Category Archives: Recipes

A Carb-Free Miracle, For Reals (from Rayne Report)


I am not sure if I believe in miracles…but I will scream from the rooftop about these Miracle Noodles. Well, maybe I will just blog about it instead. I have quite the fear of heights and let’s face it – people already think I’m nuts.

Now, there ARE a few steps to follow and it will never be, feel or taste EXACTLY like pasta noodles. Get real if you’re living in THAT world. But I will assure you, I am a picky bitch when it comes to my grub and I was more than pleasantly surprised.

These “noodles” are made from a very high fiber plant grown in Asia often referred to askonjac or shirataki. They are virtually calorie and carb free. No fat. No dyes. No gluten. This particular fiber (called glucomannan) is said to have many health benefits. It is also very filling which helps for dieting and calorie control.

See the rest of the review at The Rayne Report….



That Self Loathing Time of Year Again…


Not much bloggin’ lately. I guess when I am not writing for Patch I am just not writing. Gesh, what do you people want from me??!! Yea right, as if anyone has noticed.

Well, let’s play a little ketchup. Oh, sorry. I am super hungry. I meant to say catch up.

Going through the whole weight and medication fiasco again. I am super frustrated and worried and quite frankly, pissed. If you are new to my blog – you can see these posts regarding past weight & body image issues (as tho they are past – NOT):

Anyway, long story short…

2003 – Just quit smoking and was between 140 & 145 (I am 5’6”)

2003 – Got preggo and gained 80+ pounds due to going on a beta blocker.

2004 – Had baby and lost some weight.

2007 – Went on Cymbalta.

2007-2010 – Could not lose a pound to save my life. Tried everything.

2010 – Went off Cymbalta, continued with same exercise and diet, lost 32 lbs in less than 3 months.

2011 – Stayed at same weight for almost a year…not too strict with diet tho and stopped logging food. Didn’t gain, but no further loss.

October 2011 – Went on Lamictal and have since gained 6 pounds.

All the docs said that the Cymbalta couldn’t be effecting my weight. Though I knew they were wrong. Clearly. Now my doc said the same about Lamictal and I am starting to feel that sense of failure again. Last week I started a super strict diet and increased my exercise – which was already a lot. I had a calorie differential of over 700-950 each day last week. I didn’t lose a single pound. FURIOUS.

So, I am considering going of the Lamictal. I don’t know how much it really helps me anyway. If anything I think it makes me less reactionary…not so ‘fly off the handle-ish’. But the major problems are still there – obsessive thinking, horrible self image, depression, lack of interest or motivation. But the thing is, going off Cymbalta was pure hell. I don’t want to go through that again. I also don’t want to fall into a deeper depression. But I REFUSE to ride that roller coaster of hard work and constant disappointment ever again!! It was just so defeating.

I just don’t know what else to do. I have about 1 month before boat time (if that) and 2 months until Charlies reunion (same High School, one year ahead). I have to lose this weight and I just don’t know what else I could possibly do. Now, this is a bad week if you know what I mean, ladies (wink wink…gag). So, I guess we will see if that makes a difference at my Monday weigh in a week from today. It better be HUGE.

I am so sick of feeling horrible about myself. I am always the ugliest in the room. Everyone is always thinner, far more talented, funnier, smarter and all around more appealing in every way. This is how I see the landscape of my life anytime I go ANYwhere. I feel like my clothes are ugly, my hair is awful, my skin is messed up and I am just way too fat. I absolutely cannot go on feeling like this day in and day out.

Anyway, I am back on SparkPeople, logging all my food and exercise. I am trying to keep my daily calories (with one cheat day a week…without going crazy of course) under 1300. I am on the dreadmill for 45-60 minutes 5-6 days a week. I do yoga or similar exercise on the Wii about 3-4 times a week for at least 15 minutes. Last week I was trying to drink 2 veggie smoothies (will put some ‘recipes’ below) a day, have a big ass salad and a lean cuisine for dinner. When hungry I eat some chicken breast, hard boiled egg, fat free popcorn or steamed vegetables. And I am logging everything into SparkPeople. I plan on continuing that this week as well.

