Excuse Me While I Feel This Doom

On Election Night in November 2016, I was at a results watching party with the Racine County Dems. Very early in the evening, I knew. I knew what was coming. In fact, I knew months before that. I had been in therapy and most of my sessions leading up to the election were filled with fears and anxiety over what I knew what was to come. My therapist said she believed that there was no way our country would allow for a Trump win. She was certain we would have a different outcome. I just could not share her optimism. So, on that November night, I started crying and left the party. People were kind but they seemed to think I was just being pessimistic. The truth is – I felt something different from a normal defeat. I felt doom.

Throughout the past 3 years, I have come to the conclusion and declared out loud more than once that many people will have to die in order for anything to change. The people who support him, his policies, and other far right winged ideologies simply do not care about issues until they happen directly to them. Good people being deported & detained, uninsured people dying unnecessarily, black people being killed for being black, rape victims being made to carry out a pregnancy, wages remaining stagnant while CEOs get tax breaks – none of these things would be seen or cared about unless and until they directly affected these supporter’s households. And those effects wouldn’t necessarily be realized for years to come – so it still wouldn’t make enough of a difference. I believed it would take something horrible to open enough eyes. Never ever would I have guessed it would be a pandemic – especially to this degree. Even my asshole brain couldn’t come up with this scenario.

For a while, I was hopeful that, through this horrific tragedy, things would change. I thought maybe this would be the catalyst for real progress, compassion, an overall change in perspective and humanity. From the availability to healthcare to worker’s rights to public safety to prioritizing funds to a worldwide respect free of xenophobia and nationalism – so much possibility for a true ‘come to Jesus moment’ for all of society.

Sadly, my hope for that is fading. And I actually see it going in the complete opposite direction. Corporations and politicians have all of the control. Millions of deaths aren’t even enough to shift the focus from greed. They have convinced their lemmings that economy is the be all end all. They have them convinced that less convenience, less shopping, less money is a greater tragedy than the loss of lives. They convinced them that being asked to do simple things to benefit the whole of society was somehow a threat to their freedoms. They convinced them that the virus was not real or bad enough to worry about, that the numbers were lies – everyone was lying. I am not sure what makes these people so prone to this control when they act as if being controlled is their biggest fear. It is really quite ironic. Being asked to stay home until things are safe doesn’t mean you will never be able to leave again. Being asked to forgo some luxuries doesn’t mean you will being living in your car. Demanding haircuts and entry to TJ Maxx while thousands are dying each day – what makes that okay in any rational brain?

So, now businesses are opening up. Because of this, people are being forced to go back to work even if they feel unsafe and fearful. If someone feels in their gut that it isn’t yet safe enough to return to work and refuse to do so, they will likely lose their job. There are even businesses that are not ALLOWING their employees to wear masks, let alone all of the businesses that, for some stupid fucking reason, aren’t requiring it. Hundreds of meat processing employees have contacted Covid and have died. Yet they refuse to shut down plants and make significant changes to keep employees safe. Our President was on Twitter this very morning demanding that the state of California let Tesla open their factory – as if that motherfucker is running out of funds.

Citizens and workers are disposable. Our health and safety means nothing to the powers that be. It is all about the dollar and I can see now that even the worst thing that could happen won’t change that. The CEO of AT&T (where my husband works as a Technician) “retired” last week. His retirement package gifts him $250k a month for The. Rest. Of. His. Life. Yet employees are having their hazard pay taken away this week. They go into people’s homes everyday – endangering their health, the health of their families, and the health of their customers. But no more hazard pay. It is all okay now. Nothing to see here. Approximately 2000 people died yesterday in the United States. That’s all. (Please sign and share this petition.)

I was told I have to be back to work on May 25th. Our city was reported just yesterday to have the 8th fastest rising Covid cases in the entire nation. Our office is close quarters with a shared restroom. I have a co-worker just a couple of feet behind me and patients a couple of feet in front of me. I work the front desk in a plastic surgery department. I was told that measures are being taken to make everyone safe. But this virus is unrelenting. I have not even been going to stores. I have not been anywhere public in months. I am absolutely terrified. And I know so many others who are in the same exact position. I am fairly lucky because so many people do not have the privileges that I have. Many people have to work in conditions that are deplorable. Many people do not have access to masks. Many people do not have HOMES to stay home in. Many people have no access to healthcare. Even with my intense anxiety and fear, I am more fortunate than many others.

It is not freedom when people have to choose between their income and their safety. None of this is about freedom. It is about the most privileged in society demanding that the most vulnerable risk their well-being for convenience and comforts. People are going to die because others wanted haircuts, botox, cheesecake…families will suffer because they have to choose health over a paycheck. Opening up isn’t about helping the average Joe or the Mom and Pop businesses. It is about pleasing those who would have remained very, very rich no matter what.

I feel hopeless right now. I feel disappointed. I feel afraid. I feel doom.