Dearest Family,

As your wife and mother I realize it is my duty, my responsibility and many times – my privilege to take care of you. Whether it be tackling the never-ending laundry piles or preparing homemade, healthy meals – I am more than happy to do these things for the people I love the most in this world.

Having said that…there are some things which need to be made very clear. I have mentioned these issues, both quietly and loudly, in the past. But perhaps you had Legos or Ipods in your ears. So, I am using this format to let you know for the very last time what will happen when and if certain household crimes do not cease.

1. If I find gobs of tooth paste in the sink – I WILL know who left it there as though it is an art form (its not) – I will simply be forced to one day, when you least expect it…rub your toothbrush on my butt.

2. Apparently taking clothing off in record time is very important to you. Congratulations. But if I have to unravel inside out jeans which still contain skid-marked underwear and damp, smelly socks again, I will have no choice but to cut holes in all of your pockets and turn your socks pink.

3. Even though I love to cook, I do realize I am no Paula Dean. But if you feel it necessary to tell me dinner is “gross” or give me suggestions on how to cook it next time…”next time” you just may be eating a booger.

4. If I find gross things in the shower…lets see…such as…a LOOGIE, or clipped toe nails or even upside down leaking shampoo bottles again, your shampoo might one day be replaced with Nair.

5. Taking your shoes off is so appreciated. Thank you, my angels. However, leaving them all over the hallway, creating death traps on steps and hanging them from the ceiling fan is so not cool. Next time, I will be marking the top of each shoe with an L or an R in bright red permanent marker. Explain that to your friends who already call you stupid.

6. Why is it so hard to close a cupboard door? Sure once in a while…things happen. But EVERY. DANG. TIME. Really?? If I crack my head into another open cabinet door or damage my uterus by another drawer ajar, I will be nailing them all shut. You can fend for yourself. Learn to hunt if you have to. And half the crap in the fridge is probably expired already so don’t count on that for long.

7. Lastly, toilet flushing was a concept all of you mastered long ago. If I flip the lid to another monster floater I will have no other choice but to fill your shoes with cat poop.

Now, I think we can all work together on this. You are all bright people. Think I am joking? Try me.


**Just felt like writing this after finding yet another bright blue disgusting wad of paste in the sink this morning. Obviously some of what I have written is exaggeration and I am making this footnote to be clear that I would not REALLY do these things to my kids…so please…no raised eyebrows…. 🙂


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