Dear This Morning: Bite Me.

Standard

It’s not even 10am and this day can kiss my ass!!

Family problems are upsetting me so much that I am having heart palpitations. Yet, I cannot talk about them out of consideration for other people’s sensitivities…and I am about to say fuck it to all that. I am tired of keeping so much inside until I blow. That isn’t me and I don’t like it one bit.

The dishwasher is on it’s last spin.

Bathroom faucet keeps dripping.

Leak in the basement whenever someone takes a shower.

SO much needs to be fixed and/or replaced and not only do we not have the money to do so…but Charlie insists on doing these things himself and it ends up being a yelling, crabby ass horrible nightmare every goddamn time. He is super handy and can fix most things. But plumbing is not his strong suit yet he will try and try. I am so dreading the upcoming days of pipes, endless trips to Menard’s and constant bitchin’. And I sure as shit don’t know where the money is coming from.

I have been trying to teach my daughter (who is 6 and so super smart) how to tie her shoes. Unfortunately, she clearly did not get her intelligence from me because I cannot seem to teach her for the life of me. I feel like a total failure and I get so frustrated. I really want to be a better mom.

For 2 weeks now I have been sticking to a diet of no more than 1200-1300 calories a day. I am exercising at least an hour a day 6 days a week. I am eating so many veggies my face is turning green. The scale…not a budge. I did lose the extra holiday weight right away, as most was probably water weight. And it is a bad time of the month to be doing a weigh in. But still…I was doing these same things last spring and I lost weight consistently. Why is that not happening? I will tell you why. Because I started a new medication and it appears to be having the same effect that the Cymbalta had. I was dreading this. And what is worse…the medication is helping. I cry so much less. I am considerably less angry. My reactions to things are less edgy and emotional and I get over things easier. Its not totally noticeable or like this big huge change, but I do notice the difference – which I need. But at what cost? That weight made me more miserable than the actual clinical depression. Honestly. I hated myself. I didn’t ever want to leave the house. I was completely ashamed and disgusted with the way I looked. I cannot go back to that. And yes, I do understand that is vain and superficial and a little messed up as far as priorities go…but its the truth. I simply do not know what to do.

My job is ridiculous. There are notes left up by the manager which I will not share now, but lets just say…I have them saved. It is like a B version of Office Space only in a restaurant. It is immoral and should be illegal the way they treat their waitstaff. And I am hearing it is like that everywhere now. Yet so many people have little to no choice. They are stuck for one reason or another. I have actually considered doing this job for a whole year and then writing an all tell about my year as a waitress. Not sure if that would be interesting enough to publish however. There is just SO much ridiculous shit. I swear, I am about 2 minutes away from takin’ off my bra, gettin’ a sign and pullin’ a Norma Rae. How there isn’t a union for service workers is beyond me. And the way people tip…are you fucking kidding me?? People obviously must not realize that we do not make a wage. How can you tell me that I did such a great job, thank me over and over and then leave me a 10% tip?? How?? The industry is a complete clusterfuck.

Speaking of work…I have to work on Sunday and I am dreading it. I feel like it ruins the whole weekend. And this is where I am. At the beginning of the weekend. I am suppose to be happy, relaxed and looking forward to a nice weekend with the family. Yet I am stressed, worried, busy, strapped, sad and frustrated. 2011 is supposed to be my year. The year of Heather. I announced it on Facebook and everything. So…when’s this gonna start?? When I start it, you say? Fuck you.

Two positive notes…I have two upcoming events which I love that I have to look forward to. The Little River Band (yes, a dork, I know) is coming to Racine and I received my tickets yesterday. And for my birthday (early gift) my mom bought me tickets to see Kathy Griffin in Milwaukee in February. Super excited. I really love her!!! So…there. I am leaving this blog on a positive note. I get some credit for that, right??

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

19 responses »

  1. Pingback: Cymbalta Made Me Gain Weight | Medicine Blog

  2. I believe Tamatha and anonymous are the same person. I get statistical info for the blog. Just an FYI. I will no longer be taking that bait. And thank you Niner, I appreciate that.

  3. Anonymous is just trying to piss you off. Don’t let him. It’s your blog. Write what you want. People enjoy reading it because you say what you feel on here. I’ve only been following for a couple months, but i know I find it helpful in relating it to my family. I, too, have step children and my wife was married before me. It’s my first marriage. There are a lot of dynamics that I find relatable and interesting.

