I have a couple things floating around in this head of mine today. So I may sound a little all over the place, but I am sure you can handle it.
Well I guess the most prominent thing going on right now, with me personally, is the fact that I decided to try to wean myself off of a medication I am on. I am still not sure if it is the wisest choice, but I can always just go right back on if need be. I am on a very low dose as it is anyway. As I have mentioned in the past, I have a history with anxiety and panic disorder. Shortly after my daughter was born it came back with a vengeance and I finally decided to give in and try medication even though I had fought against it for so long. As soon as I started the medication, the anxiety dissipated and the panic attacks were no more. Not to mention I felt no side effects or any effects at all except for being anxiety-free. So I happily took this medication for the last four years.
Now, the thing is, this isn’t a typical anti-depressant type medication. Actually, it isn’t an antidepressant at all. It is a long acting benzodiazepine which is used specifically for panic/anxiety and seizure disorders. I knew starting this medication that it was addicting and actually one of the most addicting medications out there. But I wasn’t considering going OFF the drug at that time, I just needed to feel better. And it was a Godsend. But lately I have been thinking about it and I feel I am too young to be on medications which are considered to be life long maintenance drugs. And I believe that either this medication or my heart medication is hindering my weight loss. I will talk more about that later. Also, I just really want to be as healthy as I can with being on as little medication/supplements as possible. SOOO…I thought I would slowly decrease my dosage by breaking up the pills. Apparently with this particular medication, you need to taper down very slowly for a long period of time otherwise withdraw effects can be dangerous and not to mention very uncomfortable. I guess some people even need to be hospitalized!! Isn’t that friggin’ nuts? So, for the last two days I have taken a quarter less of a pill than normal. And I do notice it. It is like an edgy feeling. Like quitting cigarettes I would say. Maybe if I feel ok I will subtract an additional quarter next week and so on until I reach zero. But if I start to feel awful, I am right back on it. Because honestly, accepting that I have to take a medication for the rest of my life isn’t really earth shattering…I would just rather not if it is possible.
Another thing that has been on my mind is this woman, Nadya Suleman and what I consider to be her insane and irresponsible behavior. I am sorry. I know that I should try to be less judgmental…but I am obsessed with this story. If you don’t know about it…here is an article that can catch you up.
The jist of it…this woman – I believe to be 33 years old – has no job, no spouse or significant other, lives with her mother, doesn’t have a penny to her name, already a mother of SIX children just gave birth a few weeks ago to Octuplets. Not only were the octuplets conceived using risky and expensive IVF treatments, but so were her other six children – two of which have special needs. Needless to say, the octuplets were all born early and far, far underweight. Thank heavens for their survival as that is rare in such large multiple births. But there is no way to even conceive to what extent physical, cognitive and emotional problems could and likely will arise for some of the children.
I have always deep inside wondered about fertility treatments in general. I do not ever speak of it because I never wanted to hurt anyone. But I will say, I have to consider whether or not infertility is nature’s way of balancing out the population. Not to mention the millions of children who need adoptive parents. I know, that is easy for me to say – and even hypocritical you may think since I have a natural child. But there is no way I could afford adoption and because of a past unfortunate circumstance, I would not be permitted to adopt. But no, I do not understand nor will I pretend to understand what it is like to be infertile and desperately wanting a child of my own. However, when it comes to these treatments and drugs that result in these multiples which cause so much risk to the moms and the babies – I just don’t know where I stand on the issue.
But this woman makes me want to pull my hair out. To intentionally spend her last dime on infertility treatments which she knew could have this result or even worse…with no way or means to take care of these children…with an obvious obsession for attention and a clear lacking of judgment…it really irks me that 14 children were brought into her insane fairy world.
I try VERY hard not to judge a way a person parents. I know that each and every decision is personal and family based. And I know that it is ALWAYS hard to raise children…and that most of us can’t afford it (maybe you have heard the saying – If you wait to have babies until you can afford them, you will never have them) but COME ON!!
Okay. Just had to get that off my chest.
Okay, I am going to talk about my weight again. Sorry. Since January 1st I have returned to my healthy ways. I haven’t smoked in over 2 months. I eat healthy foods and I exercise 5-6 days a week. The changes I have made do not equal the changes I should see in the mirror. I did decide to ditch the scale and not measure my changes by the number. Numbers make me OCD and I get obsessed with it. So no inches, pounds, calorie counting…just common sense using the loads of info I have learned in the past 5 years. My mom and husband both say they notice a loss, but I do not. And certainly not as much as I should for how hard I am working at it. I really have to come to the conclusion that either my hormones are squashed and I will always be big or that one of my medications is hindering my loss and I may always be big. There are two meds I have been on since the weight started in my pregnancy (one I took during and after and one I started after). One is the one I am trying to wean from now. And the other one is my heart med which is already at the lowest dose and something I really should not quit. It is just really disheartening to think I will look like this forever. I want to be proud of my body. I realize it won’t ever look pre-pregnancy…but I don’t want this. I am humiliated. I don’t want to see anyone – especially people who haven’t seen me in a long time. I am ashamed. Embarrassed. You name it. I am still trying, but I am at wits end and getting really pissed off.
Well, that is it for now. Time to clean. Yippeeee……