While I am thankful (going to try to fit this word in as much as annoyingly possible in the next 2 days) I do not have to clean the house twice, cook for hours and have a shit load of dishes…I am pretty bummed that I will not be gracing our taste buds with my back pattingly good turkey. And because I would hate to see all those turkeys killed only to be ruined by neglectful cooks…I feel the obligation to share with you my turkey recipe. Say goodbye to that shoe leather your family usually chokes down…and you can thank me in Sephora, Old Navy and Victoria’s Secret gift cards.

First thing you need to know is that you must start this TODAY…so get off that bum and get to a local hardware store so you can buy a new, clean 5 gallon bucket. Please do not use the one in the garage which may or may not have had chipmunk poop or paint chips in it.

You will then rinse the turkey as usual and geez Louise…take out the innards sack. Then put the bird into the bucket. You will then fill the bucket with about one gallon of water, about a gallon of stock, a shit load of ice and about a cup or two of salt. Some people may choose to add spices such as peppercorns or allspice…I don’t bother. You will then put this bucket – cover it with plastic wrap or if it came with a cover, obviously, use that – and put it somewhere cold…like your back porch or garage. If you live in Florida (do you even HAVE Thanksgiving down there??) I don’t friggin know…make room in the fridge I suppose. It will sit in this brine for approximately 12 hours. If it is 8 hours, that’s fine. 16 hours, also fine. Just make sure it is a long ass time.

Tomorrow, take the bucket and dump out the water…to be honest, I dump it in the bushes so that turkey spudge doesn’t splash up into my face or counter as I try this in the sink. Time to prepare. Preheat to 500. Yes, 500. Rinse the turkey and pat dry. Place in your pan, on a rack preferably. Now it is time to stuff the gobbler. And this is probably thee most important part. Do not…I repeat…DO NOT stuff that bird with stuffing!!!! It ruins the stuffing AND the bird. It sucks up the turkey juices making the meat dry. And it turns the stuffing into a mushy breeding ground for holiday ecoli (and those are the worst kind because they are usually drunk and start fights at the dinner table…much like Aunt Helen). 

You will be stuffing your turkey with flavorful items. I use apples, onions and spices (typically cinnamon stick, thyme, sage…). You could go the citrus route and use oranges and lemons. But my way is better. Take these items and put them in a bowl with a little water. Microwave for a couple minutes. Then using tongs, place the items in the turkey’s ass.

Slather the bird with either olive or canola oil. Salt and pepper.

You will then roast the turkey for 30 minutes at 500 degrees. After this, take out the turkey and insert a thermometer in the breast. Do not trust that pop up thingy. Once in, LEAVE IT. Do not move it or take it out, you will lose the juices. Turn the oven down to 350 and roast until temp reads 160. Do not open the oven to baste the bird. This is unnecessary and lets out the heat which needs to remain consistent. When you do check after about 2 hours, do it quickly.

Once temp reaches 160, take the bird out, cover with aluminum foil and let it rest. Do NOT take out the thermometer or pop up thing. Do NOT cut the bird. It must rest for at least 15 minutes to remain juicey lucy.

Carve it up and graciously accept your many compliments.

Later…my stuffing recipe which is also better than yours.

Wink wink…nudge nudge. Have a swell day!!!


2 thoughts on “My Bird Can Beat Up Your Bird

  1. Yes! About 7 years ago I was watching Food Network and got Alton’s brine idea. I made some changes but it is much like the way he did it. Turns out great every time!! Way better than those horrible deep fried turkeys everyone seems to make these days…

  2. Your recipe is exactly how I’d planned to try it this year, a la Alton Brown. I’m not usually a huge turkey fan but am looking forward to this one. Thanks!

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