I hate shopping. You may already know this as I have stomped and whined about it before. Making my way through the tight paths in between stuffed racks, the confused elderly and demonic, armless mannequins is pretty much the intro to any good nightmare. The stores are always about 20 degrees too hot, the dressing room lighting is far too honest and the clothing is usually made for size 0 teeny boppers or 70 year old lovers of synthetic fabrics. The leather leggings makes me look like a fine deli sausage while the Christmas tree adorning fleece top makes me look like that crazy lady with one eyebrow and 60 cats. I often release tears and groans and various expletives during these excursions and if I am not alone, the person with me will likely leave hating me. So, yea, shopping fucking sucks.

My first internet experience was back in the early 90s with Prodigy and then onto AOL. I didn’t find much use for it and I hated chat rooms. But one night, after one too many Rolling Rocks, I strolled around some AOL user profiles. I came across one and I without hesitation clicked that devilish send button. I just HAD to find out if that was the profile of an old high school boyfriend. It wasn’t. But it strangely turned in to a decade long friendship. I was in love from that moment on. Oh, not with him (well…that’s a whole seperate story) but with this new found internetwebonline nonsense.

What in thee hell do these two things have to do with each other? Not much. EXCEPT that years after that semi-useless world of AOL, I discovered internet shopping. (This is when you will hear falsetto ‘hallelujahs’ and the ringing of sweet, sweet bells). Fast forward to the present…I purchase probably 60% of my items via internet. Beauty products (though I am currently super pissed off at Sephora right now), clothes, DVDs, gifts of all sorts, books…really just about anything you can think of. I even ordered groceries from Peapod once. But weirdly, I do not detest the grocery store as I do others…so I still make that trip.

Anyway, internet shopping has been a godsend. Well, I am not sure how much God really has to do with it. Something tells me she doesn’t really give two shits whether I suffer through Kohl’s Department Store or not. Regardless, its totally my bag. Now, enters my intense desire to be as frugal as possible. In other words – I am a total cheap ass. So shopping online actually takes longer you’d think. I obsess about comparing prices. I search endlessly for promo codes and coupons. I will scour the net until I find the very best deal. Which I suppose isn’t a terrible thing. Just slightly neurotic.

In the past week I/we (my husband also suffers from this obsessive tendency to over-research) have gotten some pretty good deals online. A Wii Console with Wii Fit and Balance Board for $250 at Walmart.com – free shipping. My parents Xmas gift (which I cannot reveal until after Saturday) for about $50 (at least) less than regular price. And best of all…I have been wanting the Reebok Easytone (they no longer have the color/style I bought) shoes since they came out. I have never seen them priced below $79.99. Never ever. And, duh, of course I looked. Well, yesterday at 6pm.com I was able to purchase them for 42.90 including shipping. God (yea, cuz she cares about this too), I hope they work. I seriously need to muscle up my non-existent ass. I am not asking for a J-lo ass…maybe just one of her cheeks. Anywho…I am happy with my purchases lately (again, EXCEPT for Sephora…shit pisses me off…perhaps I will share the saga later).

However, I am kinda disappointed (what, did ya think I would write a strickly positive blog…you clearly do not know me well) because since internet shopping, I have really enjoyed searching for the perfect Christmas gifts. I almost always do the shopping for others as well. You know, busier people…with lives, and things to do. I could totally kick ass in a Personal Shopper position. Well, this year, we have very little shopping to accomplish. No one can afford or seems interested in exchanging gifts anymore. And you know what really sucks about that, right? I want my fucking presents!!! Charlie and I usually agree not to buy gifts. And for birthdays and anniversaries…if I get something, it is something I picked out for myself. So, Christmas was that one time I could get excited (because emotionally, I am 7) about the wonderful surprises I would get to open. Yes, I admit it…I am completely self involved…a spoiled brat…and I want my presents!! Damn economy taking away my selfish Christmas joy!!

But also, like I mentioned, I really enjoyed shopping for others. I would take weeks to pick out that perfect gift (you know, the ones stashed in the closets of my loved ones as I type these very words). Maybe they didn’t like or appreciate them…but much thought was always involved and I thought they should love them (isn’t that what really matters?). But now, we no longer exchange with my brother/sis in law or Charlie’s brother/sis in law. Charlie has one grandparent left, I have none. I have no friends to exchange with. Not close with anyone at work. So, this year I have little to do and little to get. And you can preach to me about the true meaning of Christmas and baby Jesus and family love all you want…but you know damn well you love tearing open that wasteful, ugly wrapping paper just as much as I do. Well, maybe not JUST as much…but I can’t possibly be the only asshole. Right? RIGHT??!!

This blog is brought to you by the promotion code: wahwah


3 thoughts on “No Presents on Christmas? Screw that.

  1. Hi Heather,

    I’m interested in using this picture in a speech for the president of CompanyValues. May I have your permission?? I will put your website as a reference.

    By the way, congratulations on your success and perseverance in the blogosphere. Very impressive.


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