~Phil Hartman “NewsRadio”
When I was a child, I listened as a child. I spoke as a child. And I acted as a child. When I became a man, I took that child aside and I shot him.

~Today Show
Wow. Imagine the surprise! A baby flies into your backyard!!

~Jeff Lewis “Flipping Out”
There are people out there who don’t have dogs but say they do.

~Kathy Griffin “My Life on the D-List”
I see your wheels spinning. And by that I mean wheel.

~Greg Pikitis “Parks and Recreation”
I’m not crying! I’m allergic to jerks.

~Ellen Muth “Dead Like Me”
Death has a way of cleaning up a girl’s reputation.

~Ryan Cutrona “Mad Men”
Be happy with what you have. You’re a house cat. You are very important and have very little to do.

~Joel McHale “The Soup”
She finally decided to go down the waterslide…and died from wedgie related complications.

~Kevin Nelon “Weeds”
Andy, I smuggled her here. I think that merits cockamole on her facadia.

~Cassidy Geyer
Mom, can you get me some water? Dad doesn’t like me drinking out of the sink.

~James Roday “Psych”
It’s alright Dennis. You looked like a bad ass until you clocked yourself in the face.

~Kyra Sedgwick “The Closer”
For Heaven’s sake. If we all stopped lying to each other how would we ever get to the truth?!

~Dane Cook
Okay. Are you trying to molest me via drive-thru?

Jon Stewart “The Daily Show”
I will finally be able to marry a stem cell illegal alien!

~James Roday “Psych”
I mean, if he wakes up one day and he’s Howard Jones…I’m like ‘Dude! Things can only get better’.

~Hugh Laurie “House, M.D.”
I used to drive home after getting drunk. But some mothers got mad-d-d.

~Minnie Driver “The Riches”
Doug, it’s eerie. Sometimes you seem to know what I’m thinkin’ without me even havin’ a thought in my head.

~some kid on The Principal’s Office
I like to put people in head locks for fun.

~Jennifer Morrison “House, M.D.”
I don’t sleep with everyone who is better than Hitler.

~Bob Madden of Lazer 103
Cardboard is just like metal if you paint it silver.

~Shea Whigham “Wristcutters: A Love Story”
Cause everybody knows guy in the back seat doesn’t have a cock.

~Ellen Page “Juno”
She gave you… your own room in… in your whole house? For your… for your stuff? Wow, she’s got you on a long leash, Mark.

~Rainn Wilson “Juno”
That ain’t no Etch A Sketch. This is one doodle that can’t be undid, Homeskillet.

~Tom Wilkinson “A Good Woman”
Every saint has a past, every sinner a future.

~John Scruti “Rescue Me”
“Screw onto others as they have screwed onto you.”

~Hugh Laurie “House MD”
Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues.

~Brandi Carlile “The Story”
You’re such a classic waste of cool.

~Joel McHale “The Soup”
Dr. Kevorkian was on Larry King this week – which had to be pretty tempting for him.

~Carrie Fisher
Vengeance is for people who haven’t the patience for karma.

~Paris Hilton
I plan on taking a more active role in the decisions I make.

~Minnie Driver “The Riches”
Wayne. Its kinda hard to have hopes and dreams when you’re just trying to survive.

~Eddie Izzard “The Riches”
Life is too short to work for assholes – remember that.

~James MacCaffrey “Rescue Me”
The fact that you even HAVE a face repertoire makes you suspect.

Lauren Ambrose “Six Feet Under”
Well, isn’t it comforting to know that being miserable is still better than being an idiot?

Michael C Hall “Six Feet Under”
You looked so intense, the way you pointed your little alarm thingy at your car, like, “F*** you, car, now you’re locked.”

~Rachel Griffiths “Six Feet Under”
The future is just a f-ing concept that we use to avoid living today.

~Jim Gaffigan
Its so hard to find time to work out when you… just dont want to.

~William H. Macy “Thank You for Smoking”
The great state of Vermont will not apologize for its cheese!!

~Helen Hunt “A Good Woman”
It takes practice and skill to live without regret.

~”Its Always Sunny in Philapelphia”
Politics are just one big ass blast.

~Helen Hunt “A Good Woman”
If we are always guided by other people’s thoughts, what’s the point of having our own?

~Greg Kinnear “As Good as it Gets”
The best thing you hae going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.

~Ashton Kutcher “That 70s Show”
I’m what they call ‘man pretty’.

~Sean Hayes “Will and Grace”
That color really brings out my ass!

~Kevin Nuernberger
Religion is for people who are afraid of Hell. Spirituality is for those who have seen it.

