Monthly Archives: December 2013

Religiously Patriotic


When I hear people speak as though the human race should live their lives by the word of the Bible, I cannot help but be concerned with their mental stability. I mean, really. Is it not a little loony tunes to think that some book written a bagillion years ago should be taken literally and word for word? A book with such ambiguity and symbolism – are we really expected to all interpret it the exact same way?

The Bible Tells Me So:

  • And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you.  Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.

Eating ham or playing football? You’re one filthy ass hellbound motherfucker.

  • Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

You know that tattoo of your deceased mother covering your shoulder-blade? You might want to get some adjoining flames on that to go with your future decor. And that fellatio enhancing tongue piercing? That is double hell for you, dirty birdy.

  • Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

Only square-headed people allowed. Everyone in heaven looks exactly like SpongeBob.

  • He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Um. Yea. Screwed in this life and the next. I’d start wearing a cup or living in a bubble if I were you.

  • Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God.

Defiled by wizards. (Sigh) I’m just going to leave that one in the rectory.

  • When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

Because this CLEARLY happens so often. If your husband gets into a scuffle with a drunk neighbor and is getting his ass kicked – don’t even THINK about jumping in to help by attacking the dude’s junk, you violent whore.

  • “And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.”

Does your man always defend his mother even though she insults you and is probably hiring a hitman to knock you off? Well…DUH! Mere survival, man.

  • Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.

Remarried? You cheatin’ bastard.

  • “Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people. Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death.

                Nurses, doctors, police officers, fire fighters, all of the football players you drool over every week…                                 DIE, SINNERS, DIE!!!!! (oh, and don’t forget, they’re thugs too)

  • Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

Fuck you.

  • And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:  They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.

Remember Bubba Gump Shrimp? Run, Forrest, Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:  Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father’s house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.

Not enough stones in the world…just the Ray-town hoes alone would cause a shortage (and I say HOES affectionately since I’d likely be considered  a member of the club).

Okay, okay. I went on and on. But you get my point, right? Whether you are religious or not, the Bible is old, archaic, out-of-date, barbaric and just does not make sense as a set of rules in our day and age. Common sense, is it not?

I gotta say, I feel much the same way about the Constitution and Bill of Rights. I feel that those who think that those rules and judgments apply today in the same way they did hundreds of years ago are living in fairy tale land. I am reminded of this after every shooting when the 2nd Amendment is echoed as a defense for gun accessibility.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

How does this translate to anyone with half a brain to mean that any jag off with a little penis can hoard machine guns and rocket launchers?? No. Just, no. And if you think it does, you’re an idiot.

Rules, policies, procedures…everything progresses (or should) with time and growth. When we know better, we should do better. And in most aspects in life – that tends to happen naturally or at least logically. When new medical treatments are discovered, procedures change. When the human race develops new needs, we find ways to meet them.

To think that we should follow – word for word – a set of rules and principles penned over 200 years ago is unrealistic and cumbersome. It is holding us back and it is giving those who want us held back an anchor on which to base their ignorance.

Just like in the Bible – there is a lot of good and well-meaning shit in those documents. Stuff that will hold meaning and reason forever. But we need to get out the red pen and start editing a little more generously. Instead of stapling tea bags to your hats or stomping around claiming to be patriots – how about ya open your eyes and realize it is almost 20-friggin-14. Can we do that, maybe? Huh??

It really makes me think…there isn’t much difference between religion and patriotism. They both have their good points and respectable qualities. But they also both have dangerous and unreasonable aspects. It is a shame, really.



Showtime’s ‘Time of Death’ – Ummm WOW.


If you know me or read my shit, you know I am often overly sensitive. I am empathic and have my own mental issues and because of this, typical life occurrences – even when they are not happening to me directly – affect me more than the “average bear”.

My daughter (9) walked in while I was watching the new Showtime series, Time of Death. She may have noticed tears in my eyes and asked me what I was watching. I told her it was a show about very sick people who are dying. Her reply was the same exact reply most of my friends and family would give, “Why would you want to watch that?!”

Not only am I an emotional person, but, as some of you may know, I have an almost obsessive phobia of death. Much of my anxiety comes from this stupid (sometimes crippling) fear. So, most people who know me would tell me to stop watching stuff like this. But I can’t. And I don’t want to. I watch documentaries and read books about death, dying, afterlife, etc. And while some might think this only perpetuates my fears, it truly does not. It’s kinda like exposure therapy, I suppose. So quit telling me what to watch, damnit! Gesh.

Time of Death is a truly remarkable 6 part series (really hoping there will be more) that follows the end of life for a couple of different people in each episode. And throughout all of the episodes, there is one continuing story that deals with a family whose 48-year-old mother is dying from cancer. During this series, you really get to know this family and their struggles.

Maria was a single mother of 3 children – 2 teenagers and 1 adult daughter. The filmmakers do some brief interviews, but it is mostly just a view into their daily lives – some footage taken with handheld cameras carried by Little, the 25-year-old (very beautiful, strong and intelligent) daughter. During the time of their filming, Maria’s teen children struggled with their dire circumstances by lashing out. And the older daughter had not only the challenge of her mother’s illness and impending death, but also taking on the responsibility of younger siblings.

This family did not hold back. They were honest and raw. And they allowed us to watch; subsequently growing from their experiences. I have such admiration and respect for Little and her mother. And my heart goes out to the kids, whom even though they were making terrible choices, did they best they knew how at the time. They were scared and angry and they simply didn’t know how to process those emotions. And I do not doubt they will live with some regret. I say this due to my own personal experience with my father who died at 46 – after our long estrangement.

I finished watching episode 5 two nights ago and I still cannot get them out of my mind. In that episode, Maria died. And even though everyone watching was expecting that outcome – I mean, obviously – I suppose I wasn’t ready for it quite yet. I wanted her to have more time with her family. Quality time. Without the illness caused by the chemo and radiation. I wanted her to have the chance to have her younger kids come home from foster care before she left this earth. I wanted her to find peace while still here.

But that just isn’t how life plays out much of the time. We don’t all get Hollywood endings with closure and reconciliation. Life can be ugly and gross and full of bullshit. Death, equally so. I suppose it is our job to find the beauty, meaning and essence in both when we can; and cross our fingers and count on others when we can’t.

Below are two clips from the show. And below that is the first full episode. I dare you not to be riveted and emotionally exposed. I dare you not to care about these people and really think about what is TRULY important in your own life.




Free full episode: