I am looking out through my bedroom window. It is sunny and deceptive. The sheer white snow mounds are reflecting the light and forcing me to squint my eyes. I am watching these cute little birds chirping around the bush directly in front of the window. This was Bob’s entertainment for many years. He would sit in that very window and watch those birds for hours as the sun beat down on his fur – which coincidentally was also white and reflective much like the snow.
It seems everywhere I look, every time I turn around, every sound I hear somehow reminds me of the void which has replaced my best friend. Night time is the worst. We had a ritual which now leaves me sleepless. When I was ready to finally turn away from the television and fall into sleep, I would schooch down about a foot leaving pillow space above. That was Bob’s cue to migrate to “his” pillow and also hunker in for the night. For the following 6-8 hours he would purr and sleep above me like a warm loving hat. These are the kinds of things we never really notice or think about until they are no longer there to be ignored. I am so angry with myself for not appreciating the little moments as I should have.
There is so much I feel like writing about. I just cannot seem to muster up that motivation right now. I took the day off from work. I have just not been able to crawl out of this funk and I started to cry twice at work yesterday. Not cool. I spent most of the weekend in bed and accomplished absolutely nothing. The house is a mess and there is laundry that needs finishing. I also have an appointment with my therapist today (thank. fucking. god.). Honestly, I am hoping for a miracle. I cannot continue to feel this way much longer. It is far to painful and consuming. So anyway, I asked someone to work for me and decided I needed an extra day. I had the best of intentions: catch up on house stuff and maybe even write a few blogs I had started days and weeks ago. But here I am at 9:15 staring out a window and half listening to the news. I barely feel like taking a shower.
My lack of motivation is clearly related to my lack of sleep. I haven’t been able to fall asleep before 2am every night since Friday. Saturday night, not until 4:30am. I haven’t felt awake in days. But I need to make myself move. There are things that need to be done. Things that do not care about my sorrow and pity. So I will now attempt to shower, exercise and perhaps even do some cleaning. Maybe I will have a burst of energy and come back to the blog later. Until then…thanks for listening to my pathetic rambling.