Monthly Archives: December 2015

Making a Murderer & A Dose of Self Awareness

Standard

On November 15, 2005, I wrote the following on this blogsite:

“I also had an idea about writing a book about this man in Wisconsin, Steven Avery. He was in prison for something like 18 years for a rape before evidenced proved his innocence of the crime and he was set free. There were then stories in the media about how this poor man lived in a small ice fishing shack because he had no money and his life was taken away. I remember seeing these stories and feeling so bad for him. Today, he is being charged with the rape and murder of a young Wisconsin woman. Tell me there isn’t an interesting story here.”

Charlie and I binged on Making a Murderer the past few days. It is a documentary series regarding Steven Avery’s conviction in the Teresa Halbach murder. I am still trying to reconcile my feelings now with my beliefs before the documentary.

At the time and up until a few days ago, I really felt that this was an evil man who got what he deserved. I did think there was impropriety within the justice system. But, in my mind, if it got him off the streets – I was okay with that.

So, why was I so convinced he was an evil psychopath? Because I am far more influenced by the media than I was willing to admit. It was actually without any conscious or active absorbing. In one part of the film, we noticed that a news reporter used the term “compound” in regards to the Avery property. We both chuckled at the absurdity of that. Switching terminology here and there can make a world of difference when it comes to the forming of public opinion.

Another thing that really bothers me about my own assumptions – during this very time, I was going through my own trauma within the justice system. I was accused of a crime I did not commit…of being something I could never be. It was one of the most difficult, horrific times of my life and probably the only time I have ever truly come close to considering suicide. Not long after, I was treated for PTSD due to that event.

Even though I had first hand experience of being caught in the merciless claws of the justice system; even though I had people lie about me, turn against me and felt as if my life was torn apart – I didn’t consider that maybe this was also happening to Steven Avery. That makes me feel ashamed.

Did he kill Teresa Halbach? I do not know. I don’t know if we will ever know. But I do now think it is VERY possible that he did not.

I may write more about the particulars at another time. I don’t know. A lot being written lately – so probably no need. But I really urge you to watch this 10 part docu-series on Netflix. It will really open your eyes to what probably happens far more often than we would ever imagine. Power drunk egos with an axe to grind can ruin many lives and much too easily without consequence. Scary as fuck.

MTHFR: Motherfuckin’ Genetics

Standard

mthfr.jpg

I am such an asshole. Really. I am pretty mad at myself for not writing the second part of my addiction blog yet. I do promise that I will. And soon. I know what I want to write – it is just a matter of doing it.

I have been slow because…well…I am slow. I feel as though I have been trying to run through knee high mud these past two years. While some things have improved, others have not and the search for answers has been annoying and frustrating and I just want to kick a wall.

I had some lab work recently. One showed low levels of magnesium. This made no sense because I take A LOT of magnesium – knowing for a long time that my body needs it. I also found out that I am vitamin B6 toxic. Yea, because that’s a thing?? Seriously. My body is obnoxious as all hell. So, it was becoming clear that my body is not processing shit correctly. This led to testing for a genetic mutation called MTHFRAs it turns out, I have Compound Heterozygous MTHFR mutations. Meaning, one of my parents gave me two different mutated genes (probably more, but I cannot afford the extra testing right now).

What does this mean? Ugh. I am trying to figure that all out. But basically, it affects how my body processes, metabolizes, absorbs (or not) certain vitamins/minerals. It also means that my liver can easily become toxic/overloaded. And, really, this explains so much.

Throughout my entire life, I have reacted oddly or very sensitively to many medications, vaccines, supplements. I often have an opposite reaction. For example, melatonin keeps me awake. Same with trazodone. I could never really drink very much without getting violently ill. I suppose this is a good thing since it may have kept me from my genetic predisposition to alcoholism. (Silver lining, people. I DO see them once in a while!) So, this really does explain a lot.

Last year, when I had a toxic reaction to a very common antibiotic immediately after surgery (including many drugs, anesthetic, etc) – it was probably because my liver just said “fuck it” and couldn’t take anymore. Thus, causing my liver injury and neuropathy. And that alone took a LONG time from which to recover.

Now, I am fighting constant fatigue due to the inability to get restorative sleep. I have also been in physical therapy almost weekly (sometimes twice a week) for constant muscle tightness and spasms. This could be from not having the right amount of vitamins absorbing or the buildup of B6. We are not completely sure – but that seems to make sense. Along with this comes a very embarrassing brain fog that makes me feel like a Trump-esque moron (only with a heart). I have a very hard time writing or even carrying on a conversation at times. Finding words has been difficult. It is a very strange thing for someone who always has some fucking thing to say.

This has been a long, irritating road and it doesn’t seem like it will be ending soon. Treatment is a trial and error sort of thing. But I am hoping for the best. I have a Dr who has been helpful with her willingness to order the right tests and keep an open mind. Although, she is soon leaving the practice and I will start with a new,highly recommended doc in January. I also have the help of a nutritionist, physical therapist and chiropractor. I have my husband who does his best even though he is (self-admittedly) not the most sensitive guy in the world. And I have a couple of friends who have been there to listen to me whine. So, I think I will make it to a good place, eventually, with their help.

Anyway – that is why I am seemingly such a lazy slug. It sucks – especially when people look at me like I am nuts. But honestly who cares. The people who matter are the only ones who matter. And I also realize how much worse it could be. I am grateful for my progress, my intuition and all of the privileges (which I do not necessarily deserve) that I have been afforded in order to make it this far. I am grateful. Tired, sore and cranky – but grateful. And whether you like it or not, you’ll be hearing from me soon. So don’t get too comfortable with my silence (insert evil laugh and maniacal hand rubbing…and then a cough and probably a fart…while I trip on something and completely ruin my attempt at sexy badass).