2020 was designated (by only myself, but still) to be The Year of Heather. 2019 was rough and many changes were made. Two surgeries (elective but with the intent to improve my health and quality of life) one of which required a long, shitty recovery, lost a job, started a new job, remodeled a kitchen, acquired two tiny kittens who appeared on my doorstep, massive resurgence of an anxiety disorder, newly diagnosed thyroid issues, and some life altering GI problems.
2020 is the year I turn 46. My father died at age 46. I want to be sure to live as much as I can while I can. Life is short as fuck regardless of when you croak and I really want to at least attempt to make the best of every moment. So, I was absolutely determined to make 2020 MY year. “I am going to have fun, really live, enjoy the little things, and just soak up life as much as I can”. This was my declaration.
Well, clearly shit ain’t going as planned. Like some kind of cosmic practical joke – life is actually fighting me with all of its might. Obviously, this isn’t just happening to me. This is affecting the entire world and I realize that, so far, have it better than many others. So, I would be a massive asshole to complain. But, we all get to have our asshole moments once in a while, right? RIGHT??
Shortly prior to being imprisoned in our homes, I was prescribed a very restrictive diet to get my digestive system back on track. I was experiencing some pretty severe pain otherwise I probably would have waited so that I could stuff my face with crusty bread and all the tacos while watching the world burn. The diet is making a huge difference in my symptoms so it would be stupid to postpone feeling better. And I really don’t want to end up in the ER during a viral pandemic. So I am now gluten free and low FODMAP (no onion, garlic, cauliflower, apples, fructose, beans, and a bunch of other shit). I used garlic and onion in EVERYTHING. I put Penzey’s Fox Point on EVERYTHING. Saying goodbye is bleak AF.
Now we are locked up. I am not getting paid and no idea if I will have a job after this. Charlie is still working which causes me immense anxiety. At this point, if Cassidy and I were to get sick – it will be because of something he brings home. So, while we need the income, I cannot help but to resent his job with a fiery anger. We have also had to heartbreakingly cancel our beautiful Florida seaside vacation for the end of this month. Needless to say, as privileged as we are, it still sucks ass.
Each day there are more and more stories about young, healthy people dying from Covid19. And the people who do not die, go through an absolutely horrific illness – the likes of which I cannot imagine and feel I could not survive. As I write this, 58, 004 have died around the globe and 6921 in America alone. This is in just a matter of two months. Doctors are having to choose who lives and who dies because there are not enough space or supplies. Medications to keep patients somewhat comfortable as they die are running out. Bodies are having to be stored in refrigerated semi trucks because there is no room in the morgues. And medical professionals on the front lines are getting sick and dying because they are not protected. For some goddamn reason, the richest most wonderful country in the world cannot keep inexpensive gear on the shelves for hospital staff.
Our government couldn’t possibly be more ill-equip or ill-behaved. We have a President who is a clear sociopath with the intellect of a spoiled 7 year old. And for some reason, there are zero adults in the room. Everyone fears this orange blowhard and we are all being sacrificed because of ego, greed, and stupidity.
This is an extremely terrifying time. The most terrifying I have certainly ever experienced. And, yes, I have had to go back to taking anxiety medication in order to function.
So, today, on April 3rd, 2020 – my 46th birthday…it is looking less and less like The Year of Heather and more like a scene from The Walking Dead. My hope has dwindled to nearly zero. I have had to make plans for where Cassidy would go if we were to be hospitalized or die. I am stocked with any supplies that I hope would help, but probably wouldn’t. Mackenzie is a CNA currently working on the Covid floor in Milwaukee which clearly scares the shit out of me. I feel doom much of the time.
Yet, I look out of my bedroom window and see the sunshine attempting to make a presence and that brings me a small spark of joy. I have my four kitties laying here, happy and content in their furry cuteness and that makes me smile. I am hunkered down in a 1300 sq foot home with my stubborn husband and 15 year old daughter and we have not yet murdered one another. I am excited to watch the season premier of Real Housewives of New York as soon as I am done writing this entry. We are getting take out for dinner tonight so I do not have to cook. I am really appreciating not having to wear makeup, bras, or even pants if I don’t feel like it (disclosure – I never ever feel like it). So, I guess the end of the world has some benefits?
Maybe The Year of Heather is going to turn out to be more about transition. Because it is inevitable that life as we know it will be changed forever. Our politics may change. Our economy will certainly change. Our healthcare system MUST change. I am truly hoping that our perspective and humanity will change. Perhaps I should be grateful for, if I live through this, the opportunity to be a part of a whole new way of life – a shift in mankind.
Today, Bill Withers died. I had a dream last night and in that dream I was trying to remember his name and I just couldn’t spit it out. But in my head I knew it was him. Weird shit like that happens to me sometimes. I also dreamed about Charles Schultz passing the night before. There never seems to be any real rhyme or reason to it. Anyway, this is not only my favorite song by Withers but one of my all time favorites ever. Maybe, the lesson here is to find a way to have a Lovely Day even when in the midst of devastation and dread.
Ramblings of a Neurotic Housewife 