Well, I haven’t written a whiny update in quite a while and I was thinking I really shouldn’t keep depriving y’all like that. What a jerk I have been. So…here ya go. And this is one of those particularly obnoxious whines…it’s about my big fat belly. Yay for you!!
I suppose it isn’t so odd to be thinking about my weight and body soon before swimsuit/boating/being in public with other humans season. But like with most things, occasional thinking turns into obsessive torture. And when I say torture…I don’t just mean my own. Anyone around me at these moments are victims of my pathological levels of insecurity.
“Well just stop!”
“You look fine for your age.”
“Who cares what other people think.”
“You’re not that fat.”
Yea. These won’t work for me. In and out of therapy since the age of 14 and I don’t have it fixed by 38 (actually, 39 next week….Christ) so it likely just isn’t gonna happen.
One night, during a retreat last month, I was wrestled to the ground, thrown into a van and forced to bar hop all night long. (I still have not recovered. Ouch.) While out that night it was mentioned several times that I looked much younger than my age…was told by a 24 year old kid that I was “really hot for 40”. But instead of taking anything positive away from that experience…I just left feeling old and insulted.
Last weekend was Charlie’s birthday and a few pictures were taken. When I left the house, I felt ok about myself. I had a new outfit. And killer shoes (seriously, my toes are still numb). But once I saw that first picture, all I could think about was how awful I looked. My mood instantly changed. Much of it was because I was having a really BAAAAD hair day. But it was also my face, my body, my posture, my boobs…I mean, things I can do very little about.
What do I see? My eyes are too close together, my nose is huge and crooked, I have no chin (this is honestly something I have been self conscious about forever and whenever I have enough money for an implant, I am getting it), I have many scars and spots on my skin, my veins are really noticeable and dark, my boobs are just unruly and out of control (another surgery I would really love to have), my stomach…just the worst….all of my weight goes to my middle, I have NO ass and NO hips and my hair is super fine and thin and impossible to style.
This is what I see every goddamn time I look in the mirror. And I am absolutely sick of it. I said a few years ago after a trip to the water park…of all the women there whom I felt jealousy towards, I was far more jealous of the big huge lady hanging out of her bikini splashing around without a care than I was of all the skinny perfect bitches. What I wouldn’t give to just not give a shit!!!
These past few months I have been pretty lame about my diet and exercising. And I have gained a few. Luckily I have been able to keep those lost 30 lbs for the past few years. But these last 10-15…it just gets so daunting that I give up. Nothing pisses me off like giving up all my favorite foods and starving myself without the benefit of visible results (and yes, at 1200 calories I still feel like I am starving because I am a mental case who obsesses about food).
I would really like to lose at least 7 lbs before summer. I am just dreading making that effort again. Especially since I will probably still feel crappy about the way I look. (sigh)
ALRIGHT!!! This whining session is over. I release you back into the world of normal…