~Rita Rudner
I had such bad buckteeth that I use to eat other kids’ candy bars by accident.

~Kevin Nelon “SNL”
…because at US Air, we learn something from every crash.

~Charlie Geyer
You gotta be careful when you’re biting someone!

~Stacey Keach “Titus”
Once upon a time…….your dog got hit by a car this morning.

~Janine Garafolo “Clay Pigeons”
A murder scene is not really crowd appropriate.

~Diedrich Bader “Drew Carey Show”
What are we suppose to do now? If I don’t feel sorry for you, Idon’t think I feel ANYthing for you.

~Marge Simpson “The Simpsons”
So…you want to go on tour with a traveling freak show…

~Jason Alexander “Seinfeld”
Nah..my money is all tied up in change right now.

~Sean Hayes “Will and Grace”
If my closet were like this, I never would have come out of it!

~Kim (Frei) Emmrich
One time, after the nuclear holacaust, a flick of a Bic will bevery very valuable.

~Topher Grace “That 70s Show”
I welcome your insane behavior and critisism.

~Homer Simpson “The Simpsons”
Apu..? Do you have any of the potato chips that give you diarrhea? Its time for some spring cleanin!

~Shane Hill
I think I..uh…caught a bad case of cancer or something.

~Kam Marshall
Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.

~Homer Simpson “The Simpsons”
Okay…I’m going to let you in on something…but you gotta keepit more secret than I did.

~Kurtwood Smith “That 70s Show”
Well, with the way he’s been stinkin up his life, death will bea sweet release.

~Madeline Stowe “Last of the Mohicians”
I’d rather make the gravest of mistakes than surrender my own judgment.

~Kim (Frei) Emmrich
I was chewing and I got distracted.

~Homer Simpson “The Simpsons”
Without TV its hard to tell when one day ends and another begins.

~Jon Lovitz “Friends”
Well slap my ass and call me Judy.

~Gena Rowlands “Hope Floats”
Its the worst kind of extravagance the way you spend your chances.

~Lisa Kudrow “Friends”
We thought you were different….but I guess it was just the coma.

~M. Geisler
A gimlet ago…

~David Hyde Pierce “Fraiser”
She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

~Phil Hartman “NewsRadio”
You barfed in the punch bowl from which we all drank and now youexpect us to believe its alphabet soup.

~Jamie Lee Curtis “A Fish Called Wanda”
I’ve known sheep that can outwit you.

~Homer Simpson “The Simpsons”
I’ve learned that life is just one big crushing defeat after another until Flanders is dead.

~Paula Poundstone
You’re suing your mom? Wow. I didn’t know you could do that. Like an idiot, I’ve just been going to therapy.

~Rosanne ? “Roseanne”
Were sugar and spice and everything nice…so bite me.

~Steven Wright
I am a periphial visionary. I can see into the future, but onlyoff to the sides.

~Bill Maher “Politically Incorrect”
We were fighting an army that almost surrendered to the CBS newscrew.

~Indigo Girls
We must love while these moments are still called today.

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the floor.

~Calista Flockhart “Ally McBeal”
I’m fine. I’m used to getting dumped, remember? Think back. Thisisn’t pain I’m feeling. It’s nostalgia.

~OB/GYN Nurse
I’ll be right back after I taste your urine.

~Cartman “South Park”
Behold my Patrick Duffy leg.

~David Spade “Just Shoot Me”
If you’re waiting for a hug, you better pack a lunch.

~Bebe Newirth “Cheers”
You have a marvelous grasp of the obvious.

~Jack Nicholson “As Good as it Gets”
People who speak in metaphors ought to shampoo my crotch.

~Jason Alexander “Seinfeld”
You can stuff your sorries in a sack mister!

~Jenny Belland
My first words were…’please stop shaking me!!’

~Joel Belland
Did you walk to school or did you bring your lunch?

~Jenny Belland
Where did you say I was again?

Racine is so quiet you can hear dreams die.

~Tony Hale “Arrested Development”
I decided to sleep in the car so my snoring wouldn’t bother you…and I left a recording of my snoring so you would’nt know I was gone.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

~Grandpa Simpson “The Simpsons”
The metric system is a tool of the devil.

~Shelly Long “Cheers”
I hate you with the white hot intesity of a thousand suns.

~Paula Poundstone
When adults ask little little kids what they want to be when they grow up, they’re really looking for ideas.

~Judd Nelson “Breakfast Club”
Screws fall out all the time. The worlds an inperfect place.

~Gina Jardina
Have a nice bathroom.

~Wendy Christensen
Are there ice cubes in the freezer that are frozen?

