When I started blogging about 6 or so years ago…I did it as a way to get my story about the abuse charges out there. To get the whole truthful story out there in my defense since anyone can see the accusations on CCAP. It turned into a whole new animal which became a source of support, release, creativity and just simply became an important part of my life.
I try to live a very authentic and honest life. To a fault sometimes, actually. And that has made blogging somewhat difficult. I want to be completely honest and open and up front in my writing. Otherwise, I wouldn’t see the value in it for me. However, some of my overly honest blogs have hurt people in the past. Not often and not many…but it has happened. Mostly to just one person, my husband’s ex wife.
For a long time, I honestly didn’t care. I try to protect others by leaving many things out of my blog world. I never want to hurt or embarrass my loved ones. But she has made me so angry and has hurt me so many times that I just didn’t care anymore when it came to writing about her. Plus, I never had any evidence or reason to believe she ever read my blog. For many years, I never heard one word about it from her. About a year ago is when it was first mentioned.
After that I attempted to control what I wrote in regards to her and our interactions. But as the anger crept back, I would fall back into that mode of not caring and just wrote what I wanted.
This morning I received an email from her stating that the things I say about her in my blog hurts her and makes it hard for her to make things better. I replied:
You are right. I think I have gotten used to being open about it because of
the need to defend myself and it turned into my release. A while ago I said
I was not going to discuss you anymore and then something happened to make
me angry again. I am trying to find a way to be an honest/open blogger (I
know many of you think it is stupid…but it has become a part of what I do
and who I am) without hurting or embarrassing others. There are other things
going on in my life that I cannot even BEGIN to talk about openly…and so
perhaps I was too open about what I can talk about.
I will write something today about this and I will try to not bring you up
Again, I had no clue that you or anyone you know ever read my blog. I didn’t
even think you knew about the new one. But that is not an excuse. I will
make a public apology and I won’t disparage you anymore.
I am really frustrated with Kenzie’s behavior lately. She embarrassed us at
POTP by crying half the time just because she couldn’t get you to come down
there and we didn’t want to wait in the cold ass rain. It is something like
that almost every day. She acts very young for her age. And, yea, I guess I
blamed you because I know she doesn’t get that from here. But regardless, I
cannot think about what goes on at your house and I shouldn’t mention it
I do apologize.
What I said, I meant. It isn’t right for me to continue to talk so openly about another person’s issues, past and troubles. It will be difficult not to write about certain things as it plays such a big role in my life. And I wonder how other bloggers deal with these issues. Seriously, I am asking…how? But as of today, I will make a sincere effort to not bad mouth my step daughter’s mother on my blog.
For those of you who know me or who have followed my blog, you already know what has happened and I suppose I no longer have the need to defend myself. Speaking poorly of her, truthful or not (I want to make it clear that I have never lied), it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t do anyone any good…it doesn’t help anyone – other than getting it off my chest, which is purely selfish. And there is just no reason for it.
I have talked about how the past years have turned me into a person I do not like. I have gone from laid back, funny, easy going and compassionate to mean, bitter, angry and resentful. Its ugly and I hate it. Saying mean things about another person doesn’t make it better, it makes it uglier. Holding my tongue has ALWAYS – seriously, since childhood – has been the hardest thing for me. But there are times in life when it is necessary. I don’t want to be this person anymore. I miss the old me. I only hope she isn’t dead.
This is taking a lot for me I hope you know. Admitting fault, apologizing to someone who has hurt me a lot and making these changes is very VERY difficult for me. But I cannot expect others to change and mature if I do not.