Thursday August 12, 2010

Standard
 

The past week has been pretty hellish emotionally. Just one thing after another and I snapped. It was like I was being bombarded with too much all at once and I became overwhelmed. I have not left my bed yet today, so I am not even sure if it is over.

 

As I have written about recently, I had an exchange of words with some members of my husband’s family regarding their loyalty to us in what is and has been a very difficult road in regards to his ex. And that is where it started. They did not in ANY way understand where I was coming from. In a phone call to my husband it was made clear that I was being “stupid” among other things..oh, and this is a “stupid ass blog which no one even reads”. It has become clear that they do not and will not understand my position or where I was/am coming from. I have to accept that. I cannot change the way a person thinks (or doesn’t think).

 

The same day as this phone call, we came home to find a comment on the Facebook Wall of one of Charlie’s co-workers. It was posted by the ex’s brother. He said that ‘HRG who commented above is the biggest piece of shit (he) has even met and that (I) need to be committed.’ Then he added, “email me for the whole story”. Needless to say I was so furious I could barely speak. Charlie was also very angry and replied as well as posted something about him on his wall. I also went back and forth with him with a battle of words in elementary school fashion. In the end, he did apologize – adding that he realized he doesn’t really know what the truth is. Duh. REALLY?? Ya think??

 

In one of my responses to him I stated that I could tell him a whole lot of shit he and his family have NO clue about. And asked him if he really wanted me to start spilling her beans on a public forum. She then called here and through the answering machine she was swearing and screaming which echoed through the entire house loud enough for the kids to hear. By this time, the dam in my mind and heart already broke. I snapped and there was no unsnapping. She talked to my husband on the phone and continued her rant. He told her it was karma and in so many words, to fuck off. I then wrote her the following:

 

I have been there for you over and over for many years – even after everything that has happened. I have not only been more of a mother to Kenzie, but I was caretaking when YOU needed it as well. I was never jealous or mean. I only loved and cared for your daughter. And I got nothing but stabbed in the back and my life destroyed. What’s worse than the job thing is you took Kenzie away from having any relationship with me. You have said too many things to her and in front of her and now she feels she needs to hate me in order for you to love her.  Who does that to a kid?? You care about you and only you. I was fooled over and over that you were just having issues and problems stemming from your past. But now I truly think you have no soul. You do not take care of her. You only care about TODAY’S happiness. I tried to forgive and was doing fine but then shit keeps popping back up whenever you decided to freak out or a member of your ignorant family (they truly no nothing about any of this, do they?) sticks their nose in. Well, I am done being abused by you people. I was NOTHING but good to you. I could never ever treat someone that way…especially someone who really was always there for me. Every apology is followed by another shit talk, problem started or some drama…that means the apology is fake. It took me a long time to realize it.  I cannot sit by and allow myself to be treated badly even for one second longer. Its done. I will not allow myself and my husband to be lied to. Pay your bills, feed your daughter properly, act like you give a shit about her, quit dropping her off at A’s when you have the fucking day off…be a MOTHER for christ sake. Otherwise don’t you DARE criticize me…and the same goes for your insane, evil ass family (I am not incl B because so far, she has done nothing to me). I cannot be nice anymore because it has gotten me nothing but fucked.

 

And this was her response:

 

I’m not even going to read this as I know it will only ruin my day…. not to mention that your emails usually contain hurtful things and put-downs. You know it’s really difficult to try to redeem myself when people keep pushing you down??? I know you hate me and wish I were dead. Fine. Whatever. You never actually cared about me and you know it. Quit acting like a martyr and quit blaming me for your choices. You chose (actually forced) your way into both Charlie and Kenzie’s life. You so wanted to replace me as Kenzies mother. You were constantly telling me how to raise her. And when you spanked her…your choice. Which is ironic since you were the one that said you didn’t believe in spanking. You should try practicing what you preach. I guess you got your way on FB. Most of our mutual contacts are no longer friends with me. And why? So I can’t see when you are writing about me or what you are writing about? Sorry to break this to you, but I’m not as interested in your life as you are (obviously) interested in mine. The only reason you are interested is because you are waiting and looking for anything bad you can use against me. It’s sick and twisted and you are clearly bored with your life. Don’t bother responding because like most of your emails….I don’t read them. Just leave me alone. Please.

