When I hear people speak as though the human race should live their lives by the word of the Bible, I cannot help but be concerned with their mental stability. I mean, really. Is it not a little loony tunes to think that some book written a bagillion years ago should be taken literally and word for word? A book with such ambiguity and symbolism – are we really expected to all interpret it the exact same way?

The Bible Tells Me So:

  • And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you.  Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.

Eating ham or playing football? You’re one filthy ass hellbound motherfucker.

  • Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

You know that tattoo of your deceased mother covering your shoulder-blade? You might want to get some adjoining flames on that to go with your future decor. And that fellatio enhancing tongue piercing? That is double hell for you, dirty birdy.

  • Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

Only square-headed people allowed. Everyone in heaven looks exactly like SpongeBob.

  • He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Um. Yea. Screwed in this life and the next. I’d start wearing a cup or living in a bubble if I were you.

  • Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God.

Defiled by wizards. (Sigh) I’m just going to leave that one in the rectory.

  • When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

Because this CLEARLY happens so often. If your husband gets into a scuffle with a drunk neighbor and is getting his ass kicked – don’t even THINK about jumping in to help by attacking the dude’s junk, you violent whore.

  • “And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.”

Does your man always defend his mother even though she insults you and is probably hiring a hitman to knock you off? Well…DUH! Mere survival, man.

  • Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.

Remarried? You cheatin’ bastard.

  • “Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people. Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death.

                Nurses, doctors, police officers, fire fighters, all of the football players you drool over every week…                                 DIE, SINNERS, DIE!!!!! (oh, and don’t forget, they’re thugs too)

  • Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

Fuck you.

  • And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:  They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.

Remember Bubba Gump Shrimp? Run, Forrest, Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:  Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father’s house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.

Not enough stones in the world…just the Ray-town hoes alone would cause a shortage (and I say HOES affectionately since I’d likely be considered  a member of the club).

Okay, okay. I went on and on. But you get my point, right? Whether you are religious or not, the Bible is old, archaic, out-of-date, barbaric and just does not make sense as a set of rules in our day and age. Common sense, is it not?

I gotta say, I feel much the same way about the Constitution and Bill of Rights. I feel that those who think that those rules and judgments apply today in the same way they did hundreds of years ago are living in fairy tale land. I am reminded of this after every shooting when the 2nd Amendment is echoed as a defense for gun accessibility.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

How does this translate to anyone with half a brain to mean that any jag off with a little penis can hoard machine guns and rocket launchers?? No. Just, no. And if you think it does, you’re an idiot.

Rules, policies, procedures…everything progresses (or should) with time and growth. When we know better, we should do better. And in most aspects in life – that tends to happen naturally or at least logically. When new medical treatments are discovered, procedures change. When the human race develops new needs, we find ways to meet them.

To think that we should follow – word for word – a set of rules and principles penned over 200 years ago is unrealistic and cumbersome. It is holding us back and it is giving those who want us held back an anchor on which to base their ignorance.

Just like in the Bible – there is a lot of good and well-meaning shit in those documents. Stuff that will hold meaning and reason forever. But we need to get out the red pen and start editing a little more generously. Instead of stapling tea bags to your hats or stomping around claiming to be patriots – how about ya open your eyes and realize it is almost 20-friggin-14. Can we do that, maybe? Huh??

It really makes me think…there isn’t much difference between religion and patriotism. They both have their good points and respectable qualities. But they also both have dangerous and unreasonable aspects. It is a shame, really.



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