New Years and all it’s resolution bullshit. I hate being such a conformist, but I had no choice. I have joined the 7.3 billion people who have, this last week, started on a new health kick because society tells us January is the time to do so. Oh, and also because my fat was returning like the loser 30 year old who keeps coming back to his mom’s basement. My resolution – to not only lose the last 10 lbs getting me to my goal weight…but also the extra 5 I’ve gained in the past couple months. DOH!!

I hadn’t been weighing myself in a LONG time. Since summer. I also haven’t been logging my calories or following any real diet for months now. I HAVE stuck with the exercise and I have been eating healthy MOST of the time…but not as often as I should. And then the holidays – from Halloween until New Years – gave me the big fat finger  (the big fat belly, actually).

We received a Wii Fit for Christmas and when I stepped on to set up my profile…the carpeting began to rip from the seams and a huge hole began to swallow me into the floor. Well, at least that is what I felt like when I saw my new weight. I lost those 32 pounds and I was very proud of that. But I keep forgetting that I am older and now I will really have to work at staying thinner. And I am not even where I need to be yet!! In all, I have 10-15 lbs I want to lose by summer. I have to do this. I will do this. I need to do this.

I want to be hot. Well, I know that is reaching. How about warm?? I want to be warm. I want to sit on the couch without a throw pillow masked as amour visually protecting my gut. I want to look as good as I can without doing something drastic or unhealthy. I am, however, kind of in a pickle. Mmmmm….pickles…..

Okay, so I was on Wellbutrin since April. The first 4 months or so were really great in the way it made me less obsessive, have less of an appetite and I picked less (ie. the good ole trichatillomania). But then it started to poop out. It still helped to some degree, but it was also making me VERY irritable and angry – or at least it considerably added to the anger and irritability which already existed. It was quite noticeable, really. I was more rage filled than ever in my life (except during my cymbalta withdraw for which I am SO lucky I am not currently serving time…now THAT was psycho ass shit).

In November I started Lamictal. For several weeks I have been on what I think will be my therapeutic dose – 100mg. Doc said that I could try quitting the Wellbutrin if I wanted to once I was on the full dose of Lamictal. I do feel this new med is working. Not to where I am waking up singing Julie Andrew tunes and whistling with the birds in the morning. Not even to the point where I feel secure, great, positive or refreshed. I still feel like grumpy ole me. But with the crusts cut off. I feel a little less reactive, less apt to cry at the drop of degree and less angry. A very subtle smoothing of the edges, I suppose.  So, 2 weeks ago I stopped the Wellbutrin.

Like I said, when I first started it really kept my appetite in check. The Wellbutrin helped as I continued losing the weight AND quit smoking. It was very disappointing when those effects started to lessen. So, I decided to stop it for a while and see how this next weight loss goal goes without it. But I also have to factor in the Lamictal. Some gain on it and some don’t. Right now I am basically crossing my fingers (legs, arms, tits…everything)  that this 5 pound gain was only from my poor eating habits as of late. I mean, come on….I ate chocolate, ham, stuffing, cake, cookies, licorice, prime rib….like nobody’s business. Seriously…it’s none of your damn business!! Shiiiiiittttt.

Anyway, so…here I am again at step one. I have a lot to lose and on an iffy medication (remember that for YEARS on the cymbalta I couldn’t lose an ounce no matter how hard I worked…how little I ate….the cymbalta blocked all weight loss efforts. It was only when I went off of it when the pounds started to come off). So, if I notice that may be happening again…no loss with great effort, I will go back on the Wellbutrin and pray to the heavens that it will help again the second time around. I would really like to give the Lamictal a chance. (Looking up to the sky…Please PLEASE let this med work without ANY weight problems…please!!!)

Well…anyway. Ugh. I hate all this weight shit. It makes me so obsessive and I feel as though I suddenly have an eating disorder. I am ashamed when I eat. I am embarrassed and very pissed that I gained. When I eat something I shouldnt…or more than I should have…I beat myself up like you cannot imagine. There is literal HATE for myself. Self loathing at its best…or is it worst? It’s shitty nonetheless. I don’t want to be this way anymore.

This past Monday I started with again. I weigh, measure and log everything I eat. I log all of my fitness. I do 40-60 minutes of dreadmill 5-6 days a week. And I do about 30-60 minutes of Wii Fit (that Hula Hoop game can KISS MY ASS!!) about 5 days a week. It’s a lot of exercising for a person who still to this day despises it!!! Honestly, I would rather pluck a rabid chicken. And I know I will not be able to do this indefinitely. I eat all healthy food…a crap load of veggies, whole grains, lean meats. I give myself one cheat day a week…but I don’t go crazy and still try to make better choices and not stuff myself. This is what I did when I lost the weight last Spring and I hope really super crazy hard that it will work this time too.

So, you will likely be subjected to more whining about weight, exercise, lack of chocolate. I will be feeling bitchy, deprived and really irritated that I am no longer skinny with a 20 year old’s metabolism. How fucking unfair is that??!! Screw you big fat belly and weak food addicted brain!! GAWD!!! Anyway, I apologize in advance for the extra whining. Oh hell, who are we kidding…you’d probably never even notice a difference…

Talk at ya later.


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