    Keep it up.

  4. I first started this blog as a way of telling my story and getting the truth out there in hopes to shed light on the bullshit that is CCAP. After time went on and I began to realize that I am getting older and let’s face it…I am not running for political office or applying for some big wig job…that I could be as open as I wanted to be. I have had many professionals tell me that any career path I wanted to follow previously were futile with my current record. Those people didn’t even know the blog existed let alone what was on it.

    I am now 36 and any job I would apply for would be that…a job. Not a career. So at this age, at this stage in my life…I am not going to put a whole lot of energy to be this fake person. And while I may be less pleasant here than in real life…I am always authentic. With nothing much to lose I started to be much more verbal, real and honest in this public forum. And while I do not believe I lost any job opportunities because of this blog…if someone doesn’t hire me for a $10 dollar an hour position because of who I AM…what I say…what I believe…well, then I just no longer have the energy to care.

    I know what kind of person I am. I know I am a pleasant, hard worker. And really, at the end of the day…that is all that matters. I will not spend anymore time defending myself to you. You hide behind this anonymous avatar like a coward and I am suppose to take advice on how to live my life from YOU?? PaaaaaLEASE!!

  5. I had been a supporter for a long time, several months at least. I’ve been waiting for SOMETHING positive thinking that surely a person can’t be like this all the time… I’ve been wrong so far.

    I think heather’s employment troubles have more to do with her attitude and much less to do with public records. Maybe even this blog has a lot to do with it…

    No employer wants a sour employee.

    • For how long? Because if that is true you would find many positive aspects of my blog. Yes, this is the forum in which I choose to bitch…to lay it all out there. Because in real life, clearly you cannot do that in most situations. As I said before, this blog is only a part of who I am. Nonetheless, I have many positive attributes which I DO display here. I feel you must be one of those people who chose to see what they want to see. Perhaps you are religious or republican and you have a preconceived opinion of me. In which case you would seek out the negative to pounce upon. I do not recall you leaving any positive comments in the past. And the “I hope you find your way” condescending bullshit is NOT positive. What does that say about YOU? You frequent a blog that you find annoying or offensive and leave comments which are rude at best. Makes little sense to me.

      I can pretty much guarantee that my past employers, while they may have had other complaints, have never found me to be sour or shitty in anyway. I think I am quite sweet, generous, funny, compassionate, loving, honest and I display that in public 90% of the time. I also write about positive and hopeful things all of the time.

      So it is my guess that you have some problem with me to begin with. Your own issues and I hope you find YOUR way.

      • I read a few years ago, stopped and came back recently to find little has changed aside from the web address. Granted, I don’t get the privilege of knowing how you are in real life, but for an employer to come here as a stab at understanding heather she is unemployable.

    • Really? I question your definition of “supporter”. First, Heather doesn’t write every day so it isn’t like her blog is nothing but a daily rant. Secondly, many of her entries aren’t even about her personal life/issues but rather about her political views and opinions on current events. Thirdly, she has a good sense of humor and this is reflected frequently in things she writes. Have you read “My Bird Can Beat Up Your Bird”? It is quite entertaining and a far cry from a rant. Lastly, there is insight in what she writes. Yes she rants, but she does accept ownership for many things and expresses a desire to make changes in her life and writes about those efforts. Her “trilogy” on her 20’s is a good example of how she’s evolved over the years.

      As a post script – there are many bitter, disgruntled, unhappy workers out there – usually it’s their employers that make them that way. Come to my job and I can show you a whole group of people who loved their jobs and have been beat down in the last year and a half.

  6. Listen…the blog is subtitled as bitching and moaning …. It is an honest, wide open and self effacing dialog of a woman and HER perception on HER life. She’s not asking money from you to read it, she’s not masking her thoughts in something else – she is throwing her cards on the table and asks nothing from the reader. If it’s not what you want to read — there are millions of blogs out there that may be better suited for you. I choose to read this because she has nothing to hide and I admire her for that.

  7. Well, you’ve been here enough to form your opinion and if it is constructive solutions you are looking for…I’d say one for you is to leave. Who the hell is forcing you to read?? BahhhhBYE!

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