I am also adding Chia Seed Gel to many dishes as well. It has no taste whatsoever and is suppose to make you feel full longer, not to mention a crap load of fiber, omega 3s and a bunch of other good for you crap.

I also have refurbished my MTWTFSS pill box (because I am fucking EIGHTY) with some very helpful advice from Sunday Muniz at Nutritional Designs. I have had to greatly increase my dosage of some things I was already taking – B12, Fish Oil and D3. I am also adding a couple and subtracting a couple from the routine.

I am going to give this a couple weeks. Maybe 2-3. If I still see NOTHING, I will likely start weaning off Lamictal. God help me.

Okay…gotta accomplish something now…something exciting…like laundry. Awesome.

Here are a couple of my concoctions:

In ALL the smoothies is the following:

About a shot of some healthy low sugar/cal drink

(I have used Bolthouse Farms varieties, Diet V8 Splash or 0 Calorie Sobe LifeWater)

½ or whole scoop of Designer Vanilla Whey Powder 

3 Tbsp of Chia Seed Gel

Dash of Cayenne Pepper

Dash of Stevia


Then you add a handful of 2 of the following: 

Raw Baby Spinach, Kale, Parsley (great diuretic, I am peeing constantly…I should get some Depends),

Mixed Greens, Lettuce, Cucumber, Carrots, Celery 


And about ¼ cup of two or three of the following:

Sliced Banana, Strawberries, Pineapple, Apple, Pear, Peaches – any fruit really.


I also will sometimes add a dash of either Coconut, Strawberry or Vanilla Extract.


A couple ice cubes and blend it up in the little Magic Bullet thingy.

I put a dab of Fat Free Redi Whip and drink away.

Truly are very good and SUPER healthy, low cal, low fat, high fiber.

Try it!! No. Seriously. Do it now or I will be pissed.

Potato Spinich Scramble – 156 Calorie Breakfast


 This was my oh so yummy breakfast this morning. And guess what, only 156 calories!!

 Spinich Potato Scramble is made super easily:

 1/2 cup fresh hash browns

1 tbsp of chopped onions

1 tsp EVOO

1 cup baby spinich

5 tbsp of Egg Beater egg whites

garlic powder, cayenne pepper, salt, black pepper and cooking spray

Coat pan, sautee browns, spinich, onions until brown and wilted. Add egg whites. Scramble, add spices and serve 🙂

Nutrition Facts

Spinich Potato Scramble

  Serving Size: 1 serving

Amount Per Serving
  Calories 155.7
  Total Fat 4.5 g
      Saturated Fat 0.6 g
      Polyunsaturated Fat 0.4 g
      Monounsaturated Fat 3.3 g
      Trans Fat 0.0 g
  Cholesterol 0.0 mg
  Sodium 181.9 mg
  Potassium 14.0 mg
  Total Carbohydrate 16.7 g
      Dietary Fiber 2.4 g
      Sugars 0.0 g
  Protein 8.9 g
  Vitamin A 24.4 %
  Vitamin B-12 0.0 %
  Vitamin B-6 0.0 %
  Vitamin C 13.6 %
  Vitamin D 0.0 %
  Vitamin E 2.8 %
  Calcium 1.8 %
  Copper 0.0 %
  Folate 0.0 %
  Iron 7.4 %
  Magnesium 0.0 %
  Manganese 0.0 %
  Niacin 0.0 %
  Pantothenic Acid     0.0 %
  Phosphorus     0.0 %
  Riboflavin 0.0 %
  Selenium 0.0 %
  Thiamin 0.0 %
  Zinc 0.0 %

Stuffin’ and Stuff

Stuffin’ and Stuff

stuffinAnd…on to the stuffing – or as some people call it, dressing. Dressing?? No. Dressing you put on a salad or something you do before you leave the house. It is not the delicious side dish on the majority of Thanksgiving tables. That would be stuffing even though it should never, ever be stuffed inside the holiday bird. Like I explained in my Turkey Blog, the stuffing needs to be baked separate from the turkey. Okay…so let’s get started…

First, what I want you to do is refrigerate an onion. Keep in it there an hour or so and this should reduce the tearful chopping.