~Ryan Keland
He’s like Mr. Wizard gone druggie.

~Brett Norton
If your life were made into a movie, who would you want as yourexecutive producer?

~John Cusak “Say Anything”
I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen.

~Robin Williams “Good Will Hunting”
You will have bad times, but they’ll wake you up to the good things you weren’t paying attention to.

~Adam Sandler
What do you gotta do that’s so important that you can’t join a f’ing cult?

~Milhouse “The Simpsons”
I bet if God wore pants, he’d have a belt like THAT!

~Steven Wright
If we live in a country committed to free speach, then why do wehave phone bills?

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get less than you settled for.

~Eric Schoene
I think I’ll get up early tomorrow so I can take a nap.

~Some stoned guy at a party in 1992
Have you ever looked at someone for a really really long time and it felt like you were staring at them?

~Tim Daly “Wings”
Gaze fondly upon today because tomorrow is bound to suck.

~Ellen Degeneres “Ellen”
Stray dogs, hungry people..Come on! The solution seems obvious!

~David Hyde Pierce “Fraiser”
As least you’re deep enough to realize you’re shallow.

~Melanie Lynskey “Two and a Half Men”
Have you tried switching hands? Its like being with a clumsy stranger.

~Steve Carell “The Office”
You……..are a thief of joy.

~Charlie Day “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”
Now. What’s your bean situation?

~Lee Pace “Pushing Daisies”
Stake outs are only fun when there are binoculars for everyone.

~Rebekah Brown
You can come over, but don’t lick the ironing board!

~Christina Lamp
I wanted to kill a bird with a stone.

~Wilmer Valderrama “70s Show”
Blondes are notorious whores.

~On an English assignment
Skydiving can be fatal is your parachute doesn’t open.

~Paula Poundstone
You’re suing your mom? Wow. I didn’t know you could do that. Like an idiot, I’ve jut been going to therapy.

~Homer “The Simpsons”
I’ve learned – life is one big crushing defeat after another until Flanders is dead.

~Rhonda Christensen
He had long hair, but it wasn’t quite a fro.

~Jodi Belland
I like guys who stare at me.

~Homer “The Simpsons”
why, you may wake up dead tomorrow.

~Shelly Hager
The nurse is in a patient right now.

~Jason Alexander “Seinfeld”
My dream is to become hopeless.

~Greg Kinnear “As Good as it Gets”
The best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.

~Greg Kinnear “As Good as it Gets”
If you look at someone long enough you realize their humanity.

~Tom Waits
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy.

~Rhonda Christensen
I wish I can live as long as you did.

~Maureen Troy
M-O-O-N spells SHUT UP!!

~Dave Strauss
Stupid is as Erbe does.

~Carin (Spang) Keland
White socks are hard to come by.

~Ryan Keland
He’s like Mr. Wizard gone druggie.

~David Duchovany “X-Files”
All of the other victims had their frying pans violated.

~Peter Boyle “Everybody Loves Raymond”
Give me notice the next time you want to dance so I can kill myself.

~Jiro Kaisserlian
I protest against earthquakes.

~David Spade “Just Shoot Me”
I just remembered…you’re boring and my legs work.

~Ray Romano
What in hell’s bathroom was THAT?

~Paul Riser “Mad About You”
…A mallot to the kneecap of an already limping production….

~Bart “The Simpsons”
How could someone with glasses THAT thick be SOOO dumb?

~Mark Thomas
We’ll put on your headstone ‘At least my opinion mattered’.

~Adam Sandler “Big Daddy”
Do what ya wanna do and I’ll just show ya some cool shit along the way. That’s what it’s all about.

~Dr. Phil on David Letterman
You wouldn’t worry so much about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they did.

~Unknown Attorney
Were you present when your picture was taken?

~Heather Jocius (me)
I think I am pretty intelligent, I just can’t seem to get off my ass.

~Colin Mochrie “Whose Line is it Anyway”
As he cut my artery, I felt something was wrong.

~Marge “The Simpsons”
You are NOT pretending to be dead, young lady!!

~Amanda Freund
My name is Amanda and my favorite color is clear.

~Homer “The Simpsons”
He didn’t give you GAY did he??!!

~Kurtwood Smith “70s Show”
You’re never too old to burn to death in a fire.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge – others just gargle.

~Glenn Howerton “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”
Hi. I’m a recovering crack head. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I’d like some welfare, please.

~Dino Stamatopoulos “Community”
I am withdrawing my candidacy. I fear my political career will shine a negative light on my drug dealing.

~Pete Holmes
I think the government put flouride in the water to make us complacent. But I really don’t care.

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