Just a Bunch of Boring Crap

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Well I certainly hope everyone enjoyed their holidays and are looking forward to the New Year. Are ya all amped up? Any resolutions? Are you sick of hearing the word resolution?? I know I am.

I don’t make New Years resolutions because I make them all year-long. And I illustrate them on my Vision Board. Now THAT I need to update. Its old and not really workin’ anymore. I need to freshen it up. Some of the goals will remain the same, but new ones should be added. But all in all, I still have the same desires, wishes and priorities. Weight loss (MUST lose 10 lbs by July), happy family, good marriage, improvement in my writing, letting go of negativity and poor self-image, make some friends (real life friends…not just the online kind)…ya know, basic stuff for which I am always reaching.

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I am finally done with the Heart Event Monitor. It caught some of the PVCs I have been feeling. But it was nothing like it was the previous month…figures. But hopefully, it will be enough to give the Doc enough info to ease my mind. I am going to call them next week to schedule and appointment to go over the results.

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My anxiety has been weird lately. I was almost completely off my anxiety medicine, but I had to start taking it regularly again. I do take WAY less than prescribed and less than what I was taking…but I sure was hoping to stop altogether. I guess I just can’t do that right now. I was starting to get panicky. Especially during the night when trying to sleep. Of course, the triggers are always health/death based. I worry about Cassidy SO much. I imagine the most terrible things – it is truly ridiculous but scary. I just cannot bear the thought of anything bad ever happening to her.

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For some weird reason, I have been watching this show called One Born Every Minute. It is basically a reality based show that lets you peak in as women are in labor and delivery. It’s really been freaking me out. I will be watching one minute stating, ‘There is NO WAY I will ever go through THAT again!!’ And then 10 minutes later…usually when I see the damn kid…I think, “Oh my God, I have to have another baby before it’s too late!!!” I am maternally bipolar.

I know that having a baby would probably not be in my best interest. I am so very tired all of the time as it is. Cassidy is already 7 years old and it would be like starting over almost. Charlie doesn’t want another. I don’t know how my body could handle another labor like the one I had (christ, that was hell…pure hell). I would have to stop taking the anxiety med and probably go into panic mode for 9 months. And it took me 6 years to lose all that weight…I am trying so hard to get my body back at 37 years old; another pregnancy would likely ruin it for good.

But when I think that this is my only life…when I realize that I may one day REALLY regret not having another…I get overwhelmingly depressed. I see how fast Cassidy is growing…how fast Mackenzie grew up and it floors me. As sad as it is, Mackenzie and I just are not that close. I feel like once she is old enough, she will choose to not even come here anymore. That is very depressing. So it will all be on Cassidy to take care of me when I am old LOL. Ugh. Talk about all your eggs in one basket…

Anyway, this whole baby thing has me pretty upset from time to time. I should probably stop watching that show.

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Another show I have been watching is Sons of Anarchy. We started with episode one over the holidays and are now almost finished with season 3. I am obsessed. I just love a good drama that keeps you wanting more. Breaking Bad, Dexter, Homeland (god, is THAT a great show), Big C, Weeds, The Closer…there aren’t many…but I sure love a good drama.

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I have been volunteering at the Recall Walker headquarters for the past couple months. Only once a week, taking signatures. I feel like I should be doing so much more. I am just a shitty activist, I guess. But its better than nothing, right? It will all be over in about a week. Ugh. I am nervous. But I don’t want to get into any political yakky yak right now…enough of that on Patch.

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Oh hell. I am so tired. I know this post was lame as shit. I promise to make a better attempt soon. Have a good night y’all.

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

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