I Know, I Know…Bad Blogger…

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Since starting the new job – even though it is only a couple hours a week – I have just not had the time, motivation or desire to write. I will have fleeting ideas I wish I could quickly blog about; but that wouldn’t work. Its just that the hours I DO work are the same hours when I used to write. Anyway, I will need to find a new balance.

The job is going…well…its going. I suck, man. Seriously…I am too old for this shit. I cannot remember things like I used to. I am not as fast as I used to be. I always feel intimidated by everyone from the customers to the young waitresses to the Spanish speaking cooks to the management. I hate HATE feeling that way. Right now, I am serving about 3 lunch shifts a week. So far, I have made about 7-8 bucks an hour. Absolutely ridiculous!!! The work load doesn’t match the pay – not even close. I used to get paid 14 bucks an hour for sitting on my ass!! And what a racket these restaurant owners have. They pay the waitstaff 2.33 an hour. And you HAVE to claim tips so checks can end up being 0. And its not like people tip appropriately. Many do…but yesterday I had a table who I bent over backwards for all their ridiculous requests and they tipped me 3 bucks on a $36 bill. She even told me how lovely and nice I was. Thanks, but that doesn’t pay the bills…enjoy your ribs I had to special order for you by speaking to an angry cook who speaks maybe 3 words in English. ANYWAY…so they pay the waitstaff next to nothing. Bartenders make LESS than minimum wage. Yet all of these employees physically work their asses off keeping the place running!!! What kind of SHIT is that?? Why isn’t there a service industry union??

So, I will try to make it work as long as I can. Maybe the money will get better during the holidays – hopefully enough to make it worth it. And then I will probably have the surgery (hysterectomy) shortly after that. Ugh, another thing I absolutely do NOT want to think about. The whole idea of going under…I just cannot get over the fear. I mean, is this really worth risking DEATH for? Also I have these moments for great sadness when I realize the loss I will be experiencing. I was watching Raising Hope today. In this show is THEE cutest baby ever. The show is a comedy – and a fuckin’ hilarious one at that – yet I was in tears. GAWD!! I am such a mess. I just cannot think about it now.

A little over a week ago, I started a new medication . The brand name Wellbutrin made no positive difference. In fact, I felt worse. Who freakin’ knows why. So I went back to the generic and my doc added Lamictal (also generic). It is suppose to hopefully give a boost when patients are med resistant – which apparently I am. On Lamictal, you have to start SUPER slow because there is a significant chance of a reaction called Steven Johnson Syndrome. It starts with a rash most often – or open sores in the eye and/or mouth area. If the medication is not quickly stopped at the first signs of this reaction, it could be deadly and had also left people with horrible scarring. It will basically get to the point of having big gapping wounds on your body – like flesh eating bacteria. The pictures on the internet are pretty nasty. Needless to say, this scares the bejeezus out of me. It can happen day one or year three. Its ridiculous. But doc assures me that I will know if I get it and as long as I stop taking the med, I will be just fine. Anyway, because of this, it is crucial that one titrate up on the dosage very slowly. I started at 12.5mg for the first week and just started 25mg last night. I will do this each week until I hit 100mg and then see from there.

I did notice the effects today. I just felt ill and woozy. Apparently this is normal with a dosage change. So, we shall see if this does the trick. If not, I have already decided I will go off all antidepressants and see how I am with nothing. I don’t even remember how I felt before them now. A part of me thinks I am worse off now than I was without medication. I just want to feel happy. Or at least feel that I have the ability to feel happy. I want to get excited and enthused by things again. I want to feel motivated and inspired again. I want to feel completely present for my family…I want to be a good mom. I want to stop getting so irritated by stupid, meaningless shit. I want to let things go and move on from the past. I want to feel awake and alive. Is this all too much to ask? Perhaps.

I have much more I would like to write about. Saw Social Network and really loved it. I want to find the time to write a review this week. I have been writing to many people in hopes (again) to get my record expunged. I want to write about this too. So, hopefully I will find the motivation to write more this week. But for now, I am tired and want to drift away to the sound of my TV. So, talk at ya later 🙂

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2 responses »

  1. Wellbutrin did wonders for me. It has the advantage of not being an SSRI (the species of drug Prozak and its ilk are), which lets you dodge tons of nasty side effects. Lamictal I had less success with, and if my doc was to believed, generic has more problems with the rash than the name brand. (Of course, he may have just been shilling for the pharm-corps). Good luck.

    • Thanks for your input Mike! It makes me feel better to hear others’ experiences with this stuff. I really liked the WB at first, but after the honeymoon period it kinda pooped out a little bit. Were hoping the Lamictal will give it the boost it needs. So far so good as far as side effects (knocking on wood!!!). Best of luck to you too!!

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