UPDATE – This is old and I am trying to fix it. I don’t know why my spacing is not working…anyway, I also need to add more to this seemingly unending list. Will be doing so in the coming days…
A few months ago I started a Thank You list to the people in my life I have wanted to thank. Well, I have decided that I would also like to make an apology list. This will be slow going but I would like to start off with one apology that has been nagging me for about 10 years. I will use the same type of format as I did with the Thank Yous.
Dan Skvarka – Now, this like I said has been bothering me for many many years. He probably doesnt even remember me – let alone the conversation. But I have to get it off my chest. We were both servers at The Chancery about 10-11 years ago. One night after our shifts we were in the bar having a drink. My parents had just moved about an hour away and I said to him, “I miss my mom.” Right as the words left my mouth I remembered that his mother had died just a couple years prior in an auto crash. I instantly felt like crawling into a deep hole and vomiting. He just replied, “Yea, me too.” He wasn’t snotty, mean, didn’t try to make me feel bad at all…he just had a grin and said ‘Yea, me too’. I have carried this stupid comment around with me for so long. And I would like to apologize for being thoughtless and not thinking before speaking. I am sorry, Dan.
Kevin Nuernberger – You treated me so well. Much better than I deserved at the time. You were a true friend. Very caring. And I took that for granted. I did always appreciate it, but I didn’t give back to what I was getting. I let our friendship slip away and I will forever be ashamed and saddened for that. You were and I am sure ARE a wonderful guy. I hope every person that comes across your path realizes that and shows you the way I should have. I am sorry, Kevin.
Stephanie Nichols, Kimmer (cannot for the life of me remember you last name and I apologize for that too!), Paige Putning-Kuypers, Wendy Christensen – I was an irresponsible roommate. I did not pay my bills on time. I was in my own little world. I went through a few years when I was completely living outside of reality. I was self centered and childish and lazy. I feel a lot of shame for the way I lived during that time in my life. I am sorry guys.
Nancy Burke – I blew up at you a number of times when I was upset, hurt or disagreed with you. I should have acted composed and thought before speaking. I said some disrespectful things to you. I am sorry, Nancy.
To a girl whose name I no longer know (I was recently told her married name is now Heidi Johnson) – While working for a confidential employer I did something that was unethical, against the rules, and just plain insensitive. I shared information with another person and I have always felt horrible about it. You called me out on it one night in a bar and even though I apologized I always wish I had a chance to show you that I am really not that mean, insensitive person I am sure you thought me to be (and had every right to). This was many many years ago, but I do wish I remembered your name so you can get the apology you deserve. I am so sorry.
Carin (Spang) Keland – We were great friends in middle school and into high school. I cherished you and our friendship more than I am sure you ever realized. And yet, my stupid, selfish, teenage self allowed my poor actions to interfere with our friendship. I hurt you and I am not sure if I ever truly apologized. I really am sorry. I am sorry you were betrayed. I am sorry I caused you pain. And I am sorry I took our friendship away. I always miss it – and you – dearly. I think my parents miss you the most LOL!!
Katie Geyer – We have been through some very rocky shit. Probably the most tumultuous relationship in my life. Throughout the past 10+ years I have gone through cycles of considering you a friend to an enemy to nothing at all. Very much a roller coaster. You have hurt me in many ways. But none of it gives excuse to words I have said. I hate to use that lame as cliche “two wrongs don’t make a right”…but its true. And instead of learning to forgive and get over my anger and resentment – I have lashed out many times with no reason other than to hurt you. This does not make me proud and in fact, quite ashamed. I am sorry for the hurtful things I have said to you in the past years.
First Dates – In my 20s (from about 24-28) I went on a few dates with a few guys. Many times it didn’t go further than one or two…sometimes a bit longer. I usually knew fairly quickly when I was not interested in pursuing a relationship. But I was terrible at conveying this message in a mature and kind way. Throughout my life I have typically been the dumped and not the dumpee. But in these handful of occurances, I did not handle myself very well and was irresponsible with the feelings of others. Ignoring phone calls, not answering my door…how childish. I apologize if there were guys I had hurt during that short period of time. I know how much it hurt when it happened to me.
Dad – There were times you would call and I ignored the phone. I would often tell my mom I didn’t want to talk. When caller ID was invented, I almost never spoke to you again. I was angry and unforgiving after so many years of your rejection and abandonment. You were in pain and dealing with things I could never understand. Though you were selfishly motivated most of the time, I should have answered the phone. I should have made an effort to see you. Because now, I would give anything for the phone to ring again. You would tell me that you weren’t going to be around forever. I didn’t believe you, but you were right. And now, I can barely remember the sound of your voice. And it breaks my heart. I am so sorry Dad for not answering…for not being stronger than you and trying to make it work.
Mackenzie, my Step Daughter – I allowed a very horrible and traumatic event come between what could have been a very close relationship. I have known you since you were 14 months and in diapers. I loved you as though you were my own. But after my own hurt, I let myself become closed off and since then our love has suffered. I have spent years trying to learn how to mend this tear and I blame my weakness for not being above it all and allowing that love back into my heart. I want us to be close. I want you to trust me. I want to be the person you come to. I will continue to fix my flaws so that one day we can be as close as we should have been all along. None of it was ever your fault and you should have never had to pay any price. I am sorry for not being a better step mom.
Like I said – this is a work in progress and there are MANY more (unfortunatly) to come…
God, this post is going to make me sound like a horrid person. But I really want to take accountability for things I have done to hurt people. I want to apologize. This is the best way I know how.