Monthly Archives: September 2008

My Dirty Little Secret

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Yes. I have a dirty little secret. I am a naughty girl – for yet another reason.  I have kept this secret for several weeks and have decided now is the time to share. I am writing this not only for cathartic purposes, but also for accountability and distraction. I guess I will start at the beginning…bear with me – it goes back a ways.

 

When I was about 17 years old (see, told ya) I started smoking. Cigarettes, I mean. I became friends with a chic named Paige who I really looked up to. I admired her. I wanted to be like her in a way. But despite all that – it was still entirely MY choice and conscious decision to start bumming her Benson and Hedges. Eventually and occasionally I started to even buy my own packs.

 

I was about 18 ½ when I moved to Milwaukee to be near my friends Paige and Eric who moved there one year prior. Most of my friends were a little older than me. Anyway, after a short time, I began to date Eric and he refused to tolerate smoking – cigarettes that is. So, I quit. Eric and I were together for about 3 years and I didn’t smoke during that time.

 

When Eric and I broke up, one of the first things I did was buy a pack of cigarettes. Yes, a side of cancer with my new found freedom please. What a fool I was. Was?

 

I then smoked until I was about 22. My new boyfriend (also of three years), Jiro, and I decided to stop smoking together. But the next year, when I was 23, my father died. In his hospital night stand was a pack a Kools. Not my brand by any means…I didn’t even smoke menthols. Regardless, I took that pack and thus restarted my addiction. The next year would be one of the hardest in my life and I was up to about a pack a day. There I stood for the next 4 years – disgustingly hooked on my oh so precious Camel Lights.

 

I was married in 2003. And upon the return from our honeymoon, both my husband and I decided to quit for good.  I was really sick of it quite frankly. I mean, you don’t really need a list of why to quit smoking. There are really few redeeming qualities about the habit. But what really got me was my 2 year old step daughter.  One day, shortly before the wedding she stated as I was walking outside to smoke a cigarette, “When I am grown up I am going to smoke like you.” After I sternly told her no way, forget about it, it’s gross and all the other things you say – I went out to smoke that cigarette. Boy. Did I feel like an asshole!!!

 

Quitting wasn’t really THAT bad. Yes, I gained some weight. Yes, I was pretty irritable for about 3-4 weeks. And yes, Charlie and I almost killed each other a number of times. But the positive effects of quitting were quickly noticeable, giving me the motivation to stick it out. The third week was by far the hardest. Not sure why. But after that it gradually got better. It took about 3 years to stop craving them completely.

 

For the past few years I have been, very happily, a non-smoker. I hated the smell. I stopped going to bars just to avoid the smoke. When I would see a woman smoking, I was SO relieved that wasn’t me anymore. I became this person who couldn’t understand why people wouldn’t just quit. I have a VERY addictive personality. So I figured, what the hell…if I can do it…everyone else can too. Oh, so righteous.

 

Sunday August 17, 2008 I threw away the previous 5 years of my non-smoking accomplishment. All that effort right down the toilet. We went on vacation and bummed a few smokes from a closet, occasional smoker who shall remain nameless. When we returned, we slowly started buying a pack here and there. And in a short month, I was just as hooked as I had been years ago and was smoking about a half pack a day. What the hell happened? How did this appalling monster sneak back into my life so easily?

 

Disappointed and depressed, I have been spending the past 4 weeks trying to figure out how to stop again without entirely disrupting my life. I finally realized there really is no way. For some reason, this time around, quitting has been much more difficult. But I hate myself for starting again and quitting is truly my only option. Today is my first day without a cigarette. I have been cutting down to just a couple a day for the past week. I thought that would make it easier. I am so laughable.

 

It isn’t even noon and I am irritable, anxious, on edge and hungry! I keep debating in my head whether or not to run to the store. But I will not let myself. I cannot. I am better than this. And lets face it…for a person who is so obsessively afraid of death, smoking seems pretty friggin moronic.

 

I just want this to be easier.  Arg. I have only myself to blame. But I will still take it out on the world…at least for a few days.  I will now bow my shameful head and shuffle away as your tisking echoes in my ears and heart….

Only FOUR Days Left – Please Read!!!

