Can I Stop Myself from Going Completely Mental?

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A Waitress at Duval's Restaurant)

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In the past two weeks I have mentioned countlessly how fearful I am about going back to work – which is happening in 3 days. My last serving job was at George’s Tavern in Racine. I worked there on the weekends as a second job about 10 years ago both bartending and cocktail serving. George’s became a second home to me at the time and when I wasn’t working one of my jobs, I was usually hanging out there. After all, I lived alone at the time with no boyfriend or other responsibilities.  A good friend was a full time bartender there and I became friends with other employees and regulars.  So, I was comfortable there even though I was not necessarily the best service employee.

Before that…about 4 years prior to that actually…I worked at The Chancery for about a year and a half to two years. There, I was strictly a server. I was never great. Could only carry three plates at a time. But I eventually became at ease and I was good with the customers.

During all of these years – in my 20s – I was young, free, energetic, thin, quick witted, fun, could drink caffeine (very helpful) and had the help of social alcohol once in a while (cough).

Fast forward to a time when I am achy, tired, trying to remember why I walked into a room, not able to have any coffee, boring, socially awkward and have a family and home to take care of while away from work. So much has changed. And because of that I have changed so much. I think of those things and I DREAD this upcoming week like a thousand root canals.

I feel like I am going to walk in there and be old and fat and ugly and forgetful and klutzy and that I won’t fit in at all. I worry the manager will push me into bartending (this has already been evident) in which case I will have to wear a very tight, low cut, spandex shirt which reminds me of a Hooter’s outfit. The thought grosses me out and will soon gross others out when they see my muffin top.

I worry so much that I will no longer have the energy to exercise as much as I do now. I barely have the energy for that now without a job. I try to exercises 45-60 mins a day six days a week. And on top of that I am going to be around greasy, wonderful smelling food all the time. I have little to no self control when it comes to food sometimes. Seriously. If I start gaining weight back I am going to FREAK.

I also am catastrophizing on another level. I am worrying about being in uncomfortable situations as to who I may have to serve. My husband’s ex’s family (some of them) for example. That would be HORRIBLE. An ex boyfriend’s family…a guy I may have messed around with 15 years ago…a nemesis from high school who is now rich and successful and always knew I would amount to nothing more than a waitress. See!!?? This is where my mind goes.

I also mentioned in a prior post that I need to start eating on a healthier schedule. As it is now, I eat nothing until about 11-12 o’clock and that is just a protein shake. I then eat dinner around 5 and after that I kind munch until I go to sleep. Its mostly all healthy food, but that doesn’t make it okay. And I don’t go to sleep until around midnight many days. Charlie wakes up about 6 and once I am awakened I cannot fall back to sleep so that usually means I wake up at 6 too. I absolutely HAVE to start eating breakfast, stop eating after 8 pm, and get to sleep by 10:30 tops.

So this weekend…in these last 3 days before starting this new job…I need to find a way to calm myself down. I need to find a way to reassure myself that it doesn’t matter what others think even if I do mess up or look out of place. I need to remind myself that if I am absolutely miserable I can just quit and that it doesn’t have to be and probably won’t be a permanent situation. I need to realize that although I will probably be one of the oldest servers…there has got to be a couple older than I am. And I have to just hope that I can maintain the energy and weight loss I need by adopting better eating and sleep habits.

So, can I – in 3 days – realize, reassure, relax and remind enough to keep myself from going mental??

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

One response »

  1. You’ve probably started working by now and are so tired you don’t have the energy to worry. Things to keep in mind: The first two weeks of ANY new job suck, and you will want to quit at least once, probably more. You have family members that love you, and I’ll assume friends. You don’t need to worry about X’s or anyone else you serve. They are no longer important to you. If I saw an X come in, I’d think of it as an opportunity. You hold the power. You will be bringing them food to eat. Will you spit in it? Only you will know for sure. (Of course you wouldn’t spit in it, but if roles were reversed, wouldn’t you worry?) Doing a job well is more important that the job itself. Hold your head high. Just having a job in these economic times is something to be proud of.

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