I can’t stop crying tonight. It is 10:30 and I really need sleep. But I am afraid to close my eyes. I am afraid I won’t wake up. The thought of leaving my daughter, my family…it is so intense that I am certain I need to go back to the shrink.
Tonight my PVCs/PACs (not sure which) have been significantly worse than normal. To explain it the best I can – they feel like my heart stopping. In fact, if I am taking my pulse, I will feel it stop. When it happens, it catches my breath and I feel a weird surge…probably adrenaline – which I hate. I hate hate hate adrenaline. Anyway, I have been told these are benign. That they won’t kill me. Somehow, those words do not help – not even sure I believe them.
They were really bad for a while…but then the beta blocker helped a lot. Anxiety medicine helped even more. I probably still had them, just noticed them less. I continued to have increases the week before my period – they are definitely affected by hormones. And I found that apple cider vinegar helped a lot as well. But for some reason, today is worse than usual. Even with extra ACV. I took a little extra of my beta blocker too – which the Dr. always suggested during bad times. And I think it is starting to help. But when I lay down I still feel it every few minutes or so.
I know I need to get a grip. This will likely be with me forever. I need to learn to deal with it and live my life. And really, I have been for a long time now. For some reason, tonight has shifted me backwards. I have been through this before. I have had this conversation with myself a million times. I am alive now, and I need to live while I can. Instead of freaking out, crying, reading the internet and taking my pulse – I need to spend time with my family. I need to lay with my daughter and laugh with my husband and vice versa. Unfortunately, they are sleeping right now so you are stuck with me, dear website.
It is all about acceptance. I need to accept that I have this shitty condition. I need to accept that with or without a heart problem, I can die at any moment. I need to accept that I will never have ANY control over death. I need to accept that all I have is RIGHT NOW. Once I accomplish these, it won’t matter if these fuckers are benign. It won’t matter if the docs are lying. It won’t matter what the tests say. Living in the moment is truly what it is all about. How do I get there? How do I do that??
If I don’t wake up, please remind my family often how much I love them. Please do not let Cassidy forget me or what she meant to me. Help Charlie guide her through life so that she becomes strong, confident and happy. And don’t you dare let Charlie replace me with some dumb ass bitch. 😉