One of my life jobs is to gain acceptance. I am learning this is true more and more each day I amble through life. So many of my experience and self induced challenges are birthed from my lack of an ability to accept. Not to forgive, not to settle. But to genuinely accept.
I need to accept the things that happened to me as a child.
I need to accept the fact that I have no real control over life.
I need to accept that there is no changing my past.
I need to accept that I am worthy just as I am.
I need to accept that others are worthy just as they are.
I need to accept that each of us can die at any moment, for any reason, without any warning.
I need to accept that I will never be able to control death.
I need to accept that I am getting older.
I need to accept that people feel, think and act very differently than I do.
I need to accept that I cannot change the world or even a single person.
I need to accept that I do not need others to like me.
I need to accept that I can like without love and love without like.
I need to accept that I will never have proof or evidence or answers about the existence of an afterlife.
I need to accept that I cannot fix everything and not everything needs fixing.
I need to accept that I have complete control of my reactions and responses.
I need to accept that I will fall, make mistakes, fuck up without it being the end.
I need to accept that bad things can happen without it meaning the world is over.
I need to accept that I will never look like a magazine and that I look exactly the way I am suppose to.
I need to accept that I will not have results without work.
I need to accept that just because someone isn’t with me that it means they are against me.
This is merely a drop in the bucket of what I need to accept in my world. These are all things which truly hold me back. They keep me in an anxious state, depressed, afraid, vigilant, high strung, stressed, over weight, cynical, tired and who knows what else. It is toxic, it is destroying what could be an awesome life.
My therapist told me as I was leaving last week, “Heather, you really have to know that you’re not bad. People do not see you how you see you.” It is hard for me to imagine that people do not see me the way I see myself. Impossible, really. I have to really work on this. Not sure how. She said ‘fake it till you make it’. That I should tell myself certain things (such as the lines above) over and over until I begin to believe them. She said many times action comes before belief instead of the other way around. We shall see. Not sure I will be so good at hypnotizing myself 😉 But I will try.