Long Time No Bitch (videos coming…)

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Good news first.

Vacation in the Wisconsin Dells was really nice. The condo we rented was so great. Marina for the boat right outside the door, indoor and outdoor pools and a hot tub – all which were NEVER in use, we were always the only ones in there, the surroundings were just gorgeous, beaches along the scenic river where we could anchor down and swim…it was a good time. In fact, we decided last minute to stay an extra night. HERE are some pictures. And I will post some videos below.

We spent one day walking around downtown and took a Ducks tour. Another day we spent at Mt. Olympus Water and Theme Park (wouldn’t go back, but it wasn’t horrible). We devoted 2 days on the boat. And the last day we went to Paul Bunyan’s (YUM) and the Mining Company (the girls like that weird shit lol). We went to some nice (and not so nice) restaurants, but ate in a lot too. We swam in the pools everyday. And our room even had a jacuzzi. The water heater wasn’t big enough to accommodate the monstrous size, but it was still relaxing half full. Chances are, we will go back. It was affordable, comfortable, convenient (about a 10 minute walk from downtown) and relaxing. I am sad that it is over.

Here are the girls on this virtual ride thingy at the arcade…better than the rides at Mt. Olympus and cheaper LOL!! Pretty cool…
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Time on the boat…
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Here are the condo’s pools and hot tub…
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And here is my lil fishy…
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We returned in time for the 4th. Never a big 4th fan. Parade is always hot and WAY too crowded, so we didn’t even go this year. We just took the boat out on the lake later in the day and then stayed out there to watch the fireworks. Pictures HERE and will post video below. The day was okay. I had post vacation depression and was feeling REALLY insecure with my weight all day…that tends to ruin entire days for me which sucks ass.

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So, now back to the fat. All this time in swim suits and having eaten like a premenstrual cow on vacation…things ain’t good with my weight issues. I was up at 5am just laying here disgusted with myself. My husband’s reunion is in 7 days and instead of losing the 10 pounds I wanted, I gained a couple. The couple I can lose quickly as it was just from my period and a week of being naughty. But I am right back to where I was…no progress. And every time I look in the mirror or see a picture of myself, I seriously feel sick.

Losing is just SO hard at this point that I find it very difficult to stick to anything. For an entire week I did no carb, no alcohol, low fat and stuck within 1200 calories. Not a single pound lost. I am still on these meds…almost done, but not quite. I don’t know if they are to blame or not. And even when I am off, I will still be on three others which also inhibit weight loss (anxiety med, allergy med and heart med). I want off everything, but I just don’t see that happening.

My heart has been acting up with the ectopic beats (skipping beats/PVCs). It always happens before my period, but it has been worse. Not sure why. I did make an appt with an EP Cardiologist for a check up but couldn’t get in for a month. Anyway, this means I will not be decreasing my heart medicine. Anxiety med? I have cut down…and already I am on a super low dose. But to go off completely would be shocking to my system and I would hate to ever get back to that point of having panic attacks again. That was horrible. Allergy med? Skipped it two days now and already I cannot breathe through my nose. WTF!! How can I possibly have allergies ALL YEAR?? I am seriously sick of all this shit!!!

So, next weekend I have to go to this thing and feel exactly how I did in high school…only this time I am FAT on top of it. It is going to be a miserable experience. I keep researching cleanses and crash diets. I know they are terrible and I never really approved of them in any way. But I just am at a loss. I cannot stand looking this way. Especially in the summer time. Especially at a reunion with a bunch of people I have always felt inferior next to.

I had my stylist completely change my hair. I now have bangs and layers and reddish/brown hair. It was a mistake. It is making me feel even worse. I think I look better with blonde in my hair and without bangs. But its too goddamn late now.

I know – this is toxic. I am toxic. I am just SO unhappy with myself and I don’t know how to change it. I feel defeated. My husband keeps telling me that we are just getting older and I have to accept that I won’t look thin and young anymore. Well, I cannot seem to accept that AT ALL. I see 40, 50, 60 year old women who look fantastic!! There is no reason I shouldn’t strive to look my best – is there?? But will my best be good enough for me? Doubtful.

I am sure it doesn’t help that I haven’t seem my therapist in a few months. She had open heart surgery and is booked up now until I see her in a couple weeks. I am not sure how much that is helping anyway…but what else is there?

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I have been seriously considering getting a breast reduction and lift. Even with the 30 pound weight loss last year, my bra size didn’t change. They are a BIG (pun intended) part of my feeling so bad about myself. I KNOW they make me look bigger than I am depending on the outfit and bra I am wearing. If I am wearing something pushup or which lifts, it just squishes all the boobage up under my arms and around to my back. It is so gross!! If I wear a different kind, I look saggy.

I always said I would never have a surgery I didn’t absolutely need. I am scared TO DEATH. Going under general anesthetic is one of my hugest fears. Risking my life for a cosmetic reason…its hard to think about. But I hear from people all of the time how they wished they had done it sooner, that they have no regrets and it was the best thing they ever did. I really think it will help. Thing is, I doubt insurance will pay and it is about a 5-6k surgery. So we would go in debt for it and I could die or be deformed if there are complications. So, is it worth it?? I have two consults set up for later this summer.

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I am looking at my daughter right now. God, she is getting old. And so pretty. Her personality and sense of humor is so much like mine it is scary LOL, God help her. I just wish time could slow down!! I saw this baby yesterday about 11 months old. That was the perfect age. Cutest for sure!! It just really made me miss my baby. 😦 I love her so much it hurts and to think she will soon be slipping further and further away kills me. My little elf.

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Being away from my blog for so long, there is a lot to talk about. But I have to get going. I am making 3 different bruschettas for a family thing tonight and need to get crap done today. SO…I better get my ass off the computer. Later I will post the bruschetta recipes…if they turn out LOL. I also wanted to talk a bit about my step daughter, Casey Anthony and TV junk. So, I will try to make time to write this weekend.

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

One response »

  1. Can relate to several thing, a lot and other things…not so much 🙂
    My class reunion is next Saturday and you gave voice to some of the insecurity I also feel. I agree w/ you that yes we all age, but that does NOT mean we have to settle for an overweight body. I’m betting some of the funk may be the side effect of the medicine.

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