Clawing to the Edge So I Don’t Fall Off

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Having a really bad day so far. Right now, I am planning on writing this, doing a short time on the dreadmill and then taking some ativan and going to bed. Maybe I will feel a little better after I exercise, but highly unlikely.

I talked about my appointment last week when I found out that I will be needing to have a hysterectomy. This scares me so much. It makes me feel as though a part of my life is ending. It makes me come to the full realization that I will never have another child. I wanted to wait until after the holidays, but now I am not sure that is possible. Due to insurance deductibles, I may need to have it done before the end of this year. I am hoping not…I will be finding out later when Charlie can call. They won’t give me ANY information even though it is about ME and I am his spouse. It is so fucking stupid.

I have beed trying to distract myself all weekend. But I cannot stop thinking about it. These last few days I have been anxiety ridden like no other time since being on my anxiety/panic medication. Luckily it hasn’t gone to full blown attacks…but the anxiety is causing physical symptoms and waking me up at night. This morning I felt like I couldn’t breath very well.

I have been told that my Dr is over reacting. However I haven’t shared everything. I had another surgery about 5 years ago to remove pre-cancerous cells (a very fast growing, deadly strain) from my cervix. Though most of the cervix was removed, there is still the possibility of the dysplagia returning. He thinks that with that history, the placement of the fibroid and my current symptoms…that this is the best and safest choice. Of course I keep hearing horror stories too. Its a tough decision. But it seems like it would be the wisest choice.

And then I learned that someone in my life is pregnant. I wanted to appear happy for them and I hope I did. But it was very hard to hear since it was the same day I learned that my uterus is going to be ripped out. I am sure my lack of enthusiasm was probably bitched about. But I really did try.

This new job looming in the not so distant future is also petrifying to me. Starting ANY job would scare me and really put me out of my comfort zone after being home for so long. But THIS job in particular is just so intimidating. Serving and bartending are jobs I have not done in over a decade. I have social anxiety, I am a lot more forgetful in my older years and I am a total klutz. Yet in 5 years, this is the only job to ever call me back let alone hire me. And we NEED the money, so there is no choice. Also, for the bartending part of the job I am to wear a very tight low cut referee style spandex top. Maybe a half notch away from Hooters wear. I cannot tell you my discomfort. I have lost 32 pounds…but I am still quite pudgy and also too old to be in a top like that. Its humiliating and embarrassing. I start on Monday the 18th and as it gets closer I fear I will begin to panic. 

My mom spent the night for the first time in a very long time on Saturday. She had taken Cassidy for the day to an Open House for her work. Everything was fine, until the next morning. We have established that we cannot talk about politics. She is a tea partier and clearly, I am not. I do not have a huge issue with her having her own beliefs. But I do NOT want to be preached to. She will not change my mind about my fundamental beliefs and I know I will not change her’s. So I have continually asked her and told her that we cannot talk about it.

But it is like she cannot help herself. I feel like she is in a cult and trying to recruit. It is creepy to me. Yea, obviously I care and talk about political and social issues…even more than many people. But it is NOT my life. It is seeming more and more that her political involvement is more important than her relationship with her daughter and I simply do not understand it.  She started in on Sunday morning and after my trying to let it go, she wouldn’t stop. So I angrily stated a point or two of my own and shortly after that she left. Before walking out the door she said, “Well, I love you anyway.”

She knows how overwhelmed I am and have been this past week. I do not understand what she was trying to accomplish by bringing up these topics with me. I do not understand why she feels it is acceptable to talk down to and condescend me. I just don’t understand any of it. What I do understand is that I am sick and tired of being hurt by those I love. I try so hard to keep the peace, fix all the problems, make sure everyone is ok and happy…I feel as though I (since a young age) have been sorta the matriarch of this small family. But I am exhausted. And I just cannot tend to other people’s issues at my own expense any longer. I can’t do it. Especially when they cannot EVER be there for me when I most need it.

My mom and I were best friends. Now it is like we cannot stand each other. I am able to put things away in the back of my mind. I can live in denial really well actually. I can forgive and forget like nobody’s business. But I wont just sit by when others will not do the same for the good of the relationship. Does it bother me that my mother is a tea bagger? Yes. A lot. But I also know it would only harm and do damage to both of us if I verbalize that. Not EVERYthing needs to be discussed. And yet the things that do, get ignored.

I feel physically sick. I am just feeling like I cannot handle all of this anymore. It is constant and I am always in pain. I cannot do this much longer.

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One response »

  1. I had laser surgery of the cervix twice for the same thing and went on to have a whole pile of kids! Every situation is different of course, but regardless of the additional information you added today, there have been so many news reports the past few years about Dr.’s pushing/rushing women into hysterectomies which they did not actually need. With any major non-elective surgery it is always best to have a second opinion. a second set of eyes can help you with either the same conclusion OR alternative suggestions of there are any. That said, you would want it from someone who is NOT an associate of or recommended by the current Dr.

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