Preheat oven to 325.

Time to get your chop on…get an apple, sweet (or vidalia) onion and celery and chop into desired size pieces. Some people like their onion and/or celery to be barely noticeable. I like the crunchy texture myself. Get yourself a nice skillet and coat the bottom with a lil bit of olive oil. Saute the chopped junk until they are soft and onions are translucent. Sprinkle with some sage and thyme and/or poultry seasoning. Salt and pepper, always, of course. Set aside in glass bowl.

Alrighty, now it is time for the tree huggin’ vegans to leave the room. Take a package of ground sausage – I suppose get any kind you want, but I get the Jimmy Dean (or similar) Mild or Sage. In the same pan, brown the meat. Do not beat the meat, because that is totally gross and inappropriate while cooking in the kitchen.

While meat is browning, prepare a package of sage and onion flavored stuffing mix (like those bags of Pepridge Farm) with desired broth (10.5 oz) and a half stick of melted butter. I usually add more salt and pepper. Sometimes garlic powder too.

Mix all together.

Spray muffin tins with Pam. (I got this part from Rachel Ray – Her Stuffin’ Muffins). And fill each muffin cup with the stuffing mixture. Using the muffin tins makes it different as well as gives each serving that best part – the browned crunchy top. If you do not like the muffin idea – a little to out of the box for ya…wild and crazy, I know – use a casserole dish instead and scooch the temp up to 350.

Bake until the top is browning – usually about 20 minutes or so.

Viola…best stuffing ever. You’re welcome.

Regardless of what you do or do not make correctly…I would like to wish you a Thanksgiving full of gratitude, joy, interesting conversation, fun family bickering, a beer or five, maybe some pot behind the garage, a shit load of pumpkin pie, absence of heartburn, well behaved children, lack of caloric thoughts, a mom who doesn’t nag about how much cleavage you are showing the world and most especially, a nap.

Enjoy…be safe…and have a swell Thanksgiving.

My Bird Can Beat Up Your Bird


While I am thankful (going to try to fit this word in as much as annoyingly possible in the next 2 days) I do not have to clean the house twice, cook for hours and have a shit load of dishes…I am pretty bummed that I will not be gracing our taste buds with my back pattingly good turkey. And because I would hate to see all those turkeys killed only to be ruined by neglectful cooks…I feel the obligation to share with you my turkey recipe. Say goodbye to that shoe leather your family usually chokes down…and you can thank me in Sephora, Old Navy and Victoria’s Secret gift cards.

First thing you need to know is that you must start this TODAY…so get off that bum and get to a local hardware store so you can buy a new, clean 5 gallon bucket. Please do not use the one in the garage which may or may not have had chipmunk poop or paint chips in it.

You will then rinse the turkey as usual and geez Louise…take out the innards sack. Then put the bird into the bucket. You will then fill the bucket with about one gallon of water, about a gallon of stock, a shit load of ice and about a cup or two of salt. Some people may choose to add spices such as peppercorns or allspice…I don’t bother. You will then put this bucket – cover it with plastic wrap or if it came with a cover, obviously, use that – and put it somewhere cold…like your back porch or garage. If you live in Florida (do you even HAVE Thanksgiving down there??) I don’t friggin know…make room in the fridge I suppose. It will sit in this brine for approximately 12 hours. If it is 8 hours, that’s fine. 16 hours, also fine. Just make sure it is a long ass time.

Tomorrow, take the bucket and dump out the water…to be honest, I dump it in the bushes so that turkey spudge doesn’t splash up into my face or counter as I try this in the sink. Time to prepare. Preheat to 500. Yes, 500. Rinse the turkey and pat dry. Place in your pan, on a rack preferably. Now it is time to stuff the gobbler. And this is probably thee most important part. Do not…I repeat…DO NOT stuff that bird with stuffing!!!! It ruins the stuffing AND the bird. It sucks up the turkey juices making the meat dry. And it turns the stuffing into a mushy breeding ground for holiday ecoli (and those are the worst kind because they are usually drunk and start fights at the dinner table…much like Aunt Helen). 

