hope I can keep this up. It isn’t easy!!! I mean, I don’t know that I will be able to do this forever..and I know it is supposed to be this big life change instead of just a diet. But I am hoping that maintaining is no where near as difficult. My pants are all loose. I need to go shopping, but I want to wait a bit more. When it really warms up maybe. We really don’t have the money for a bunch of new clothes right now anyway. So its belts and saggy ass for now 🙂
 
Alright, I should actually go accomplish something today. Talk at ya later 🙂
 
 

Wednesday April 14, 2010

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The other day I was watching Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution. I had a couple episodes recorded. I was astonished at how stupid we Americans really are and how we must appear so to others. The basis of the show was famous British chef, Jamie Oliver, going into an elementary school in West Virginia. He chose that particular place because statistically they were rated the unhealthiest city in the US. And it was soon apparent why. The ignorance was abundant and embarrassing. Here are a couple videos.

 

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I just couldn’t believe how rude, defensive and just plain out in denial these people were/are. I got so irritated I almost didn’t finish watching it. But, I did. And I sure hope the next episode is less annoying!!

 

It’s been a couple weeks now on the NAC and I am noticing no side effects. I do feel calmer without that sedated feeling and this month my PMDD seems MUCH better. I don’t know if it is coincidental or not, I will have to see during subsequent months.

 

I joined Sparkpeople.com and am now logging all my calories and fitness. It can be quite time consuming and annoying…but I will give it a whirl and see if it seems to make a difference. I am also attempting to eat breakfast everyday now. I never was a breakfast eater. Ever. I personally never like it because when I did eat it, I would be so much hungrier through out the day. If I don’t eat breakfast, I can go until dinner time without any thing to eat at all. But time and time again, I read and hear how important breakfast is for weight loss…so…we shall see.

 

 

I think my parents may need an intervention. I was just fine with them being republicans. I brushed it off when they would quote (shudder) Sarah Palin or bad mouth President Obama. But they are now showing troubling signs of transforming into Tea Partiers. They believe everything Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly say…they think Fox News is the end all be all of fair journalism…HONESTLY!! I am starting to see their eye balls spinning as tho under hypnosis in a cartoon. They send me the most ridiculous, flat out dishonest viral emails – which I had to stop reading some time ago. I seriously need to call A&E and get an intervention scheduled before they start dressing up as the Statue of Liberty at some gun toting Palin convention. Oh the horror.

 

That’s all I have for now. I am watching my 2 year old niece, Abby, today and she is a wild one! I hope I can last without passing out!!

 

Awesome News for Once!! I Love Philosophy!!

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A couple weeks ago Philosophy had a contest on Facebook. You were to share your favorite Philosophy product and why it is your favorite along with a baby picture. This is what I entered:

 

Being a 36 year old stay at home mom, my days are far from glamorous. Bad hair days, fat days, situations which render me simply gross are all too familiar these days. Just when I am about to forget I am a girl, Philosophy’s Inner Grace line reminds me. So while the pounds may linger and the hair may be neglected…I can still smell really really pretty 🙂

 

 

 

Last week they emailed me to let me know I was one of the 14 winners and I would be receiving a Philosophy prize package. I got the email the day before my birthday and it was actually my best bday gift J

 

Then this morning I received this email:

 

 

hi heather,

 

we wanted to let you know that the facebook promotion has done so well that we have decided to create a facebook favorites shopping category on philosophy.com — and we would love to kick off the shopping category with your photo and quote!

 

although you won’t be on the home page of philosophy.com, you will be at the very top of the facebook favorites shopping category. 🙂 we will be launching the facebook favorites page within the next two weeks.

 

one quick bit of business — unfortunately we’re having trouble sizing your photo to fit what we need for the website. we would appreciate if you could send us two or three other photo options so that we can still incorporate your photo with your quote.

 

also, as a thank you and to show you how much we appreciate your passion for philosophy, we will be sending you a variety of inner grace products for you to enjoy!

 

we do sincerely appreciate your understanding and look forward to featuring you in our new shopping category on philosophy.com! thank you so much and please let us know if you have any other questions.

