A Journey…In My Words

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Listen. I have had this blog since 2005. I write about many things. And a large portion of what I write is a personal diary. I suppose I have fallen into this narcissistic social phenomena. But this outlet has offered me much release. It has been extremely cathartic. And believe it or not – I get messages from people all of the time thanking me. People in similar situations have been made to feel not as alone in their own struggles. Those reasons alone make it all worth it to me. And if anyone takes issue with that (as I know some may question my motives for posting such things or whether I should share personal stories at all) – they don’t have to read it.

I am not one of those people who cover my Facebook page with only successes and self-congratulatory pats on the back. I am not made of sunshine and rainbows. And I refuse to pretend to be anything other that exactly what I am. You think it is new to me to have people turned off by this? You think that after everything I have been through in life – some of which I have never breathed a word – puts me in a place of making this a top concern? I am me. This is how I express myself. There are those whom respect me for it and there are those who think they are better than me because of it or those who simply do not approve. Fuck it. I really cannot care anymore.

In the next few weeks, I will be writing about my recent hysterectomy surgery, my recovery and complications. I will be writing about it because as I have been through this journey, reading the stories of others have helped me tremendously. I will be writing about it because that is what I do. I am not seeking sympathy to any degree. Every person out there has been through something scary, life-changing, difficult, etc. I compare myself to no one and deserve no tighter hugs than anyone else.

However, I do feel there is a great misunderstanding and underestimation about this procedure. Before going through it myself, I would have never imagined the seriousness of this major surgery. Hysterectomies are one of the most preformed procedures in our country. Because of this, many people feel it is no big deal. Especially when they can sometimes be done without a 12 inch incision dissecting one’s midsection. But just because the scars on the outside seem insignificant – the work on the inside is just as traumatic. Perhaps I can help bring some realization to some misbeliefs.

I had my surgery a little over 6 weeks ago. The struggle has been more difficult and much different from what I expected – both physically and emotionally. That being said, it could have been much worse. While the surgeon did a great job and the staff at the hospital went way above my expectations of care and I have had wonderful support from a few great people – I have not been without road-bumps.

Almost right after surgery, I was having difficulty taking a deep breath. A few times I woke up gasping as I would imagine a person with sleep apnea experiencing. I reached out to a couple of people who all assured me I was fine and that my fears of blood clots were most likely inducing a panic reaction. This has happened before, so that was a reasonable assumption. But I still felt something wasn’t right. This was only the first sign to what ended up being a very bad drug reaction to an antibiotic – something I never considered. I am very lucky it did not cause more trouble than it did. I am still feeling some of the effects, but they are improving and the damage it did to my liver is now repairing. Many people who have had similar reactions have ended up with permanent lung, nerve or liver disease.

This is just one of the things I will share in detail about this surgical experience in the upcoming weeks. From pre-op fears to being wheeled into the OR to my recovery to the wonderful people who have helped me through everything – I will write about this, hopefully, in a way that can help others in one aspect or another. Going through this has truly opened my eyes in some really unexpected ways and in many different capacities. Perhaps others will relate.

For now, I can tell you that I am healing and doing the very best that I can. I still go through moments of pain and fear. But it gets better each week. And I hope to soon be back on my dreadmill, back to writing regularly and back to searching for that life I truly want to live. I look forward to being introduced to the new me – a healthier me.

Thank you for listening.

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

2 responses »

  1. I got off on a tangent (see, brain beats two-finger typing all the time). I wanted to respond to your surgery. I had a hysterectomy, I think 2 years ago. I had major fibroids, blah blah blah. The surgery for me went well. I was released within 12 hours of the surgery even though they insisted I would be there for 3-4 days. I told that Doctor I was going to leave when I wanted and sure enough, I did. I passed all their tests and walked out the next morning when they came to stop my demerol drip – what motivation that was as I usually don’t like “drugs”, but find demerol to be a favorite! I had about a week in bed and then I was back to almost normal. I thought, this is awesome! I have never really sided with my female biological side and being monthly free was going to be a relief! Especially seeing as I have worked in a “man’s” field my whole life. I fortunately did not experience any of the suffering you are going through and I am very sorry for your illness. I do notice that I do not have the core strength I once did. I used to be a lineman and a cell tower climber. I was small, but I was tough. I could beat a man any day with carrying a ladder, etc. These days, sometimes, I cannot even open a jar of pickles. It has worn on me as I feel it has taken away a lot of my ability to be independent, but I am not giving up. I hope you are able to get back to being the healthy you and that the damage instilled on you from the surgery is temporary and passes without further complication.

  2. Your writing style is a breath of fresh air on a politically cloudy day! Man, I wish we were besties! I have often wanted to start a blog, but I have a fast-paced mind and just cannot type fast enough! This blog, honestly, the first sentence, made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I am so glad the internet exists. Oddly as it sounds, it has probably saved my life numerous times. I used to sit and think (or was told) I was crazy for having out of the box thinking and for seeing things the way they really were/are versus the perception of the ones who listen to what others tell them. It cost me my youth as that was not and is still not allowed in school or from a “child”. I was institutionalized or sent to live with other relatives who were military strict when I didn’t follow suit. At 16 after my being released from a 2 year boarding school program that I actually thrived in, I came home to the same old dribble and close-mindedness. I had changed. They had not. I turned right around with my still packed bags and walked out the door and never returned. I am still that same person and it is what has kept me going. I had my own business for 8 years before the industry I was in basically crumbled. I am now on a new journey. It has taken me since November of 2013 to get out of a very heavy funk (I started to read your depression blog) and am still struggling deeply. But I am coming back to me. Feisty, loud-mouthed, truly spoken, survivalist me! Your blog is an inspiration that lets me know I am right and was right all along. Thank you for that Heather!! Keep it up!

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