A friend of mine suggested to me that I may have Borderline Personality Disorder. I of course quickly went to the NIMH site to scope out the symptoms. Thankfully (why, not sure…its not like what I DO have is a picnic) it really didn’t fit me well at all. When I looked up GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) as well as dysthymic depression – fits VERY well. Too well, yikes. Let me list below the comparisons…
Borderline Personality Disorder:
intense bouts of anger (once in a while when provoked – like a dog LOL)
depression (well, yea, duh) and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day (nope, mine is always underlying or there for long, long periods)
These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression (never impulsive -ever)
drug or alcohol abuse (not for years)
Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values (none of this fits, my sense of self is quite aware and has never really changed…very stuck in my ways)
Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy (ehhh…not really. I know very well I am a good person.)
They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated (yea, I see this)
bored, empty, and have little idea who they are (bored, yes, empty, yes…but I know all too well who I am)
frantic efforts to avoid being alone (LOL No way…I LOVE being alone)
highly unstable patterns of social relationships (I have few real relationships but the ones I have are quite stable and long term…always has been that way)
may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike) (Nope, not at all – I am not shifty in anyway…again, very STUCK in who I am – to a fault really)
highly sensitive to rejection (yes, very true)
fears of abandonment (sure, well, not so much anymore…but yea some of this. Of course my father left when I was young and then died when I was 23…I think that issue is environmental)
excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex (that actually sounds fun…lol…nope….not me AT ALL)
go through the day filled with exaggerated worry and tension (yeppers)
anticipate disaster and are overly concerned about health issues, money, family problems (Oh yea!!)
Sometimes just the thought of getting through the day produces anxiety (these all fit so no further commenting is necessary really)
can’t seem to get rid of their concerns
can’t relax, startle easily, and have difficulty concentrating
have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep
fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, muscle aches, difficulty swallowing, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating, nausea, lightheadedness, having to go to the bathroom frequently, feeling out of breath, and hot flashes.
To a friggin’ tee.
Major depressive disorder: also called major depression, is characterized by a combination of symptoms that interfere with a person’s ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy once-pleasurable activities. Major depression is disabling and prevents a person from functioning normally. An episode of major depression may occur only once in a person’s lifetime, but more often, it recurs throughout a person’s life.
Dysthymic disorder: also called dysthymia, is characterized by depressive symptoms that are long-term (e.g., two years or longer) but less severe than those of major depression. Dysthymia may not disable a person, but it prevents one from functioning normally or feeling well. People with dysthymia may also experience one or more episodes of major depression during their lifetimes.
I also fall in between these two forms of depression. I am very functional…but it is reoccurring. I just never feel “right”. Hard time feeling joy in that which I should feel joy. And sometimes I can get straight up DEPRESSED as hell. Never suicidal or anything…a lot of exhaustion and crying. And it can interfere with life, certainly. PMDD is also a diagnosis I have received and those also fit and MAY coincide with the MDD symptoms. I never charted it.
So, no personality disorder here (oh, I have talked to my therapists about these possibilities throughout the years as well…not self diagnosing through a website). I just thought perhaps I was not represently my issues very well and wanted to give a better picture for those out there who maybe feeling similar symptoms.