 

philosophy

 

How cool is THAT???!!! I am excited J Boy, it doesn’t take much these days, does it…but seriously – I SOOOO needed some GOOD news for a change!!

 

Thanks Philosophy – you are awesome!!

Wednesday April 7, 2010

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I haven’t been writing much because most of what I would be writing about, I am not “supposed” to be writing about. I shouldn’t even be focusing on it anymore quite frankly. I have been talking to some women in an online forum about my situation as well as with a new therapist and some friends and relatives. Even someone that knows my husband’s ex very, very well. There is an overwhelming consensus that I need to completely disengage from her – cut all ties, forever. And many also think I need to do this in some respect with my step daughter as well. I am not sure how possible the ladder would ever be; but I think that I do need to sever all relations with the mom. I have been letting her actions, behavior and words affect me entirely too much. Even to the point of changing my life forever with the abuse allegations. Intentional or not, she baits me into situations and conversations where I show the worst of myself, giving her complete satisfaction I am sure. I also have lowered myself to levels I have been angry with her for reaching. I can no longer allow my life to be a roller coaster with her behind the controls.

 

I need to stop having any interest, let alone concern, about what is going on at her house – regardless of how bad it could be. I have to stop caring about what she says about me to my step daughter. I have to stop caring whether or not my step daughter is being cared for properly over there. I can no longer worry about her lifestyle and poor decisions. There is and will be nothing I can ever do about any of that. Stewing and worrying is only hurting me and it aint changin’ nothin’. 

 

Another very LOUD consensus was that I should not ever any more take care of my step daughter when my husband isn’t home. This of course was the advice I received from a number of people 5 years ago. But I didn’t listen. I got somewhat comfortable again, not wanting to make waves, not having the money for daycare…many reasons really. So I just started back where I was as far as watching her any time she is not in school including every morning before school and all summer. She has been with me this week during Spring Break. Each day there has been issues so far. Day one my husband got a call complaining about something I did. Day two…same thing. I mean, it is becoming clear. But I am so mad because it just didn’t have to be this way. Why should we suffer MORE simply because of someone else’s issues? I will stomp my feet and scream “UNFAIR”…but I guess that won’t help much. Right at this moment, I just don’t know what step to take next as I fear my marriage will be in even more jeopardy.  Any suggestions or advice is very welcome!! I know I said I was going to avoid talking about this part of my life, but that is virtually impossible. But I think I have done so here w/o badmouthing anyone really. Nothing that isn’t fact or already well known. There is no way I can write about my life and leave this out. Lastly, I read this on a forum yesterday and was blown away by this woman’s insight…I just wanted to share:

 

I have been thinking a lot about how much power we as birth moms have. How our children watch us, admire us and emulate our every movement, how much they want our approval.

If I roll my eyes when I hear about something that their dad is doing, they remember this. If I only seem happy when they are complaining about their dad, they will do this complaining again and again.

If I ignore them when they do say something nice about their dad and step mom, they will not tell me again for fear of hurting my feelings.

If I say loudly enough that something is stupid, or mean, or crazy, they will also begin to believe that these things are stupid and mean or crazy.

If I repeat enough times in front of my children, "If your dad really loved you, or if your dad really cared about you," they will feel he doesn’t care and that I am the only parent who gives a darn.

And if I don’t speak or say Hi or nod my head to their dad when he is at their school functions, they will begin to believe he is not worth the smallest of courtesy.

After I do all this and then my child doesn’t want to go on visitation, I could smile and say my hands are tied and it is not my fault, but the dad’s. He is the bad parent, not me.

I have a lot of power. I am going to be very careful about how I use it. I will only use it to advance a loving relationship between my kids and their dad. They were once conceived in love and I will remember that.

 

 

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I think the NAC is helping my depression a bit. I cannot be certain, but I do feel like I have more energy and less anxiety about actually leaving the house to do something once in a while. It’s only been about a week, so who knows…will keep updating tho.

 

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I think we are going to Discovery World in Milwaukee Friday. Never been there, but it sounds cool. Charlie is going to take a half day and we are taking the kids. Hopefully it will be a nice day to get all these stupid stresses out of our heads.

 

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Ugh, I gotta go for now. Have more to write, so be back asap.