 

 

Was my note a nice one? No. I am telling you, I lost it by that point and has she been in front of me, I would probably be in jail. But she is so fucking delusional. Forced myself into their lives??? Are you kidding me??? I was dating Charlie before she became pregnant with Kenzie. They broke up very shortly before we met. When he found out and told me, I stopped seeing him. There was NO way in hell I was going to deal with that shit…can you imagine?? But he tells me all the time that had I stayed with him, he never would have married her. Hardly matters after you screw a psycho bitch without a condom. The marriage was a sham, lasted less than a year and only happened because she was pregnant (and Catholic LOL). The marriage has no bearing…the pregnancy did/does. And replace her as Kenzie’s mom?? Holy fuck balls she needs a padded cell. THEY dropped EVERYTHING in my lap from day one. Just read my blog The Day That Changed My Life. I tried over and over to get them to take her to the Dr. or to find proper daycare or to help with discipline. From word one I was the primary caregiver of this child and they MADE it happen. I had to take care of things they refused to do. One day Kenzie came home from her sitter’s and said she was spanked with a paddle. We were in disbelief and figured she was making it up. But to be safe I talked to her more about it and asked her to draw a picture of the paddle. She did without hesitation and did so with great detail for a 3 or 4 year old. I started to become concerned. I wrote Katie a long letter explaining everything and asked her to please do something about this. (Keep in mind that I write about these things safely…I have saved every email, letter, etc. I have proof of what I write on this site and I NEVER lie). She then responded back and asked if I would just deal with it. Which I did. And from that day on, she was home with me full time. I did not care for the defensive and shitty way the sitter responded to my calmly asking her about the Kenzie’s accusations. And then the sitter lied about what I said to her. I knew then she could no longer be trusted. This is merely one example of how I consistently and constantly asked for help to no avail and how everything ended up being MY responsibility. So, me wanting to replace Katie…oh good lord, NO.

 

A couple days later Kenzie was here. Everything was hunky dory – she was light hearted, feeling fine and perfectly happy. Then her mom called her back (she had called her about 10 hours before that…yea, it takes her a while to return calls, even to her own child) and Kenzie took the phone into her room and proceeded with her typical routine. Her dad went in there and found her crying on the phone to her mom. He asked why and she said she was sick. She was not sick. He got on the phone and her mom told him that she was asking to be picked up and that was why she was crying. She was told to stop this behavior and got off the phone. I asked her why she was crying for real. She said she didn’t want to get picked up in the morning because she would have to get up so early (7:30). Umm, yea. She has NEVER been concerned with anything like that before and is usually awake by that time anyway. Clearly, another lie. I told her I didn’t buy it but she kept up with it. I finally told her that she will NOT be lying in this house. That what she learns over “there” will not happen here (not the most adult response, but again…I was still in snapped mode and pissed as hell….this kid’s lying can really fuck up my life and HAS). I was NOT going to tolerate it. Then she tells me that she was sick of Cassidy and that is why she wanted to leave.

 

The fact is, at her mother’s it is party time. There are no rules, no bedtimes, no showers if she doesn’t want one, no chores, can eat all the junk food she desires – its a goddamn party all of the time. Plus, she is the only kid and does not have to share anything – including and most importantly, attention.

 

After my probation was suspended due to good behavior (mostly due to my PO and attorney knowing what a bullshit case this was) they spoke to me in the hall of the court house. They BOTH told me that I should not be alone with this child. That one accusation is all it would take for me to go to jail and have my child taken from me. Clearly, this is a huge fear of mine. And when I have this kid lying to my face like a goddamn professional poker player (yes, she learned from the best), all I see is danger.

 

I then sent this to BOTH her father and mother:

 

I genuinely think Mackenzie should be with K full time. It is clearly not in her best interest, but I don’t really care anymore. She would be happy to be with her Disneyland mom all the time, we won’t have to deal with anymore shit for a kid who doesn’t want to be here anyway and K can see what it is like to be a real parent (and see the consequences of her parenting decisions). Everything will be calmer and that is just the way I think it should be. We have run out of options quite frankly.

 

 

Here is the response from her mom:

 

That is perfectly fine with me. I can look into full custody which means Charlie will have to pay child support.

 

 

 

Which is SUCH a joke. I have been told that she starts getting super bitchy whenever it is her time to have Kenzie. She does not want to have her one hour longer than necessary. And I think it is hilarious (not in a good way) that her very first thought is that of money and not the opportunity to have her daughter with her. If I were ever in that position…I would do ANYthing I could to have my daughter with me as much as humanly possible. I just do NOT understand.

