Wednesday May 26, 2010

Standard

First thing I need to say (rather shout or scream) I need a cigarette!! Ugh. I am so ashamed to be where I am in this regard. I am embarrassed to be so handcuffed by such a stupid, disgusting habit. Its been about 36 hours now. I am VERY crabby. It is only 9:30 and I have already cried 3 times. Between this and the dieting, I feel as though I am in a perpetual state of deprivation. I am PISSED. And I want a donut. Or three. God, I cannot even remember the last time I had a donut. (sigh) There was cake and ice cream at my brother’s over the weekend and I wouldn’t let myself have any of it. Do you know how much I love cake?? Well, I do. I love it almost as much as I love my cat. Cake is good. But no. Deprive deprive. I have to. Why? Because I am FINALLY feeling accepted due to the recent weight loss. And that is only with the assumption I will lose more. I honestly feel I will disappoint my mom and husband and most of all, myself, if I do not lose any more weight. I feel it is still not good enough. I am still not good enough. This isn’t healthy.

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I stare at my vision board everyday. Here is a picture of it…

 

About a week since I made it. They seems to help many others. I really hope it helps me. I need to try whatever I can. I need my real life to start as soon as possible. The life I deserve. The life I crave. The life I cannot even imagine. As far as the vision board goes…these are the desires the pictures are meant to represent:

Letting Go

Financial Freedom – I don’t need to be rich. I don’t need much. I just don’t want it to be a worry.


Confidence

Healthy/Strong Heart

Motivation to Write

NO Smoking

Happiness

Happy/Fun Family

Weight Loss

Tropical Escape (preferably Hawaii)

Forgiveness

Healthy Eating/Fitness

Loving Family

Passionate Relationship

Tranquility/Peace

Laughter

Joy

Closeness/Fun with Girls

Happy Healthy Children

Courage

Regaining Youthful Appearance

 

Too much to ask?? Think there is anything to this vision board idea?? So many people swear by it.

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Anyway, everything is driving me nuts today and I am very sensitive. I hate this.

I have relatives (from my dad’s side) who live out east. I have only seen them a handful of times. One of my aunts always made an effort to stay in contact as did one uncle who is still in town. My dad was in and out of my life before he died and we had very little ties to his side of the family. But when I have gone out east or when they have come here, an effort was always made to spend some time. So, we never really got to know one another. I can honestly say that no one on my dad’s side of the family knows me really at all. And by now, most of those I knew and loved are gone or far away. My dad had 4 siblings. One of my aunts is out east and I have not seen or heard from her since I was about 12. She has A LOT of money and kindly flew my brother and I out there for a couple weeks one summer when we were kids. That was pretty much the first and last time we saw her. I guess she didn’t like us. I suppose at 10 and 12 we were pretty obnoxious. There is the other aunt I had already mentioned. She was always down to earth, very funny and wrote to me through out the years. The uncle I mentioned – pretty much the same. Though he lives in town so we would run in to him a little more. I always felt a closeness with him for some reason. We never really knew each other much, but he used to babysit me when I was an infant and always made an effort to reach out even when my dad was out of the picture. Then there is my other uncle who passed away this year. I won’t go into that now. My uncle in town and his children came to my father’s funeral. And my aunt made it out a month later for my grandfather’s funeral. Otherwise, that’s it. Clearly, no one in that family cared for my dad much. I know he definitely burned his bridges. I have cousins from all of these aunts and uncles. Lots actually. But I really don’t KNOW them. A few, I have met only a couple times years ago. Through Facebook, I have been in more contact…but just silly FB stuff.

My mom has no brothers or sisters…so no relatives on her side whatsoever. All my grandparents are gone. I have very little family. Sometimes I get really down about this. Jealous of others who have big, loving families. I found out that my aunt and daughter were in WI recently for a softball tournament (my youngest cousin is an accomplished softball player). They haven’t been here in many years and come here MAYBE once every 10 years when someone dies or gets married. I felt so sad to find out they were here and didn’t even let me know they were coming. They were staying in Eau Claire, which is a couple hours from here. But often I can make arrangements for things like that. Either way, it would have been nice for a heads up. So, I cannot help but to think that it was considered – telling me that is – and subsequently decided against. And here I am wondering why. I am wondering what annoying thing I posted on Facebook which may have offended someone. I wonder if they think I am like my father. And I just can’t get it out of my head that people just hate being around me. I am negative, I complain too much, I am opinionated, overly honest, obnoxious, hard headed, sad, boring…I think that people just do not want to spend time with me. I am so embarrassed about that. I guess that is up to me to change, however. After all, just because they share some DNA doesn’t make them responsible or obligated in anyway to maintain a relationship. There are other relatives I feel no connection with…why should these people have to?

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My husband’s ex sent me an email last week. She apologized for recent behavior and things she has said. She said there is a reason, something going on…but did not say. I have no clue. I don’t know what this means, if anything. I am just being careful. I do not want to be fooled or mind fucked anymore…by anyone. I don’t even know how to trust my own judgment anymore. And a couple days later, Kenzie was in flip flops for school again. So, I just don’t get it. If she had some rule and didn’t like her daughter to…lets say…wear earrings. Then we wouldn’t let her. It is only about respecting the other parent. It isn’t the flip flops…doesn’t anyone see that?? And then she comes over with this fancy digital camera – an adult one – to take to school. She was going on a field trip, so whatever, right? Well, then she insisted on taking it the next day. She said her mom GAVE it to her because she bought a brand new one. so now of course Cassidy insists that she should be able to use MY camera whenever she wants. But thing is…I cannot afford a brand new camera so this one cannot get broken. Why does a kid need a nice digital camera anyway? Maybe I am just a jerk. I am just so tired of dealing with all this little stupid shit. Sometimes I am afraid I will just run away and never come back.

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I guess I am just being pathetic ole victim Heather today. I am emotional and angry and sick of feeling all of these things. And posting this will only make me look worse. But this is me today. This is honest. So, this is what I am sharing.

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

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