It’s not even 10am and this day can kiss my ass!!
Family problems are upsetting me so much that I am having heart palpitations. Yet, I cannot talk about them out of consideration for other people’s sensitivities…and I am about to say fuck it to all that. I am tired of keeping so much inside until I blow. That isn’t me and I don’t like it one bit.
The dishwasher is on it’s last spin.
Bathroom faucet keeps dripping.
Leak in the basement whenever someone takes a shower.
SO much needs to be fixed and/or replaced and not only do we not have the money to do so…but Charlie insists on doing these things himself and it ends up being a yelling, crabby ass horrible nightmare every goddamn time. He is super handy and can fix most things. But plumbing is not his strong suit yet he will try and try. I am so dreading the upcoming days of pipes, endless trips to Menard’s and constant bitchin’. And I sure as shit don’t know where the money is coming from.
I have been trying to teach my daughter (who is 6 and so super smart) how to tie her shoes. Unfortunately, she clearly did not get her intelligence from me because I cannot seem to teach her for the life of me. I feel like a total failure and I get so frustrated. I really want to be a better mom.
For 2 weeks now I have been sticking to a diet of no more than 1200-1300 calories a day. I am exercising at least an hour a day 6 days a week. I am eating so many veggies my face is turning green. The scale…not a budge. I did lose the extra holiday weight right away, as most was probably water weight. And it is a bad time of the month to be doing a weigh in. But still…I was doing these same things last spring and I lost weight consistently. Why is that not happening? I will tell you why. Because I started a new medication and it appears to be having the same effect that the Cymbalta had. I was dreading this. And what is worse…the medication is helping. I cry so much less. I am considerably less angry. My reactions to things are less edgy and emotional and I get over things easier. Its not totally noticeable or like this big huge change, but I do notice the difference – which I need. But at what cost? That weight made me more miserable than the actual clinical depression. Honestly. I hated myself. I didn’t ever want to leave the house. I was completely ashamed and disgusted with the way I looked. I cannot go back to that. And yes, I do understand that is vain and superficial and a little messed up as far as priorities go…but its the truth. I simply do not know what to do.
My job is ridiculous. There are notes left up by the manager which I will not share now, but lets just say…I have them saved. It is like a B version of Office Space only in a restaurant. It is immoral and should be illegal the way they treat their waitstaff. And I am hearing it is like that everywhere now. Yet so many people have little to no choice. They are stuck for one reason or another. I have actually considered doing this job for a whole year and then writing an all tell about my year as a waitress. Not sure if that would be interesting enough to publish however. There is just SO much ridiculous shit. I swear, I am about 2 minutes away from takin’ off my bra, gettin’ a sign and pullin’ a Norma Rae. How there isn’t a union for service workers is beyond me. And the way people tip…are you fucking kidding me?? People obviously must not realize that we do not make a wage. How can you tell me that I did such a great job, thank me over and over and then leave me a 10% tip?? How?? The industry is a complete clusterfuck.
Speaking of work…I have to work on Sunday and I am dreading it. I feel like it ruins the whole weekend. And this is where I am. At the beginning of the weekend. I am suppose to be happy, relaxed and looking forward to a nice weekend with the family. Yet I am stressed, worried, busy, strapped, sad and frustrated. 2011 is supposed to be my year. The year of Heather. I announced it on Facebook and everything. So…when’s this gonna start?? When I start it, you say? Fuck you.
Two positive notes…I have two upcoming events which I love that I have to look forward to. The Little River Band (yes, a dork, I know) is coming to Racine and I received my tickets yesterday. And for my birthday (early gift) my mom bought me tickets to see Kathy Griffin in Milwaukee in February. Super excited. I really love her!!! So…there. I am leaving this blog on a positive note. I get some credit for that, right??