I have been pretty introspective lately. Something on my mind is a pretty repetitive trend in my usual thinking. I am constantly trying to figure out what the hell my problem is and how to fix it. 37 years and I am still not sure of either. But I can’t help but feel I am getting closer each year.
Since I am taking much less medication, my anxiety has peeked out its head here and there in the past months. Not situational, freaking out anxiety. Actually, things have been pretty calm. But it is the general anxiety of which I am always suffering at some degree. I have been trying very hard to just ride it out when it happens, to try to let it go. Easier said than done, that is for sure.
There are nights I lay here and THEE worst thoughts will pop into my head. I will have an image of Cassidy falling off her top bunk onto a pile of naked Barbies and colored pencils. I will picture myself having a stroke and missing my my family’s future. I dread situations which I am always sure will happen from disease to accidents to anything else horrible that happens to people every day. I have to talk myself out of these thoughts and try to distract myself with comedic TV.
I argue with my rational self all of the time. People die and get injured and sick all of the time. Regardless of age or health or lifestyle…it is just what happens. It is a part of life. I hear stories about little kids with fatal diseases or young mothers dying of cancer. I think to myself, “Why have I been so lucky?” And worse, “When will my luck run out?”
I can be a negative whiney pants much of the time – don’t think I do not realize that. What you may not realize – because some times I don’t realize – is that I feel truly blessed.
I have a husband who many women would love to have. Yea, he can be annoying as all hell. But his positives FAR outweigh anything I can complain about. And he totally and completely loves me for exactly who I am. Even when we fight, it doesn’t last long. He works hard and is a loyal provider. He cleans and is a wonderful father. He knows how to fix shit. I have never and will never have to worry about his faithfulness. I trust him entirely. And he lets me be me and do what I do with little argument (some, but not too much lol).
The kids are healthy (yes, I am knocking the shit out of all the wood around me) and happy. They are smart and compassionate. They are polite and tough. And even at their worst – they are far better than most kids…sorry, but they are 🙂 Mackenzie is creative and smart and sweet. If she stays the course – she will be in for great things. She has been able to adjust to many changes and instabilities. I think she will do just fine.
When I look at Cassidy I am simply amazed that she came from me. She IS a little me. She looks how I looked at her age, she has the same humor and she has this whole potentially wonderful life ahead of her. It is kinda like watching me starting over. There are times my mind is officially blown. As very very sad as I am about not having more children, I am FULL of gratitude for the one I have. She is really just my goofy ball of love.
I have a modest but comfy home. I have cable and good food and a nice car. I have clothes to wear, a computer to use and cats to snuggle. At the moment I have a writing gig which – while doesn’t pay much – does give me extra money to pay down our debt while still being able to be here when the kids need me to be. Getting paid for writing is something I never thought would happen for me.
The point here was not to brag – I promise!! I am proving my awareness I suppose. I am also illustrating why my mental problems some time take over my rational thought process. You see, I don’t think that my mind is allowing me to be happy. It is creating these anxieties and depressions and obsessions because a part of my consciousness thinks I shouldn’t be happy. I have all these great things and people in my life. I have been so blessed and lucky and fortunate. So, either I am unknowingly sabotaging myself OR I am too frightened that the ball will soon drop.
I do realize this is all a symptom of my stinkin’ thinkin’. Magical thinking some would call it. I also know that maybe (if I stick to my magical thoughts) I have simply earned some happiness and some good. I have been through a shit storm of shitty shit shit in my life. More than I talk about here. More than most people know. So maybe it is finally my turn at happiness. But how can I enjoy it if I am constantly waiting for the anvil to fall upon my worried little head?
But I argue with myself and convince myself that I am not worthy of a disease free, injury free, drama free life. I convince myself that even Steve Jobs couldn’t invent himself out of cancer. Innocent little children cannot earn their way out of St. Jude’s. Why would I deserve any better for very much longer??
Do you see this circular bullshit I am talking about?? Its exhausting.
But as frustrating as it can be…I do feel I am progressing. I see a therapist every few weeks and she is really helpful. Her style is exactly what I need. And I really respect her. Its not that friendly kind of relationship I had with my last therapist – which I do miss a lot. But it is probably better this way. I worry less about what she thinks of me that way. Like I mentioned, I am take a smidgen of the medication I took only months ago and feel healthier for it. I think I am more accepting than ever too. But I do still have a ways to go.
I have just been typing like a crazy person (der)…I can imagine how blabbering this post must seem. I am not even going to edit it because I will just end up deleting most of it. I rarely make the time to blog anymore and I will be damned if this ends up being a complete waste.
Basically what this whole clusterfuck has been about is this…I have the makings of real true happiness and a fabulous life. However my mind either wants to protect me by making it less great (because if it isn’t great, the ball won’t have to drop) OR it doesn’t think I deserve the happiness for which I have been striving.
Totally mental. And with that – time to hit the sack and watch some mindless reality television.
Night y’all – talk at ya soon.