Swimsuits, Babies, Political Bullshit and 8 Years

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I hate it when my updates are full of bitching. I really do. Trust me, I know how it sounds. I even annoy myself. That being said…I feel like bitching. I think I probably do it so much here because I really don’t have anyone to talk to about just STUFF. I have no one in my life I would feel comfortable just picking up the phone and calling to shoot the shit, vent or share. No one. This is the only place I can really do that. So I guess, if it annoys you – as it does me – then perhaps this isn’t the blog for you.

Let me start with some good news though. First of all, I have a new niece. Elsa was born last week. My brother delivered his healthy 7lb daughter in their bathroom!! They had been planning a home birth with a midwife. But the labor was a whole 35 minutes and the midwife couldn’t get there in time. Even though this is SOOOO far from anything I would chose to do – I am quite impressed by both of them for going through what they did and were still up and about less than 24 hours later. Yesterday Elsa slept on my lap and chest for nearly 2 hours I would say. I can tell she will be a very good baby. I already love her. Though it does bring up the whole baby depression again. I want another one so bad that I cry over it. But I know having one is not the best choice. It hurts. Anyway… here are a couple pictures:

One other piece of good news…Charlie and I made it yet another year!! Today is our 8th anniversary. Time is rolling by faster than a Taco Bell burrito fart. Seriously, the way we bicker…this is quite a feat. I assume we will last forever if for no other reason than because we are too damn stubborn to call it quits. Two Aries…what a ridiculous pair.

We are going on a vacation to the Dells in a few weeks. We rented a condo on the river and will be spending a lot of time on the boat and a day at the water park. SO, of course I need a new swimsuit. We are also going to Charlie’s high school reunion in July and I need a dress for that. So, instead of crying in a public dressing room, I decided to order everything and try the stuff on here – will be returning what does not fit.

Well, everything arrived today. And each piece made me feel like a big fat ugly old pig. I am well aware that this sort of negative self talk is exactly what I need NOT be doing. I get that. But it is what I see in the mirror. I simply hate the way I look.  I have been eating low cals and exercising a lot. I still cannot get under 151 (on a good day). It won’t budge!! I am on the last step of my weaning off Lamictal. 25mgs started Sunday. A week or two on that and I will be done completely. I am hoping being off will make a difference, but in alllikelihoodd, it will not. I know I need to be happy with how I look right now. I just don’t know how to do that. I see these rolls and loose skin and no ass…and I just feel AWFUL about showing my body in public.

Going off the medicine hasn’t been HORRIBLE. But it hasn’t been fun either. It is like constant PMS for about a month straight now. I am hoping it doesn’t get even worse once I am completely off. I will jump off that bridge when I come to it. For now I have to convince myself that I made the right decision.

I am politically spent. I can no longer argue and debate. I am fading into apathy and feel it would just be healthier to let that happen. I get too upset when I think about my parents’ choices. I get so frustrated hearing constant lies from the GOP followers. I feel defeated every time our Governor does something else deplorable with no consequence. I am starting to see that he is there because people want him there. And that is far more depressing than my original belief that many people simply made a mistake when voting. I thought perhaps they were misguided or fooled…and that now they would know the truth. But no. The fact is the majority of people are heartless, selfish, holier than thou assholes. It is every man, woman, child for themselves. Compassion is a sin and helping others isn’t respected. Help yourself and fuck the others…that is the mantra of today. Especially in Racine.

I am one of very few liberal contributers to my local Patches. I cannot stand reading all the Tea Party bullshit anymore. I just can’t. I really do just feel like giving up and becoming like so many others I know…indifferent to anything political. I should stick to watching Real Housewives and go about life as though nothing has changed. It seems much healthier.

I have not only been met with brick walls built by the opposing team…I have also been treated like shit by the very people I have been defending and fighting for. A few union people have been really shitty with me because I was not playing the right way I suppose. Teachers – whom I have fought for since I can remember – have been pretty rude to me as well. I haven’t wanted to say anything so that I can remain in this solidarity mindset…but why the fuck should I?? I don’t know if it is because I pushed for healthy school snacks (which did piss off a lot of people) or because of my “criminal history”…but my kids’ own teachers won’t even bother returning my emails. Its bullshit.

So yea, I have little reason to continue putting any real effort into the political fight anymore. I have considered working for a particular political campaign. I don’t want to mention it yet, but I would do this and stop involving myself in the other shit. Perhaps if I focus on getting one good guy elected…I will feel as though I am doing SOMETHING without feeling like I am being disrespected or feeling like I have to constantly be on the defensive.

Anyway, I need to get the kids in the house and get everyone ready for bed. I am tired as hell and should try to be asleep early tonight. I will try to post something positive this week, I promise. Until then…talk at ya later. Night.

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

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