Various pills
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I am home with the kids all week. No work until next Monday and I am glad. Yesterday was enough for a while. I just feel like I should be much better than I am by now. My mind isn’t what it used to be and I seem to forget A LOT more than I did years ago. I hate making mistakes and the people I work with (mainly managers and cook staff) act as though I am a total fuck wad if I make a mistake. It all feels so demoralizing. Anyway, the break is welcomed even if I do have to listen to whining and arguing all day.

So a little over 2 weeks ago, I started taking a new medicine. I talked about it last week, Lamictal. I am now on my third step up on the dosing. I started at 12.5mg for one week, then 25mg for a week, now 37.5 for one week…so on and so forth until I hit 100mg. But if I notice I feel better at say 75mg, I will stop there. I had a scare over the weekend. Lamictal has a significant risk of causing a reaction call Steven Johnson’s Syndrome, which if not taken care of quickly enough, can be fatal. Some of the initial symptoms are rash, mouth sores, eye sores, fever, neck pain and spine pain. Last week I developed a small red patch right under my bottom lip and above my chin. I don’t really get reddish acne and though it was small, I worried it was the beginning of the dreaded “Lamictal Rash”. I also noticed two small bumps on the inside of my bottom lip. Like the beginning of a canker sore. I used to get canker sores in my teens and 20s quite a bit. But since I have had Cassidy – virtually none at all. So, getting these was too much of a coincidence in my mind.

I called my Dr. and he said he wanted me to take one more dose to see if the rash spread. If it did or if I developed more sores in my mouth or throat, we would know that the Lamictal is to blame. After hours of indecision, I took the medicine and was fine the next morning. Those sores never developed into cankers and are now gone. And the rash seems to be going away. Now, I have a swollen gum behind my two front teeth and it is REALLY bothering me (and it BETTER go away by Thanksgiving because I am planning on some serious grubbing!!). I have done some reading online and it seems others have had similar side effects and in most cases it seems these symptoms go away once the body adjusts to the med. You have to wonder how toxic these medications really are. But I am at the point where I just want – no, NEED – to feel better. So, I will continue on this path until and unless the side effects become unbearable. I have read countless stories how this medication has saved lives. That it has been the saving grace when other meds never worked. So…crossing my fingers!!!

Tonight we have parent teacher conferences. Cassidy’s is earlier in the evening and I will probably go alone while Charlie sits with the kids. Kenzie’s is later and I probably won’t go because her mom and dad will both go and I really don’t need to be there. I have kind of become less of a parenting role to her. It is sad, but necessary. Let them take care of it. Meanwhile, I am sure both conferences will be positive and probably take a total of 10 minutes. Both of the girls are super smart and well behaved (at school anyway lol) so, I cannot imagine getting any negative reports. Last year at Cassidy’s conference I had to explain to the teacher why I could not be a room parent. It was so humiliating. I am hoping that doesn’t come up again. It is bad enough that I don’t know how to explain that to Cassidy. She wants to know why other moms help in the class/school but I don’t. I want her to know so much that I really want to be there and do all of those things. But what am I suppose to say??

So, last week sure was an interesting one. I think I talked about this guy before, but I cannot remember for sure. Years ago, The Journal Times had a different way of comments/blogging on their site. It was a pretty active forum with a lot of regulars. You would get to know people – not usually by their real names – but you got to know many of them just by having discussions about so many different topics every day. I even had lunch once with a group of ladies from the site. Well, there was one guy I would talk with a lot. We disagreed politically but we had things in common as well. He was also a step parent and had bouts of depression. We would email each other here and there and just chatted about various things. Nothing romantic or bad in anyway, we never once met or exchanged pictures. I truly wouldn’t recognize him if I saw him in public – even if he were standing right in front of me. Anyway, last summer his wife sent me an email telling me to leave him alone. It was pretty irrational and I felt bad for him for being under such restrictions. I was also angry because I enjoyed talking to him. But I didn’t talk to him again. Well, last week I was going through my contacts and found what was his number – how I would email him as he would get the emails on his phone. I sent a message asking if it was still his number. That is ALL I said. I wanted to keep his info just in case. And I was considering writing to him to ask about medications he has taken for his problem because I know very few people who have taken Lamictal and was hoping he may offer some personal experience with it. But I didn’t, I just asked him if it was still his number. About 10 minutes later his wife emails me and absolutely went nuts. She was telling me that he has a history of cheating and doesn’t understand why I wont leave him alone. One email in over 6 months is not leaving him alone?? Honestly, I was thinking that he probably set her straight the last time and explained to her I was not a threat – that we had never met or did anything wrong. Guess not. She went ape shit and decided to email Charlie and tell him I that I wouldn’t leave her husband alone. Well, that brought it to a whole new level and I was about 2 seconds away from showing up at her door. Just because she is insecure and stays in a marriage which is clearly miserable doesn’t mean she needed to throw a wrench into mine. I was LIVID. I explained everything too her, how she was getting worked up over absolutely nothing and to NEVER interfere in my family again. I also told her that if I were under such restrictions and being investigated by my spouse, that I would probably leave or cheat too. Sorry, but its true. I used to be super jealous and possessive and I lost every boyfriend I cared about because of it.  She is in for a long, difficult time if she pursues this desire to control him so vigilantly. Charlie also responded to her explaining that he knew about my conversations with this guy and that he was not worried – that he trusts me. I was very worried at first because Charlie can be jealous at times. He doesn’t like me going out without him and often worries about silly things. Luckily he doesn’t take it to an irrational level. He knows me. He knows I wouldn’t cheat and that I love him. And I know the same about him. So, it worked out fine…but for a couple hours – I was about to do some neck kicking. Needless to say, I will NEVER contact that guy again. SO not worth it. But I wish him the best of luck…how exhausting that must be.

Well, that is all for now. I should get off my ass and try to accomplish something today. Talk at ya later 🙂


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