 

Anyway, Charlie said no way. It just would be very unhealthy (in every way) for Mackenzie. I do realize that, but at the time, I just saw no other answers.

 

After that email, her and I went back and forth with mean, bitchy emails. She tried to tell me that Charlie didn’t love me and just took the first chic that came along to help him raise Kenzie…that he wasn’t enough of a man or father to do it himself. She also told me stories of how Charlie’s family talks to her about me – mainly his brother, sister in law and mother. She has said that a number of times in the past as well. They deny it, well, the brother and sister in law do…his mother has not said one word to us about all of this. Although, the other day, right after I emailed her, she put “illegitimus non carborundum” on her Facebook status. This is Latin for ‘Don’t let the bastard get you down’. His sister in law then replied with a comment stating how “fitting” it was. I cannot help but think I am said bastard. Oh well. I really don’t even care anymore.

 

That night the ex called Charlie and was bitching and whining about him never ‘taking her side’ or ‘defending’ her. LMAO. Are you kidding me??

 

Last night Charlie and I went to my therapist together. It was helpful and we will go together again. This last week was really awful for me. And of course it was all during my PMDD time, which doesn’t help. But I have a feeling it would have hurt as much regardless. I contemplated suicide – tho I would never actually DO it. I would never leave my baby. I contemplated leaving or divorcing – which I do NOT want to do. I love my husband and my family. We simply need to learn how to deal with these outside disruptions. I also deactivated my Facebook. Not sure if it is forever, but for a while anyway. I do not have the proper filter and tend to type it how I see it w/o regard for consequence. I also allow what other people say on their to upset me far too much. It is just best for now. But I do miss it…I miss my friends.

 

Instead, I am spending some time switching my blog site from Live Spaces to WordPress. It is much nicer with many more features. But it is not easy to learn a whole new site after 5 years of being here. I will also place this on the top of this site…but here is the link to what will be my new site: Heather’s WordPress it is not even close to being finished…it will take quite a bit of time. Until then, I will be posting here.

 

Anyway, back to the dealio. I have a lot of mental work to do as well. I need to find a way to repair my relationship with my step daughter. I want to continue to help improve my marriage. I have to stop worrying so much about what will be than what is at this very moment. I can no longer place value on what other people think, do or say – including our own family members. If they talk shit…they talk shit. Who cares. If they like psychobitch better – I should really just feel sorry for their ignorance. And most important, I WILL learn how to let go, move on and STOP giving this woman so much power in my life. My therapist is looking into me having a form of treatment called EMDR. It is a form of biofeedback therapy and it has been proved to be very successful in PTSD patients. I had been told by an old psychiatrist that I did indeed suffer from PTSD, but I was never really sure. Now, I suppose I am. I should find out next week if I will be receiving this treatment. At this point, I am willing to try anything. EMDR is basically an alternative treatment which helps patients who have suffered traumas – helps retrain their brains to react differently. Like a solider coming back from war, she may panic at the mere sound of a car’s backfire. She may suddenly have all of the same physical reactions as she would have hearing that sound in battle. She may react in irrational ways and get stuck in a loop of which she has no control when something surfaces that brings her back to that traumatic event. This is what happens to me. When something with Charlie’s ex happens, when I feel betrayed in regards to her…I automatically and seemingly without control go directly back to all of those feelings – emotional and physical – I had when the accusation first occurred, as though no time has passed whatsoever.

 

I also sometimes feel this way when I am touched in a certain way – do to a childhood experience I do not discuss. And when the anniversary of my father’s death is approaching. There have been several traumas in my life. But none which have caused so much residual mental damage as the accusation of being a child abuser. So, I am really crossing my fingers for this new therapy.

 

Alright. I am done talking today. See ya later.

 

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About Heather Rayne

I am a mom, wife, writer, volunteer, eater of food, lover of animals and avid TV enthusiast. I am opinionated, honest, compassionate and sensitive. I can also be difficult, hard headed and emotional. I consider myself to have a great sense of humor and am very attracted to that in others. I am striving to live an authentic life. I am attempting to learn how to find happiness in the now. I always have hope to be a better person. That being said - I can be vulgar, negative and even a little bitchy at times. I say what I mean and my filter is often dysfunctional. With me, what you see is what you get. I have strong opinions and am quick to speak my mind. This can cause problems from time to time but I do not ever intend to hurt or offend anyone. With that - be warned. I do hope you enjoy my site. Thanks for visiting and have a swell day.

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