You will be stuffing your turkey with flavorful items. I use apples, onions and spices (typically cinnamon stick, thyme, sage…). You could go the citrus route and use oranges and lemons. But my way is better. Take these items and put them in a bowl with a little water. Microwave for a couple minutes. Then using tongs, place the items in the turkey’s ass.

Slather the bird with either olive or canola oil. Salt and pepper.

You will then roast the turkey for 30 minutes at 500 degrees. After this, take out the turkey and insert a thermometer in the breast. Do not trust that pop up thingy. Once in, LEAVE IT. Do not move it or take it out, you will lose the juices. Turn the oven down to 350 and roast until temp reads 160. Do not open the oven to baste the bird. This is unnecessary and lets out the heat which needs to remain consistent. When you do check after about 2 hours, do it quickly.

Once temp reaches 160, take the bird out, cover with aluminum foil and let it rest. Do NOT take out the thermometer or pop up thing. Do NOT cut the bird. It must rest for at least 15 minutes to remain juicey lucy.

Carve it up and graciously accept your many compliments.

Later…my stuffing recipe which is also better than yours.

Wink wink…nudge nudge. Have a swell day!!!

Is My Protein Shake Make Aheadable (yes, its a word…to me)??


Okay…so…I make this protein shake just about everyday before I exercise. But that usually isn’t until around noon. I NEED to start making myself eat breakfast. I have known this for a long time, but I am just never hungry in the morning. But that is only because my eating schedule is so messed up. Now that I will be working, I know I will be tempted to just go to work (11am) on an empty stomach. Considering the fact that not only will I need the energy to be running around like a 20 year old again…but ALSO I will be working at a place which serves delicious cheeseburgers and beloved nachos. Recipe. For. Disaster.

So, I need to start making this shake before work. As my breakfast. And I know it will make it a lot more doable if I can make it ahead of time. However, I am not sure the combo of ingredients would “grossify” in any way if it sits over night or for a few days. If anyone out there can lend some knowledge, I sure would appreciate it 🙂

Here is my very own made up protein shake recipe and the nutritional info below: 

4 oz Bolthouse Green Goodness Juice

1 Scoop 100 Calorie Whey Protein – I like vanilla best

2 Tbs of Fat Free Organic Vanilla Yogurt

1 Tbs of Ground Flax

Dash of Cayenne Pepper

4-5 Ice Cubes

Blend all together in a Magic Bullet or similar blender…1 Serving

// ]]>// //
// ]]>// Click here to find out more!

Nutrition Facts

Heather’s Easy Protein Shake

  Serving Size: 1 serving
Amount Per Serving
  Calories 247.5
  Total Fat 3.8 g
      Saturated Fat 1.0 g
      Polyunsaturated Fat 0.0 g
      Monounsaturated Fat 0.0 g
      Trans Fat 0.0 g
  Cholesterol 55.0 mg
  Sodium 120.0 mg
  Potassium 227.5 mg
  Total Carbohydrate 29.8 g
      Dietary Fiber 2.5 g
      Sugars 23.5 g
  Protein 24.2 g
  Vitamin A 61.0 %
  Vitamin B-12 0.0 %
  Vitamin B-6 0.0 %
  Vitamin C 53.5 %
  Vitamin D 0.0 %
  Vitamin E 0.0 %
  Calcium 15.0 %
  Copper 0.0 %
  Folate 0.0 %
  Iron 10.6 %
  Magnesium 0.0 %
  Manganese 0.0 %
  Niacin 0.0 %
  Pantothenic Acid     0.0 %
  Phosphorus     0.0 %
  Riboflavin 0.0 %
  Selenium 0.0 %
  Thiamin 0.0 %
  Zinc 0.0 %


// // //