In the past two weeks I have mentioned countlessly how fearful I am about going back to work – which is happening in 3 days. My last serving job was at George’s Tavern in Racine. I worked there on the weekends as a second job about 10 years ago both bartending and cocktail serving. George’s became a second home to me at the time and when I wasn’t working one of my jobs, I was usually hanging out there. After all, I lived alone at the time with no boyfriend or other responsibilities. A good friend was a full time bartender there and I became friends with other employees and regulars. So, I was comfortable there even though I was not necessarily the best service employee.
Before that…about 4 years prior to that actually…I worked at The Chancery for about a year and a half to two years. There, I was strictly a server. I was never great. Could only carry three plates at a time. But I eventually became at ease and I was good with the customers.
During all of these years – in my 20s – I was young, free, energetic, thin, quick witted, fun, could drink caffeine (very helpful) and had the help of social alcohol once in a while (cough).
Fast forward to a time when I am achy, tired, trying to remember why I walked into a room, not able to have any coffee, boring, socially awkward and have a family and home to take care of while away from work. So much has changed. And because of that I have changed so much. I think of those things and I DREAD this upcoming week like a thousand root canals.
I feel like I am going to walk in there and be old and fat and ugly and forgetful and klutzy and that I won’t fit in at all. I worry the manager will push me into bartending (this has already been evident) in which case I will have to wear a very tight, low cut, spandex shirt which reminds me of a Hooter’s outfit. The thought grosses me out and will soon gross others out when they see my muffin top.
I worry so much that I will no longer have the energy to exercise as much as I do now. I barely have the energy for that now without a job. I try to exercises 45-60 mins a day six days a week. And on top of that I am going to be around greasy, wonderful smelling food all the time. I have little to no self control when it comes to food sometimes. Seriously. If I start gaining weight back I am going to FREAK.
I also am catastrophizing on another level. I am worrying about being in uncomfortable situations as to who I may have to serve. My husband’s ex’s family (some of them) for example. That would be HORRIBLE. An ex boyfriend’s family…a guy I may have messed around with 15 years ago…a nemesis from high school who is now rich and successful and always knew I would amount to nothing more than a waitress. See!!?? This is where my mind goes.
I also mentioned in a prior post that I need to start eating on a healthier schedule. As it is now, I eat nothing until about 11-12 o’clock and that is just a protein shake. I then eat dinner around 5 and after that I kind munch until I go to sleep. Its mostly all healthy food, but that doesn’t make it okay. And I don’t go to sleep until around midnight many days. Charlie wakes up about 6 and once I am awakened I cannot fall back to sleep so that usually means I wake up at 6 too. I absolutely HAVE to start eating breakfast, stop eating after 8 pm, and get to sleep by 10:30 tops.
So this weekend…in these last 3 days before starting this new job…I need to find a way to calm myself down. I need to find a way to reassure myself that it doesn’t matter what others think even if I do mess up or look out of place. I need to remind myself that if I am absolutely miserable I can just quit and that it doesn’t have to be and probably won’t be a permanent situation. I need to realize that although I will probably be one of the oldest servers…there has got to be a couple older than I am. And I have to just hope that I can maintain the energy and weight loss I need by adopting better eating and sleep habits.
So, can I – in 3 days – realize, reassure, relax and remind enough to keep myself from going mental??