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It’s personal…

As you may know, my father, Marty, passed away almost 11 years ago at the age of only 46 from diabetic complications.  I want to do what I can so that we can stop losing our loved ones unnecessarily and to improve the lives of those living with diabetes.

 

Team Cheers Walking for a Cure!!

On October 4th – only 4 days away – I will be walking with my team in the Step Up to Fight Diabetes Walk. Last year, I was able to make my goal. This year, it has been more difficult.

 

Please do what you can financially by sponsoring me in the walk. No amount too large or too small. ANYthing is very appreciated * please know that!!!!!!

 

To make a donation, please visit the following website:

 

http://main.diabetes.org/goto/heathergeyer

 

If you prefer not to use the internet, we can certainly find a way…just email me! I do also have PayPal.

 

cheers44@hotmail.com

 

Either way you are able to help – you will be mucho appreciated and will be considered the coolest person ever!!

 

Win Prizes!!

And every person who donates to me will get a chance to win a $25 gift card. Many other prizes will be raffled for walkers and sponsors!! EVERY sponsor and Team Cheers walker will receive a gift from me personally!!

 

Thanks folks!! Love ya…mean it.

SNL: Sarah Palin & Hillary Clinton (Tina Fey & Amy Poehler)

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YouTube – SNL: Sarah Palin & Hillary Clinton (Tina Fey & Amy Poehler)
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Share Your September 11th Story Here

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On September 10th, 2001, I spent most of the day prone on the bathroom floor.  I rose occasionally to vomit. During these hours I was also crying for what appeared to be no reason at all. Not only was I feeling very nauseated, but I was also in a deep despair that came literally out of nowhere. Everything had been fine. No serious dilemmas, no major issues of any kind to illicit such a reaction. I couldn’t explain to my boyfriend (now my husband) what was wrong. I had no idea. And frankly, I was worried.  I hadn’t eaten anything strange, but I did consider food poisoning.  But with the emotional symptoms…I did have a concern I may be pregnant – even though I didn’t have much of a reason to worry about it.  Later that day I called my Dr. and scheduled an appointment for first thing the next morning. I felt so sick up until then, that I was worried about even making it to the appointment.

 

I was driving across town to my Dr’s office and listening to Bob and Brian on Lazer 103.  They broke out of ‘character’ and announced just as they themselves were learning – a plane had hit the World Trade Center and seconds later, another.  The throat lumps in their familiar and usually soothing voices were almost visible through the airwaves. I was just dumbstruck.  It was like I was just watching a program or that it wasn’t real in some way – perhaps a joke. By the time I pulled into the parking lot, the Pentagon had also been hit.

 

I cannot explain it very well, but as soon as I heard this news – all the nausea and despair I had been feeling the previous 24 hours just lifted.  That’s it. I actually felt it lift out of me like one big breath. It sounds strange, you would think it would have made it worse, but instead, it was simply gone.

 

I walked into the office and I could tell they were not completely up on what was happening. I asked the receptionist if she had heard about the crashes. She was like, “yea, I heard the WTC was hit.” I told her it was hit twice and now the Pentagon. Her expression and demeanor changed quickly. After all, a terrible plane wreck beckons a much different feeling than your country possibly being attacked.

 

I went about my appointment including blood work. As far as they could tell, nothing was physically wrong with me. And no, I was not pregnant.

 

I began to drive to work. I was working in Menomonee Falls at the time and had a very long commute as the main freeway to get there was under construction. As I was about to get onto the highway to head north, I turned the car around. I had to go home. I was truly afraid to be so far from home not knowing what was happening to our country – possibly to the world. I called my boss the when I returned home and told him I wasn’t comfortable going to work that day. I was let go the day after with a minimal severance.  I didn’t even care.

 

Like the rest of the world, my eyes were glued to the TV for the following days. I felt such fear and sadness for what had happened.  But to this day, I cannot really explain the symptoms I had in the hours preceding the attack.  My only guess – considering I have had several other similar occurrences prior to tragedies since then – that it was some kind of precognitive empathic reaction.

 

I did not know anyone involved in the attacks. But it will certainly be a time I will never forget – as much as I’d like to.

Tubing Love

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On Sunday we went out on Lake Michigan for the day.  Charlie and his friend, Zach, decided to try out the new tube. I was driving and the lake was pretty choppy so the camera was unsteady. But it still made me laugh so I had to make a video out of it.
 
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