That Self Loathing Time of Year Again…

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Not much bloggin’ lately. I guess when I am not writing for Patch I am just not writing. Gesh, what do you people want from me??!! Yea right, as if anyone has noticed.

Well, let’s play a little ketchup. Oh, sorry. I am super hungry. I meant to say catch up.

Going through the whole weight and medication fiasco again. I am super frustrated and worried and quite frankly, pissed. If you are new to my blog – you can see these posts regarding past weight & body image issues (as tho they are past – NOT):

https://heatherrayne.wordpress.com/2010/07/11/when-are-you-due/ 

https://heatherrayne.wordpress.com/2010/08/19/my-fat-story/

https://heatherrayne.wordpress.com/2011/02/04/the-competition-mine-to-lose/

Anyway, long story short…

2003 – Just quit smoking and was between 140 & 145 (I am 5’6”)

2003 – Got preggo and gained 80+ pounds due to going on a beta blocker.

2004 – Had baby and lost some weight.

2007 – Went on Cymbalta.

2007-2010 – Could not lose a pound to save my life. Tried everything.

2010 – Went off Cymbalta, continued with same exercise and diet, lost 32 lbs in less than 3 months.

2011 – Stayed at same weight for almost a year…not too strict with diet tho and stopped logging food. Didn’t gain, but no further loss.

October 2011 – Went on Lamictal and have since gained 6 pounds.

All the docs said that the Cymbalta couldn’t be effecting my weight. Though I knew they were wrong. Clearly. Now my doc said the same about Lamictal and I am starting to feel that sense of failure again. Last week I started a super strict diet and increased my exercise – which was already a lot. I had a calorie differential of over 700-950 each day last week. I didn’t lose a single pound. FURIOUS.

So, I am considering going of the Lamictal. I don’t know how much it really helps me anyway. If anything I think it makes me less reactionary…not so ‘fly off the handle-ish’. But the major problems are still there – obsessive thinking, horrible self image, depression, lack of interest or motivation. But the thing is, going off Cymbalta was pure hell. I don’t want to go through that again. I also don’t want to fall into a deeper depression. But I REFUSE to ride that roller coaster of hard work and constant disappointment ever again!! It was just so defeating.

I just don’t know what else to do. I have about 1 month before boat time (if that) and 2 months until Charlies reunion (same High School, one year ahead). I have to lose this weight and I just don’t know what else I could possibly do. Now, this is a bad week if you know what I mean, ladies (wink wink…gag). So, I guess we will see if that makes a difference at my Monday weigh in a week from today. It better be HUGE.

I am so sick of feeling horrible about myself. I am always the ugliest in the room. Everyone is always thinner, far more talented, funnier, smarter and all around more appealing in every way. This is how I see the landscape of my life anytime I go ANYwhere. I feel like my clothes are ugly, my hair is awful, my skin is messed up and I am just way too fat. I absolutely cannot go on feeling like this day in and day out.

Anyway, I am back on SparkPeople, logging all my food and exercise. I am trying to keep my daily calories (with one cheat day a week…without going crazy of course) under 1300. I am on the dreadmill for 45-60 minutes 5-6 days a week. I do yoga or similar exercise on the Wii about 3-4 times a week for at least 15 minutes. Last week I was trying to drink 2 veggie smoothies (will put some ‘recipes’ below) a day, have a big ass salad and a lean cuisine for dinner. When hungry I eat some chicken breast, hard boiled egg, fat free popcorn or steamed vegetables. And I am logging everything into SparkPeople. I plan on continuing that this week as well.

I am also adding Chia Seed Gel to many dishes as well. It has no taste whatsoever and is suppose to make you feel full longer, not to mention a crap load of fiber, omega 3s and a bunch of other good for you crap.

I also have refurbished my MTWTFSS pill box (because I am fucking EIGHTY) with some very helpful advice from Sunday Muniz at Nutritional Designs. I have had to greatly increase my dosage of some things I was already taking – B12, Fish Oil and D3. I am also adding a couple and subtracting a couple from the routine.

I am going to give this a couple weeks. Maybe 2-3. If I still see NOTHING, I will likely start weaning off Lamictal. God help me.

Okay…gotta accomplish something now…something exciting…like laundry. Awesome.

Here are a couple of my concoctions:

In ALL the smoothies is the following:

About a shot of some healthy low sugar/cal drink

(I have used Bolthouse Farms varieties, Diet V8 Splash or 0 Calorie Sobe LifeWater)

½ or whole scoop of Designer Vanilla Whey Powder 

3 Tbsp of Chia Seed Gel

Dash of Cayenne Pepper

Dash of Stevia

 

Then you add a handful of 2 of the following: 

Raw Baby Spinach, Kale, Parsley (great diuretic, I am peeing constantly…I should get some Depends),

Mixed Greens, Lettuce, Cucumber, Carrots, Celery 

 

And about ¼ cup of two or three of the following:

Sliced Banana, Strawberries, Pineapple, Apple, Pear, Peaches – any fruit really.

 

I also will sometimes add a dash of either Coconut, Strawberry or Vanilla Extract.

 

A couple ice cubes and blend it up in the little Magic Bullet thingy.

I put a dab of Fat Free Redi Whip and drink away.

Truly are very good and SUPER healthy, low cal, low fat, high fiber.

Try it!! No. Seriously. Do it now or I will be pissed.

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

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