Monthly Archives: March 2014

Freaking the Hell Out

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I am 10 days away from surgery. This sucks balls. Actually, I wish I HAD balls because none of this would be happening at all. Men have it so easy, I swear. I protest the inequality of gender based body parts!!! I’ll start workin’ on a chant…

My uterus is being evicted and hopefully it will not steal valuable piping on its way out. Uterus and cervix are both going. Leaving ovaries but cysts on them may be removed. We know that I have one intramural golf ball sized fibroid, adenomyosis and ovarian cysts. Often times they find more once in there because the ultrasound can only see so much. So, if there are no other issues and everything goes smoothly, the surgery should take about 2 hours using the DaVinci Robotic method.

The Dr. (the gyno I have had for over a decade) who was to perform my surgery sadly broke his leg and will be out of work for a few months. Because of this, I had to reschedule with the one other Dr. at that hospital who does the DaVinci. I was very freaked out and worried about this. I even took it as a sign that I was not supposed to have this procedure. But I met with the new Dr. and was impressed with the time he spent with me, his patience (let’s face it…I can be quite annoying) and his confidence. I think he may be my first Dr. who is younger than me. That does not thrill me – but purely for vanity reasons.

If you know me, you know I sometimes have a tendency to obsess and panic. Well, my brain has definitely decided to focus on a particular fear and, like a rabid pit bull, will not let go for anything. DVTs/Blood Clots/Pulmonary Embolism. Yep. My brain will not stop worrying about this possibly complication. This is a possibility with any surgery, but more so with abdominal surgery. And I am freaking the fuck out. Dying and leaving Cassidy behind is unfathomable to me. Can’t have it. And every single day – at LEAST once – I think about cancelling. To me, being miserable some times is far better than being dead. But I guess that is a silly way to look at it. At least, that is what they are telling me.

I have always had this fear, but now that I am actually facing the possibility of having it happen – my phobia is through the roof. And what sucks, it really isn’t all that uncommon of a complication. In fact, many surgeons around the country and in other countries give prophylactic ¬†blood thinners to prevent them. Some Drs do and some don’t. Mine do not. It seems as though it is controversial and the medical community doesn’t fully agree on the most appropriate procedures. Some surgeons are more worried about bleeding and others, clots. Personally, having read so many stories, it seems that bleeding complications are far less fatal than pulmonary embolisms. I guess I would rather risk a bleed. So yea. I need to let go of this really soon because it is driving me bonkers.

I have been listening to some pre-surgery guided meditations and it does help. Also just trying to relax as much as possible. This is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I have thought and it has been mentioned to me that seeking out spiritual advice may help with my fears – especially about dying. Because I waste far too much time worrying about being dead to actually enjoy living. This needs to change. STAT. I am going to talk to a few people from different spiritual backgrounds and hopefully this may help.

My wonderful MOFO lady friends had a lovely dinner party for me last weekend. It was so nice – soups, salads, bread, wine, deserts and a lot of great support. I am so lucky to have a group of women like them in my life. My husband and mom have also been helpful and will be taking care of me post-op. They are both kind of on the…ummm…less emotional side. So I do hope they can be supportive when I need it most and when I may be difficult to deal with.

It has been a little surprising who has been outwardly supportive (is inwardly supportive even a thing?) and who has not. I am not bothered by it. Some people just aren’t like that. But even the smallest shreds of compassion or warmheartedness have and will mean so much to me for a very long time – likely forever. You just don’t forget shit like that.

Well, that is enough blabbering on and on about shit no one cares about for now. I will talk at ya later.