After reading some disparaging comments about me on TJT site this morning, I became upset. My friend made a comment which has me thinking…

What a fucking poet! IDK what the hell goes on here to make people so nasty and hate-filled, and I know you didn’t ask my opinion….please don’t take it wrong, you know I’m always on your side and I love you, BUT…if you don’t involve yo…urself with these hypercritical asshats, then they have nothing to say, right? They clearly gather info from your blog, right? But how do they gain access to it? If certain people have such closed minds and one sided views, why do they have the ability to gain more ammunition from something (your blog) that is personal? I say cut them the hell off. They are ignorant, and unfortunately, you will never be able to change that.
I realized long ago that having a public blog puts me out there for criticism and attacks. And perhaps some days my skin is thinner than on other days. I guess I have just found that the benefits to my blogging greatly outweighs the negatives. I meet a lot of nice, helpful, good people. I make contacts. I have been able to help others. I enjoy discussion. I love to write. And it is basically my only outlet in my self isolated world right now.
Another friend said this:
Heather, If u posted ur ideas on a blog for a paper in la or ny no one would flinch. Racine is full of uncultured morons. I would take it as a compliment that they don’t like you.
And I know she is right. So why is this bothering me so much. Why am I so sensitive today to strangers who for all I know are living in their parent’s basement, 500 lbs, with drool dripping from their chins and no redeeming qualities whatsoever….I do not know. I have to stop thinking of that one single forum as a microcosm of Racine’s population. By the words they use, they clearly do not know me or anything about me for that matter – so why should their thoughts matter to me? I suppose they don’t. It just can be painful when people so easily spread lies and defame my character based on those lies. Its happened to me before, so I suppose I am hyper sensitive to it.
Something happened to me growing up. I will not get into it now…probably never. But no one listened. No one cared or did anything about it. I think it can easily be understood why I am now such a loud person. I am animated in my speaking, my volume rises the more passionate I am about something and I have this need to be heard. NOT agreed with, but heard. It also hurts me a great deal when I am in situations where no one will stand in my corner. When I do not get the help or defense or stood up for it brings me back to those times as a child. What I need to finally understand is that there is no one in this life who can defend me other than myself. There is no one who can help me other than myself. What I do not receive from others, I need to give to myself.
I have so much going on right now which is overwhelming me to the point where I can start to feel that dorment panic. I have hard descisions I have to make. I have conflicts to deal with and problems to solve. I certainly do not need to be bogged down by such a stupid issue.

One thought on “Anxious Belly and Sad Heart

  1. If I may offer a suggestion: Join an online support group for people in your situation. Trust me, there are TONS for people having problems with step-children and the parents of those children. You sound like you could really use some people who can relate to your situation just lending an ear. If you’re not already, of course.

    As for the Racine nastiness, I am friends with a blogger who used to syndicate her blog with a local newspaper’s website and she stopped that because she said she thought the vastness of the internet would be more compassionate than the people in her hometown. The comments were terrible and judgmental…and she wrote about tame stuff like her kids and karate! I know that when I read the news online or go to certain large websites, I avoid the comments sections like crazy because it really is quite sad how over the line people feel they can go online. People won’t stop being assholes for the sake of sparing someone else’s feelings. If they have found an outlet to be the horrible monsters they try to hide IRL, they won’t give it up.

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