What is Wrong With Me??!!

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You’re too sensitive.

You’re too angry.

Get over it.

Let it go.

It’s not worth it.

It’s not your place.

You cannot change anything.

Why can’t you just be happy?

You are hurting yourself and your family.

Move on.

You over-share.

You are too open.

What will people think?

Just forget about it.

These are things I hear from people, quite a lot actually. I don’t know why I do not seem to have that switch which others possess. The one that can make me turn off an emotion, stick my head in the sand or simply brush off all that has happened in my life. I am not acceptable to others…even those who claim to love me. This has been happening, these have been said to me for many years. I will never be good enough and apparently I am not normal.

I will give you one example, though it is only one small occurrence in an ocean of occurrences. I cannot say too much as I made a promise not to discuss certain things publicly.

Someone I know is manipulating services and people to the point of it actually being illegal. This person is great at what he/she does and has the power to make people see what he/she wants them to see. This person has been practicing this talent since childhood and has certainly perfected it. Now I see this person doing something very wrong, very unfair. And I cannot seem to stop it from bothering me to the point of sheer anger and frustration. If I heard about it on the TV or if it was some guy down the road, it would piss me off…but I wouldn’t think much of it again. But the fact that it is in my face…in my life…I cannot seem to ignore it. It doesn’t do anyone any good for me to be mad. I am the one with all the bad feelings…me feeling negatively doesn’t make this other person feel negatively. It doesn’t change anything. I know this cognitively…but I cannot seem to change this. I am furious and I don’t want to be. This person did things to hurt me. And I will suffer forever because of it. Watching this person get away with murder while I continue to face unjust consequences makes me so sick to my stomach.

Yet the people in my life do not seem to understand. I am suppose to shrug it off. Can someone out there tell me how? Please??

I dream of a day when someone out there truly understands me.

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

4 responses »

  1. I read your blog because it is interesting. I see a lot of what you see. I see injustice all over, like when I get pulled over for a burned out headlight, and while sitting there 3 more cars go by with the same condition. I get pulled over for supposedly running a red light that was clearly yellow. I sit at a light and some one zips through on a solid red with a cop right there and nothing. I don’t have that switch to forget it either. I don’t vent as publically as you do, but I still have it in me. I keep too much in and then at some point I explode, so I don’t know what is worse, venting all the time or saving it up. I don’t know you or the people around you, but encouragement from them to think positive instead of berating you would seem a better course of action. You are not worthless, or negative or just a head case. You have been dealt a raw deal with CCAP and other stuff. I can certainly understand how you feel. Keep your head up, smile when you can and laugh. Life is too short to let everyone keep you down.

  2. I had someone in my past that did terrible things to me, and to this day acts as if they are in the right and has never apologized…

    I held onto so much pain and anger and bitterness. Until I realized how lucky I was to get away from this person, and I learned to look at this negative experience as something that makes me more complete and strong as an individual. I dedicated myself to telling others about what happened to me and helping those who came forward in the same situation to get out of it, or at least begin to understand how to get out of it.

    Helping others heal actually healed much of my pain (not all of it). It takes you out of the position of passive victim and puts you back in a position of active power. That one change will change a person’s entire perspective.

    • Hopefully someday you can share more about this with me. I need to learn how to get to that point. I have to keep a lot in yet…for fear of hurting others. So I have to wonder if I can get over the anger without letting it all out?? Anyway, thank you so much Angie. I really appreciate your words.

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